In an Instant (8 page)

I look over at Cam, hoping he will be able to give me some strength through osmosis. Then I meet her eyes again but I can’t bring myself to answer. I press my lips together and shake my head ever so slightly as I feel the tears pooling. With one blink, they are sliding down my face.

I look past her to see Marcus, still there, still lifeless. Then my eyes meet hers again.

“He loved you so much, honey,” she says and it breaks me. Literally breaks me.

Why is she speaking about him in the past tense already? He’s still here. He’s right there, very much alive.

I shake my head and am quickly reminded I have a concussion. I try to step back, but I forgot the chairs were behind me, and I stumble. The world starts to spin around me, and my legs lose the ability to hold me upright. I brace myself for the inevitable collision with the hard tile floor when, out of nowhere, Cam wraps his arms around me, and he pulls me back up to safety.

“Oh, Daniella, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted you to know how much he cared about you.”

Please stop
. I squeeze my eyes shut as the guilt swarms through me, consuming me.

“I know,” I muster with barely a whisper, but it’s there. I’m trying so hard to hold it together for her. I need to be strong. She’s losing a son.

“Maybe we should get you back to your room.” Nate steps in, concern etched all over his face.

“No,” I say so emphatically it causes him to recoil both physically and emotionally. “I need to see them both,” I say, gaining strength. I will not go back to my room without seeing them.
I need to talk to them.

Cam knows we are on borrowed time before my nurses realize I’m gone, so he helps me into Marcus’s room. If nothing else, at least my little episode got me a speed pass in to see him.

“I’ll give you a minute,” Cam says as he pulls the sliding glass door shut, but I don’t even turn to acknowledge him. I can’t look away from Marcus.

I close my eyes for a split second because this is too much to handle, too much to take in, to understand. I gently touch his hand, the only part of him that doesn’t have something attached to it.

“I’m so sorry, Marc. I’m so sorry for everything. I hate that you are here like this. Just a few days ago, you were fine, better than fine. It’s not fair how quickly it changed.” I take a deep breath and try to keep my voice steady. “I should be here. I should be the one in this bed, and you should be upstairs. I’m sorry I asked you to switch seats. You always sat in the back. Always. I asked you to swap for a reason I can’t even bear to tell you. I’m so, so sorry, Marcus.” I close my eyes and rest my cheek on his hand, hardly noticing the tears sliding down my cheeks.

I focus on his hand. It’s still warm. It’s still the same. It’s still his hand. He looks the same. How is it that his body decided to stop working? He’s fine; it’s like he’s sleeping. I feel his chest rise and fall and pretend it’s not from the machines, that we are in his room, lying on his bed, talking about everything and nothing. I could always tell him anything … except about Jake. That’s the one secret I kept from him.

I hear the whir of the sliding glass door, but I can’t take my eyes off Marcus. I can’t let go of his hand. I need to stay here. If I stay here, nothing will change. He can live like this forever.

“Hi, Dani,” I hear Marcus’s voice.
Great, now I’m hallucinating.
I know it’s impossible, but it sounds just like him.

“Cam wanted me to tell you that other people need to come in since they only allow two at a time. He thought you’d actually listen to me. Guess he doesn’t know you that well.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, knowing who it is, but I want to relish in the sound of his voice. It’s the same voice as Marcus’s, just laced with more sarcasm. I can’t bear to turn around, because as much as he sounds like him, he looks even more like him.

“I’m so sorry, Luke,” I whisper to the blankets that are covering Marcus.

“How are you doing?” he asks as he rests his hand on my shoulder. I close my eyes and pretend it’s Marcus’s hand touching me. I know I need to stop pretending, but I can’t. I need him to wake up.

“It doesn’t matter.” I shake my head with my eyes locked on Marcus. I refuse to turn around. “When did you get here?”

“Yesterday. I got a pass from my professors to miss mid-terms.” He gives a small laugh, masking the uncomfortableness filling the room.

