How I Lost You (23 page)

I smiled at the giant of a guy walking toward me. Lucas. He stopped and waited and then we fell in step with each other. Voices shouted and ballers wandered around us in various states of dress.

“You're getting better,” I told him. “You made a couple of good hits.” It was true. He'd been invited to play with Lola's new team. I watched his game, and he'd done okay.

“Thanks,” he said. “What about you? I hear the Grinders are watching you.”

I smiled. Not what I wanted to talk to him about. I stopped walking. He did too.

“Thanks. I mean, I never thanked you. For what you did. With Steve.”

He shrugged and grinned. “I'm not just a redneck with shit for brains,” he said, repeating me verbatim.

“Yeah, you kind of are,” I said, but grinned. “I'm kidding. You're definitely not.” I paused, searching for the right words and then went with the simplest. “I'm sorry it never worked out with Kya.”

He shrugged. “I guess I wasn't her type. But how about you? You and Levi have a big date tonight, I hear?”

I smiled and nodded, remembering that Levi kicked him out of the house for the night. “He's a good guy.” We walked toward the concession stand.

“He is,” Lucas agreed. “Watch his temper. He had a thing with a guy at his old school. My mom said it was pretty bad. He won't talk about it much. But be careful.”

“I already know about it,” I said. Lucas didn't know the whole story but it wasn't my job to fill him in on the hows and whys.

“Did you tell him what happened with Steve?” I asked.

“I figure that's your call.”

It was on my list of things to do. No more secrets.

Someone called his name and he glanced past me and waved at a buddy. “That's a teammate. I gotta go. See you inside, Grace.”

***

Before my game, Lola pulled me aside and asked me to her office.

“Sit down, Grace.” She sat on the other side of her desk, watching me, tapping a pencil on her clipboard.

“You're good, Grace. Reliable. I like you.” Behind her, a clock ticked. She raised an eyebrow. “But I have to admit, Kya's asked for a second chance to prove herself. Her attitude seems better and her play is smoking hot. She really wants a chance with the Grinders next year.”

I nodded but didn't say anything.

She narrowed her eyes. The clock kept ticking off seconds. Tick. Tick. Tick.

“So. It's down to you two.” She sat forward and put her clipboard on her desk. “I have to give a report to Betty soon. She wants to know which of you should take the last spot with the Grinders. She likes you a lot, but Kya is stronger.”

I let out a breath slowly. “I thought there were two spots next year.”

“Chantelle is Betty's first pick,” Lola said it without apology.

I bit my lip. Damn.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

“I want you to tell me why I should recommend you over Kya.” Lola sat back in her chair, her hands behind her head. Waiting.

I bit my lip tighter and stared at a spot on the floor. I didn't say anything and neither did she.

“Show me you want this.” She leaned forward. “Why are you a better choice?” she prompted.

I opened my mouth. Shut it. I'd looked out for Kya for so long, it was hard to let go. I knew how much a spot on the team would mean for her future. She would do well at that college. It would mean getting away from her family, away from the guilt and shame of her past. It could change her life.

“You giving up that easily?” Lola asked. “Come on, Grace. I want you to fight for a spot. Fight for yourself. Show me you want it.”

I pressed my lips tighter. Playing for the Grinders could change my life too. But if I got what I wanted, Kya wouldn't.

With a sour expression, Lola stood, shook her head, and pushed away from her desk. “I don't have time to waste,” she said. “I want to recommend the right person. The one who wants it more.”

“I want this,” I shouted. “I'm more of a team player,” I said quieter without looking up. “I add value. I communicate well. I think on my feet. My grades are better and I'm responsible. I won't screw this up.”

Lola sat slowly down in her chair. I looked her in the eye. She smiled. “That's my girl.”

***

I walked out of Lola's office ready for a game. My heart pounded in my ears. Kya strutted toward me in full gear, her equipment bag over her shoulder, her gun in her hand. Her jersey was new. I squinted. So was her gun.

Kya stared at me. I stared back, daring her to see that she'd hurt me but that I would survive. I wouldn't feel guilty about sticking up for myself. No one else had my back. I had to have my own.

The ache of losing her would fade along with the feelings of betrayal. I knew she'd be in my heart forever. One way or another.

We nodded at each other.

“Grace,” a deep voice said from behind her. I ignored the pops of paintball fire from the arena and narrowed my eyes. Steve Blender trailed behind her. He wore a matching jersey. He stepped around her and glared at me. “Kya's going to mow you down out there. And the Grinders want her. Not you. I bought her some top of the line stuff.”

“Shut up, Steve,” Kya said without looking at him. “I don't need your money or your toys to kick her ass.”

I laughed out loud as Kya walked away from us.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” Steve asked.

“Papers,” I said, grinning at him.

He glared at me. “What are you talking about?”

I laughed again. “She's going to give you your papers. As in walking papers. Soon. Trust me, I know the signs. You're done.” He hid his worry behind a scowl. “You can pretend you're a big tough guy and you don't give a crap, but you've never had a girl like Kya. You must have known it wouldn't last.”

“You don't know shit,” he said.

My gear bag weighed me down and I switched it to my other arm. “I know Kya.”

Kya stormed back then and walked straight at me. My heart raced. My palms got sweaty.

“Give me a minute, would you?” she said to Steve.

He narrowed his eyes at me but glanced at Kya and then nodded and left, his tail between his legs.

“Man, you really are good at that,” I said, shaking my head with wonder. Despite everything, the girl knew how to make guys act like puppets.

