If You're Gone (19 page)

“But what about your family?” I asked, dropping my head. “Why couldn’t you just pick up the phone and explain to them what was happening…”

“I wanted to tell my parents,” he said. “But what would they think? They had lined up a perfect future for me, with a good job, and I was supposed to start college in the fall with the money they had saved up for me for so long. I know it sounds like excuses… but I wasn't sure how to tell them that I was willing to give all of that up to be with the woman who abandoned me when I was ten years old.”

“And what is your excuse for not telling
me?
” I wanted an answer, but I couldn’t think of a single excuse that would make it okay.

“I tried to.” Brad opened his hand, revealing the weathered note. “I taped this to your window, I thought you would see it the next morning.”

“But what does it say? Does it explain everything you just told me?”

“It says,
I have to go away for a little while. I’m sorry, but please don’t worry. I hope you know how much I love you.”
He sighed as he handed it back to me.

Another lump was forming in my throat. “Five months isn’t a little while, Brad. It’s a long, long time…”

“I know. I’m so sorry. I didn't think this through, it all just kind of happened.” He put his hands on my shoulders and tried to pull me close to him. “I couldn't tell you where I was going without telling you
everything
. I mean, it’s like I had this whole different life that I had never told you about and suddenly it was too late to come clean...”

“So why not just tell me the truth?” I asked, the words barely screeching out. His eyes drifted to the ground. “Brad?”

“I was afraid,” he finally said. “I was afraid of what would happen if you knew the truth about me. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me if…”

“I was afraid, too!” I cried. “Afraid you were kidnapped or
dead
.”

“I know.” His head was shaking. “Lillian, please... Everything is going to be okay.”

A flood of emotions rushed through me and tears suddenly began to stream uncontrollably down my cheeks. I threw my hands into the air, jerking away from his grasp as I rose to my feet.

“Nothing is okay!” I shouted. “
I’m
not okay! I haven’t been okay since the morning I found out you were gone. No, not gone,” I corrected myself. “
Missing.
They found a body that was checked against your dental records, Brad. They pulled DNA off your damn toothbrush!”

“I had no idea…”

“What did you think was happening, Brad? Did you think everyone just accepted the fact that you were gone and moved on? Did you think no one cared that you were missing? Our entire community has been looking for you!”

He dropped his face into his hands.

“I spent the last five months searching for your corpse in ditches and dumpsters, attending prayer vigils, questioning everything I believe in and practically yelling at God because I didn’t understand how He could have let this happen. I lay awake night after night because I couldn’t bear to dream about you… all because you didn't just tell me the truth…”

When he looked up at me, I could see tears forming in his eyes. “I’m sorry-so sorry. I don’t know what else to say, you just have to believe me,” he pleaded.

“Why should I believe you now, Brad?” I cried. “You’re acting like walking away from your life is a perfectly normal, excusable thing. How can I believe anything you say when you’ve done this and kept so many things from me?”

He wiped his face with the palm of his hand. “I don’t know. I’m just begging you to try…”

“What about Chris? Did you send your own brother to join in on the search party for you?”

“What?” he asked. “No, of course not.”

“Did you know that he was befriending me and acting like he understood what I was going through?
”

He shook his head, standing. “No, Lillian. I swear.”

“And when you came back to tell me you loved me that night…” I whispered. “Was that your cowardly way of telling me goodbye?”

“Of course not, Lil,” Brad insisted, reaching for me. “Everything I said that night was true. I came to your window before I ever knew that my uncle was in town. I promise you, it had
nothing
to do with my leaving. And I love you just as much now as I did then…”

I struggled to catch my breath, feeling as though I had used up the last of my strength. “How did this happen? How could you let this happen? How did we get here…” My legs were trembling underneath me as I let my body collapse into his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around me.

“I am so, so sorry,” he whispered as he held me. “I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” I whimpered, sobbing into his shirt. “I didn’t care who you were before me. All I cared about was who you were when we were together.”

Our arms remained intertwined for a long moment. Once my crying subsided, I raised my head and looked into his eyes. He lowered his lips towards mine and before I could pull away we were locked in a deep, sensual kiss. My heart was racing and suddenly we were back on my living room floor, sitting in front of the fireplace, embracing each other for the first time.
If only it were possible to go back to that day and start all over again. Forget all of this.
But as my eyes opened, we were back in the yard, hours from home.

“Just come with me, Brad,” I said as I motioned towards Anna's car. “You have to come back and tell everyone you’re okay.”