Luke is one year older than Marcus. He was a god at our school. Now he’s a freshman in college, but I’m sure he’s still a god, just in a slightly bigger fishbowl or pond or whatever.

I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. I merely squeeze Marcus’s hand more tightly.
Please, just squeeze it back. Please.

“I can’t believe it,” Luke whispers softly. “I mean, I never worried about Marc. He was always fine. He figured out life at five.” He gives another painful chuckle.

I know I need to leave to give someone else a chance to visit, but I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to let go. Luke must sense it.

“Come on; we’ll do it together,” he whispers to me as his fingers wrap around my other hand. “She’ll be back, Marc.” He leans in and touches his brother’s leg, talking to him as if he were awake and fine.

Dammit.
My eyes land on Luke, and my heart drops. It is filled with so much pain my body can no longer support it.

Luke looks even more like Marcus than I remember. He has the exact same almost black hair that hangs in the same incredibly blue eyes. He is exactly the same height as Marcus, just a little more filled out, a little more muscular. Seeing them side by side, it’s as if Luke is looking into a mirror, a horrible, demented mirror full of machines and beeps.

I close my eyes and hear his words repeat in my brain. “
She’ll be back
.”
Will I?
In my soul, I know this is it. This is the last time I will ever touch him, see his cheeks filled with color, feel the warmth of his soft skin.

“Come on, Dani; we should go.”

“I can’t,” I say, losing all form of control. I feel it slip away, but I can’t do anything to stop it.

I clutch Marcus’s hand while I lean over him and whisper, “I love you. I will always love you. This is not fair. Please don’t leave me like this.”

There is no reaction, no movement. I know in my heart he’s really gone. Marcus was superhuman; if there were an ounce of him left in this body, he would show me. He would give me a sign.

It’s only the machines keeping him here, but none of us want to admit it.
I can’t admit it.

I have always loved him. I just was never in love with him, not in the same way I love Jake, the same way I am in love with Jake.

Guilt racks my body. I can’t bring myself to leave his side.
Just because I wasn’t in love with him with my whole heart, doesn’t mean I don’t love him with my whole heart.

I can’t stop shaking. I drown out Luke’s voice, his touch. I know he’s losing a brother, but I can’t register that. My brain cannot handle any more devastation.

I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe in and out. I concentrate only on breathing.

“Dani? You need to walk with me,” I hear Dax, but I keep my eyes closed. I can’t bear to walk out of this room with them open. I can’t see the good-bye. I can’t let walking out of this room, me leaving him, be my last memory of Marc.

I have been numb this entire time, but now all feeling comes slamming back into my chest at once. I’m shaking uncontrollably, unable to stop. And I can’t open my eyes.

“It’s okay, Dani. It’s okay.” Nate is calm next to me.

When I feel both Dax and Nate’s hands on my arms, I’m glad they’ve got me. I trust them. I know they won’t walk me into the sliding glass door.

“She needs to lie down.”

“No, she has to see Jake.” Dax is emphatic, and I love him for it.

“She can’t handle it right now. Look at her,” Nate barks back matter-of-factly.

“She’s right here, and she can hear you,” I tell them calmly when I finally open my eyes.

Both of them start to laugh.

“It’s good to have you back,” Dax says with a smile. I’m glad his smile is the first thing I see.

“You scared us back there,” Nate says with a small, nervous laugh.

“He’s gone,” I say so mechanically it’s as if my brain finally let me admit it.

Dax looks away, but Nate holds my gaze, and his tears tell me he agrees.

“Fuuuck!” Dax shouts as he punches the wall.

For the first time, I notice they brought me to another room. It’s a small, rectangular room with a few beds. There is no glass and barely enough space for much else other than the beds lining the walls; most likely, it’s a sleep area for the doctors.

“That’s a good way to get us kicked out,” Cam says as he peeks his head around the door.

Dax doesn’t even acknowledge him, letting me know he’s having as hard of a time as I am with everything.

