How To Set Up An FLR (2 page)

A Dictator's power extends far beyond the financial arena. He or she will determine punishments whenever it suits him or her. Never would a Dictator ask his or her partner for permission to do anything. Normally, however, the partner must obtain permission to do anything other than what they are told to do.

This might sound terrible, but the truth is, many people live very happy lives in this type of relationship. Many people actually live this way and do not even realize it. Some want it, but don't have it. Others have it, but don't want it. The thought of being relieved of all responsibility, except for that which the Dictator orders, is very appealing to some.

The truth is, most of us live in some blending of two of the above types of relationships, but once you answer the questions later in this book, you will be able to determine not only what type your relationship is, but what type you would be happiest living in. There are varying degrees of each type, and exactly how much power each person in any given relationship has also varies. There are other factors that contribute to the health of any given relationship as well. I will get to those in a later chapter, but for now, let's move on to those factors that help make any relationship a success.

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Chapter 2: Approaching Your Partner

This is probably the one thing about which I get the most questions. I realize that it can be a daunting task, especially if you don't really have a plan and you intend to convince your partner to fulfill all your fantasies. Get real! All you would accomplish (most likely) is scaring your partner half to death and hear them tell you that they want nothing to do with it...Ever!

So what can you do? First of all, be realistic. It is highly unlikely that you could tell your partner what you want (especially your fantasies) and get it without a fight. Save yourself all the embarrassment and humiliation of being rejected without any discussion at all. You need a plan. You need realistic expectations.

Let's look at an example: Your total annual income is less than $100,000. You want to buy a new car. You have your heart set on a new Ferrari. What do you think your chances are of getting it if you plop down in front of your partner and drop a brochure in his or her lap and say, “I want to buy that”? Not good, I'll wager.

First of all, your partner will probably laugh in your face and dismiss the whole idea of a new car. The thinking is that you want too much. He or she might even think that there is no point in negotiating with you because you have outlandish expectations and no reasonable median could be found.

So, as you can see from the example above, you need to be reasonable. You need to think small. Plan out what you want to accomplish, then divide it by two and start somewhere less than that. What I am getting at is, if you tell your partner that you want to change your relationship to a female led one without the proper lead in to the conversation, you are destined to fail from the get-go.

You need a plan. So here you are:

First, write down all the things you really want from your relationship. Write them all down! Even your deepest darkest fantasies. You know the ones...Those you never told
anyone
about. Whatever your sexual proclivities, don't bring them up until your new relationship is well underway. Now put this list away for later use. It may change several times before you actually get around to it again.

Second, write down what you think the benefits of your new relationship as a whole will be. Will it bring the two of you closer together? Will it make the financial aspect of your relationship run more smoothly? Will it make you both better role models for your kids? Will it create more respect between you? Anything you can think of that would be a benefit.

Finally, make a list of benefits of the new relationship to your partner. That is, how will he or she directly benefit from such a relationship? Will you pay more attention to her when she speaks? Will she be able to control more of the money and have a bigger input into how it will be spent? Will he perform more of the household chores, freeing up more of her time? How will the new relationship benefit your partner in your sexual relations?

Don't give too many specifics such as, “she will have total control over my orgasms.” That might end up being a disaster. Instead, be vague. After all, something like that will eventually be negotiated. Leave negotiated items for later, when you start negotiating. Bringing them up now might put your partner off of the idea. Instead, stick to those kinds of things that may have been in contention before. Did you fight about money? What did your partner want? More control? More say in how the money is spent? Perhaps it was free time. Who decides when and where you go out as a couple? Maybe you don't do that often enough for your partner. Would the new relationship give your partner more of a say in that? Remember, you want to mention the benefits your partner will receive from a few minor changes in how things are done.

When you finally do sit down to discuss your relationship, DO NOT mention that you are thinking of an FLR! Instead, try to suggest changes that would lead your partner in that direction. Let him or her know that you are open to the female becoming more of a leader than a follower. If she already leads in some things, tell her that you would like for her take control of a few more things, if that's alright with her.

If you run into objections to any part of your “plan” for a new relationship style, don't try to argue your way through it. Instead, offer solutions. If he objects to you taking control of the money, offer to handle all the bills, freeing up more time for his sexual pleasure. Be the person with all the solutions, not the one presenting problems.

The more you talk, the more comfortable you will both become. Once you feel that things are going your way, then you can bring up some of the other things you would like to change as well. When it comes to sex, a woman might not want to be “bothered” too often, or she might want to feel more desirable. In an FLR, she will have more control over when and what kind of sexual activities in which you both engage.

From a man's point of view, a woman might want to hear that she will have more control of sexual encounters. From a man's, he might want to hear that he will get more sexual attention than before. Either way, you don't want it to sound like you are applying pressure. When a person feels pressured, they will, generally, try to shut down any further discussion. Think about it. You may have to start will small changes in order to achieve your larger goals.

It is important to look at all the benefits that your partner will receive from the new relationship and put your own desires off for a later discussion. If you are a woman, you probably would not want to say something like, “I will tell when and what you will get in the way of sex.” That will scare him into thinking he will never get it again. Don't mention that you want to train him as your personal slave or that you want to cuckold him, either. As a man, you don't want to apply too much pressure to your partner by telling her that you want her to take total control of you. Or that you want her to treat you like dirt and only allow you to have one orgasm a month. These are all things that you don't bring up until you are both ready for them.

