How I Lost You (8 page)

I banged my fist against James's door while Levi held half-naked and fully passed out Kya across his arms like a little kid asleep from a long car ride.

James opened the door, smiled, and then it faded when he saw Levi holding Kya behind me.

“Seriously?” he said. “She passed out in her bikini?”

“I know. The NCPA would love this.”

“Forget your college paintball aspirations, what about my mom?” James said. “Can you put a pair of sweats and a shirt on her? I can come up with a story for her crashing here but not in her friggin' bikini.” He shook his head. “She is going to owe me for this. Huge.”

He stared at Levi as he spoke.

“Oh, sorry. James, this is Levi,” I said.

“One of the merrymakers at Kya's get-loaded fest?” James asked.

“Hardly,” Levi said.

“No,” I added. “Levi had nothing to do with it. I got a call from her when we were having coffee. Levi was at hot yoga with me. He just moved here.” I played with my hair and glanced around the front porch, avoiding James's gaze.

Levi shifted Kya in his arms. “I'd love to do the whole introduction thing, but she's kind of heavy,” he said.

“Sorry.” I stepped aside and Levi walked past, carrying her inside the house. “James? Where should we put her? Your room?” I followed behind him.

James blew out a puff of air, made a face at Kya, and flicked his hand in the air for Levi to follow him. “God, who cares about the sanctity of my bedroom? I'll have to fumigate it later. This means I get to sleep on the couch. I swear to God, if she pukes in my bed, she is cleaning it up herself.”

“Good call,” Levi said, and followed James to his room. I trailed behind them, watching as he plopped her on the bed. Kya groaned and then curled over on her side in the fetal position. Her bare butt was practically exposed and I pulled a blanket over her.

James shook his head. “You're aware that most friends don't involve you in their illegal acts. You know that, Grace, right?”

I ignored him and stood looking down at her. “Can you give me a pair of your sweats and a shirt? I'll put them on her,” I said without glancing his way.

James pulled some clothes out of his dresser and handed them to me. I looked over at Levi, who was leaning against the wall. James followed my gaze and winced. Levi had slightly wrinkled the Pokémon poster that had been on his wall for as long as I'd known him.

“I'm going to put some clothes on her,” I told them.

“Oh.” They shuffled out of the room together. She made a couple of whimpering sounds but stayed heavy and limp. I managed to pull pants on her and got a shirt over her head and arms, then tucked her back under the blankets and checked her breathing, wrinkling my nose at the odors coming off her.

I said a silent and quick prayer to God for her in my head. I'm not overly religious. My family goes to church for weddings and funerals, sometimes on Easter or Christmas, depending on the year, but I still had silent conversations with God sometimes. And I figured Kya could use some extra help.

When I walked out to the living room, Levi and James were sitting across from each other on the couches looking uncomfortable. They looked almost little on the oversized leather couch James's dad loved so much. The whole room had sort of a country-western video feel to it. Very much his dad, very little James. In the corner of the room, a dog bed overflowed with colorful flannel blankets.

“Where's Brian?” I asked. Brian was a cute little mutt James adopted in ninth grade, and the love of his life.

“He's in bed with my mom. If she's in bed, he doesn't move from it.”

Levi stood when I walked into the room. “I should get going. Among other things, I have a cousin to go home and torture,” he said.

“Please do,” I told him. James looked back and forth at us.

“Levi lives with his cousin, Lucas,” I explained. “The guy Kya was out with.”

“You were in the new paintball league yesterday, weren't you?” James said, still sitting rigidly on the couch.

Levi nodded.

“You got your ass kicked,” James commented dryly.

Levi nodded again.

“I approve,” James said.

Levi glanced down at the dark hardwood under his feet but I detected a smile.

“Levi is a good guy, James. He can't help who he's related to. He helped me find her and get her out of there. She was at Steve Blender's. A mess.”

“Kya is becoming very adept at messy.”

