In an Instant (7 page)

Dax turns to Kari. “Um, are there any topless female servers we can get up here?”

She laughs. “Nice try, baby brother!”

“Yeah, we’re just equal opportunity kind of guys,” Cam jumps in with a smile that says he would like to see Kari without her dress on.

Dax doesn’t miss it, and he smacks Cam in the head. “Dude, seriously?”

“What?” Cam asks with his hands up in surrender.

“Jeff is spinning, and Ben is your bartender.” Kari ignores their entire exchange.

“Jeff, Ben, this is my baby brother, Dax, and these are his friends. Treat ’em right!” she shouts over the music.

They both nod and smile.

I have never experienced life as a VIP, but I know now that I never want to go back. Everything we could ever need or want is at our fingertips. Ben is serving us top shelf everything. I have no idea what I’m drinking, but it’s delicious and being served to me by one delicious bartender.

The night is a swirl of giggles, abs, and some serious dancing. I have been taking dance classes since I was five, so dancing is second nature. I can’t say the same for our boys, which has caused most of the giggling … well, that and Ben and Jeff, who really shouldn’t be allowed out in public without shirts as they could easily cause mass hysteria. I’m feeling amazing. It’s the perfect buzz—not too much, not too little, just perfect.

We are the only ones here, yet we are all crammed together in one round booth. Somehow, I end up between Jake and Marcus. On top of the table, my fingers are entwined with Marcus’s, but under the table, my other hand is locked with Jake’s. This booth arrangement seems to be a perfect metaphor for my life lately.

Suddenly, I feel something in the palm of my hand that is interlocked with Jake’s. I pull it away to see what it is to find a small, white pill.

I look at Jake, and he raises his eyebrows as if to ask “
Want to?”

I know exactly what this is. I have played with Molly before, but never with Jake. It’s so unlike him, especially this far into an incredibly successful season. Generally, alcohol is as mind altering of a substance as he’s willing to enjoy.

I raise my eyebrows back at him as if to return his question,
“Do you want to?”

A mischievous smile breaks onto his lips, revealing his dimples. They truly could create world peace.

“I need to hit the little boys room,” Jake suddenly announces to the table.

Nobody thinks twice; they just all start to slide out of the booth.

“Me, too, while we’re all up,” I say, making sure to put a little time and distance between us so it’s not super obvious.

Lucky for us, the men’s bathroom is right across from the women’s. As soon as I turn into the alcove that houses the restrooms, I feel a hand pull me into the corner. The next thing I know, Jake has me pressed against the wall with my wrists pinned above my head, and he gives me the best kiss of my life.

We are too exposed, but I can’t bring myself to stop.

He slides his hands down my arms then down my back as his lips meet mine. While there is always a hungry passion when we kiss, the risk of getting caught brings it to a new level.

I push my hands up the back of his shirt, and the moment my skin touches his, a current of electricity shoots through me.

“I’ve wanted to do this all night,” Jake says as he trails kisses over my earlobe and down my neck.

“Me, too,” I whisper as his lips come back up to meet mine. I want him, though I know we can’t, not here, not now.

He slides his hands down below the waist of my skirt, his fingers gently teasing my skin. He is driving me crazy.
Crazy!
He pulls back and gives me that same mischievous smile from the booth.

“Want to roll with me?”

I can’t help laughing at his ridiculous play on words. I do want to roll with him, anywhere, but especially in the sheets. I know that’s not what he meant, so I roll my eyes and stick out my hand to accept the small, white pill.

“Where did you get this?” I ask as I eye the pill now in the palm of my hand.

“Jeff.” He nods his head in the direction of the DJ area.

“Wow, they really are full-service here.”

“Nothing but the best for VIPs.”

“Think Kari would lose her shit if she knew?”

“Pretty sure Kari was already rolling,” Jake responds, as if impressed with her and this whole operation. “I hear it’s like a wonderland for your senses.” He says with a smile.

With that, we both swallow our tiny windows into wonderland.

Before I know it, I feel different. Warmth surrounds me. We are back out with our friends, and the music is flowing through me. My chest is vibrating from the bass. I’m so light my body feels like I’m floating. Nothing could bring me down, quite literally.

Marcus has his hands on my hips, and then his lips are on mine. He’s a good dancer, and our bodies move in perfect rhythm to the beat of the music. Well, at least I think we do. It’s hard to tell since I seem to be floating on a cloud.