This time, he was the first to pull away. His hands swept down my arms and caught the tips of my fingers. “I can’t, Lil.”

“What?” I took a step back. “What do you mean, you can’t?”

“I can’t leave my mom. Not now. She… she doesn’t have much time left.” His voice broke. “I know this must sound crazy to you, but you can come visit me anytime, we can still be together…”

“This isn’t only about
me
, Brad. Your family, the one that raised you, needs to see you too.”

I searched his face, trying to read his thoughts, but his expression had gone blank.

“Wait…” I swallowed. “Are you asking me to pretend like you’re still missing? Is that what you’re asking me to do? Haven’t you let this go on long enough?”

He barely nodded but his eyes blinked as a response. And just like that, without so much as another word, I knew it was over.
It has to be over.

“I need to go.” I reached into my pocket for Anna’s keys and started to back away from him.

“What?” He extended his hand towards me. “No, don’t go. My mom is inside. I want you to meet her.”

“No.”

“Lillian, please. I love you. I’ve loved you this entire time…”

“Stop! Stop saying you love me after everything you have put me through. I can’t lie to our friends and family and act like I don't know where you are! And if you really loved me you wouldn’t be asking me to do this.”

“Whatever you need to do Lil, do it, but please don’t leave like this. You don’t understand. I can’t leave her now.”

He moved in towards me and placed his hand on my waist. Feeling his touch on my hip I held my breath, tempted to fall into his arms again, but memories of the past five months were stronger than the moment. No matter how hard it would be to let go of him, it was my only choice.
Choices
.
For once, I get to make the choices.

“I have been defending you to the police, my parents, our friends, practically the entire town, from the very first day you disappeared. I swore to myself and to everyone else that you would
never
have just left us, even after I learned the truth about your past. And I was willing to look like a fool for
not knowing
so many things about you because I loved you despite all of that…”

“But, Lil, I love you too. I never stopped…”

“Wait.” I put my hand out. “I’m not finished. How can I keep loving you when I feel like I don’t even know you anymore? The truth is that everyone else was right about you. You chose to leave. You chose to leave me.”

“It isn't like that, Lillian. Please, you know it’s not…”

“I can’t lie to your family and our friends and pretend like you’re still gone, Brad. You have put them through enough. You’ve put
me
through enough. They deserve the truth just like I do. And if you aren’t going to be the one to tell them, I will.”

He was frozen with his jaw clenched and eyelids heavy. For a moment perhaps he understood what it was like to have his entire world crashing in on him.

“Just give me some time to think about this,” he begged. “Please.”

“What is there to think about?”

“My mom abandoned me. I can’t do the same thing to her.”

“And what do you think you did to me?” I whispered.

His lips parted as though he were going to speak, but no words left his mouth. I hunted his eyes for any sign of compassion. They were blank, almost cold. I had lost him.

I slowly slipped the chain that held his class ring over my head and placed it in his hand. “Goodbye, Brad.”

“Don’t do this,” he cried. “Lillian, wait.”

I pulled the keys from my pocket and squeezed the sharp metal edges into my fist as I turned to walk to the car. I needed to feel the pain to keep me from breaking down. I heard a few soft footsteps behind me, but they stopped. He wasn’t coming after me. I moved as quickly as I could without breaking into a full-blown sprint, slowing only when my fingers reached the cool metal of the door handle.

“Lillian!” Brad called out one last time. “Please, Lil.”

I didn’t look up until I was seated behind the steering wheel, fumbling with the key ring in my trembling hands as I tried to start the ignition. Brad stood on the front porch of the old house, and behind him the door opened and a woman stepped outside. She was tall and thin with hollow cheeks, dressed in a long nightgown. The engine let out a low
hum
as I placed my hand on the gearshift, but I waited a moment longer before I put the car into reverse.

This frail, sick woman standing just a few hundred feet away from me was the root cause of five months of heartache for myself and everyone else who loved Brad. I wanted to hate her, for what she did to Brad as a child and what she was doing now. But as she clutched Brad’s arm and struggled to keep herself upright, it was clear she wasn’t a villain. She was just as broken as the rest of us.

I raised one hand towards them to wave goodbye. Brad dropped his head towards his mom in response.
I can’t be angry with him for choosing her.

“I forgive you,” I whispered to myself
.

I felt myself smiling through my tears as I drove along the highway in Anna’s little blue car and I wasn’t sure why. Leaving Brad, watching him reeling in the rearview mirror when I pulled away, was nothing to smile about. Yet I suddenly felt lighter, refreshed even, as I made my way back to town. The sun was setting behind me as though the beautiful burning rays were leading me home
. Maybe I am smiling because it's over. Well, almost. It’s over and I made it. I survived.

