How To Set Up An FLR (3 page)

You can not be honest about some things, or honest most of the time, you have to be honest about everything ALL of the time. There is just no other way to earn that kind of trust from your partner. It all depends on you. If you are serious about making your relationship better, then you have to be honest. It is that simple.

When my husband I first met it was online. We met in a chat room, quite by accident. At first we talked there, then moved to instant messaging, and finally to the phone. We talked about everything under the Sun for over four months before we ever met face to face. Why? Trust. We wanted to get know each other intimately before taking that one big step. We laughed, we cried, we comforted each other, we became one another's best friend. When we finally decided to take that final step of meeting face to face, there was almost nothing we didn't know about each other. We had built up our trust of each other by agreeing to be completely open and honest right from the start.

Not everyone has the chance to do that. Many of you are already in a relationship and you don't want to start over with someone else. So make a pact to be open and honest about things and, I think this is important, once you do, don't ask any questions you really don't want the answer to. By that I mean, if suspect your partner once had an affair, and it would damage your relationship to know for sure, don't ask. Make it clear to your partner that you are willing to start over, start fresh, and that you don't want to know about certain things from the past. Let the past be the past. Maybe someday you can discuss them, but for now, let them go. Don't ask, don't tell. It can help you if you are starting over and want to start out right. Clearing the air doesn't always clear the heart.

Emotional well-being, is a very important part of your relationship. Don't risk it on things that don't matter. If there is something in your past that you want to get off your chest, go see a psychiatrist. Pretend you just met and take it from there. That's the best advice I can give you.

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Chapter 4
: Communication

After honesty and trust comes that all important
communication
. Now that you have decided to be completely honest in order to earn your partner's trust, you must begin to communicate properly. This isn't as easy as it sounds. But with a little patience and understanding you can both accomplish it with a minimum of difficulty.

First of all, you must learn to be completely open and honest. Along with that, you must learn not to judge your partner when he or she is being open and honest with you. If that sounds simple, that's because it is.

You and your partner must be able to talk about any subject openly and honestly without judging the other. To do this requires that you do your very best not to show your feelings when your partner is telling you something. Sex is one area in which it is often difficult to be open and honest. It may also be difficult not to react when your partner tells you things that he or she desires, or has done before.

Before we go any further, I need to explain to you the basic differences between men and women. How we were not all created “equal”, that is. For example, women were designed to want sex more when the time is right for getting pregnant. Ladies, you should already be aware of this. A woman's libido is most active just before her period. Now, if you have had a hysterectomy, your libido may have declined considerably. This is normal. Then, again, you may have a very active libido, which is actually pretty rare. Anyway, my point is, your libido is probably not in sync with your partners (unless you are newlyweds who just do it like rabbits anyway).

Men, on the other hand, in order to perpetuate the species (us, humans) have to be ready (and willing) to have sex whenever the time is right for the woman. Since there is no way of telling when that will be, men have very active libidos as a general rule. Of course, there are always exceptions to every rule. My point is, this is a very fundamental difference. Put simply, men are always ready for sex because they have to be ready whenever their mate is ready. Now if you are in a homosexual relationship, this becomes a moot point. Two men will always be ready when their partner is (generally speaking). And two women (assuming they live together) will synchronize their cycles and will, most likely, be ready at the same time, though no pregnancy can result from sex between two women (or two men, for that matter).

What has all this got to do with communication? One of the most difficult things for almost anyone, is to talk openly about sex. Fantasies in particular. Therefore, understanding why men and women are different sexually, and have different sexual proclivities, is important. It is also important to remember just how humiliating it can be for one partner to admit to having certain fantasies, especially if the other partner is not understanding. One snicker, one frown, can mean the difference between a successful discussion and an unsuccessful one.

Think about it, if you have just confessed your deepest, darkest fantasy to your partner, and he or she reacts in the wrong way, you may never tell them another secret as long as you live. After all, our fantasies are simply desires that cause erotic feelings within us. It really makes no difference what those fantasies are, what is important is knowing what arouses your partner. If your partner will not be open and honest with you, what chance do you have of finding out what turns them on?

Knowing how your partner feels about things (many different things) is important. Therefore, it is extremely important that you both feel as comfortable as possible talking about any subject you can think of. It is especially important when it comes to sex. There are very few couples in the world who are truly happy with their sex lives if they do not feel comfortable talking about them.

