In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series) (15 page)

The last few weeks have passed by in a blur. Connor and I
rarely spend a night apart. We usually end up staying at his apartment during
the week, and stay at my place on the weekends so I can still have my Saturday
morning runs with Michelle. She’s says she feels a little neglected since
Connor has come into my life, but she also says that she is very happy for me.
I actually quite enjoy staying at his place, it’s about half the distance to
the hospital, so I can sleep in a little in the mornings. The only downside to
staying there is the fact that Wade also lives there. I have grown to love
Wade, but that boy has no sense of privacy or modesty.

I quickly learn that Wade doesn’t care who is in the
apartment; he will walk from the bathroom to his room naked as the day he was
born. The first morning after I stayed over, I was in the kitchen making some
coffee when he stalked across the living room completely void of clothing. He
smiled, yawned, then proceeded to come sit at the bar in the kitchen. I had my back
to him when he walked in, so when I turned around to a naked Wade sitting with
only a counter between us, I shrieked and dropped my coffee mug. Connor was not
happy about the situation, but Wade, being who he is, hasn’t changed a bit.

Connor makes sure that he locks the door to his room now
too. Wade has walked in when I was changing a couple times and while Connor and
I were in the middle of something that I would rather be kept private, but
fortunately, Connor’s massive body hid me fairly well. His excuse is that I’m
practically family now, so it shouldn’t matter. He says he views me as his “hot
little sister”, but I don’t understand how he can use “hot” and “little sister”
in the same sentence, and not think that seeing me naked is weird. I think he just
likes to get Connor riled up. Connor is so possessive and protective over me.

Wade does have his redeeming qualities. Even though he takes
great pleasure in making me blush and totally embarrassing me, he genuinely is
a good person. I remember the night Connor and I had our first little tiff in
the hall when I overheard their conversation about Kaitlin’s birthday. Wade was
gentle and caring. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I want to
strangle Wade for all of the annoying shit that he does.

Gabbi stays over a few times
during the week as well. She and Wade seem to have really hit it off. Gabbi
doesn’t appear to care about Wade’s antics either; she just laughs her ass off
anytime he does something to make me blush. I think I’ve even caught her trying
to sneak a peek at Connor. Luckily, Connor has the master bedroom in the
apartment, so there is an ensuite bathroom. I wouldn’t put it past Gabbi to try
to ogle Connor in the shower if he used the one in the main hallway. I know I
could stare at him naked all day long if that was possible.

~

I am just coming “home” to Connor’s apartment after my
workout at the gym. I park my car behind the garage and make my way into the
back area that the guys use for practice. It’s Thursday night, and Shameful
Regret is playing at Metro again tomorrow. Connor was acting a little weird
this morning when I left for work, and I didn’t think much of it. He was
standing in his closet reading something, but shoved whatever it was back in a
box and put it back on the top shelf when I went in there looking for my shoes.

When I come around the corner to enter, Marcus is standing
in the door on his cell phone. “Listen man, you need to calm the fuck down. We
don’t need your attitude tonight. Just get your ass back here.” Marcus looks up
when he hears me trip over some loose cables lying across the floor. “Lynae
just got here. I’m sure she doesn’t want to deal with you being a dick either.”
I can hear Connor yelling over the line, but I can’t make out what he’s saying
as Marcus holds the phone away from his ear to prevent his eardrum from
bursting. “Fine! Be an ass! I’ll tell her.” Marcus ends the call and shoves his
phone in his pants pocket.

“What’s going on? Where’s Connor?” I ask.

“Dipshit is out. He’ll be back in a few hours or so.” Marcus
comes over to take my gym bag out of my hand. “Come on, I’ll go upstairs with
you to help get dinner going. Wade and Seth have been demanding to be fed as
soon as you got home. I don’t really feel like dealing with them tonight
either.”

I’m thoroughly confused. Marcus usually isn’t so snappy when
it comes to Connor. They are as close as brothers, having been best friends
since grade school. “You didn’t answer my question.” I stop moving, crossing my
arms over my chest.

Marcus sighs. “Don’t worry about him, Nae. He’s just being
an ass tonight. I’m not sure what his problem is.”

