Infinite Desire (33 page)

Me:

We r in the library now
watching the news. This is horrible. I think everyone in here is in total
shock. Where R U?

Cane:

I’m at my dorm still, I
didn’t have any classes this morning. I’m watching the news right now too. This
shit is scary, I cannot believe terrorist high jacked those planes. The people
who were on those…it’s so sad.

Me:

I know, I think half
the school is in here right now. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe they were
able to do this. I can’t imagine how many people are hurt or worse :/

“Oh.
My. God!” One of the teachers standing beside me gasps. I look up at the
television. Shock takes over; as I hear the words leave the reports mouth.
Another plane just crashed into the Pentagon.

Reaching
for my hand, Roxie grips it between hers as we watch the news together. We hear
about terrorist threats, but you never think it will happen here. We see it on
the news about suicide bombers in Iraq and other places with conflict. But we
always have that it will never happen where you. Sadly now we know, that isn’t
true.

***

May 28, 2003

Cane’s
first two year of College have been tough, but we got through it. I think it
actually made our relationship stronger. We made a point to get together at
least every other night, and spend every weekend together. I would usually stay
at his Frat House on the weekend or his parents’ house, when he decided to come
home for the weekend.

I’m
excited to be finished with school. I officially became a high school graduate
four days ago! I am not sure what I want to do yet. I love music, I play the
guitar, violin and sang all through High School in the choir. The idea of going
to college to be a music teacher has been playing on my mind. I got a part time
job as a waitress at
Ocean Side Dive,
one of the local dive bars along
the beach. Cane tendered bar there for the last two semesters, so helped me get
the job. The pay is lousy, but tips are good. They make us all wear short boy
shorts and bikini tops. 

I’m
5’6” and very curvy. So guys tip well. My father is Latino and my mom Irish. As
a result I have tiny freckles on my petite little nose, full lips, almond
shaped brown eyes, naturally tanned skin. That’s even darker after spending all
summer at the beach. God blessed me with a good size breasts and what Cane
describes as a perfect ass. He hates that I have to dress so skimpy, but he
knows I can handle myself. If anyone gets happy hands, I quickly put them in
their place.

Ever
since 9/11 Cane has been talking a lot about the “War on Terror” as President
Bush describes it. U.S. Troops have been in Afghanistan fighting Al-Qaeda since
a few weeks after the 9/11 attacks. America lost thousands of people that day.
It’s heartbreaking to think about to this day almost two years later.

Cane
still has two more years of college to go before he can graduate with his business
degree. But he has been talking a lot with people at Ocean Side Dive and his
father about the war. I’ve heard him mentioning a few times that he wants to
enlist in the army. Fight against the terrorist who attacked the United States.
I’ve actually hear it a lot of people saying that, pretty much since the day
9/11 happened. It scared the living crap out of me hearing him talk like that.

I
appreciate all the men and woman serving our country, protecting and keeping us
safe, trying to prevent something like that ever happening again. I’ve seen so
many things on the news about soldiers being killed or missing in action. I
don’t want that for my life; living in fear of the day when I’m told Cane was
killed overseas. I want to join Cane at the University of Miami in the fall.
Finish our schooling, get out there into the working world. Get married, have
kids and grow old together. But I am starting to lose faith that is not how
things are going to turn out.

***

August 1, 2003

Laying
in Cane’s bed, I look around at all of his trophy’s sitting on the shelves in
his room.  With dread my eyes land on the stack of boxes on the floor in the
corner. He just finished moving all of his things out of the frat house. I
still cannot believe he enlisted in the army, and dropped out of College.
Attending the University of Miami has been his dream; to be able to do that and
with a scholarship. That was a huge achievement for him, he lives and breathes
basketball. I love sitting on the bleachers watching him play.  

It’s
heartbreaking to know he is giving all that up. He says he feels he has an
obligation to our country. To serve and protect. He thinks joining the Army is
the right choice for him. I have cried more tears over these last few weeks,
then I have my entire life. For tonight, Cane just wants to focus on us.
Tomorrow he leaves for Georgia for basic training. The thought of being away
from him for months, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to handle it.

