How I Lost You (12 page)

“What's with the noise?” I called.

She giggled. “I tripped over the treadmill Dad bought Mom for her birthday. It's collecting dust and cobwebs in the garage.” She threw out both her arms and spun in a circle, laughing. “Remember? It caused a huge fight because she thought he was hinting for her to lose weight.” She chuckled, and even though her parents weren't currently on the top of my favorites list, I winced, knowing how self-conscious her mom was about her weight. Lucas laughed and threw an arm around Kya's neck and pulled her close, and they walked toward us.

“Dude,” Lucas called to Levi, “look at you. All dressed up.” He grinned. “I'll give you a soft six, my friend. Seven if you undo one more button on your shirt.”

“It's a T-shirt, asshole,” mumbled Levi under his breath.

I seconded his sentiments. They reached us and we were parallel on our driveways, only a strip of yellowing grass separating us.

“What's up?” Levi asked and I could already tell by his voice that he was trying to be polite. He nodded at Kya.

Kya said, “Thanks for looking out for me. I was totally out of it last night.”

“Yeah,” Levi said. “I got that.”

Kya pointed at the two of us. “You're adorable,” she giggled. “You two are adorable. All dressed up and going out on a date.” She shook a finger at Levi. “You take care of my Skanklet or you answer to me.”

“Kya.” I sent her a loaded look but the glaze of her eyes suggested neither she nor Lucas were going to notice subtle messages.

Lucas laughed and pulled her tighter to him and they both almost tripped. “You think they're adorable? Then we're hot.” He leaned down and kissed Kya deep on the lips, as if they were a couple who'd been together for months. I didn't have to use my imagination to guess what had gone on in Kya's house earlier. Another one of Kya's relationships on speed drive. Premature consummation.

Their lip-lock went on a little too long, and Levi cleared his throat. “Okay. Well. We're heading out to a movie,” he said and put his hand on my back.

We walked to his car and he opened the passenger door for me. Kya and Lucas managed to untangle themselves as I lowered myself inside the car. Levi held the door open.

“You're not driving, are you, Lucas?” Levi called to his cousin.

Lucas pulled Kya close, wrapping his arm around her neck. It looked uncomfortable. I was surprised she didn't shove him away.

“Nope.” Lucas laughed. “Kya and I are walking to a party a couple blocks away. You two should ditch the lame movie idea and come with us.”

“Yeah,” Kya shouted a little too loudly. I glanced at the front door, waiting for my parents to stick their heads out to see what the noise was about. “Come on, Gracie, it'll be fun.”

“No thanks,” Levi said and closed my door.

The window was down though and I shouted out to her. “Don't forget we have paintball tomorrow. Be careful, Kya.”

Levi walked around the car and opened his door.

“You too.” Kya opened her mouth. “And don't piss that guy off. Lucas said he got in trouble with the police. That he has a temper.” Lucas put his hand over her mouth and she laughed and wiggled to get away from him but he pulled her in tighter.

I glanced at Levi as he climbed in the driver's seat, but he appeared not to have heard. He smiled and started up the car.

“Grace!” Kya called. I looked over. She held her hand up in the air with her fingers entwined. “Don't forget.”

I lifted my fingers and held them out the window, saluting her.

“What was that?” Levi asked as he backed out of the driveway. I brought my hand back inside and placed it on my lap.

“Nothing.” I sighed, watching Lucas and Kya walk arm in arm down the street, leaning against each other for support.

“A secret handshake?” he teased.

I shrugged, bothered by the glassy look in Kya's eyes and her obvious intimacy with Lucas. Already. I glanced sideways. “Best friends.”

“Sorry.” He smiled. “I didn't mean to sound judgmental. You two seem so…different.”

I laughed, but it was unnatural and strained, and sounded off even in my ears. “You mean because she's so beautiful and so…Kya…and I'm her boring tagalong?”

“Whoa.” He reached over and tapped my knee with his hand. “Not even close. I don't think you're boring. Not even a little. Getting wasted and, well, whatever she and Lucas are up to. That's not how I see you.”

His hand lingered on my knee. I loved it there. I glanced out the window. The breeze blew my hair around. I spotted two little girls on the sidewalk. They were about ten, wore flowing summer dresses, and skipped down the sidewalk hand in hand. Based on their blissful expressions, they were best friends in the whole world. I smiled, wishing I'd known Kya when we were that age. Before boys mattered. Boys other than James. Before that horrible man changed her forever.