I gave him a dirty look and turned to Levi. “Come on. I'll walk you out.”

“See ya around,” he said. James nodded but didn't look up or get up from the couch.

Levi followed me to the hallway. I glanced back toward the living room but couldn't see James from where I was standing. Levi moved around me and opened the front door.

“I'll walk you to your car,” I said as he headed outside. I followed, wrapping my arms around myself, shivering. The night air had dipped in temperature as it always did.

“Your friend doesn't like me,” Levi said when we reached his car.

“He's pissed at Kya. Not you.”

Levi shrugged and reached in his pocket for his keys.

“Anyhow, thanks,” I told him. “For helping me get her out of there.” I hugged myself tighter. “Try not to judge her too harshly, okay? She had a shitty day.”

He reached for the car door and opened it, keeping his piercing gaze on me.

“Please don't say anything,” I added quietly. “About what I told you.”

“I won't, Grace. I said you can trust me.” He leaned on the door and smiled at me.

God. I had to. Trust him.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Fine.”

His key chain tinkled in the quiet, cool night air. So tranquil. Innocent darkness that almost softened the harsh realities of what had happened earlier in the night.

“So I programmed my number into your cell phone. I hope you don't mind.”

“When did you do that?”

“In the car. I am stealth. Like a ninja.”

In spite of everything, I laughed.

“You want me to come by and get you tomorrow, to pick up your car from the yoga place?”

“No, that's okay. My brother can drive me. He owes me for some late-night pick-ups when he had too much to drink.”

He smiled, his bright white teeth sparkled, and my heart pitter-pattered. I dropped my glance to my feet.

“Well, let me know next time you go to hot yoga.”

I glanced up then and nodded, biting my lip to keep an overeager smile from taking over my face.

“Okay,” he said as he slid his long legs inside the car. “I should go.” He started up the ignition.

“Thanks again,” I said, stepping back and giving him room to drive away. “For helping with Kya.”

“You're welcome, Grace,” he said softly. He smiled again and then shut the door. I liked the way my name sounded from his mouth. He didn't emphasize the G like most people, but lingered and gave the S sound a long, soft finish. He said it like it was important and rounded out the vowel.

I watched as he drove away, and then, with a sigh, turned and went back into James's house. He was still in the living room plunked down on the couch. It almost appeared to be eating his body. He stared at me when I walked in. “You love him, don't you?”

I frowned, narrowed my eyes, and sat on the opposite couch. There was still a slight warm spot from where Levi had been sitting. “No. I don't love him. I barely know him.” I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled my legs up to my chest.

“Well, you have that look. Kya's look. I've never seen you with it. On you, it's a little scarier.” He stood. “You want something? A soda?”

I shook my head, waiting while he stormed out of the living room to the kitchen, but since the entire bottom level of his house was open, I watched him as he went to the fridge. He opened the door and stood in front of it, staring for a moment, and then reached in, taking out a can.

“He probably has a really inferior IQ. With muscles like that,” he said when he came back in the living room, popping the lid with the pssst sound.

“You mean Levi? You were checking out his muscles?” I joked.

“No. But he did carry Kya all the way upstairs without even getting out of breath.” He walked over and sat beside me. He took a sip from his Mountain Dew. Our favorite.

“And what self-respecting male does hot yoga?” James asked and held up the can to offer me a sip. I took one and handed his drink back. He leaned against the sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table.

“Lots, James. I always invite you to come. And you always say no.” I swatted at his legs on his mom's behalf and he dropped both feet to the ground with a loud thump.

“I guess I'm not into public humiliation for my non-flexibility or my physical shortcomings.” He brought the soda can to his lips and tilted back his head.

“You're perfect the way you are,” I said softly and stood. “I should go home. Be nice to Kya in the morning, okay, James?”

He noisily slurped at his drink. “What if that thought makes me feel queasy?”

“Suck it up, James.” I turned back to stare down at him, trying to drill some sense of obligation into him with my eyeballs.