“I’ve got a few connections if anyone tries.” Nate smiles. He is so calm and collected. I never thought about it before, but after this crisis, I’m now sure he will follow in his parents’ footsteps and be a doctor someday. It also clicks that this is why we have all been allowed back here in ICU for so long.
God bless Nate’s parents.

I know his dad is chief of surgery, and I can tell his mom is well-respected just by the way the other doctors interact with her.

“Hey, can I have a minute with Dani?” Dax asks the room.

“Sure, but keep it short because we have to get her back to her room soon,” Cam says.

Nate kisses me on the head, and Cam gives me a smile as he shuts the door behind them both.

I hate the way Dax is looking at me, as if I’m about to break, or maybe it’s as if I’m already broken, because I am.

“I know, Dani,” he says softly, sitting down next to me on the bed.

It’s such a broad statement that I’m not sure what he means.

“About Marcus being gone already?”

“No, about Jake.” His eyes lock with mine, and he squeezes my knee.

My heart drops. I thought it was my secret, and after seeing Marcus, knowing why this happened to him, I know that’s what it needs to stay—a secret.

We need to end it. It can’t ever happen again if we ever get a chance to have it happen again.

I don’t know what to say. Even if I did, the words won’t come out. I can’t speak.

The room fills with silence as we both stare at the stark white wall in front of us.

With his hand still on my knee, Dax gently squeezes it once more, and then he finally turns back to me. “I’ve known since the night at the club.” My eyes lock with his. They are filled with questions as he continues to explain, “I confronted Jake after we dropped you off.” Dax shakes his head. “But I sort of always knew. I mean, I saw the way he looked at you before that night. I knew something was up with him, and when I saw you together at the club, it all made sense. I knew why Jake has been off, why he was so protective. He really loves you, D. They both do … did.” He looks down on that last word. “I just know how hard this has to be for you, and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. I’m here for you … if you need me.” His soft brown eyes meet mine again, and they are filled with love. There is no questioning, no anger, just pure love. That alone suffocates me with guilt.

Unable to speak, I simply nod. That’s all I can do without breaking completely.

Chapter Twelve

Fifty-Six Hours Ago

The game is close. Too close. It’s our last regionals game, and if we win this, we go to state.

The score is 87 to 86, and the other team has the lead with one minute left on the clock. Anything could happen in one minute; it’s like a lifetime in basketball.

Our coach still has all five starters in, so all five of our boys are on the court.

We are playing the Mavericks, and they are a great team. This is the first truly evenly matched team talent-wise that we have played, which is not good. Usually by this point, a lot of our boys are either on the bench or have had a long break, giving the other players a chance to play, but our guys have only had a few small breaks. I can tell they are all exhausted.

Marcus is drenched in sweat. I kind of love it. He’s playing hard, just like he always does. He’s a true gentleman everywhere but on the court. On the court, he rarely let’s anyone or anything by him.

While Jake is playing just as hard, it’s effortless for him. He’s in deep concentration, and I love the expression on his face when he plays. It’s always the same, and it’s the happiest I have ever seen him. Pure joy courses through his veins whenever he is on the court. This is where he belongs. He loves a challenge, lives for it, though he’s rarely challenged, so I can tell he’s elated to finally have some competition, to finally have a reason to give one hundred percent of his effort.

Marcus passes to Jake then blocks the player on the other team, allowing Jake to take the ball to the basket, which he does and scores. We are up by one.

All of the girls on our squad give each other nervous smiles as we erupt into a cheer with the rest of the crowd.
Jake doesn’t even acknowledge it. None of the boys do, and that’s how I know they are in the zone.

The Mavericks get the ball, and they bring it back down fast, but Cam goes for the block and fouls their player, so they get two free throws.

Our side of the crowd creates so much noise by banging their feet it’s deafening, but it works, and the kid misses his first shot.

The girls and I all coax the crowd to do it again as their player tries to concentrate on his last shot.
Swish
, the ball flies through the net
.