“I think there's a lot more to you than you let on,” Levi said. “And that's not an insult. I think you're strong and very interesting. No offense to Kya,” he added quickly.

He pulled his hand from my knee and I had an urge to grab it and put it back. His words tickled my insides. I felt like it was the first time a boy really looked at me. The real me.

“Kya is strong too,” I said. “She's had to grow up fast, deal with stuff. And yeah, she messes up sometimes but she's only trying to deal. You know? Deep down, she's a really good person.”

“Well, so are you. Deep down. And on the surface too. Give yourself some credit.” He turned on the radio and then adjusted the volume to low. “It kind of seems like you've made it your job to protect her. I hope she knows how lucky she is.”

I dropped my eyes to my lap. In some ways, it was as if he'd seen me naked. Somehow, I'd told him more than I intended. Or he really did pay attention.

“Also. Just so you know, you're beautiful too.”

I made a face. “I look like Anne of Green Gables. My skin's so white it glows in the dark.”

He laughed. “To me, you look like a young Nicole Kidman. And your skin is perfect.”

Tingles exploded my entire body, making me feel awkward and tongue-tied. My cheeks warmed. He made me feel mushy and in need of a cold shower. Stat.

“The fact that you don't even realize it.” He shook his head and bit his bottom lip. “I'm amazed you haven't been scooped up already.”

“Kya's the one everyone's interested in,” I managed, my voice husky and unfamiliar to my ears. I glanced at him; his cheeks were blotchy too, and my heart thudded harder. He was embarrassed, putting himself out there. And I admired him even more.

“'Fraid not,” he said. “Maybe guys are afraid of you. You give ‘stay away' vibes, but trust me, I think you're worth extra effort. And I'm okay with other guys being scared off.” He grinned and it was so cute I wanted to lean over and kiss him. Except he was driving. And that might kill both of us. And I'd never initiated anything with a boy in my life.

“No offense to Kya but she's more like an appetizer. You're a full-course meal.”

“Wow,” I said. “I don't know whether to thank you or be insulted that you compared me and my best friend to food.” I dropped my gaze to my hands wringing around in my lap, my cheeks full-fledged forest-fire strength.

He laughed as we stopped at a red light. “You make me nervous. I didn't mean to compare you to food. I know she's been through a lot. But I want you to know, you're more than a sidekick. Way more.”

I held my breath, terrified and thrilled. No one else had ever said that. Saw me that way.

“Okay.” He glanced over and grinned. “My dad told me that the best way to get a foot out of my mouth is to bite down and shut up.” He rubbed the back of his neck. I smiled at him, he breathed out, and the tension in the air shifted. Suddenly I could breathe properly too.

The light turned green and he drove off and we were quiet, but it was a comfortable quiet. He turned right, pulled into the theatre parking lot, and found an open parking spot right away. When he pulled the keys from the ignition, he turned to look at me. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for asking.”

We were both grinning like idiots as we climbed out of the car.

“So, Kya seems to like your cousin. What's he like?” I asked as we walked across the lot.

“You mean is he a nice guy?” he asked.

I nodded.

“He's okay. I mean, maybe not the sharpest shooter on the paintball team. But he's harmless.” He smiled down and held out his hand. “Do you mind?”

I giggled like a moron but shook my head. He took my hand in his and rubbed his thumb over mine. The sensation ran from my finger to the bottom of my stomach. I ducked my head down and smiled. An image of Kya's sad face flickered, but I couldn't ignore the immediate pleasure of the boy touching me.

“I think he likes her. I mean, after you told me what happened, I told him not to mess her around. I didn't say why or anything, but told him if he messed her up that I'd punch his lights out. And he assured me he wasn't screwing her around.”

I nodded, not yet capable of speech. All I could think about was his hand and mine. The touching.

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

“I gave him shit for letting his friend give her pills. He said he didn't realize it until after.”

“Good.” I thought about Kya's breakdown and then her giddy happiness with Lucas not so long ago. She was on an emotional roller coaster. Up down. Up down.

We reached the theatre and he held the door for me. “Hey, no offense, but I don't want to talk about your best friend anymore,” he said and silently I agreed. “Shall we?”

We walked into the theatre, me floating across the air, believing every girl had to be staring at our hands, jealous of my incredible luck. I glanced around, hoping to see people from school, but of course, nobody was around when I was attached to this amazing new boy.