I don’t believe Marcus for a minute. The way he is avoiding
eye contact with me, tells me that he does know what is bothering Connor, but
he is refusing to tell me. Marcus and I have formed a unique friendship. Where
as Wade and Seth drive me absolutely apeshit, Marcus is much calmer and appears
to be the voice of reason for the group. After his initial standoffishness, now
he is always looking out for me, and seems to be just as aggravated when Seth
and Wade attempt torment me. Marcus is starting to feel like another Sly to me.
I feel the brotherly connection with him. It’s very comforting to have that,
especially with all of the issues that have been brought up in recent weeks.

All of Shameful Regret went ballistic when they found out
about my busted lip and bruised jaw. Connor and I didn’t tell them the entire
story of my altercation with Matt. All they know is that an ex-boyfriend of
mine got a little physical. After the emotionally draining time letting all of
it out talking with Daddy and Michelle, I had no desire to talk about it
further. The people most important to me finally knew what happened, and that
was enough to release the weight off my chest. Marcus has been especially
watchful of me since Connor and I came back from Alabama too. I wonder if
Connor told him the entire story of what happened.

I follow Marcus up the stairs to the apartment. Wade and
Seth are sprawled out on the couch in the living area, but immediately jump up
when I come in the room. Marcus takes my gym bag and tosses it in Connor’s
room. I look around the kitchen. It is a total mess. I had just cleaned up last
night after dinner. I don’t know how it can turn into what looks like a war
zone in just twelve hours.

“Nae-Nae, you gonna make that stuffed chicken thing again
tonight?” Wade comes into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. “Please?”

I look from him to Seth, who has plopped himself down on one
of the barstools at the island, laying his head down in his arms. “If Connor
isn’t going to be around tonight, I may just head home. I’m beat, guys.” I say
as I shake my head.

Seth jerks his head up. “Just because he’s being a total
fuckwad, doesn’t mean you can’t hang around.” Seth reaches out to grab my arm.
“Besides, I’ll die of starvation if you leave me.” He whines.

“Look, will someone please tell me what’s wrong with Connor?
He was a little upset at something at first, but for the most part fine this
morning when I left. Now he’s yelling on the phone with Marcus, and you’re
telling me he’s been pissy all day?” I really need to know what’s going on. I’m
beginning to worry about Connor. I thought it was unusual that I didn’t get any
texts from him throughout the day, but I was pretty busy myself, so I didn’t
think much of it.

Wade comes over to wrap his arm around my shoulders.
“Nae-Nae, don’t worry about him. Let’s just eat, watch a movie and chill. I’m
sure he’ll be home soon. I don’t see him staying away from your fine little ass
for long.” He tries to steer me towards the fridge. “I’m hungry. Make me
something to eat woman!” And as if Wade calling me “woman” and telling me to
cook for him wasn’t aggravating enough, he slaps my ass.

“Wade’s right, Lynae. Seriously, don’t get your pretty
little head all worried over Connor. I’ve known him for forever. I know you’ve
had a long day, so lets just try to relax.” Marcus tries to reassure me. I
don’t miss the pointed look between him and Wade. They both know what is
bothering Connor, but refuse to tell me.

I decide to just give in. I honestly don’t have the energy
argue with them. I’m tired, and all I really want to do is take my shoes off,
put my feet up and not do anything, but I’ll cook for my boys. Yes, I called
them my boys. As irritating and annoying as they tend to be sometimes, they
have all wormed their way into my heart and become like family. “Fine, I’ll
stay and hang out. But first, tell me one thing.” I look back at the guys.

“What?” they all ask in unison.

“How in the hell did you guys survive before I came in the
picture? I know you had to get your meals somewhere.” I huff. “And, how is it
that you can create such a mess in such a short time period?”

The response I get is nothing more than laughing and
grumbling about how it wasn’t their fault that they “forgot” to clean up after
themselves. I don’t even try to argue with their logic. I go into Connor’s room
to change into some more comfortable clothes. Luckily, I’ve left a few pairs of
yoga pants and camis in one of his drawers.