My phone lay on the seat beside me and I knew I should call the Lees and tell them what I had found, but I hadn’t found the words to say yet. They needed to know Brad was okay, but I wondered if knowing that he chose to abandon them would provide any actual closure. Seeing him, touching him, and looking into his eyes when I told him goodbye was enough for me. They would probably need the same. They, too, would need to know it was over and they had made it.

I drove Anna’s car directly to the Lee’s house, but by the time I arrived they already knew what I was going to say. Brad had called them and relayed the same story he had told me. Montana rushed down the stairs to the foyer and threw her arms around my waist when she saw me.

“You found him! You found him, Lillian!” she shrieked with excitement. “I can't believe you did.”

I looked up at Janice as she wiped a tear from her cheek. “She sure did, honey.”

We weren’t all sharing Montana’s childlike enthusiasm.

“Thank you for all that you have done, Lillian.” Mr. Lee hugged me and then squeezed my shoulders as he looked me in the eye. “You really stuck with us through this whole ordeal.”

So, now it’s an ordeal.
“Honestly, I didn’t know what else to do, sir.”

“Please, call me Mark.”

I nodded and offered him a small smile before exchanging goodbyes with the entire Lee family, minus one prodigal son. As I walked down the front steps towards his muddy truck that was still parked in the driveway, I realized Brad was no longer a
first-name last-name guy
. He was, once again, Brad Colvin. I had to admit it had a certain ring to it.

I headed to Anna’s and returned her car, offering an abridged version of the day’s events that concluded with, ‘I found him, he’s fine, but please don’t ask me any more questions right now.’ Being the best friend she was, she cried as she hugged me and told me to call her when I was ready to talk. I wasn’t sure what I was ready for, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I was ready to go home, crawl in bed, and forget the last five months ever happened.

I handed her the keys to her car and decided to walk the rest of the way home, insisting I needed the air. As I took in the crisp, fall breeze, marveling at the leaves that had turned bright shades of orange and red, I rehearsed the speech I would give my parents.
It was for the best. He did it for his family. I made the right decision to leave him there. I’m not going to regret walking away from the love of my life. It was easy to leave him there…
I started to wonder who I was actually trying to convince-my family or myself.
Will I regret walking away from him? Or could I ever have continued a relationship with him after everything he put me through?

Once I neared my yard I looked down the road and noticed a familiar car in my driveway. It was the same brown, rusty Cadillac I had seen parked at the house in Gladeville.
Brad
.
He came back for me.
Oddly enough, the car was parked in the exact spot where I remembered seeing Detective Padron’s squad car on the first night after Brad disappeared. I ran across the grass and the driver’s side door opened as I approached.

“Lillian,” Chris said as he gently closed the car door behind him. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I stopped a few feet away from him. “What are you doing here?”

“I owe you an explanation.”

“No.” I shook my head. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“I wanted to tell you the truth. I even tried… I just didn’t know how to say it. And, honestly, I didn’t think I could stand to see your face when you found out the truth.” He took a few steps towards me, fidgeting with the sleeves of his gray hoodie. “I couldn’t be the one to hurt you like that.”

“I understand.”

“I really did understand what you were going through,” he said. “When we were kids and Mom couldn't take care of us, she sent me to live with my uncle. But he didn't have room for Brad, and before I knew it Mom had given him up and he was gone. I spent the last eight years wondering what happened to my brother, never knowing if he was safe or even alive. I hadn’t seen him until the night Uncle Jack showed up with him at our house...”

“The night of graduation.”

He nodded. “Mom got out of jail three years ago and decided she was ready to be sober. We've been looking for him ever since.”

“But how did you know about me?” I asked.

“Are you kidding?” He smiled. “Brad couldn’t stop talking about you, telling Mom all about how incredible you were and how you were the best thing that had ever happened to him. I felt like I had to meet you. Based on his description of you, I couldn’t figure out how he was able to leave you behind.”

I dropped my head and my eyes explored the tiny cracks in the pavement. “So, once you met me, did you figure it out?” I asked softly.

“No. I still can’t figure it out.” He stared off across the yard for a moment before looking back at me. “Look, Lil, I know what I said about Brad that day at the lake. About how you didn’t deserve what he was doing to you…”

I shook my head. “Chris…”

“And I still think that’s true,” he continued. “You don’t deserve that. But, I saw how he looked after you left today. I hope you realize how much he cares about you, even if he hasn’t done a good job of showing it. Everything that has gone on with our mom put him in a really tough spot. He didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did.”

