Infinite Love (40 page)

‘I landed from New York this afternoon and your mum had left me a message, so I drove straight here,’ he replied as he cocked his head. I let out a surprised gasp as my shoulders jerked.

‘My
mum
rang you?’ I was seething with her.

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘She was concerned that you were acting out of  … you’re seeing
him
?’

‘So that’s why you came!’ I gasped. ‘You didn’t come to see me, to apologise, or to talk, you came because you think I’m seeing someone else and it’s wounded your pride,’ I scowled at him.

‘You’re my
wife,
Mia,’ he snapped.

‘A wife you obviously don’t want anymore,’ I snapped back. ‘You’ve made that perfectly clear. I waited two weeks for you to call me.
Two
weeks, Gabe, and you didn’t pick up the phone once in that time.’

‘I picked it up loads of times,’ he shot back.

‘Sorry, I didn’t get those messages,’ I hissed. I could hear my voice shaking I was so angry and my heart was racing, but it wasn’t just anger. My heart was racing because the love of my life was sitting here in front of me, and even after what he’d done to me, I still loved him.

‘So what? You decided to set a time limit, that I was unaware of, for me to try and process our issues? I went over it without knowing and now you’ve just decided to ignore me and  …
moved on
?’

‘Our issues?’ I gasped. ‘They were
your
issues Gabe, issues that ended up affecting both of us, affecting our marriage and no, for your information I haven’t “just moved on.” I cried for days. I sat there waiting to hear from you and not a damn word. I didn’t even know you were home two weeks ago, let alone …’ I stalled, I couldn’t bring myself to mention Chelsea, I knew I’d really lose my cool. ‘I got fed up of sitting feeling sorry for myself and I’ve been trying to have a life, a life that had some fun in it instead of
constant
stress, pressure and arguments.’

‘That’s how you saw our relationship?’

‘That
was
our relationship recently, Gabe.’

‘I was unfair, blaming you for the loss of … that was unfair of me. I was angry and I was lashing out in the heat of the moment, out of pure frustration, but I never should have said that to you. Everything was beyond your control, beyond our control and I can’t handle that. I
need
control, you know I do, and feeling so damn helpless sent me crazy so I blamed you. I was wrong and I’m so sorry.’

‘I understand you wanting control Gabe, I was right there, you think it didn’t affect me the same? I appreciate your apology, I really do, but I don’t see how it helps. You’ve moved on.’

‘
I’ve moved on?’
he gasped. ‘I came back from New York to spend time with you on the Sunday, to apologise and you ignored all my calls. I had to go get back for work on the Monday and had planned to ask you to come with me, so we could work this out. I had no bloody idea where you even were and had to leave without you. I’ve been ringing you
constantly
ever since. This was the first chance I had to come home and I get a message from your
mother
telling me that you turned up here. Telling me that you’re making dates with the guy you told me you had feelings for. And
I’ve
moved on?’

‘Don’t you dare lecture
me
about moving on, Gabe. You think this has been easy for me?’ I hissed. I was so confused. He seemed genuinely apologetic and hurt, but if he still loved me, how could he have run to her?

‘God damn it, Mia. I know I was a jerk. I blamed you and I left you hanging for two weeks. It shouldn’t have taken me two weeks to realise that you’re more important than any baby you might give me. That was
my
issue, I thought I’d resolved my guilt over my mum and I hadn’t. I spoke every day with Dr. Jarvis on the phone and he made me realise that asking you to try again was unacceptable and wouldn’t change the past. I know that you’re what’s important in my life, not you having my child. I love you. I still love you and I’ve missed you so much. Life’s been hell without you,’ he sighed, as he wiped away some tears and ran a hand through his hair. God damn him, I was feeling sorry for him. I was
feeling
for him, still. Even sleeping with her couldn’t break my love for him.

‘I know the feeling,’ I whispered. I caught his gaze and saw the pain in his eyes, pain that I knew was reflected in mine.

‘I mean, you weren’t just my wife, you were my best friend.’

‘You say that in the past tense Gabe, like I’m not anymore.’

‘I don’t know what we are anymore, Mia,’ he replied with a sad laugh throwing his hands in the air. ‘You’re seeing
him.
Have you slept with him?’ he asked. I was suddenly hit with a ball of anger again, how dare he question me, just because he’d cheated.

‘I need you to leave, please.’