I glance over at Jake, and our eyes connect since he was already looking in my direction. When he gives me a knowing smile, I can tell he’s feeling what I am even from across the room.

There is suddenly a commotion over near the booths, and Marcus whispers in my ear, “I’ll be right back.”

I’m so elated. Nothing could change that, not even Marcus leaving me alone on the dance floor or the fact that Jake is dancing with Mel, his actual girlfriend.

I sway to the music, enjoying that I’m still floating on this incredible cloud.

Then I see Mel. Her blue eyes are locked on mine, looking a little frantic, but I’m so at peace I can’t even absorb why she’s concerned.

“D. Dani!” I can tell she must have been saying my name for a while by the way she’s looking at me. “Em and Hanna are pretty messed up. We need to take them home. Em just threw up in the bathroom, and Hanna is passed out in one of the booths.”

“I want to stay,” I pout like a three-year-old. I don’t want to waste this amazing Molly buzz on a stupid ride home just because Hanna and Em started partying hard too early.

Mel just smiles. “What are you on right now?”

“Me? Nothing.” I shake my head again like a toddler. “Why does everyone have to go?”

“It’s one-thirty in the morning, and we’re all pretty wasted. Marcus and Dax are the soberest, so Marc is going to drive Cam’s car. Plus, some of us need to get home.” She says with a smile.

Right, those with parents who care
, I think to myself. Not even that thought can bring me down right now.

I feel Jake wrap his arm around my shoulder from behind. “I’ll stay with her and make sure she gets home safely. I mean, it’s on my way. We’ll call a cab or something,” Jake justifies since our houses are right behind one another.

Mel eyes us.

Jake can hold his Molly better than me. I can barely tell he’s on something. Then again, I’m not the best judge at the moment.

As soon as Marcus walks up, Jake drops his arm from mine. Marc steps closer and runs his hands over my hair, his blue eyes locked on mine. “Are you sure you’re okay if I go?”

I give him my sweetest smile. “I’m good. Go so you don’t get in trouble. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Always.” He winks and gives me a broad smile. Then he does his usual handshake with Jake. “Take care of her, man.” He kisses my forehead.

I watch as he walks over to the rest of our group. Nate is sitting with Hanna, stroking her hair to get it out of her face. Dax is with Em, and just by the way he’s rubbing her back, I can tell he really cares about her.

“Are they really okay to drive?” I ask Jake. Somewhere from deep within, my one responsible cell that is not currently affected by Molly kicks in. Then I see Kari step in to help, and I feel like I can let my cloud fully take me away since my friends are taken care of.

Finally, everyone leaves, and it’s just me and Jake alone. Alone, alone. At least, it feels like we are alone.

He embraces me as our bodies connect. We move slowly to the rhythm of the music, picking up speed to match the beat of the song. I forget about Jeff, Ben, Kari, Mel, Marcus—everyone.

We have been dancing so much we are both a sweaty mess. Our movements are perfectly in sync as always. He glides his strong hands over my body, his breath on my neck, his lips on my skin. We are both moving so fast everything is in and out, a strobe light of motions.

“I want to show you something.” Jake locks his fingers with mine as he guides me into a deep corner of the club. There, hanging from the ceiling, is a giant hammock.

I’m not sure if this is real or just my imagination, but then I look to my left, and there is hammock after hammock. This place is incredible.

In the blink of an eye, Jake is splayed out on one of the hammocks with his hands resting behind his head as if he’s on the beach in the Caribbean.

Without hesitation, I nestle into him, a feeling of love overwhelming me. I have never felt love like this—so deep, so pure. Jake and I have known each other almost our entire lives, and I have always loved him, but I don’t think I ever realized how much until a few weeks ago.

He curls his arms around me until I’m pressed against his body. My head is resting on his chest as he runs his hands over my hair. I love feeling his fingers glide through it as they break my tangles free. I love feeling the steady beat of his heart against my cheek. Then he kisses the top of my head.

This moment is so intimate, his kiss so caring I feel like we are the only two people in the entire world, and I don’t think it has anything to do with the Molly.

“We need to tell them.” I didn’t even realize we weren’t saying anything until I hear his voice.

On those words, my eyes meet his, and I shake my head. “I don’t know.”