After cooking dinner for the guys, and pretty much forcing
them to help me clean up the kitchen, Connor still hasn’t returned. It’s
already a little past eight in the evening. I am worried about him, but I keep
telling myself that he will call me if he needs me. Marcus keeps checking his
phone looking for a response to his numerous texts to Connor, but it doesn’t
look like he’s gotten any reply either. I let Wade and Seth talk me into
watching a movie in the living room. My eyes aren’t open for more than a few
minutes once I curl up on the couch.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

I’m startled awake by a loud booming voice. My neck hurts
and I my legs are thrown in the air as I feel whoever they were draped over
jumping up. I look around at my surroundings. I’m in Connor’s living room. The
television is on and the side lamps are also on. I see Wade standing up from
the recliner next to the couch and Seth practically tripping over himself in an
attempt to get away from Connor’s murderous glare.

“Damn man, what’s your problem?” Wade walks towards Connor
holding his hands in front of him in a placating gesture.

I sit up from my position on the couch, cracking my neck
from side to side. I’m still a little disoriented. I guess I fell asleep while
watching that movie with the guys. I look into Connor’s eyes, and they are
bloodshot. He looks disheveled and not quite himself.

“What’s my problem?” Connor roars. “My problem is that prick
having his fucking hands all over what’s mine!” Connor throws his arm in my
direction.

Huh?

Seth takes a step back when Connor moves towards him. “Dude,
we were just watching TV.”

“Watching TV my ass! You had your hands all over her legs!”

As the sleepy fog lifts from my mind, I really look at
Connor. He’s drunk. And it appears that he is accusing Seth and I of messing
around. “Baby, what are you talking about?” I ask getting to my feet,
approaching him cautiously.

“Don’t ‘baby’ me! What the hell were you doing laying all up
on him?” Connor directs his anger towards me now.

My back stiffens. I will not tolerate being yelled at and
accused of doing something inappropriate when I didn’t do a damn thing. “Excuse
me?” Even I can hear the higher pitch in my voice.

“You. Shithead. Him feeling up your legs. You sprawled
across him.” Connor says through gritted teeth.

I arch my eyebrow at him. I’m not dealing with this tonight.
He’s drunk, I’m tired, I have to work tomorrow. I try to walk past him to the
kitchen where my purse is sitting on the counter. “I’m going home.”

Connor reaches out, grabbing my upper arm, spinning me
around to face him. “You just gonna leave? You gonna go fuck him now?” His hand
is like a vice grip on my arm, eliciting a painful whimper to escape my lips.

His words are like cold water being thrown on me, waking me up
fully.

“Jesus! Connor, she fell the fuck asleep! She stretched out
on his lap in her sleep. He wasn’t going to make her move.” Wade retorts.

“Let her go, Connor. You’re drunk. You’re not thinking.”
Seth stands to his full height, his eyes boring in on Connor’s grip on my arm.

I yank my arm out of Connor’s grip. I can’t find words to
respond to him. I know Connor isn’t himself, but I will not stand here and let
him talk to me like that. I quickly stalk across the apartment, grab my keys,
run down the stairs, tearing out of the parking area as soon I as get my keys
in the ignition.

I manage to keep the tears from
falling until I’m curled up in my bed at home. The continuous vibrating of my
cell phone on my nightstand doesn’t encourage me to answer it, it only makes me
power it down completely so I can try to get some sleep before having to get up
for work in four more hours. My sleep is restless as I recall the accusatory
look in Connor’s eyes tonight. I also saw pain and regret buried deep inside,
and my heart wanted to reach out to console him, but I wasn’t about to stick
around while he was in a drunken haze thinking I was doing something I wasn’t
and laying his hands on me.

~

I cringe as soon as I hear Michelle’s sing-song voice this
morning. I didn’t get any sleep last night after getting back to my apartment.

“Rocker Boy keep you up sexing all night, Nae-Nae?” She asks
when she notices the dark circles under my eyes as she breezes into the locker
room. “Oh, getting a little rough and wild now, huh?” Michelle jabs my left
arm, directly where there is a large bruise from Connor’s grip on me last
night.

I quickly pull my shirt on and over my head. “No, I bumped
into the dresser this morning. I stayed at my place last night.” I walk out to
get ready for the day.

Michelle is hot on my heels. “Whoa! Hang on. You mean I
could have had my Nae-Nae all to myself last night, and you didn’t call me?”
She places her hand over her chest. “My heart is wounded! I never get alone
time with you anymore. You should have called me, bitch!” Michelle pouts.