“Why do you always do that?” he asked softly. “Stick up for her? Even when she makes a complete mess of things. Which she is showing exceptional talent for more and more lately.”

“She's our friend,” I said, hoping he'd take that simple concept and think it over. “Friends are there for each other,” I continued, in case he didn't. “Even when they screw up.”

“Yeah? I don't know, Grace. I don't know if she even is my friend anymore.” He leaned forward and took a coaster from a square stack on the coffee table, placed it down, and put his drink on top. “We don't even talk. The only thing we have in common lately is you.”

“You have history. Tell her what you told me. Best friends can call each other on crap, so if she's giving you attitude, tell her. She looks up to you.” I smiled but he didn't smile back, so I put my hands on my hips and tapped my toe for effect.

“The only reason she looks up to me is because I am vertically superior.”

I took a few steps over to punch him on the arm. Hard. “James. You aren't going to lose her friendship, no matter how hard you try. I won't let you.”

“Ow.” He rubbed at his arm and made a face at me. “For a little person, you have a big punch.”

I made my hand into a fist and held it up. “Don't make me do it again.”

“You know what? If you hadn't moved here, I don't know if we would have stayed friends. She'd probably have gotten bored. When we were little, she hung out with me because it made her feel important. You know? She'd fight anyone who said anything. But you came along and kind of insisted we all stay friends.” He glanced up at me with a sad half smile on his lips.

“You and Kya would totally still be friends,” I said.

He reached for his soda again, avoiding my eyes, and took a long sip.

“It's been the three of us for so long,” I said.

“Yeah?” he said with a wry smile at his can of Mountain Dew. “What about buds before studs?”

“But you're not a stud, James,” I teased. “So that's okay.”

He looked up then with a flash of anger in his eyes. He blinked and it was gone. “Thanks a lot.”

I shifted my stance and adjusted my purse. “You know what I mean. You're our guy. ”

He rolled his eyes.

I forced out a giggle. “Come on. You want to be a stud? How about we fix you up with Angie Harrison? She's been in love with you since seventh grade.”

“Angie Harrison smells like cat litter.”

I giggled for real. “Well. They do have a lot of cats at their house.”

“Four,” he said. “Her little brother told me. And one of the cats is pregnant.”

“Hmm. That does seem a little excessive. And kind of sad that a cat is getting more action than we are. Okay. What about Denise Puzey?”

He made a face and we joked around for a minute about possible dates for James. He didn't tease me about anyone I might date.

“I should go,” I finally told him. “You'll be okay with Kya?”

“She can stay in the bedroom. I'm not going anywhere near her.” He stared down at the floor.

“You want me to walk you home?” he asked.

I smiled. “James. It's like fifty feet away.”

“Give or take. Never mind. It's dark out, thought I'd ask.” He searched the can of Mountain Dew again as if it held answers to mysterious questions.

“I think I can handle it, but thanks. Dark doesn't scare me. That's Kya's phobia, not mine.”

“Wish she was afraid of more useful things. Like alcoholic beverages.”

He glanced up then and we smiled at each other, understanding each other without words. I lifted my hand and walked toward the front door. He stood up from his chair and followed me. “Until next time, Grace,” he said softly.

I wished again that he understood Kya. It would make life easier for all of us. Fresh guilt hit me about telling Levi. I wanted to tell James, but Kya would sense it on us like a drug dog sniffing out some weed. James wasn't known for his poker face. Me either, for that matter.

The door clicked as he locked it behind me.

 

Something pressed on my feet. I opened my eyes to see Kya at the end of my bed, sitting on my toes. Her eyes were wide but dull, as if someone sucked out the sparkly part of her soul. The hair sticking out in every direction highlighted the abnormal paleness of her face. Purple shadows puffed her eyes into slits. Not even Kya could pull off that look. I glanced at my clock on the dresser. Crap. I was supposed to be at Lola's paintball place in forty-five minutes. I'd overslept by almost an hour, probably because I'd tossed and turned most of the night worrying about Kya and distracted by thoughts of Levi. I never usually needed an alarm clock to get up, so I hadn't bothered to set one.