There are other solutions to an unsatisfactory sex life other than talking about it. Many men simply turn to masturbation, affairs, or ladies of the evening to satisfy their needs and desires. Ladies, ask yourself this question, “Do you really think you can make your partner truly happy without knowing what really turns him on?” If you answered, “No” to that question, then you need to be able to communicate well and so does your partner. You must both feel comfortable talking about any subject. You must learn to relax enough to talk about those things (fantasies?) that are the most difficult for you.

While we are on the subject of fantasies, let me tell you how important it is to know what your partner's fantasies are, and how important your reaction to them is. If your partner told you that one of their strongest fantasies was to watch you having sex with another person, how would you react? Would you say, “That's a very interesting fantasy, but I don't know if I could actually go through with it”? Or would you be more likely to say something like this, “Oh my God! I could never do anything like that. That's just sick!”?

How you react is every bit as important as what you have just been told. If your reaction is one of shock and horror, you will never be able to get your partner to tell you anything openly and honestly again. Think about it. Think about how you would want your partner to react when you tell him something you have always dreamed about. How would you feel if your partner reacted in horror? You would probably clam up tighter than the head of a snare drum. That's not very conducive to good communication, now is it?

What if, in the previous confession, your partner went on to say that he or she would, most likely, not be able to handle you actually having sex with another man or woman, but the fantasy still turns them on? Would that make a difference to you? Perhaps you could find a way to make his fantasy “seem” to come true. Or maybe, you could simply use the information to turn him or her on while you are having (or getting ready to have) sex. Would that be a good way to handle it? Of course it would.

Hopefully, by now you are getting the idea. Communication is vitally important. And openness in a relationship is even more important. I suggest that you try talking about some simple things, like your friends, to find out how you each really feel about them. It's a good way to open up the lines of communication without getting into something too personal. Practice makes perfect, and there is nothing quite as important as open and honest communication to get your relationship back on the right track.

So do your best and remember not to over react to what you hear from your partner. I have to admit, when my husband and I first met, being as it was a long distance relationship, he could not see my facial expressions, nor I his. Instant messaging made things so much easier. If he asked me to tell him one of my fantasies, he couldn't see the bright red color of my totally embarrassed face. I don't think I could have told him anything that really turned me on had we been sitting across a dinner table. But since he could not see me, it was much easier to write out my fantasies, and, with his encouragement, I was able to be honest about what kinds of things actually turned me on.

I am not saying that you should turn to instant messaging, although it is one way to handle the problem, but I am saying to find a way to let him know what turns you on and for him to do the same for you. Remember, every fantasy does not have to be turned into reality. I will write more on that in another chapter. Just remember, what he doesn't know won't help you and vice-versa.

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Chapter 5
: What Kind of Relationship Do You Have?

The following questions may be answered by either males or females or both. The objective of this questionnaire is to find out what type of relationship you now have. If you are both going to answer, it might be best to answer the questions separately and then compare your answers. Sometimes one partner does not view everything in the same way as the other. Giving separate answers can give you both a better insight into your own relationship. Remember, you MUST be honest.

Q-1: Who makes most of the financial decisions?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We make big decisions together

D) We make all decisions together

Q-2: Who normally washes the dishes?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) We do them together

Q-3: When you go to the theater, who decides what movie you will see?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) We choose a movie we both like

Q-4: What is your working situation?

A) Only he works

B) Only she works

C) We both work, he makes more

D) We both work, she makes more

Q-5: Who takes out the garbage?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) It usually takes both of us

Q-6: Who initiates sex more often?

A) He does

B) She does

C) It varies depending who is in the mood

D) We only have it when we are both in the mood

Q-7: When you go out together, who does the driving?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) It depends on the circumstances

Q-8: When going out to eat, who chooses the restaurant?

A) He does

B) she does

C) We take turns

D) We mutually agree

Q-9: Who washes the car(s)?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) We each wash our own cars

Q-10: Who controls the TV remote?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) We only watch shows we both like

Q-11: Who seems to be in charge the most?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We usually agree on things

D) We share responsibilities

Q-12: When you disagree, who usually gets the last word?

A) He does

B) She does

C) It seems evenly split

D) Neither of us will give in

Bonus question for those with children...

Q-B: Who usually hands out the discipline?

A) He does

B) She does

C) We take turns

D) We have set punishments

You should score your answers separately. You can compare them to see if you have different ideas about who is in charge. First, count the number of A's, B's, C's and D's you have.

The more “A”s you have the more of a male lead relationship you have. Take heart, it's okay, there is nothing wrong with that. It may not be what you really want, but we will get to that later. If all of your answers were “A”s, then you have a male led Dictatorship. Anything less and you are probably in a Shipboard relationship.