Levi insisted on paying for my ticket and then reclaimed my hand as we went to the concession line. I offered to pay for the snacks but he insisted.

I didn't argue and waited in line with him, disappointed when he had to let my hand go to grab the large popcorn and supersized drinks. He grinned and handed me a huge box of Nerds.

“How'd you know?” I gushed as he handed the Nerds to me and my grin expanded even wider.

“I pay attention,” he said as we walked into the theatre.

We sat close to the front.

“So you and Kya have paintball tomorrow?”

I nodded. “A tourney. At the Outdoor Palace.”

The lights dimmed and coming attractions appeared on the screen. When the movie was on, I managed to laugh when I was supposed to. I ate my Nerds and popcorn but my entire focus was on the friction in the air between our knees. My body tingled with awareness with Levi sitting so close to me. Our arms touched on the armrest and I missed the gist of the movie. When the credits rolled, I had little idea what it had even been about.

“Did you like it?” Levi asked as we stood.

I nodded and it wasn't a lie.

“Me too.” He placed his hand on my back. I wanted to take his hand but was too shy to make the move.

We walked out of the theatre into dark but warm night air. He held the car door for me when we reached it.

“I want to get to know you better,” he said as I crawled back inside his car. It both thrilled and terrified me. In a weird way, it almost made me feel like I was cheating on Kya. It was a completely different dynamic. He was a boy and she was my best friend, but I frowned. She needed me. I didn't want that to end. Maybe, I realized, just maybe, I liked having her need me.

I wasn't ready to give that up for anyone. Even a boy like Levi.

 

“So how far did he try to go?” Kya wiped crumbs off her mouth. She'd filled her belly with my mom's cookies and then came up to knock on my door so I could chauffeur her to the paintball tourney. She picked up a tube of lipstick from my dresser and rubbed the reddish-orange color over her lips, and then sat on my bed and pursed them up and made kissy noises. “Or should I ask how far you
let
him go?”

I reached over and grabbed the lipstick from her hand. “This is my mine.” Sharing hygienic products with Kya was not at the top of my favorites list. “And you don't need to get all made up for paintball.”

“Whatever.” She went back to the mirror, picked up my brush, and pulled it through her hair. “I want to look good when I mow down the other teams today.” She turned to me, her eyebrows high up on her forehead. “Well?”

“Well what?” I tugged my hair into a ponytail and avoided looking at her. I tried not to focus on the lump forming in my stomach and bent down to my gear bag, shifting through to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything.

“Are you saying he didn't try anything?” Kya sounded surprised.

The lump traveled up to my throat as I groped through my gear bag.

“Not even a kiss?”

“Kya.” I'd lain in my bed last night wondering the same thing. Why he hadn't kissed me good night when he'd dropped me off. I'd thought about it all the way home, expecting it, and anticipating it, worrying about it. Then when he dropped me off…nothing.

A tremor shook my hand. Did I have the total wrong idea about Levi?

I grabbed a thin Lululemon headband from my bag and wrapped it over my hair. I glanced at Kya's reflection as she studied me in the mirror.

She squished up her nose. “Well, maybe he's looking for someone to hang out with? Like as friends? Or, hey, maybe he's gay?”

I stood up and my expression must have given me away.

“I mean no, he's probably the type of guy who takes things slow. It's fine. Don't worry.”

“You think so?” I fought to keep my voice level, to keep the desperation out of it. “I mean, there were signs it was more than friendly. He held my hand.”

“He held your hand?” She came over and sat on the bed, pulling me down beside her, the brush still in her other hand. She elbowed me in the side. “Oh my God. You really like him, don't you?”

I grunted and stood up from the bed, thinking about the things he'd said to me. Our emotional connection. The feel of my hand in his warm bigger hand. So why no kiss?

“He's a nice guy,” I said softly, and opened a drawer to grab some more headbands to toss in my bag in case I got some headshots. I hated when my headbands got covered in paint, and I liked to have fresh ones on hand. I tucked them into a side pocket on my gear bag.

More
than
nice. He's amazing. The first guy who really saw me. Not you. The first guy to make me feel special.

“Nice?” She jumped up, reaching for my side, and then tickled me, watching me in the mirror, but I wiggled away from her without cracking a smile.

She grabbed my arm. “Lucas said you should be careful. That he was in trouble with the cops. For beating a kid or something. For no reason.”

I frowned. It didn't really sound like the person I knew.

“Did he say anything to you?” she asked.

I shrugged.