Starting
classes in two weeks without him, won’t feel right. It helps that Roxie got
accepted to Miami also. But it won’t be the same, I always envisioned Cane
walking me to my first college class. Now he’ll be thousands of miles away.

The
feeling of Cane’s lips on my shoulder bring be back to the here and now.
“Please stop thinking about tomorrow Brittan. We have one more night together.
I want to spend it with all of you. Not just a fraction of you.”

Rolling
over, I gaze up into Cane’s sparkling blue eyes. It makes me sad to think I
won’t be able to do this every night. I try my best to smile but I can’t help
but feel devastated. I run my fingers through his hair, twisting it around my
fingers, “I’m going to miss your hair; I love it all long and shaggy.”

“It
will definitely take some getting used to, but right now. I could care less
about my hair. All I care about is being with you.”

I
couldn’t agree more; eager to taste his kiss, I pull his lips against mine,
instantly getting lost in his kiss. Opening my mouth, I allow his tongue full
access. Letting out a small moan, I push on the back of his head showing him
just how badly I want him…need him. I need him to kiss all my worries and fears
away.

Caressing
my bare thigh, he makes his way up under his t-shirt I’m wearing. I love
sleeping in his t-shirts, being wrapped in the scent of his favorite cologne. I
told him I’m keeping this one to sleep in until he returns home. Running my
nails along his back, he slides in between my legs, working his hands along the
side of my stomach. Pulling away from my lips, Cane stares down at me. He looks
so gorgeous, he hates when I tell him that. He says it makes him sound like a
“freakin’ chick” but I just laugh it off. I don’t care he is the sexiest most
gorgeous man I’ve ever laid eyes on.

“I
love you.” I whisper as a single tear escapes the corner of my eye. Cane
reaches up and with the pad of his thumb, wipes the tear away. Gently
fluttering a path of kisses from the corner of my eye; down my cheek, to my
neck. Leaving a path of fire along my skin. Within seconds he has his basketball
shorts off and onto the floor. I sit up allowing him to pull his t-shirt over
my head. He quickly tosses it onto the floor beside his shorts.

“I
love you more Brittan.” He always says that, every time I tell him I love him,
he always says
I love you more
. It instantly gives me butterflies. We
spend the entire night making love until the sun came up. I didn’t want to
close my eyes and welcome sleep. I held on to hope that maybe if I didn’t fall
asleep, that tomorrow wouldn’t come.

After
showering and having a quick breakfast, Cane grabbed his bags and loaded them
into the trunk of my Chevy Cavalier. We drove to the airport in silence. I
turned up the radio trying to drown out the thoughts buzzing around in my head.
Cane laced our fingers together, rubbing the top of my hand with his thumb. A
small smile formed on my face, as tears run down my cheeks. I love it when he
does that, he knows it helps me relax. Even though I know deep down, he’s a
wreck right now too. He’s doing everything he can to be strong for me. He knows
how bad I am with goodbyes.

I
cried my eyes out when he moved across town to attend college two years ago.
Now he’s leaving the state, it’s just so overwhelming. I’m missing him already
and he hasn’t even left yet.

Standing
in the middle of the airport it feels like I am outside of my body; looking
down at myself. Watching as everything plays out in front of me. Cane standing
in front of me all dress in Camo. Only a few minutes away from boarding a plane
to take him to Georgia for basic training. I wrap my arms around his waist and
press my face against his chest. Taking in the smell of his body wash and
Adidas cologne. I can’t stop the flow of tears that are now escaping my eyes. I
refuse to say goodbye, so we agree to tell each other “I’ll see you later.”

“You
make sure you call me every chance you get, it’s the only thing that will keep
me from totally losing my mind.” I say as I finally work up the strength to
speak. A voice comes over the loud speaker informing everyone flying to Atlanta
International that it’s time to board the plane.