She reached into the backpack she was carrying and pulled something out. “Happy birthday.” She threw a box at me. I caught it midair. Nerds.

“I got those for you,” she said, and inhaled deeply. “You're still my best friend.”

A couple of paintball guys jogged past and shouted our names. Neither of us looked. I thought about what she said. I could forgive her. I could start the cycle all over again. Or I could let go.

I held up my wrist. I'd gone to the tattoo parlor. Kya had made an appointment for two, but I went alone. It was me who sat down in the burgundy leather chair. I'd watched the ink-filled needles pierce my skin. Two fingers entwined. Underneath it the initials. BBS. Buds before studs. Permanently under my skin. Like Kya. It still hurt. The pain would fade. But the mark would be there.

She held her breath. “That's so cool.”

“I'll always love you, Kya,” I said quietly. “But I can't do it anymore. You hurt me too much.”

She took a deep breath and stepped back. She nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I get it.” The sad look on her face almost made me relent.

Almost.

“Good luck,” she said. And then she straightened her back. “I decided to go for the Grinders after all.” There wasn't malice in her voice but it didn't make my fresh wounds sting any less. “I'm going to be working with Lola. She's awesome.”

She headed off toward Steve and his friends. I grinned. No one said I didn't like competition.

Someone punched my arm and I turned. “There you are.” Chantelle bounced up and down beside me. “I've been searching for you. We're up soon. We have to talk strategy.”

“Sure.” I smiled and threw the box of Nerds at her and she automatically lifted her hand to catch them. “What're these?” she asked, a puzzled look on her face.

“Candies. You want 'em?”

“Sure.” She smiled and popped open the box and poured some into her mouth.

“You busy later tonight?” I asked. “After the game?”

“No. Why?”

“It's my birthday. My boyfriend invited me for dinner.” I giggled when I said boyfriend and then swallowed and continued, “I called to see if I could bring a couple of friends. I invited my other best friend, James. You want to come too?”

Her eyes lit up and she smiled. “That would be cool!”

I smiled back. Chantelle put her arm around me and we took off to play as a team in the arena.

***

Heading out of the locker room after the game, I glanced over and saw Kya standing with Steve.

I didn't want to be angry or bitter but traces of both lingered. I supposed someday it really would hurt less.

I climbed inside my car. Chattering happily and asking questions about James, Chantelle got in the passenger seat beside me. We were on our way to pick him up and then off to Levi's for dinner. I had a great feeling about her and James.

I lifted my hand and waved at Kya.

Good-bye.

An aching loss swooped through me.

And then I drove on.

 

The writing of a book is in many ways a solo and private journey, but when you're lucky enough to be published, it truly becomes a shared experience. I am so thankful to Leah Hultenschmidt, my sparkling editor at Sourcebooks, for her input in this story. She truly helped me find my way into the lives of these two girls and their male best friend. Leah is an amazing person all round and a pleasure to work with.

How
I
Lost
You
stemmed from a simple phrase that made us both laugh. Buds before studs. The bond of girlfriends and then the heartache that accompanies a best friend breakup. I've talked to many, many women or girls who remember the sting and hurt of fighting with a best friend. There's a deep, deep love for best friends, especially in our teens. Memories of those teen friendships transcend time. (And often outshine time spent with boyfriends. Yes. Really.)

Next I really want to thank the readers who are picking up my books and reading them!!! It is such a privilege to have people respond to what I've written. I love hearing from you and I love that my books make you feel things and relate to my characters. Thanks to the passionate community of Book Bloggers for doing what you do and helping foster that love of books among the YA community.

As usual, I had help along the way as I drafted
How
I
Lost
You
. I would like to thank the insight of my trusted writing friends Linda Duddridge, Jennifer Jahbley, Laura Bjorkman, and Denise Jaden.

I also want to thank and express my appreciation to the wonderful people at Sourcebooks. I really am proud and honored to be an author for the “Sourcebooks family.” Dominique Raccah has created such a wonderful company and a real pride in the people who work for her. Todd Stocke leads the editing helm with enthusiasm and grace. Thanks to Aubrey Poole, Kimberly Manley, and Jillian Bergsma for their attention to detail, and to Derry Wilkens who does an amazing job promoting the Sourcebooks authors (and wears the best sneakers). Also thanks to the Sourcebooks sales teams who get out and promote books to bookstores and libraries. Coming from a background in sales, I love me some sales people. And anyone else at Sourcebooks who I haven't named, know that your contribution to this book is appreciated!

Thanks to Jill Corcoran, my lovely agent, who is always in my corner and isn't afraid to tell me when my hair needs to be fixed. How awesome are you? Answer = very.

Also thanks to my sister, Tracey MacLeod, and my mom, Heather MacLeod, for looking after my son so I could finish this book. And as always, thanks to my two favorite guys in the world, my favorite husband, Larry, and my favorite child, Max. Without you two, none of this writing books stuff would be possible.

Lastly, this book is for you. You and your best friend. Whatever your story. Cherish the good times.

 

Rita Award-nominated author Janet Gurtler has collected a few best friends in her travels, but only one best friend ever broke her heart. Though it was almost thirty years ago, she still remembers the pain like it was yesterday. Janet lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, with her husband and son. She's a member of SCWBI and RWA and a Board Member of the Writer's Guild of Alberta. You can find Janet on Twitter and Facebook, or visit her website at
www.janetgurtler.com
.