I love him, and he loves me, but I also love Marcus and Mel, and I don’t want to hurt them.

“I have to. I can’t pretend anymore. I’ve always cared about you, but it’s never been more clear. I love you, Daniella.
You
. I love you!” he shouts out to the sky.

“I love you, too!” I shout out to match Jake and override the music that is still blaring. No one is here except Jeff and Ben, and thanks to the Molly, Ben hasn’t served anyone drinks in a while. Jeff’s tunes seem to be on autopilot. He knows exactly why we are both preoccupied with only each other.

“I called you both a ride.” Kari comes over with a smile. She looks tired yet still just as perfect as she did a few hours ago. She eyes us, definitely knowing there is more going on between us, but she’s too cool to say anything. “Dax is on his way back.” I can tell her words are laced with a warning, which I appreciate.

“You’re a cool chick, Kari.” Jake says what I’m thinking. “Thanks for tonight. And thank Jeff and Ben for us, too.” He winks, no flirtation attached, just pure gratitude and a little underlying hint of how much Jeff actually provided.

“I’ll be sure to thank Jeff. He must like you,” she says with a smile that makes it clear she knows. “He reserves the good stuff for special friends.” She winks back then turns to walk away.

“Hey, guys,” we hear Dax.

It seems like Kari walked away seconds ago, but I truly have no idea how much time has passed with me lying here in Jake’s arms.

Dax eyes Jake as if asking a million questions with just one look. He doesn’t say anything, and neither do we. There is just a silent understanding that passes between the three of us.

Chapter Eleven

Present – Hospital

I open my eyes, unsure if I’m really awake. I see my mom and Hanna’s Dad standing over my bed. Hanna’s dad is a minister, which makes my stomach drop as soon as my eyes land on him. It must be bad if he’s here.
Nate said I was fine.

“Am I dead?”

My mom laughs. “No, honey.” The word
honey
is like knives in my chest. She is so full of shit. Why is she even here? It’s all a show for Hanna’s dad.

For once, I’m grateful for the drugs coursing through my veins, pulling me back into the warm darkness. I close my eyes, ignoring the hate enfolding me.

The next time I open my eyes, I’m sure I’m awake. A part of me is disappointed because I wasn’t able to make it back to Jake. I desperately want to see him again.

Something is different. I look around to see no bag of blood or liquid, no beeping machines, no tubes in my nose—nothing. Everything is gone.
Am I really awake?
Then my eyes lock with Cam’s green gaze as he leans over my bed.

“Finally.” He smiles, his hands bracing the railing attached to my bed. “They stopped giving you drugs hours ago.”

“How long was I asleep?” I ask. It feels like weeks.

“Almost two days.”

I try to bolt up, but I’m quickly reminded why I’m actually in a hospital bed.

“Whoa, slow down there. You’re better, but let’s not run any marathons yet.”

I can’t smile or laugh. It’s been too long. I have been asleep for too long. What did I miss? What happened in the last two days? My stomach turns at that thought. I need to know.

“You said you’d tell me.”

“And I will.”

“Now,” I say emphatically. No more games.

“Now,” he says sweetly, softly. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to. Regardless, he’s played his last hand, and there are no more excuses.

Cam takes a deep breath and moves his eyes to the ceiling as he starts to speak. “Mel is okay, but she’s still in serious condition.” His eyes make their way back to mine as he explains, “She was bleeding internally, but they caught it right away, and they were able to stop it with surgery. She’s doing better. She’s been in and out, and she keeps asking for everyone. We told her you are okay.”

I don’t miss that he didn’t mention Jake or Marcus to Mel, and anger starts to build. Are they keeping her in the dark, too? What is it they don’t think we can handle?

“Jake …” He looks at the beige railing of my bed, tracing the bars with his finger. “Jake is pretty bad, D.” His eyes refuse to meet mine; instead, they are focused on the bars. I need him to look at me so I can read how bad it is.
“But they think he’s going to make it. They gave him a sixty-five percent chance of survival. It’s better than half, and I know in my heart he’s going to pull through. The hardest part is over. The first forty-eight hours were touch and go.”

The hardest part is over, and I wasn’t there for any of it.

