How I Lost You (20 page)

Dad left for work early and Indie and Mom were out when I got out of bed. I texted Kya over and over, left messages on her phone, her Facebook, everywhere, but got no answers. Nothing.

Levi texted. I answered without mentioning anything about what happened. I wondered if Lucas would tell him. Would Levi wonder if it were somehow my fault?

After a few hours with no response from Kya, I decided to storm her house and bang on her door. I put on shoes and stomped outside, my legs shivering in the cool wet temperature. I had my head down, deep in thought, and almost collided with James in my driveway.

“James,” I said, surprised.

“Hey. I was just coming to your house to see you. We need to talk,” he said. He held out my hoodie. “I washed it.”

His nose didn't look crooked or broken. I took the hoodie and gratefully put it on over my light T-shirt. “Thanks.”

A door slammed loudly and we both turned to see Kya on her porch. She spotted us and shook her head. “Great,” she said, and mumbled as she locked her door.

“I've been trying to get a hold of you all day,” I yelled, louder than necessary. “You didn't friggin' show up for paintball last night. And now you're ignoring my messages?” I'd never spoken to her with so much fury.

She merely walked up her own driveway clacking her heels on the cement. Her expression stayed infuriatingly neutral. I noticed her favorite skinny jeans looked almost baggy on her. Dark purple circles outlined her eyes. “Sorry. I couldn't make it last night.”

“You couldn't make it? You couldn't call me? Text? Send me a friggin' smoke signal?”

She rolled her eyes and glanced down the street. “I just got home a while ago. I had a quick shower and I'm heading out again. I haven't had time.” She chewed her thumbnail with the same expression she used on her mom.

James half laughed, half snorted at her ridiculous claim.

“I'm not your parents, Kya,” I told her.

She pulled her nail away from her mouth. “I know. They're not as nosy as you.”

“Nosy? You stood me up. You didn't even bother to tell me you weren't going to paintball. And what were you DOING last night? Where were you all night? Did you sleep at Lucas's?” I searched her face for clues that Lucas might have told her what happened to me.

She looked puzzled. “Lucas's?” She went back to her thumbnail and looked away. “No. I broke it off with him.”

I frowned. “When?”

“After the festival.” She shrugged, pretending to be fascinated by a couple of neighbor kids racing around the cul-de-sac on their bikes. “I'm kind of seeing someone new.”

James made another sound in his throat. I glared at him and then back at her. “Who?”

She developed a sudden interest in her nails and held out her hand to inspect them. “Steve.”

My body froze. I couldn't move and barely breathed as that sunk in. “Steve who?” I whispered.

“Blender.”

Then my mouth dropped open. She turned back to the kids on their bikes.

My ears pounded. “Are you kidding?” I asked. The scope of it wouldn't register. “You're not serious, right?” I almost begged.

James made another gurgling sound in his throat. Thunder rolled in the distance and I glanced up at the sky. A storm was brewing. Moving in quickly if the black clouds were any indication.

“He's not bad. I've gotten to know him better since we played on the same paintball team. He's actually generous and kind of sweet.” She held up her wrist with a brown leather bracelet wrapped around it. “He gave me this. And some paintball stuff.”

My head pounded harder. I rubbed my temples, frowning. “Are you kidding?” I shook my head, furious with her. I'd stood by her through many, many guys, but this was not the same. “You think buying stuff makes him a good guy?”

She shrugged and glanced down the street again. Thunder rumbled overhead. “Whatever. Don't inflict your standards on me right now. I'm not in the mood.”

“Steve Blender?” James repeated.

She glared at him and he shut his mouth.

“Did he tell you what he did last night?” I barely managed not to scream. My voice shook with pent-up emotion. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. Shake hard to get some sense in her.

“What'd he do?” James buried his hands in his front pockets.

I ignored him, focusing on Kya, agitated by the lack of expression in her eyes. “He did some messed-up stuff,” I said through gritted teeth, and clenched my hands into fists, remembering the smell of his breath.

“What happened?” James repeated, anger raising his voice a few octaves.