“I got home late from the gym. I was tired and went straight
to bed.” I shrug my shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

For a Friday, the caseload is extremely light. Not that I’m
complaining, but I would rather be busy today to keep my mind from replaying
things over and over, and not having many procedures scheduled, the day is
dragging by.

My phone has alerted me to several text messages from
Connor, Wade, Marcus and Seth, but I haven’t opened any of them. I’m not in the
mood to deal with him yet. Yes, I know he was drunk, yes I know he probably
didn’t mean what he said, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to listen to him make
excuses. I know that there is something bothering him, but he won’t tell me. I
saw it in his eyes yesterday morning and last night. Gabbi hasn’t mentioned
anything to me today, so I’m guessing that Wade hasn’t talked to her since
yesterday either.

I decide to take my lunch break early. I’m not really
hungry, so I just sit there at the table picking at my salad. I use my fork to
roll the cherry tomatoes around on my plate and push the cucumbers off to one
side. I’m so zoned out that I don’t even notice when Joe comes into the break
room until he plops down beside me. “Alright my love, spill it.”

“Hmm?” I ask him without looking up.

Joe nudges my shoulder. “Doll baby, I know you got something
on your mind. Spill it.” He says around a mouth full of sandwich. “Your sexy as
sin man do anything stupid?”

I am about to respond when the break room door opens again.
I don’t even have to turn around to know who is standing in the doorway. My
senses are attuned to him. It’s like my body calls out for him whenever he is
near. My heartbeat picks up, my stomach clenches, and my breathing becomes
rapid. I remain seated with my back to the door. I can feel Connor come closer
to me. The space between us evaporating with every breath I take. I place my
hands flat on table and look down at my lap. I can see Joe glancing between us
out of the corner of my eye.

When Connor is standing directly behind me, I hear him
speak. “Lynae, please talk to me. You haven’t answered any of my calls or
texts.” He hasn’t reached out to touch me yet.

I don’t respond. I pull my hands off the table, and start
fidgeting with my fingers in my lap.

Connor kneels behind me. He brushes my hair over my left
shoulder, leaving my neck and right shoulder exposed. Connor wraps his arms
around me from behind, burying his face in my neck, inhaling me deeply.
“Sweetness, I’m so sorry about last night. I was a colossal ass.” He kisses the
sensitive spot behind my ear.

I hear Joe’s chair scraping against the tile as he pushes
himself away from the table. “I’m gonna give you guys a minute. Lynae, call me
if you need me.” He hurries out the door after giving me a pointed and concerned
look.

Connor pulls me and the chair out and away from the table.
He is now crouching in front of me with his hands on my thighs. I look away,
but he takes one of his hands, gently pulling my chin so I’m forced to look him
in the eyes. “Baby, please talk to me. I’m not sure what all I said last night,
but I know I fucked up.”

It doesn’t surprise me that Connor doesn’t remember last
night. I know that he would never lay a hand on me in anger if he were in the
right state of mind. “You were a total jackass last night. You basically
accused me and Seth of fooling around on the couch, and asked if I was going to
fuck him when I got up to leave.” I state very matter of factly. “I fell asleep
watching a movie. That’s all.” I cross my arms over my chest and try to look
away.

“Shit.”

“Yeah. What the hell was that all about?” I turn to face him
again.

“Babe, I was drunk. I know I can say this over and over
again, but I’m sorry.” Connor pleads.

“Why did you go and get yourself wasted last night. The guys
said you were snappy all day. You were on the phone with Marcus when I got
there, and he said you were out and not in a very good mood.” I look deep into
his eyes searching for answers. “Where did you go, and what was bothering you?”
I ask.

Connor traces my bottom lip with his thumb. “Nothing for you
to worry about, Sweetness. Some shit was bothering me, I took the wrong route
to try to deal with it, and I had too much to drink.” He sighs. “I don’t
remember anything from last night. I woke up alone, your bag was in my room,
but you were gone. Wade wasn’t home either. He left a note saying that I needed
to apologize to you for hurting you, and that I had better fix things or he was
going to kick my ass.”

I bite my bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

“What did he mean about hurting you, baby? What did I do?”
Connor almost looks too afraid to ask.

