How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (45 page)

Releasing Bitterness When the Offender Is Dead

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I release the bitterness I feel toward my victimizer, who is now dead?”

A
NSWER
:
Although you cannot confront your victimizer in person, you can confront indirectly by saying what you would want or need to say as though your offender is in front of you.

•
Consider the “chair technique.” Imagine the person seated in a chair placed in front of you. Say the things you would say to the person as if you were actually seated across a table from him or her. Express your feelings about what was done to you and the
ramifications those events have had on your life. Then forgive the person and explain that you have taken him or her off of your emotional hook and placed the person onto God’s hook.

•
Write a letter to your victimizer, stating every painful memory. Read it over the person’s grave or at a place where you can openly speak to the person as though you were in each other’s presence. Then at the close, choose to forgive by releasing your victimizer into God’s hands.

•
Make a list of all painful as well as positive memories. After completing the list, go back to the beginning and write the word
past
next to each memory. Acknowledge and accept that the past is in the past. As an act of your will, release all the pain as well as the person into God’s hands. Take the person and the pain off of your emotional hook and put him or her onto God’s hook.

The fact that your victimizer has died does not mean you cannot forgive and thereby prevent bitterness from establishing a foothold in your heart and mind. The Bible says,

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God
and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”

(H
EBREWS
12:15).

Learning the truth about guilt and forgiveness is a major key to living in freedom.

— Forgive yourself.

— Forgive the offender.

— Forgive anyone who has overtly or covertly victimized you.

— Forgiveness gives you freedom by taking vengeance out of your hands and putting the matter in God’s hands to avenge.
⁵¹

“We know him who said,
‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ and again,
‘The Lord will judge his people’ ”

(H
EBREWS
10:30).

Reason for Forgiving

Q
UESTION
:
“Why should I forgive?”

A
NSWER
:
The obvious answer to the question, “Why forgive?” is this: Because God says so! But
why does God say so
? First, because
others
need it. And second, because
you
need it!
⁵²
Long ago, George Herbert said that the person who cannot forgive “breaks the bridge over which all must pass if they would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven.”
⁵³

The Bible is clear regarding forgiveness:

“Bear with each other
and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you”

(C
OLOSSIANS
3:13).

Forgiveness

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I forgive?”

A
NSWER
:
“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
⁵⁴
This famous quote from Alexander Pope is a heavenly reminder to all of us. However, the earthly reality is more like this: “To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human!” Oh, how much easier it is to blame than to forgive. But we are called by God to forgive. And when you do forgive, genuine forgiveness draws you into the heart of God, and your life takes on the divine character of Christ.

“You show that you are a letter from Christ,
the result of our ministry,
written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God,
not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
3:3).

— Make a list of all the offenses caused by your offender and the pain each one caused you.

— Imagine right now that a hook is attached to your collarbone. And imagine attached to the hook all the pain resulting from the wrong that was done to you.

— Ask yourself,
Do I really want to carry all that pain with me for the rest of my life?
The Lord wants you to take all the pain from the past and release it into His hands.

— Then take the one who offended you off of your emotional hook and place that person onto God’s hook. The Lord knows how to deal with your offender—in His time and in His way. God says,

“It is mine to avenge; I will repay”

(D
EUTERONOMY
32:35).

A
RGUMENT
:
“I cannot forgive and forget. I keep thinking about being hurt.”

A
NSWER
:
When you choose to forgive, you don’t get a case of “holy amnesia.” However, after facing the hurt and confronting the offender, close off your mind to rehearsing the pain of the past. Do not focus on your hurt, but on your healing.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past”

(I
SAIAH
43:18).

Knowing God permitted your victimization—but in no way caused it or condoned it—is paramount! God hates evil and violence and will one day totally obliterate all evil and evil practices. He will pronounce eternal judgment on all who persist in their evil ways.

“I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins.
I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty
and will humble the pride of the ruthless”

(I
SAIAH
13:11).

Columbine

It was April 20, 1999, and the two teenagers had planned for months to celebrate the birthday of their hero. It would be a birthday tribute that no high school student would forget—complete with fireworks. So…happy birthday, Adolf Hitler!

Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris walked into Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, armed with a pair of sawed-off shotguns, a semiautomatic handgun, and about a dozen homemade bombs. The scene was reminiscent of a video the two hate-filled students had made for a school project, in which they had depicted themselves carrying fake firearms and killing students. The teacher never showed the video to the class, deeming it far too graphic.
⁵⁶

Equally graphic and disturbing was what Klebold and Harris posted on a Web site. Racist rhetoric riddled its pages. But even more chilling was the outline of a plan to commit mass murder in Littleton and destroy the lives of the teachers and students they hated. A deputy at the Jefferson County sheriff’s office had been directed to the Web site and an affidavit was written for a search warrant, but it was never filed.
⁵⁷

Klebold and Harris, who always wore black attire, had a reputation for being bullies. Their disdain primarily targeted Christians, minorities, and athletes. They filled their minds with nihilistic music, which denies the existence of morality and traditional values and instead advocates revolution, assassination, and terrorism. And on this fateful day, the two who loved to play violent video games were dressed in black trench coats and acted out their violence as mass murderers. Before turning their guns on themselves, Klebold and Harris shot and killed 12 students and 1 teacher, and left others seriously injured.

Rachel Scott was their first victim. They shot her twice in the legs and once in her mid-section while she was eating lunch just outside of the library. But the bloodthirsty pair wasn’t satisfied…

Rachel tried to crawl away to find cover as the two gunmen walked off, but suddenly Harris turned back, grabbed Rachel by the hair, pulled her head up, and asked, “Do you believe in God?”

Rachel responded, “You know I do.”

Harris pointed his gun to her head and, before pulling the trigger, coldly blurted out, “Then go be with him.”
⁵⁸
And so she did.

Another young woman would share an experience almost identical to Rachel’s. Cassie Bernall had been studying in the library when Klebold and Harris stood over her and asked her the same question—whether she believed in God. Her simple response, “Yes,” prompted
a shot almost at point-blank range. She died immediately. The irony is that, not long before, Cassie’s response might have been no. Before giving her life to Christ, she had dabbled in the occult and had even entertained thoughts about murdering her own parents.
⁵⁹

The widely reported news of the shootings shocked and saddened millions worldwide. Meanwhile, the brave stances for Christ evidenced that day reverberated through the Christian community as word solemnly spread of its newest young martyrs. On the day of Rachel Scott’s funeral, during which tribute was paid to her faith in Christ, the CNN network reached its largest audience ever.
⁶⁰

Cassie Bernall’s story was recounted at a teen mission in Michigan and deeply inspired the 73,000 who were in attendance. Christian organizations on college campuses across the United States reported a resurgence in participation as young people were moved to reexamine their faith. One young man said Cassie’s affirmative response about believing in God had opened the doors for him to share his faith because his unsaved friends were so perplexed as to why, with a gun pointed at her head, she didn’t say
no
.
⁶¹
Cassie’s testimony also moved contemporary Christian artist Michael W. Smith to write the touching song
This Is Your Time,
which was released in 1999.

Consider the irony: While the two gunmen perceived themselves as snuffing out the lives of these two Christians, the result was that untold thousands of people heard their stories and either received Christ or were inspired to live more boldly. In Rachel Scott’s journal, in an entry dated April 20, 1998—exactly one year prior to her death—we find these words: “I am not going to apologize for speaking the Name of Jesus. I am not going to justify my faith to them, and I am not going to hide the light that God has put into me. If I have to sacrifice everything…I will.”
⁶²

Hundreds of thousands of bloggers have read and been influenced by Rachel’s words. Mark blogged back, “I believe that, like Rachel, each of us should make a decision for Christ now, because, like Rachel, we never know how much time we have left on Earth.”
⁶³
Even many people who do not share Rachel’s faith have been deeply touched. Luis wrote [sic], “im not a Christian or neither do i have any interest in the christian beliefs but…i cant stop thinkin about her… shows me how much she is influencing me, Rachel is God’s gift to
humanity.”
⁶⁴
Jeff shared the impact of Rachel’s testimony: “I was one of the millions [sic] hearts you have touched…i am 44 years old and I will never forget u.”
⁶⁵

In light of the overwhelming response to her journal entry and martyrdom, Rachel could have easily said to the two terrorists, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20).

Because we know God is sovereign, we know he permitted the tragedy at Columbine to take place. But that does not mean He caused or condoned it. In the end, He took that which was meant for evil and turned it to good.

And God can do the same in your life. Though He may have permitted your victimization, you need to…

—
Reason
in your mind that God did not create us as puppets, but He gives each person a free will with the ability to choose right or wrong.

—
Realize
that human will must always be separated from God’s will.
⁶⁶

—
Remember
that allowing sin is not the same as causing or agreeing with sinful actions.

—
Recognize
that God will judge sin and sinful people in His time and in His way.

—
Recall
that God did not rescue His own Son from evil people and their evil deeds but allowed Him to suffer an excruciatingly painful victimization and death.

—
Rejoice
that, while God permits evil, He has the desire and power to redeem both those injured by victimization and those who victimize others. He wants to restore them to wholeness and use them to accomplish His divine purposes.