“Well. Just be careful.” She let go of me and brushed her hair again, slowly. “Remember. Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.” She smiled. We'd both worn David & Goliath T-shirts with that saying all through eighth grade. She stopped wearing hers first.

I plopped down on my bed, watching her. What else did she know about Levi? “Did Lucas say anything more about him?”

“Only that he has warts on his feet. And he picks his nose in the car.”

I smacked her. She laughed out loud.

“You always know what boys want,” I said, and sighed.

She put the hairbrush down on my bed and patted my leg. “Well, from me they only want one thing, Skanklet.”

She jumped up. I thought about her and Lucas. How they'd been all over each other and kind of rumpled up. I knew I should ask what happened but didn't have the energy to make this all about her. Not yet.

“Do you think he likes me?” I asked, hating how it made me sound. Weak and vulnerable.

She lifted a finger. “He asked you out?”

I nodded.

She lifted another finger. “You're hotter than the temperature of my feet after a few rounds of paintball.”

I rolled my eyes.

“What? They get hot in those boots.” She lifted a third finger. “You are the nicest person in the entire world. How could he not like you?”

I groaned. “But—”

She turned and shook her tush at me. “Own it, Skanklet, own it.”

I wished I knew how.

She turned back with a smile. “All right then. If you want to know for sure, next time you go out with him, wear the padded bra. I noticed you did not have it on last night.”

“I'm surprised you noticed anything.”

She folded her arms across her much more abundant chest. “I'm only trying to help.”

“This isn't about the size of my boobs.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course not. You would have a much deeper connection.”

I frowned. I didn't want to think that he thought of me as a series of body parts. I wanted it to be more.

“What about you and Lucas?” I asked to take my attention off that train of thought. “What's up with you two?”

I wanted to know what they talked about. If he seemed to see inside her, to things that she didn't show the outside world.

She grinned. “Let's say that we got to know each other really well.” Then she giggled. “Lucas and I did it. In my parents' bed.”

“Oh my God, Kya. Why would you do that?” This conversation was not going the way I wanted. At all.

Her smile disappeared and she stared at me for a long moment, a sour expression on her face. “Why not? I like him. He makes me feel good.”

“But your parent's bedroom?” I tried not to gag. “And you haven't been going out very long.”

“So? You're judging me too?”

I bit my lip. “No. But I do want you to…you know…look after yourself.”

“I used a condom if that's what you mean.”

I shifted uncomfortably on both feet. “No,” I said quietly. “It's not.”

I was bursting with the desire to go over every detail of my night. Analyze everything Levi had done and said. I wanted to know what she thought. Did he like me? Was he going slowly because he wanted to get to know me? Did he want to be my best bud? What could I do to find out the answer to these questions and more? What could I do to make him like me more? As a girl.

But it would sound petty and childish compared to what Kya had to deal with. So I swallowed all the things I wanted to ask. She studied her nails and we were both quiet for a moment, an uncomfortable silence hanging between us like a dark cloud. Then she looked up. “Maybe Levi has a girlfriend back home?”

Her comment dug right into my bones. What about the handholding? He wouldn't ask me out and pay for everything if he already had a girlfriend, would he? Was this merely a friend thing that I wanted to make into more?

I opened my mouth to ask, but she'd scrunched her face up and covered it with her hands. “I didn't mean for it to happen so fast with Lucas. We had a couple of drinks and got carried away.” She sniffled and sank down on my bed again. “Like it always does. Why do I always do this, Grace? Am I a slut?” Her eyes filled with tears.

All my questions about Levi slipped to the background.

“Oh, Kya,” I said, and sat with her, my arm over her shoulder. “You're not a slut.”

She sniffled and her lip quivered, but I took a big breath and decided to give her a dose of reality. It might help. “But maybe you make it about the sex so it doesn't have to be about anything else. You know?” She stiffened under my arm, but I kept going. “I think Lucas really likes you. You.”

She sniffled and slid away from me and pulled a Kleenex from the box on my dresser. “But why? Why would he like me?”

The puzzled look on her face hurt my insides. “Why wouldn't he? Give yourself some credit.” I went to her side and put my head on her shoulder. “You're amazing.”

“Thanks.” She didn't move and we both stood like that for a moment, breathing.

“You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You're my best friend,” she said.

I hugged her harder. “I know. You're my best friend too.”

She pulled away and wiggled her butt and then hooted. “And we're friggin' hot,” she yelled.