“I woke up at James's,” she said, dipping her head and picking at my comforter.

“I know.” I pulled my feet out from under her and sat up slowly. “His mom was out. I would have brought you here, but his place seemed smarter. Less trouble for you.”

“So it was you who took me there?” she asked in a hoarse and throaty voice. “I wasn't sure. I don't remember any of it.” She coughed and it came out like a sob. “Grace, I'm scared.”

“Oh, Kya.” I leaned forward, trying to hug her, but she turned so I ended up patting her shoulder instead.

“I keep screwing up,” Kya was saying. “I don't mean to, Grace. I don't want to. But I keep doing it. I screw up everything.”

“You don't,” I told her. “You were upset. You drank too much. You'll get past this.”

She kept her head down and chewed her bottom lip. “Sometimes I want to feel better, you know. Forget everything.” She sighed heavily and dragged her hand over her hair. “I'm so messed up.”

I reached for her hand, squeezed it, and glanced at the pictures on my dresser. Framed photos of James and Kya and me. My favorite was a recent snap of Kya and me in our paintball gear, our faces shiny with sweat. She was holding my arm up in victory. We'd won a tournament together.

I put my hand under her chin. “You're going to be fine. I get it, but seriously, from now on, less drinking and more yoga or something, okay?” I smiled and she attempted a smile back, but her lip shook. She gave up, moved her head away from me, and stuck her nail back in her mouth.

I swung my feet over the side of the bed. “Did you talk to James before you left?” I asked. I stood and walked over to my dresser and peered into the mirror above it. I hadn't taken off my makeup, and it smeared underneath my eyes.

“No. He was still asleep on the couch. It was completely silent, nothing from his dog even. His mom must have been in her room. I snuck out and came here. I figured you'd know what happened.”

I grabbed a Kleenex, dabbed some lotion on it, and wiped away old makeup. “You could have asked James.” I slid an elastic off my wrist and pulled up my hair, wrapping the elastic around it and securing it on top of my head.

She stood up and walked over beside me, glancing in the mirror and sticking out her tongue. “I didn't want to wake him.” She went back to the bed and sat on the edge facing me. “James hates me. I don't blame him.”

“He doesn't hate you.” We both paused as a thump of footsteps walked up the stairs. Kya glanced at my reflection in the mirror and I held my finger to my lips. Since it was Sunday, Mom was probably out running with her training partners, and no way Indie was even close to a conscious state yet. The footsteps walked to the outside of my closed bedroom door and stopped.

“Did my dad answer the door?” I whispered to her.

She nodded.

“What'd you tell him?” I whispered.

She shook her head. “Nothing. I asked if I could go up and see you,” she whispered back.

“You girls okay in there?” Dad called from the other side of the door.

Kya and I stared at each other. I heard the other things he wasn't saying. Why had Kya shown up at our door this morning looking like hell? What was going on? Did we need him to help?

“We're fine, Dad,” I called.

“I'm okay, Mr. B,” Kya called out, and the forced bravado and fight for normalcy in her voice broke my heart a little.

“You're sure?”

“Kya had a fight with her dad,” I called to my dad, blatantly lying. “She's all right.”

I could almost hear his brain working on the other side of the door. No way had he missed that Kya reeked of old booze. He didn't move away. “Can I do something to help?”

“We're fine, Dad.” I knew he didn't believe me. He may have retired from the police force, but he still had his instincts. He usually knew when I was lying. It used to be always, but as I got older, I was better at it. It wasn't something that made me particularly proud.

He cleared his throat. “Aren't you supposed to play with Lola at the Outdoor Palace today?” he asked. He was right, but if I didn't leave in the next few minutes, I'd miss the practice. What I wanted and what Kya needed tore at me.