“I know.”

“And… I didn’t either.”

I turned up one corner of my mouth. “I don’t blame you for anything, Chris. Really. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have believed you if you
had
told me the truth. And anyway, I should thank you.”

“Thank me? For what?”

“The book.”

Chris dropped his head and nodded. “Right. The book.”

“See, really, you
did
tell me about Brad. In one way or another. It just took me awhile to realize it.” I cocked my head to look into his tired eyes. They were partially hidden behind strands of his hair as Brad’s often were. “Does he know you are here?”

“No way,” he said. “He probably thinks I took off to avoid him kicking my ass once he found out I had been sneaking down here to see you. Which is the other reason that I left.” He smirked and I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.

“Are you going to be okay?” I asked after a moment.

“Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about me.” He took another step towards me. “Are
you
going to be okay?”

“Yes.” I cracked a small grin. “After I re-define the meaning of ‘okay’.”

We exchanged goodbyes and shared a long hug before I watched him back the old car slowly towards the street. My parents were standing in the living room window watching as I waved to him. They had a lot of questions. I only had a few answers.

“Things are going to be different around here, I promise,” I whispered as I hugged my dad and then my mom.

After chatting briefly with Lizard, I turned off my cell phone to silence the constant alerts as I received endless texts and phone calls asking about Brad. I wasn’t sure how the word had gotten out, but I suspected Montana and Anna both had a hand in spreading the news. Mom baked my favorite homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner that night and I gorged on the creamy, custard-colored noodles until the button on my jeans was ready to pop. Graham and Eliza insisted I join them in a game after dinner, and I laughed with them as we sat on the floor around the coffee table.

I was desperately trying to feel ‘normal’, yet I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, watching myself joking and smiling even though I wasn’t actually experiencing the emotions. Despite the colorful, fast-moving card game, my mind kept racing back to the image of Brad and his mom on the porch. I lost for the second time, then hugged each member of my family and retreated to my room. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.

Behind my closed bedroom door, I sat on my bed with my legs dangling off the edge, letting my toes brush back and forth against the plush strands of the rug. I stared blankly at the photos taped around the vanity mirror as my eyes went in and out of focus. Brad was there, smiling back at me, as always, but his smile looked different than I had remembered. I could see now that even in the pictures with me there was a touch of sadness in his eyes.
Maybe now he will find what he has been looking for.

Below the collage of photos, a handful of college pamphlets were stacked neatly where my mom had left them in May.
Maybe I am finally ready to get away from here. Maybe I can go to college and find what
I
have been looking for. Maybe I can learn how to help kids like Brad, and Chris. Maybe the past five months haven’t been completely in vain. Just maybe.

I collapsed backward onto my bed, legs still hanging off the edge, and realized there was one thing I hadn’t done since finding Brad. I hadn’t prayed. But this time, I didn’t want to pray a whiny prayer, begging for this and that and questioning why things were happening to me. I wanted to express my thankfulness. As hard as it was to grasp, I was still thankful that I knew the truth. I squinted my eyes shut, biting my lower lip as I attempted to silently form a sentence, but the words didn’t come. I wasn’t sure how to pray it. Not yet.

Pulling open the small drawer in the top of my nightstand, I rummaged through old birthday cards and tubes of lip balm until I found the small, blank journal I had received as a gift from my aunt on my sixteenth birthday and a purple gel pen.
If I can’t think of the words, maybe I can write them.
I sat up and rested the small of my back against my pillow before bringing my knees towards me and placing the open book against them. I pressed the tip of the pen to the paper and began to write.

Dear Brad,

It was far from a prayer, but suddenly words were rushing through my hand and appearing in the ink on the page.

I thought your disappearance had broken me. But now I realize that you were broken long before I was. While I saw you as my rock, you were the one who was crumbling beneath me. It hurts me that I didn’t see it. But I think what hurts me more than anything is that you didn’t want me to know the truth about your past. There is nothing you could have told me about yourself that would have made me love you less. Knowing the truth would have only made me love the person you have become even more. I naïvely thought that who we were before we were together didn’t matter, but I was wrong. I lost part of myself while I was looking for you, and now I have to re-discover who I was before you, to figure out who I am without you.

I dropped the pen into the crease between the pages and started to close the book but something stopped me. There was one thing left to say.

I’ll always remember you, and I’ll always love you. Even if you’re gone.