Shit
. The score is tied 88 to 88 with thirty seconds left.

Dax gets the ball and brings it down the court with less urgency than I would like. I still don’t understand how they can all stay so calm when the game is so close with such little time left on the clock. My insides are turning over. There is so much riding on this game. Being seniors, we don’t have next year to make it up. This is it.

I can barely look. Dax seems as if he has all the time in the world. The smile on his face tells me he knows he’s got this. I’m glad at least he’s sure.

There is an unspoken conversation of looks and nods happening with all five of them. I have no idea what they are planning, but I know enough from years of watching them that they are up to something.

Marcus somehow gets open, even though his guy is all over him. That’s the thing; he’s so fast he is like lightning. Dax passes to him, which brings the other team’s focus to Marc. It works like a charm.

He passes to Nate who passes to Jake. They are running down the clock. Although the other team knows this, our boys are so fast they are one step ahead. The Maverick’s don’t know where to look, whom to go to. I don’t, either.

I love watching them play together like this; it comes so naturally, like breathing for them, when they work as one.

At the three-point line, Marc gets open again. Jake nods to Marcus with a smile I don’t miss. The other team expects Jake to take the shot. He is our star, our top scorer, so they move forward to steal the ball. However, Jake is faster. On their move, he passes to Marcus who shoots.

It’s as if time freezes. It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop while both sides watch the ball fly through the air. The silence is interrupted by the swish of the ball as it flies through the net. It’s a perfect three-pointer. They could create instructional videos with that shot.

Our side of the crowd erupts. The score is 91 to 88, but there are still five seconds left, and the Mavericks are getting the ball back. Luckily, Nate is faster than their guy, and he steals the inbound pass. He quickly passes to Jake to keep it away from the other team and avoid getting fouled. Jake passes to Marcus who is somehow open. Our boys are too fast for them, and the Mavericks watch as their chance at state slips away while the clock ticks down.

As soon as the clock hits zero, Marcus throws the ball straight up in the air, and our entire school swarms the court.

I feel strong, sweaty arms pull me out of the crowd. My eyes expect to land on Marcus, but when I look up, I see Jake’s incredible smile and deep dimples. He picks me up with his arms wrapped around my waist and spins me around.

“We did it!” he whispers in my ear. I hope to always hear this elation in his voice.

He’s usually so cautious, but we couldn’t get any more out in the open than we currently are.

As he places me back down and the crowd continues to swarm around us, I catch Marcus’s glance in our direction. He’s being carried off on the shoulders of the team and practically the entire school. He scored the winning shot, and his teammates won’t let him get away without rewarding him. They are bringing him to the basket to cut the net down.

When my eyes land on his, he gives me a smile, a heart-melting smile. It’s so genuine, so full of trust. My body reacts as butterflies fill my stomach when I return his smile, but my heart is locked on Jake, on his smile, his dimples, his heart.

“Congrats!” I scream to Jake over the cheers of the crowd.

Everyone passing by pats him on the back, fist bumps him, or gives him a high-five. The girls squeal when he gives them his infamous smile as they congratulate him.

I look for Mel, but she’s lost somewhere in the crowd, so we are safe for now.

“Who are you looking for?” Jake asks as he steps closer to me, guiding my eyes back to his with a gentle touch of my chin. His eyes are a gorgeous light brown at the moment, filled with green and grey flecks. “I’m right here.” He steps even closer, our chests touching, and I feel his sweat-soaked jersey through my cheer uniform. I know it’s wrong, but my body reacts with excitement. I need him. I want him. But we can’t. Not here.

I stand up on my tiptoes so he can hear me. “We need to be more careful.”

“Why?” he asks, revealing his incredible dimples. His smile is enough to convince my heart this is not a mistake, though my head knows it is.

I glance back to the basket to see Marcus hoisted up on the teams’ shoulders. He almost has the entire net cut down.