“Cool it on the ego trip,” Indie shouted from the hallway.

We looked at each other and laughed. “Hopefully that's all he heard,” she said.

I glanced at the alarm clock by my bed. “If we don't leave soon, we're going to be late.” I picked my gear bag up from the floor and slung it over my shoulder. “You okay?”

“I'm fine. Really.” She showed me her teeth.

“Okay,” I said. “Let's go then. Where's your stuff?”

“I loaded it in the car. You left the doors unlocked, so I put my stuff in the hatch before I came in.”

I nodded and opened the bedroom door, waiting for her to go in front of me, and then followed, closing my door behind me.

We walked down the stairs and saw Indie, now in the kitchen shoveling cookies in his face.

“Yo, Indie, 'sup?” Kya said.

“I was chilling until I heard you yelling about how hot you are.” He took a sip of milk. “You two going balling?”

“No,” I told him as I adjusted my gear bag on my shoulder. “We're going to the beauty salon and these are our supplies.”

“Well, you need all the help you can get.” He grinned and shoved another whole cookie into his mouth. “Hey,” he said, showing us his crumby cookie. “I'm going to be starting at the academy September first.”

“Finally!” I said. “I mean that's awesome, it really is!” I added, genuinely happy for him. He'd been wanting to go to the police academy since he graduated high school, but in Washington State he not only needed to be twenty-one, but Dad also insisted he get a bachelor's degree first so he could advance up the ranks faster. Then, when he had the age and the education, Dad wanted to make sure he'd also invested a lot of time volunteering. Even his work at Splatterfest plumped up his resume, working with and mentoring youth.

“Dad thinks I'm finally ready.” Dad didn't like us to do things the easy way or without purpose.

“Have mercy on Tadita,” Kya said. “Indie Black as an authority figure. It will never be the same in this town again.” She walked closer to him and stole a cookie from his pile. “Does this mean you can get me out of speeding tickets soon?”

He laughed. “Nice try, Kya. You should be worried about me being a cop, not excited. I'll be able to monitor your illegal activities from a close range.”

“Nah. You'll have my back.” She grinned and bit off half the cookie. “Anyhow, I hope you're not planning on living at home. Kind of embarrassing to be a state trooper who still lives in the basement at his parents' house.”

“He doesn't even live in the basement,” I added as I walked toward the front door.

“I'll be living on my own as soon as I start drawing a salary.”

“Awwww. But we'll miss you,” Kya said as she followed me.

“Speak for yourself,” I said. I slipped on flip-flops and smiled at Indie from the hall. “You'll do great,” I called as we headed out. “Congrats.”

“You know it,” he called as the door closed behind us.

At least one child in our family was bursting with high self-esteem.

The bright sun hit my face and I searched my purse for my sunglasses. The noise from a lawnmower filled the air. I glanced over and saw James pushing the new lawnmower his dad had bought before shipping off. He said he didn't want Indie to have to do our lawns anymore. Awfully big of him. It wasn't his fault he wasn't around, but James already had so much more responsibility than other kids.

James spotted us, waved, and shut the motor down.

“God, it's annoying the way he's always lurking around,” Kya said under her breath.

“Kya,” I said. “He lives next door and he's mowing his lawn. He's not lurking. And even if he was, he's your best friend.”

“You're my best friend,” she mumbled.

“And so is James.” I waved to him and yelled, “Hey, how's it going?”

“Good,” he called as he walked to the front of the lawn. “You two in a tourney today?”

“Ding ding ding,” Kya called. “Someone get this man a prize.”

He stared at her for a moment and then turned away. “Have fun.” He went back to the lawnmower and pulled it back on. The roar burst into the quiet warm air.

I shook my head at Kya, leaning against the car waiting. She jumped in the passenger seat while I went to the hatch and loaded my stuff on top of hers. After I arranged the equipment, I got in the driver seat. She stared at me as I pulled my seatbelt over my shoulder. I stared back, squinting slightly.

“What? I was nice to him,” she said.

“That was nice? You act like you don't even know him. You two are pissing me off. Make up already. Seriously. You better get along before the Lavender Festival. We are going together and we are having fun.” I glared at her but she didn't say anything.

“Right?”

“Yes, sir,” she said.

“What did you say to upset him anyways?” Outside the window, James mowed perfectly straight lines, his head down, his body language droopy and sad.

She lifted her thumbnail to her mouth, chewed, and glanced out the window at him. “Maybe it's what he said to me?”