“They have him in a medically induced coma right now so he can heal, but they say, with each hour, his chances are better and better.” When Cam’s eyes finally meet mine, they are clouded with guilt. “It’s been so hard, D. We’ve all been here. No one wants to leave. Everyone is afraid it will be the last time we see you guys if we go too far away.” He looks back down and studies the bandages on his hand and wrist instead of looking at me. Then he shakes his head back and forth with disbelief. “Jake was thrown from the car. He was in the middle of the grass, just lying there.”

I want to say I know. I saw. But then I think about how that would sound and figure I shouldn’t mention it.

He doesn’t move on to Marcus, and I see his eyes glaze with mist.

“Tell me,” I whisper.

“Marcus is really bad, D.”

With Jake, Cam was optimistic, but with Marcus, his entire body slumps. My stomach turns over from his words, even more so from his defeated body language. He has already given up.

There is a small pulse of joy within me that he is still alive. I was so afraid he wasn’t going to be.

Cam shakes his head and looks down.

“How bad?”

He presses his lips together and gives the smallest shake of his head.

“It’s my fault,” I whisper.

Cam’s eyes come up to meet mine as he wipes at the corner of his eyes. “What?” Confusion washes over his face, but it doesn’t erase the sorrow.

“He switched seats with me”—I close my eyes—“right before we left.” I can’t open my eyes and meet Cam’s again. “I always sit in front, and right before we left, I asked him to swap, and he did.” I squeeze my eyes shut more tightly, still unable to open them, especially knowing why I wanted to swap—because I wanted to be next to Jake.

“Oh, Dani, this is not your fault. It was an accident, and if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.” Cam’s tears are sliding down his cheeks now. He’s not even trying to mask them anymore.

“His parents aren’t ready to say good-bye yet, but the doctors say it’s over.” His voice cracks through his tears. He is practically sobbing.

I have never seen Cam cry ever. And I hate that he is blaming himself. I understand, but there is nothing he could have done differently. There was nothing different from what we always do. There is never another car on that street.

There is so much more I want to say, but I don’t know where to begin. I’m too consumed with guilt. I see why Cam feels this way, but I can’t begin to explain why he is wrong, why I will never be able to forgive myself. I feel the bile creeping up. I can’t hold it.

My hands fly to my mouth, and Cam jumps into action, grabbing the small, plastic container next to my bed, placed there for just this reason. There isn’t much in my stomach to come up, but whatever was there does.

Cam rubs my back in such a caring, paternal way. I never had a dad who cared, but I know Cam will make a good one someday.

I wish I could take some of his pain and hurt away. His emotions are a mirror of mine. I hate that anyone else on this earth has to feel as badly as I do.

“I need to see him,” I whisper more to the white knit blanket covering my legs.

Cam tilts my chin up and guides my face so our eyes meet. “I know.” His chest rises with a deep sigh, his eyes moving toward the door. “If we ask, they’ll say no, so we need to be careful not to get caught.”

I nod my head, and then he helps me out of bed. I ignore the pain that shoots through my body at the movement. I have only been in bed for two days; however, my legs already feel weak and wobbly.

“Sorry, my legs forgot how to work,” I tell him as my knees buckle, and I almost crumble to the ground. But Cam is fast and strong, and he carries most of my weight the instant he feels me slip.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” He gives me a small smile.

I just give him a look that says to shut up.

I feel as if every part of me is bruised. My chest hurts, and it’s hard to breath. I’m not sure if it’s my nerves or my injuries or a combination of both. Regardless, I know I need to push it all away. I don’t know how much longer I have with Marcus or Jake, and I need to see them with my own eyes, or none of it will be real.

Cam makes sure the hallway is clear before we slip out of my room.

“I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck.”

“Close. It was a pick-up.” He gives me a small, sad smile.

“What happened to the other driver?”

“He’s okay. He really just clipped us, but when I swerved, we flipped. We were in his lane, so I’d say we were at fault.” His small, thin-lipped smile is back.

***

We finally make it to ICU. Physically, I feel weak and hurt everywhere. Emotionally, I am numb. My body seems to have shut down all ability to absorb any of this.

Jake is alive, and Marcus is, too, but for how much longer?

Cam is still bearing most of my body weight. Once we turn the corner, I see chairs lining the hallway outside of the sliding glass doors to each of the rooms in the ICU. Sitting there are all of our friends, the ones who are left, at least: Em, Dax, Nate, and Hanna. They don’t see us at first, which gives me a moment to take them in.