“Because you have a girlfriend, and I have a boyfriend.” I hate the words, despite knowing they need to be said.

“Not for long,” Jake says as his fingers interlock with mine. Our hands are hidden by the crowd that continues to fill the court all around us. They are the perfect symbol of our relationship—our hearts are intertwined, just like our hands, but it needs to stay hidden, private.

“Hey, guys!” I hear Mel’s voice before I see her, and we both quickly unlink our fingers.

I give Jake a nervous glance, but he still seems to be on his winning high. He doesn’t have a care in the world.

Mel eyes us with a questioning look, but trust wins over. I can almost see her mentally dismiss it. “Cam said, after showers, everyone is heading to Lucas’s house. So hit the showers, baby.” She gives him a sweet smile.

“Will do.” Jake runs his hand down her arm then leans down to kiss her on the cheek, his eyes staying locked on mine. Before he pulls up, he mouths, “
Meet me. Locker room.”

Mel turns to me and links her arm with mine. “Come on, D; let’s go change.”

***

Since this is regionals, we play on a neutral site at the County Center. The positive is this is a real venue with actual locker rooms and showers for both teams, so there’s no need for the guys to go back to school to change. The negative is I have no idea where I’m going.

I lied to Mel and told her I had to find Marcus, so just add that onto the pile of lies.
I am the worst best friend.

My heart is slamming in my chest as I walk through the narrow back hallways that lead to the locker rooms. I know this is how we walked out to the court, but I’m having a hard time remembering which way the boys’ locker room is.

Thankfully, it’s much less crowded back here since everyone is still on the court. I can actually hear myself think, and everything I’m thinking is telling me to turn around. Then I hear it. His voice.

“Daniella.” His voice is so deep, so beautiful.

I close my eyes before I turn around. I should walk away. This is too dangerous, too risky. My heart wins the internal battle, though, and when I finally turn around, my eyes land on Jake walking toward me.

“You came.” His deep smile shows me his perfect dimples, and all doubt is washed away. This is where I need to be—with him.

“I came,” I say, resting my hand on his chest for balance as I stand up on my tiptoes.

He leans down, and his soft lips meet mine, a surge of electricity flying through me from the contact. I know he feels it, too.

“I needed to do that,” he whispers, his lips still inches away from mine.

Before I know it, he is pulling me through a door, and then we are in someone’s office. I don’t bother looking around, unable to take my eyes off his. They are dancing with so many different colors: gold, green, flecks of blue.

“Where are we?” I ask, my gaze never leaving his.

“Somewhere private.” He smiles then leans down and kisses me. It’s a deeper kiss this time. All of the longing, secrets, and passion are poured into this kiss.

The desire to be together is laced with urgency as he picks me up and places me on the desk. I think it’s the desk, but who has time to look or even care? It’s something hard and made of wood.

He pushes his fingers through my hair as I run my hands down his back, feeling his sweat-soaked jersey. Needing to touch him, I push my hands under his jersey then pull it up and over his head.

I stop to take him in, and my breath is stolen from me. His perfection is stunning, and his smile blows me away because it’s filled with love. He looks at me as if he sees me the same way I see him, as if I’m something beautiful and precious, something to be cherished. No one has ever looked at me that way before.

We both just relish in this moment of being truly alone together until I can’t wait any longer. I reach out and slide my hand down his chest, wanting to memorize every contour as if I’m reading brail.

His touch is slow and gentle as his fingers glide over my collarbone and then up to my face. The pads of his thumbs run over my cheeks, and his eyes lock with mine.

“You’re beautiful, Dani.” He doesn’t move, only takes me in as if he’s memorizing every detail, just as I’m doing for him. Then he leans in and kisses me. This is the best kiss yet, soft and gentle.

There is no urgency, no need to rip each other’s clothes off to make the most of the limited time we have together. This kiss is filled with everything we want to say: the yearning, the secrets, but mostly the love, a love that is so strong and powerful it’s worth losing everything for.