“I
will, I promise. It won’t be so bad. You’ll be so busy with school, and you
have Roxie. These next twenty one weeks will fly by in no time.” Kissing me one
more time. Cane releases me from his embrace and swings his bag over his
shoulder.

Wiping
away the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hands, I manage to form a
tiny smile. “I hope you’re right, because I am going to miss the hell out of
you until you come home.” I blow a kiss at him as he turns to walk away. I
stand in the middle of the airport trying to let the fact that he is really
doing this sink in. Someone bumps into me, as they rush through the airport
knocking me out of my fog.

I
walk over to the giant wall of glass windows and stare out at the plane Cane
just boarded. Wishing that he would run off the plane, and tell me he changed
his mind. We could walk out of here hand in hand, talking about how our year at
College together will be. But that never happens, I sadly watch the plane move
down the runway and soon disappear in the afternoon sky. 

***

July 4th 2004

It’s
been almost a year since Cane joined the military. He’s only home for a few
weeks before he has to deploy to Iraq. I have turned into a nervous wreck ever
since he broke the news to me last week, terrified does not even come close to
describing how I feel. I’ve been trying to distract myself with work, and
spending every chance I get with Cane.

Since
he’s been home, we’ve had almost no time together just the two of us. We’ve had
to go to my parents, then his parents’ house for dinners. Matt and Dalton have
called almost every day to get together. Either to go surfing or fishing. Roxie
and Matt finally gave in to what they’ve been fighting since high school, and
are finally together. So at least when they want to hang out with Cane and I,
Roxie is there to keep me company.

All
five of us spent the day out on the boat. It’s been in the ninety’s all week,
so I was never so happy to get into the water. The boys took turns driving
Matt’s speedboat pulling us all on the tubes. Roxie and I went on it together
since we’re so small. Then the guys each went by themselves. After a few hours
of tubing. We parked the boat for the boys’ to fish, while Roxie and I read
soap opera digest and gushed over Nick Newman.

At
dinner time we pulled into the marina and parked the boat. We walked down the
boardwalk trying to decide where we wanted to go for dinner. Tonight is the
annual fireworks show at the beach. So we want to grab something to eat and
then head down to the beach with our chairs, and find a spot by the water to
sit and watch the display. Today marks four years since I first met Cane.
Before then, the 4
^th
of July was one of my favorite holidays…but now
it’s definitely my favorite.

After
getting completely stuffed on fried shrimp, burgers and French fries. We headed
down to the beach. The guys carried our chairs for us, so Roxie and I could
race each other down to the water. Seeing the spot where Cane and I met was
vacant made me even more exciting, if that’s even possible! Dalton surprised us
all by pulling a box of sparklers out of his cargo shorts. We all lit one up
and swirled them around the air while waiting for the fireworks to start.

Sitting
on Cane’s lap with him holding me tightly against him made tonight absolutely
perfect. Resting my head on his shoulder, we watched as the fireworks shoot
off, one after the other. There’s something about the loud boom of the
fireworks and the fizzling sound as the colors explode across the night sky
that’s just so breathtaking to me. The guy hosting the fireworks came on the
loud speaker wishing us all a Happy 4
^th
of July and announced that
it was time for the finale.

I
feel Cane wiggling underneath me as he tries to slide out from under me.
Standing, I allow him to get up and plop back down on the chair. “Where are you
going? I ask it’s the finale!”

My
jaw, I am pretty sure just hit the sand, as I take in the image in front of me.
Cane down on one knee, pulling a ring out of his cargo shorts. Transforming
this moment into something extraordinarily special, even more amazing is the
fact that there are about a hundred fireworks going off up above us. Roxie is
bouncing on Matt’s lap, screeching with excitement. It’s hard to see in the
dark, but with the glow from the fireworks. I can somewhat make out the ring
he’s holding. It completely takes my breath away. It’s a small diamond with two
butterflies on each side. The butterflies have tiny rubies in their wings and
tiny diamonds along both sides of the rings band.