“He told me.” Kya ignored me, stood on her tiptoes, and glanced down the street.

I stared at her. That was the extent of her taking my side? The best friend who I'd stuck by over and over. And over.

Something inside me broke. The storm was tangible in the air. The temperature noticeably dropped.

“What,” I asked, my voice shaky, barely controlled, “did Steve tell you?” The hair on my arms stood up.

Kya sighed and finally had the courtesy to look at me. “He said his friends were razzing you. He feels bad. I know you're holier than thou. He said he was a bit drunk but he's sorry he teased you. You take things too seriously.”

My hands squeezed into tighter fists. “Teased me? Kya. It was worse, way worse than teasing. He scared me. It was horrible.”

She sighed. “You know what? He said you'd overreact. I hate to say it, but he doesn't like you very much.” She sounded almost bored.

“Kya. We're talking about Steve Blender,” I reminded her.

“I'm not stupid,” she said. “I know.”

“Are you sure?” I snapped.

She glared at me, narrowing her eyes into slits.

“What happened?” James interrupted with a shout. I glanced at him. His face was bright red. “What'd he do to you?”

“James.” I reached for his arm, trying to tell him to wait a minute. Even though he was clearly the better friend and actually concerned about what happened. “Not now, okay?” I said softly.

He cursed under his breath but didn't argue.

Another snarl of thunder roared from the sky, closer now. The lightning wasn't yet visible, but it was coming. The clouds looked like hail was brewing.

“Steve is a not a good guy, Kya. You don't want to mess with him.”

“You don't even know him,” she answered.

“You're taking his side?” It stung more than she knew, hearing her stick up for him. I closed my eyes to hide my hurt and breathed in deep.

James growled under his breath.

“When exactly did you break up with Lucas?” I asked. “Before you stood me up for paintball or after?” My heart ached. It actually hurt.

She shrugged, not appearing overly concerned by my anger. Or my anguish.

“Before.”

“Funny,” I said, my voice even lower. “When he was sticking up for me with Steve, Lucas didn't say anything about you breaking up with him.”

“Well. I guess he hadn't checked his messages yet,” she said, glancing down the street.

I saw a flash of lightning in the distance. I gawked at her. “You broke up with him by text?” Thunder followed, low and grumbly. “Oh. My. God. Kya. That is so not cool.”

She focused on her thumbnail. “I didn't want to hurt his feelings.”

James snorted. I gave him another look and he rolled his eyes. “She broke up with a guy by text,” he pointed out.

“You were too chicken to deal with him in person?” I said to Kya. “Or too callous?”

Her defiant and childish expression changed and her bottom lip quivered. Her eyes filled with tears. She finally looked me in the eyes and I recognized the person I knew. “Don't be mad at me. I've been so messed up since the call…” She glanced at James and stopped.

“When does Grace ever get mad at you?” James snapped.

“Shut up, James,” she said, snarling.

I narrowed my eyes at both of them. “You stood me up yesterday, ditched paintball, and now you're going out with one of the biggest jerks on this planet. After I told you he hurt me.” I paused to gain some control. “That's not acceptable, Kya. It's just not. You can't go with him.” My voice rose to a shout.

“Wow,” James said. “I guess she can get mad at you. Will wonders never cease?”

“What's wrong with you?” I snapped at him, even though it wasn't James I was mad at.

The sky cracked with thunder, as if echoing my anger.

“James is still mad at me because we slept together,” Kya said. “And now he knows he can never have you.”

The air went still.

My stomach dropped.

“What?”

I stared back and forth between Kya and James. He stared at the ground. She stared at him, smirking. I squeezed my hands shut so as not to slap the self-righteous sneer off Kya's face. That was almost incest and made me sick to my stomach. I turned to James. His ears were bright red. His face stiff.

“That's what I was going to talk to you about,” he said softly. “Finally.” He sighed. “She didn't want me to say anything.”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Kya said. “Of course you had to tell her.”

A headache attacked my temples and dizziness tilted the world on its side. I stumbled on my own feet, trying to stay on the ground as the world as I knew it changed underneath me.