Dax’s arm is draped around Em, and Nate is gently running his hand up and down Hanna’s back. They all look about as bad as I feel.

“Jake’s and Marcus’s parents made a special exception to let us all back here,” Cam whispers.

Why they are here didn’t even cross my mind. And just the thought of their parents having to deal with something this serious sears the nerves running all over my body.

Not seeing any parents in the hallway, he continues, “Their parents must be in with them. Most of their families and everyone else is in the waiting room.” His head gestures back to an area I didn’t even notice when we walked by. As we get closer, Dax glances in our direction. “Dani!” he exclaims, causing everyone to look over at us. Before I know it, we are surrounded by the four of them.

Em reaches her hand out then stops, as if she is afraid to touch me. I hate her hesitation.

“D, how are you?” she asks gently. I can tell she doesn’t want the real answer.

I’m a mess. I don’t think she could handle the truth right now. Every part of my body hurts, yet I can’t feel anything. I’m a numb mess.

Em is always strong and vibrant, but right now, she looks like she’s about to break. They all do. I hate how quickly the life was pulled out of all of us.

“Any change?” Cam asks before I can respond. I love him for taking the attention off me.

The question causes Em and Hanna to instantly mist over while Dax looks down. Nate is the only one who maintains eye contact.

“No.” He shakes his head with the same sorrow that has filled Cam. Maybe it’s something about having two doctors for parents, because his strength is unparalleled. Everyone else seems so fragile; if you breathed on them, they would break.

As soon as Dax realizes I’m having trouble walking on my own, he flanks my other side, and then we make it over to the chairs. Sitting proves to be more difficult than it ever should, but once I’m seated, I can see what is actually behind the sliding glass doors: two rooms, side by side, Jake in one and Marcus in the other.

Both rooms are filled with machines and tubes. Both boys seem as if they are clinging to life with only the help of the machines attached to them. There lie two boys I love so differently yet so completely. I can’t handle the thought of life without either of them, and now I may have to live without both of them. My heart is torn in a million different directions at the sight of both of them lying there.

Watching Jake’s chest artificially rise and fall is sickening. Then my eyes shift to Marcus, and the bile continues to creep up from the same artificial rise and fall of his chest. The beeps are overwhelming yet also a blanket of comfort. As long as there are beeps, they are still alive. I find myself holding on to each beep, each peak and dip of the line mapping their heartbeats.

My stomach churns over. I need a bathroom. Now. I try desperately to will the bile back down, knowing getting to a bathroom will be near impossible.

I feel Cam’s supportive hand on my knee, mostly because it’s the only place he can touch that isn’t bruised or battered.

I can’t take my eyes off either Jake or Marcus, seeing their parents crying, hugging, pleading. Why do they make these walls glass? This should be private. I hate that everyone can see in.

“They look the same,” I whisper to Cam.

“The way the doctors explained it, the machines are helping Jake, but they are the only thing keeping Marcus alive.” He says it as if he’s said it a million times, like he’s numb to the weight of his words. Numb to what they really mean. “They’ve been talking to his parents about organ donation.” Once again, numb. Maybe Cam is as numb as me. Maybe none of us can truly absorb what this means.

Marcus is only eighteen; how can it be over? He’s perfect. His life is perfect. He needs to make it to nineteen and twenty. He needs to be loved as much as he deserves, something I couldn’t give him, and now I hate myself for it.

“Daniella,” I hear a soft and gentle voice. It pulls me away from my dazed focus on Marcus and all those damn machines.

My eyes meet his … well, his mom’s, who has the exact same blue eyes as he does. Just seeing them sends shooting, painful reminders through me. I should see his eyes. They should be open. What if I never see them again?

“Mrs. Clark,” I say, trying to get up to return her outstretched arms for an embrace.
God, why does it hurt so much to move?
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” I say as I return her embrace, and I hate how she trembles in my arms.

We both finally pull back, and my eyes meet hers again. They are red and swollen. I despise that she even has a reason to be this shaken up. She has always been wonderful to me. Marcus’s parents are a lot like Mel’s—happy. He is truly a product of his environment. His parents are incredibly kind, caring people, and it’s not fair that this is happening to them.

She runs her hands over the part of my hair that isn’t covered by bandages. “How are you, honey?” she asks so sweetly, so genuinely concerned when she shouldn’t be. Her son is dying, and it’s my fault. I’m a horrible person.