Chances are, you don't have a written agreement for your current relationship. One that defines each person's role. Such as, who will handle the finances, who will do what chores, and how big decisions will be made. You can always start there. Suggest that you create such an agreement for your current relationship. Then, when you sit down to negotiate things, you can make suggestions about any aspect of the relationship that you would like to change.

Your first agreement might not even include chastity, even if you both secretly desire it. I would wait until you have tested your first agreement to bring up things of that nature. The point is not to push your partner into something he or she might not be ready for. Ease into it. If you (or your partner) are not ready for a particular activity, maybe because one of you thinks it's too 'kinky' or because it might be too intense, then save it for later. You can always modify your agreement to include these kinds of things.

If you are a man trying to get your partner to become your “Mistress,” don't push her. She may not be ready for, or even comfortable with, the idea. On the other hand, if you are a woman and you want to take total control over your guy, take the time to show him all the niceties of tease and denial before you order him to put that chastity belt in place. I think you get the point. Rushing into something before you (or your partner) are ready for it, can be disastrous. Give yourself and your partner time to get used to the idea, whatever that idea is. Maybe suggest it, then give your partner time to contemplate it, research it, even talk to you about it, before you try to push them into it.

Taking things slow and easy is the key to making changes in any relationship, especially an FLR. Push too hard and all you will accomplish is to destroy what you already have. In short, if your goal is to have the woman totally control everything, start by her taking more control over the money or over when you have sex. Then add control over free time. Then, maybe, give her more control over your goals in life as a couple. The slower you take it, the more ready you both will be for what is to come, whatever that might be.

When we converted our relationship from a Master/slave style to a Mistress/submissive style it actually took well over a year to make the full transition. I took over little bits of control one thing at a time starting with household chores. Once I was comfortable with one aspect of our relationship, I moved on to add another. As I said, it took my husband and I over a year to make the transition complete. We have since settled into a Shipboard style relationship simply because there are things I don't want to control all the time. But we still have fun with discipline, chastity, and tease and denial enough to say we are at the top end of a Shipboard style relationship and the bottom end of a Dictatorship style (with a little BDSM thrown in for good measure).

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Chapter 3: Honesty & Trust

You have heard the old adage “Honesty is the best policy” I am sure. Well, in any romantic relationship, it means the difference between success and utter failure. There is no substitute for honesty. However, even more important to any successful romantic relationship, is trust. Without trust, the relationship is doomed to failure. Especially if you have any BDSM aspects included in your relationship, such as spanking, paddling, etc.

Before we go any further, I must admit, there is one time, one occasion when I feel honesty is NOT the best policy. I know, you never thought you would hear me say that, but it is true. If you have, at any time during your relationship, been unfaithful, and you are POSITIVE that your partner knows nothing about it, DO NOT TELL THEM! I know, it sounds like I am countering my own commandment, but I am not. Let me explain...

If you have ever been unfaithful, had an affair or even just a one night stand that your partner knows nothing about, chances are, you feel guilty about it. If you don't, there is something basically wrong with you. Here is my reason for not telling your partner about your indiscretion...You are only trying to unburden yourself of all that guilt. Telling your partner will relieve your feelings of guilt because you have “cleared the air” or “gotten it off your chest.” The problem with that is you are being selfish. All you are doing is relieving your own feelings of guilt in order to feel better about yourself, at your partner's expense.

You selfish pig! Think about your partner's feelings. If he or she will be the least bit hurt knowing the truth, don't you dare tell them. Learn to live with your guilt. Get over it. Don't let your guilt ruin your relationship. This is something that you need to bury deep down inside. But don't forget how awful it made you feel. That way, you won't do it again. You simply do not have the right to hurt your partner that deeply just to relieve your own feelings of guilt. If you feel you absolutely have to tell someone...See a therapist! (You can tell them anything.)

Having said that, if you think your partner does know about your little affair, then you had better come clean. Don't think for a minute that my telling you to keep your little secret gives you the right to run out and have an affair with anyone. It does not. I wish I could tell you that there is some magical way to tell your partner so that he or she won't be hurt by it. I wish there were some spell I could tell you about that would make them forget what you did. The problem is, there isn't any magic, no spells you can cast, nothing you can do. If your partner already knows, then be open and honest. If you are positive that he or she does NOT know, then don't tell them. It's that simple.

Okay, we got through that. Now let's discuss honesty and trust. You can only gain trust through time and honesty. So don't expect your partner to trust you completely until you have had time to earn their trust. You need time to earn each others trust. There is no other factor that can eat away at your relationship like distrust. One lie, one indiscretion, and it's back to square one. It makes no difference how big or how small the lie, it will ruin your relationship and you will either break up or, at the very least, start over from scratch.

So how do you build trust? Time. You must give it time. There is an old BDSM adage that demonstrates the trust between a dominant and submissive. If the submissive is placed on the edge of a cliff, blindfolded, and told to take a step forward, he or she must trust the dominant to either catch them or teach them to fly. This is the kind of trust that every lasting relationship should have. Do they? Hardly ever. But if you want your relationship to last, you must find a way to earn that kind of trust from your partner. Even the submissive partner needs to earn that kind of trust. If your partner tells you to do something, then they must trust you enough to know that you will do your very best to accomplish whatever task they have set for you. You may fail at the task for one reason or another, but your partner must know that you tried your best. That is the kind of trust I am talking about.