My mouth opened but nothing came out. I had trouble catching my breath. “What?” I repeated, touching my throat.

“Go ahead, James, tell her what happened.” Kya crossed her arms and glared at him.

James blinked at her as if she were a ghost. “It was horrible,” he said.

Kya snorted. “Don't blame that on me. I wasn't the frickin' virgin who practically cried when it was over.”

“Kya!” I yelled truly horrified. I didn't even know this person.

James looked like he was going to cry again.

“What the hell?” I shouted at her.

A car squealing around the corner interrupted our little chitchat. It sped to the middle of the cul-de-sac, music blaring from an open window.

“Thank God,” Kya said.

The horn honked, and when I saw the driver, I recoiled.

“Hey, babe, come on,” Steve shouted out the window. For a horrible second, I thought he was talking to me. “Come on, Kya.”

One of his buddies jumped out of the passenger seat, opened the door, and got in the back. Steve laughed. “You have wet dreams about me last night, Grace?”

I flicked my middle finger in the air. I spun around to Kya. “You can't go with him.”

“Kya,” Steve shouted again. “Bring me some sugar.”

Kya turned toward the car but glanced back at me, her lips tight. “Don't tell me what to do.” She walked away. “Sorry not everyone thinks you're perfect.”

I wanted to vomit. “Kya.” I ran forward and grabbed her by her arm. “Don't go.”

She shook my hand off. My mouth dropped open.

“We have to talk about this,” I said.

“There's nothing to talk about. I'm going with Steve.”

“Kya,” I pleaded, my eyes filling with tears. “You don't know what he did. It was awful. Don't go with him. Please.”

“Awful? I wish what happened to me had happened to you. Then you'd understand awful.” She ran down the sidewalk.

I looked away as she hopped into Steve's car. He honked his horn and then squealed off before she could even put on her seatbelt. I watched, cold right down to my bones.

I reached for James and held on to his arm as she disappeared out of the cul-de-sac.

“Come on,” he said, putting his arm loosely around my shoulder. He walked over the grass, leading me to his backyard.

“She slept with you,” I repeated stupidly. “And left us for Steve.”

We walked to his old swing set and, without a word, we each took a seat. His dad had cemented it into the ground when James was a kid, and never got around to taking it out. James twirled on his swing and the chain links raveled around each other.

“Am I supposed to forgive this too?” I asked him. Thunder cracked but it was softer. I looked up for the dark clouds, but they had moved away too.

“What did Steve do to you?” James asked.

I shook my head. “Never mind. It was nothing.” I watched my feet dangling into the sand under the swing set. “What did Kya do to you?” I whispered.

“Wow,” he said. He lifted his feet from the ground, the raveled chains unwound, and he whirled in a circle. “That's the first time you've ever blamed her for something.” When he came to a stop, he bent his head, his feet dangling beside mine. He dragged his feet over the dirt.

“That's not an answer,” I told him.

He started to wind up the chains again, not looking at me. “The week after school ended. When you went camping with your family. I went to her place to watch her stupid movie.
The
Virgin
Suicides
. And that part came on when the sister has sex in the field? Kya came over and sat on my lap and…” He stopped twirling. “I don't need to go into detail. But she started and…it happened…and…” He shoved his feet to the ground, jarring himself into place. Dust flew up from under his feet. “I wish I could undo it. It was awful. She laughed at me.” He stood up not facing me and the swing swung out behind him. “I felt awful and ashamed, and she laughed and told me I could never have you now that I'd slept with her. Best friend rule.” He didn't look at me. The sky rumbled, but it sounded far off, less ferocious.

My hand went to my mouth to hold in the pain that wanted to crawl out. “But you and I are friends.” I stopped. “We're friends,” I repeated. I got off my swing.

He turned to look at me and there was pain in his eyes. “It's okay, Grace. I know you don't feel that way about me. I mean, I've always known. But you have to know what I feel.” He laughed but it was a bitter sound, like his dog's bark. “Kya's always made sure to remind me you don't feel the same.” He started walking toward the deck. A bird flew into the birdhouse by the railing.