I paused, avoiding Kya's gaze. “It's okay, Dad. They've got enough players for two teams. And it's a practice, not a game.”

He was silent for a moment and his self-restraint drifted under the door. “You're not messing things up for them?” he finally asked.

“No, Lola's running drills today. She can play if she has to,” I called.

“She'll be pissed off,” he muttered.

Kya and I stared at each other until his footsteps walked away from my door.

“Shoot,” I said. “She is going to be pissed.”

Kya's eyes filled with tears. “I'm sorry, I'll go.”

“No, no, it's okay.” I said, reaching to hug her. Kya needed me more.

She wiped under her eyes. “My mouth tastes like I've been licking clay, and my head pounds worse than Indie on his old drum set.” Fortunately for all of us, Indie's rock-and-roll wannabe stage had ended a few years ago.

“More reasons not to drink.”

The remorse in her eyes made me feel like I was flaunting my moral standards at her, which would be okay except she was in kind of a vulnerable state. In my heart, I'd already forgiven her for messing up, but I sighed. I'd definitely be missing Lola's practice today.

I went to grab my purse from the wicker chair in the corner and pulled out my phone. “I'm going to text Lola and let her know we're not going to make it.”

She blinked and concentrated on nail chomping. “You sure? You could go. Your dad's right. Lola will be pissed. I don't care, but I know you do.”

“It's okay.” I turned the phone on, staring at the screen saver, a picture of Kya, James, and me, our heads mushed together, goofy wide grins on our faces, our arms wrapped around each other.

I hesitated. Lola would be pissed at me for jamming last minute. She'd wanted to coach me on my snake-side crawls today. She had plans to round me out so I could play the whole paintball field. At one time, Lola had focused more on Kya, but she'd switched more to me.

I was an honest player, like Lola. We wouldn't slide or dive to wipe off a paintball hit if we could get away with it. Kya would, given the opportunity. Lola and I both played to win, and we played tough, but we played clean.

“I can tell by your face you want to go. It's okay. I'm fine,” Kya stood up but her voice was low, her eyes on the floor.

“Sit down. You're not fine.” I punched out a quick text to Lola and then put my phone away. I walked over and sat on the bed beside Kya.

“What happened?” I asked softly.

She didn't say anything for a minute.

“It's okay,” I whispered. “It's me.”

“He did it again.” Her voice was robotic.

“What do you mean?” I asked slowly.

She sniffled. “Another girl. Someone else. A girl called my house,” she said in an exaggerated whisper. “He goes to the same church as her. Mr. Born Again. But he raped her. Her lawyer dug up my name. He wasn't supposed to do that, Gracie. But he did. People do bad shit all the time, but lawyers? The girl tracked down my number.” Her voice was slow.

“Oh, sweetie,” I said. “I'm sorry.”

Sorry that the girl called. Sorry he did it again. Sorry he existed.

I remembered his face clearly. The way his voice squeaked at the end of his sentences when he was in the witness stand. His phoniness when he praised God. As if that would change what he did to my best friend.

Kya sighed and wiped under her eyes, sniffling and trying to get herself under control. She shook her head back and forth. “God.” She dipped her chin to her chest. “What did I do, Skanklet? Last night? How did I end up at James's?”

She closed her eyes and rolled her neck to one side. And then to the other. I waited. She seemed to be talking to herself. Not me.

“I remember calling you from Lucas's,” she continued. “Then the last thing I remember is leaving with him and his friends.” She made a face. And then nothing. “Ugh. Steve Blender was there. And I was being nice to him.”

I nodded. “I know. We came and picked you up. You were at Steve's house.”

She coughed. “I was at Steve's? I don't remember. I don't even remember you picking me up.”

“Not surprising. You were out of it. You passed out on the way home.”

She groaned and covered her face with her hands.

“In your bikini,” I added.