I look into his pleading emerald eyes. “Like I said you
accused Seth and I of messing around when all I did was apparently fall asleep
with my legs on his lap, then when I tried to leave because I could tell you
were drunk, and there’d be no use talking to you, you grabbed me.” I
instinctively rub my bruised arm with my other hand.

Connor sees my movement, gently raising my sleeve to reveal
the bruise. “Sweetness, I am so, so sorry. Shit!” His voice cracks. “I can’t
believe I did this. You have to know that I didn’t mean it. I love you, baby.”
He kisses the purplish tinted skin.

I know he didn’t mean it. I can see the pain in his eyes
coming from him knowing that he hurt me. I can see the lingering pain from
whatever it was that sent him off drinking last night. I want to make it all go
away. I can’t stay mad at him. I love him. “I know you didn’t.”

Connor looks back into my eyes before burying his head in my
lap. “I hate myself. I hate what I did. I love you so much. Can you forgive me?
I know you wouldn’t do anything with Seth.”

I run my fingers through his soft, dark hair. Taking a deep
breath, I reply, “Connor, I know you didn’t know what you were doing. I wish
you’d tell me what’s bothering you.” I reach down to tilt his face up to mine.
“I love you, and I want to be there for you, but you can’t go off on me like
that.”

Connor tightens his arms around my waist, pulling me towards
the edge of my chair. “I can’t talk about it. Not now. I just need to make sure
we’re okay. I need you, Sweetness.” He surges up on his knees, his mouth
colliding with mine. I taste want, need and raw desire in his kiss. I can feel
Connor pouring all of his apologies into this kiss.

I pull back from his lips to catch my breath. Connor looks
deep into my eyes, pleading searching, asking. I don’t have a second to respond
before his mouth is on mine again. His tongue exploring my mouth, licking,
flicking, probing. I moan into his mouth as he pulls me off the chair and down
into his lap. I am now straddling Connor, sitting on his bent knees. My mind
doesn’t process the fact that we are in fact in the break room of my workplace.
I let myself get pulled into Connor’s kiss. I kiss him back with all the built
up tension that I have felt since I ran out of the apartment last night. I fist
my hands in Connor’s shirt, holding him to me as I grind against the hard ridge
that is forming behind the zipper of his jeans. I feel Connor’s hands slip
underneath my scrub top at my back, inciting a fire along my skin.

Just as Connor starts to finger the hook of my bra, the
break room door opens, making me remember where I am. “Jesus!” Michelle
screams, leaving just as quickly as she entered, slamming the door closed
behind her.

I pull away from Connor so fast that I land flat on my ass.
I’m panting with desire and now embarrassment. What the hell am I doing? This
isn’t me. What if that had been anybody other than Michelle? I could have been
fired! I am absolutely mortified. Connor is still kneeling in front of me, but
now he looks amused at my expression. “Connor! We can’t do this here!” I’m
trying to smooth out my hair and calm my breathing. “Shit! What if it was one
of the doctors that caught us? Oh my God!”

“Babe, calm down. It was just Michelle.” Connor stands up,
holding is hand out to help me up as well. He doesn’t release me when I make it
to my feet. He pulls my body flush against his, wrapping me tightly in his
arms. “Lynae, I am honestly very sorry about last night.
 
I know I was an ass. I know I should have
waited until you got off work to come find you, but I needed you. My heart
beats for you. I love you.”

His words could melt me into a puddle right here. “I love
you too, baby. We need to talk about last night, but, I need to get back to
work. You being here, is only going to make me get distracted again.” I need to
get my head on straight. I still want to talk to Connor about what happened,
but certainly not here. I have to get back out to work. I’m sure Michelle is going
want details.

“Okay, Sweetness. I’ll pick you up when you get off. I want
to spend some time with you before the show tonight. If I could get out of it,
I would. I think that you and I really need to have some quiet time without
anybody else around before the guys and I have to get ready for the set
tonight.” Connor kisses the top of my head before releasing me and walking out
of the door.

Damn. What the hell just happened? One minute I was sitting
here sulking, dwelling on last night’s events trying to figure out what the
hell Connor’s problem was, the next minute, I’m practically about to have sex
in the hospital one the floor. That man has my emotions going from zero to
overdrive in seconds. He makes my head spin. As much as I love spending every
moment with this man, I know that I need to take a step back.