How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (41 page)

— The so-called
strong one
is actually weak because of the need to be needed.

— Both are insecure and become entangled in a web of emotional bondage.

— The two combine to produce a destructive cycle of manipulation and control, draining joy and happiness out of life.

— Because this destructive dynamic is often subconscious, both parties can feel innocent of any wrongdoing.

Yet God knows that the self-absorbed motives of codependent persons are consumed with trying to fill an empty emotional bucket that has no bottom.
³⁴

“All a man’s ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the L
ORD
”

(P
ROVERBS
16:2).

Bitter circumstances surrounded Naomi,
and she blamed no one but God.

Widowed and left childless upon the death of her two adult sons, bitterness, fear, and insecurity were all Naomi felt as she contemplated leaving Moab to return to her homeland, Israel. She urged her two daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth, to find refuge among their relatives, but they insisted on returning to Israel alongside her. “No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the L
ORD
’s hand has gone out against me!” (Ruth 1:13).

Naomi further compelled the two women to leave. Orpah eventually decided to return to her own family, but Ruth remained loyal to her mother-in-law. Naomi gave up her pleading when she realized the degree of Ruth’s determination.

“Don’t urge me to leave you or
to turn back from you.
Where you go I will go,
and where you stay I will stay.
Your people will be my people
and your God my God”

(R
UTH
1:16).

Everyone who has been victimized has felt overwhelmed by trauma. Many often end up arriving at distorted conclusions about themselves and their world. These incorrect beliefs lead wounded hearts to adopt faulty reactions and behaviors that hide their intense hurt and build walls that act as barriers to intimacy with God.

Yet the Lord lovingly uses failures and problem relationships to reveal unresolved emotional problems. As God calls each one of us to account, His desire is to break down the dividing walls and heal hurting hearts in order to set prisoners free.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed”

(L
UKE
4:18).

The town of Bethlehem stirred upon the arrival of Naomi and her daughter-in-law. “The women exclaimed, ‘Can this be Naomi?’ ” (Ruth 1:19). Naomi couldn’t bear to recall the meaning of her name, a name that signified pleasantness or sweetness. The name Mara, identified with bitterness, seemed far more appropriate for her circumstances.

“‘Don’t call me Naomi,’ she told them.
‘Call me Mara,
because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.
I went away full, but the L
ORD
has brought me back empty.
Why call me Naomi?
The L
ORD
has afflicted me;
the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me’ ”

(R
UTH
1:20-21).

Often those who develop a victim mentality view themselves as spiritual…

Prisoners of the Past

Left unchecked, such anger, disbelief, fear, and doubt can build up spiritual walls that separate victims from the truths of Scripture and lead to the onset of a victim mentality.

The two widows, Naomi and Ruth, were alone and virtually destitute. They were without any means of supporting themselves and had to rely completely on God’s provision.

Rather than sink into depression and self-pity, Ruth had an idea and asked Naomi if she could carry it out. Ruth would follow the custom of the poor and follow behind the harvesters in the fields of fellow Hebrews and pick up the remnants of grain that they dropped. Ruth’s suggestion brought hope to Naomi—hope that Ruth would be able to gather enough grain to put food on the table so they wouldn’t starve. The outcome, of course, would be in the hands of the Lord.

“Ruth the Moabitess said to Naomi,
‘Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain
behind anyone in whose eyes I find favor.’
Naomi said to her, ‘Go ahead, my daughter’ ”

(R
UTH
2:2).

Often those who develop a victim mentality view themselves as
emotional
…

Prisoners of the Past

Left in place, these emotional walls prevent the truth of God’s Word from penetrating the soul, and a victim mentality takes hold.

In the midst of grief and uncertainty, Naomi couldn’t conceive that God was orchestrating circumstances for her blessing—and the link through which He would make this happen was loyal Ruth.

To provide food for herself and her mother-in-law, Ruth chose to glean grain in a field that happened to belong to Boaz, a relative of Naomi’s deceased husband, Elimelech. He was a godly and gracious man, amply providing for and protecting Ruth while she worked.

A glimmer of hope shone in Naomi’s sad eyes when Ruth told her where she was gleaning:

“‘The L
ORD
bless him!’ Naomi said to her daughter-in-law.
‘He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead.’
She added, ‘That man is our close relative;
he is one of our kinsman-redeemers’ ”

(R
UTH
2:20).

Often those who develop a victim mentality view themselves as
relational
…

Prisoners of the Past

As victims of abuse move on with their lives, many outgrow their faulty and immature ways of thinking about life. They put away the past and begin to seek fulfillment through achieving personal goals such as service to the Lord, marriage, children, career, financial success, and other personal accomplishments.

Unfortunately, the patterns these victims developed as children in order to survive remain part of their personalities. These patterns may become ironclad, protective walls around emotional pain or hurt, and they may keep self-awareness, vulnerability, and true intimacy in relationships at bay.

Although those who have been victimized as children yearn for mature love, often a journey back into their silenced hearts seems too threatening
³⁵
and the hidden deceptions too deep to understand.