She groaned again. “James must be so pissed at me.”

I stood up again, went to my dresser, pulled open a drawer, and perused my sock choices for the day. “He's okay. I mean, he wasn't happy, but I called him at home and his mom was on her meds and out, so he said it was okay.” I pulled out a pair of pink Angry Bunny socks, a gift from James.

Every year at Christmas, my family and I tried to outdo each other with outrageous socks. Another weird Black family tradition. James joined in the year after I bought him skeleton bone socks. Kya had rolled her eyes and stayed out of it.

“I didn't want to bring you here.” I glanced toward my door. “You were out of it. Would have caused problems for both of us. Anyhow.” I sat down beside her again and pulled my socks all the way up to my knees. “James was totally there for you.” I punched her gently on the arm and she flinched. “Even though you were a sloppy mess.”

She closed her eyes, breathed heavily, and then opened them.

“So you and James picked me up? How'd you find me?”

“Uh.” I swallowed and pretended to be interested in the stubby length of my nails. “James didn't pick you up. I was with Levi.”

“Lucas's cousin, Levi?” She nibbled her thumbnail and tilted her head, thinking it over. She squinted at me. “I remember seeing him at Lucas's house. He lives there, right?”

“Yeah. He's staying while his parents are in China.”

“That's the we who picked me up?”

I nodded.

She pulled her thumb from her mouth. “Explain.”

“He was at hot yoga at the same time as me.” I didn't mention that he'd planned it. “We had coffee after and I was with him when you called. He told me he saw you, so we went to find you, but you weren't there. He guessed you were at Steve's and we drove over and found you.” I glared at her. “A drunken mess.”

She shook her head. “You were having coffee with Levi?”

“That is hardly the point. How on earth did you end up at Lucas's house in the first place?”

“I gave him my number yesterday. When you and James were stuffing yourself with Nerds. He invited me over. Bad timing.” She paused. I thumped my foot against hers. “I mean, because I went over right after the call from that girl. I mean, it wasn't his fault that I got so wasted. After she called, I wanted to forget everything.” She sighed. “I guess I succeeded.” She lifted her thumb back to her mouth and pretended to study the posters on my wall, even though she'd been in my room a million times and had given me half of them for birthday or Christmas presents. The Fat Lady Charms, the Femmes Fatales.

“You think?” I mumbled. “I covered for you with your parents by the way. Texted your mom with your phone, said I was you and that you were staying overnight at Lola's place.”

She nodded and glanced at me with a tiny smile of thanks.

“You always do things big, you know that, right? Do me a favor and don't get that loaded again. Okay? You had me so worried.” I stood up then and walked back to my dresser, pretending to look for something on top of it.

She laughed, but it morphed into an odd sound, closer to a sob. “I'm scared, Grace. I don't even remember leaving or anything.”

I didn't tell her it was probably just as well. I wasn't going to overload her with images of what she'd been doing when I found her. Not right now anyhow. It could wait.

“One of those assholes gave you pills,” I told her. I reached for my hairbrush and pulled it through my hair, watching her in the mirror.

“Really?” She scrunched up her nose. “What was it?”

“I have no idea. You're lucky you didn't end up in the hospital or something. Dead. And you know how much I hate wearing black.” I plunked down the brush and spun around.

“Okay, Mom.”

“I'm serious.” I narrowed my eyes. “It washes me out.”

She flopped down on her back, her arms out as if she were making an angel impression on my bed.

I walked over and stood looking down at her. “Steve has a huge freaking house with a pool. That's where we found you.”

“Steve has a pool?” She sat up and held out her arms for a hug. I sat down and she collapsed against me, covering her face.

“That's not even close to the point.” I tried not to inhale too deeply. She really was rank.

“I know. But it makes me hate him even more. Who has a pool in Tadita?”

“Still not the point. Don't go near there again, okay? He's a total pig. I plan on giving him a good hose-down next time we play paintball.”

“I'll help.”