How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (44 page)

Trouble Remembering

Q
UESTION
:
“What if I’m having trouble remembering?”

A
NSWER
:
Ask the Lord to bring to your mind anything He wants you to remember. Pray, “Lord, I’m willing to face whatever painful situations that
occurred years ago. I know that I don’t have to remember everything in order to be emotionally whole. Enable me to remember what You want me to remember.”

Realize:

“The advantage of knowledge is this:
that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor”

(E
CCLESIASTES
7:12).

•
Realizing what you are doing
to get your inner needs met can provide meaningful insight. Ask yourself:

— Am I compromising my values in order to feel loved?

— Am I violating my conscience in order to feel secure?

— Am I being a perfectionist, a workaholic, a fixer in order to feel significant?

— Am I cycling through one idolatrous codependent relationship after another in a vain attempt to fill my love bucket?

Remember:

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
And God is faithful;
he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted,
he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
10:13).

Codependent Relationships

Q
UESTION
:
“How do I stop falling into codependent relationships? And how can I have my craving for love met in a way that honors God?”

A
NSWER
:
Any of us can move from codependency to a healthy, mutual give-and-take in our relationships. When the pain in your relationship is greater than your fear of abandonment, the motivation for change is powerful. To break out of your codependency, you must…

•
Confront the fact that you are codependent.
Before you can break
free of codependency’s grasp, you must admit your love addiction.

•
Confront the consequences of your codependency.
Accept responsibility for how your past experiences and reactions have hurt your adult relationships.

•
Confront your painful emotions.
Understand that you will have pain no matter what you choose. If you leave your codependent relationships, you will hurt, but if you stay, you will also hurt. The only hope for healing is leaving the codependent lifestyle altogether and resolving the emotional wounds that are drawing you into codependent relationships.

•
Confront your secondary addictions.
Recognize that, in an effort to numb the emotional pain of the relationship, codependency often leads to other addictions, such as chemical dependency, sexual addiction, compulsive eating, or excessive spending.

•
Confront your current codependent relationship(s).
Acknowledge your role and stop relating through old, familiar, codependent patterns.

•
Confront your codependent focus.
Stop focusing on what the other person is doing and start focusing on what you need to do to become emotionally healthy.

•
Confront your codependent conflicts.
Do not allow yourself to become trapped in heated arguments or to become emotionally hooked by the bad behavior of another person.

•
Confront what you must leave in order to receive what you truly need
. Leave your childish, dependent thinking (
I can’t live without you
.) and enter into healthy adult thinking (
I want you in my life, but if something were to happen, I could still live without you
).

•
Confront your need to build mature, non-codependent relationships
. Establish several interdependent relationships—not just one exclusive relationship.

Take to heart the admonition of Scripture:

“Let us…go on to maturity”

(H
EBREWS
6:1).

People-pleaser

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I stop being a people-pleaser?”

A
NSWER
:
The best way to eliminate an undesirable belief or behavior is by replacing it with a desirable one.

•
Begin by knowing the truth about yourself and the reality of God’s love for you through studying God’s Word.

•
Ask God to open your eyes and mind to His truth.

•
Why seek the temporary approval of a person when you can have the permanent approval of God?

— Start living for God’s approval by living according to His Word.

— Stop looking to people for acceptance.

The problem with many relationships today is that each person sees the other as the source of supply for the meeting of personal needs. Unfortunately, no one is perfect enough or consistent enough always to meet the expectations of another. In truth, there is only one dependable Source: His name is Jesus Christ.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?
Or am I trying to please men?
If I were still trying to please men,
I would not be a servant of Christ”

(G
ALATIANS
1:10).

Biblical Dependency

Q
UESTION
:
“Is any form of dependency biblical?”

A
NSWER
:
God wants us to depend on
Him
to meet our needs, and not other people. To develop a biblical dependency on God, you must…

•
Rely
on Him, not on people or things or self-effort. “My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge” (Psalm 62:7).

•
Believe
that He will meet all of your needs. You can safely reveal your hurts, your fears, and your needs to God. He will be your Need-meeter. “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

•
Trust
in Him to take care of your loved ones. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8).

•
Rely
on Christ, whose life within you will enable you to overcome any destructive dependency. “The one [Christ] who is in you is greater than the one [Satan] who is in the world” (1 John 4:4).

Negative Patterns

Q
UESTION
:
“How do I overcome negative behavior patterns?”

A
NSWER
:
Know that in Christ you are set free from old patterns of sin. Make choices that are in accord with His Word, allowing Him to reshape your thoughts and your responses.

“We know that our old self was crucified with him
so that the body of sin might be done away with,
that we should no longer be slaves to sin”

(R
OMANS
6:6).

Understanding the bondage that secrets create is essential to breaking down prison walls.

— Talking about the past brings it into reality.

— Telling someone else gives your past credibility.

— Telling the secret breaks its power over you.

— Telling brings what was done in the dark out into the light for healing.

Scripture reminds us…

“ ‘Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the L
ORD
.
‘Do not I fill heaven and earth?’ declares the L
ORD
…
Therefore confess your sins to each other
and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”

(J
EREMIAH
23:24; J
AMES
5:16).

Too Embarrassed to Tell

Q
UESTION
:
“Why tell anyone? It’s too embarrassing.”

A
NSWER
:
Many victims feel responsible for their abuse. This can lead to feelings of shame and a strong desire to keep the events secret. The power of “the secret” keeps you in bondage and must be broken. You are not responsible for the abuse that you experienced. You can declare with Job,

“Let God weigh me in honest scales
and he will know that I am blameless”

(J
OB
31:6).

Walking through the emotional pain of victimization is one of the most difficult but most necessary steps in breaking down the walls that keep you in bondage.

— Pain confirms your abuse.

— Pain unrevealed is pain unhealed.

— Pain expressed is often pain released.

— Pain is unpleasant but not unbearable.

Be assured:

“If we confess our sins,
he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness”

(1 J
OHN
1:9).

Painful Memories

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I bear to recall such painful memories?”

A
NSWER
:
The Lord will help you, and He will bear your burdens. Take one day at a time, depending on the Lord.

“Praise be to the Lord,
to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens”

(P
SALM
68:19).

Standing up for yourself and taking back control over your life and body is liberating in itself.

— Pray for God’s timing and the preparation of your heart and the heart of the victimizer.

— Identify realistic goals that you hope to accomplish through the confrontation.

— Write down what you plan to say and rehearse it with someone beforehand.

— Be prepared for the offender to deny having abused you.

— When the time is appropriate, talk with your perpetrator one on one, or take someone you trust with you if you think it is necessary.

— Let go of secret hopes and expectations. Know that your confrontation is biblical:

“If your brother sins against you,
go and show him his fault”

(M
ATTHEW
18:15).

Confronting the Abuse

Q
UESTION
:
“When do I confront?”

A
NSWER
:
When it is safe and when you can confront positively and in strength. Remember:

“Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing”

(P
ROVERBS
12:18).

Words you could say:

•
“I want you to know that I remember the abusive things you did to me when I was a child, and I want you to know it profoundly impacted my life.”

•
“How did you justify those harmful acts toward me?”

•
“Have you gone to counseling to fully understand the reasons you committed such abusive acts?”

•
“What preventative actions are you now taking to not harm another person?”

•
“I also want you to know that I have a new life in Christ, and He has enabled me to forgive you. He is healing my wounds and giving me joy and peace.”

•
“My prayer for you is that you will accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior so He can heal you too.”

Realize:

“The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction”

(P
ROVERBS
16:21).