‘You haven’t answered the question and we haven’t resolved anything.’

‘No, and it looks like we never will, Gabe. You left me hanging, you’ve broken your promise to never hurt me and you’ve broken my heart. I can’t do this anymore, Gabe. I love you, I’ll always love you, but I can’t do this. I’d like you to leave.’ I stood up and wrapped my arms around myself as the realisation that our marriage seemed to be over hit me. By running back to
her
he’d shattered the part of me that could have forgiven him, even if he had agreed to move forward with adoption or a surrogacy. There was no going back, no going forward. We were stagnated, done. I felt myself crying. All my worst fears of marriage had been brought to life. I’d never seen this coming when we’d said our vows to each other. I’d been in this for life, just as much as I was sure that he’d been.

‘Mia,
please
,’ he begged as he walked toward me with tears in his eyes. I wiped mine away and shook my head.

‘Please don’t touch me,’ I implored and moved away from him. ‘I’m living with Lexi for now, so when I get home and have time to settle back in at work I’ll be in contact to move my things out.’

‘I can’t believe you’re leaving me,’ he whispered. I couldn’t understand the pain and hurt all over his face. He was with
her.

‘You left
me
Gabe, you left me thinking that you blamed me and you made your choices. Please don’t make this any harder than it is, I want you to go.’ I backed into the corner as he approached me again, and shook my head as tears streamed down my face when I realised that I was trapped and he was still advancing. ‘
No
,’ I begged. I couldn’t bear to have him so close, not when I missed him so badly.

‘Mia.’ He grabbed me and squashed me to his chest as I sobbed. I could feel his body shaking in perfect synchronicity to mine. I felt myself moulding to him, two opposites that slotted perfectly together. That
had
slotted perfectly together. I wondered if he held
her
in his arms like this, if he’d told
her
that he loved her too. I tensed and up and shoved him off me. I could only think of one way to get him to leave me alone, to let me grieve without him pestering me, so that I could get over him and start again.

‘I slept with Tyler, Gabe. I’ve been sleeping with him for the last two weeks and he makes me happy. So I need to you leave. Now. Or I’ll call Gerry,’ I advised, trying to stop the shake in my voice as I looked at his devastated face. He looked just how I’d felt when I found out he was with Chelsea, and I knew how much that hurt. I saw tears streaming down his face as his body slumped, defeated. Gabe my dominant husband was missing. Gabe the insecure, needy little boy was standing in front of me and it was breaking my heart.

‘I thought I was your engine?’ he whispered as he wiped his face.

‘And I thought I was your forever, things change.’ I strode over to the lounge door and opened it. He hesitated as he took shaky breath and walked past me and out to the front door. I hugged myself as I watched him open it, through the tears blurring my vision.

‘I can’t believe you’ve done this to me, Mia. I just can’t. I know what I said about falling out of love with you if you ever cheated on me, but … even now … even now when I’ve just found out you have and a part of me hates you, I
still
love you. I’ll never stop loving you,
never,
’ were his parting words as he closed the door. I ran to it and quickly turned the lock and rested my forehead against the solid wood as I cried. When I eventually straightened up I turned off the lounge and then the hall lights. I padded through the dark kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. As I turned to head upstairs I noticed the outside security light was on. I walked to the kitchen window to see his new car was still in the drive. Sitting on the gravel, leaning back against his wheel arch, was Gabe, sobbing his heart out and I felt mine completely shatter.

I met Tyler at the Food Fayre in the park the next day, wearing my tinted sunglasses to hide my tear ravaged eyes. We spent a nice morning wandering around, having a picnic and chatting, it was a welcome distraction from how hurt I was feeling.

‘Are you ok?’ he asked he tucked my hair behind my ear.

‘Sorry, I didn’t sleep well after the argument with Gabe and my mind’s racing.’

‘What time’s your train tomorrow?’

‘Five o’clock,’ I smiled and he frowned.

‘O, I was hoping to be able to say goodbye, but I’m on duty from eleven a.m. tomorrow. Listen, I was thinking why don’t I drive you home? I could take you back this afternoon, we could go out for dinner and you could show me this club of yours.’

‘Tyler, that’s crazy.’

‘Why? We can have some fun tonight to cheer you up, and I get a chance to spend a few more hours with you and say goodbye. I’d be happier knowing you’re safely at home.’

‘It’s too far to drive there and back in one night, you’ll be exhausted.’

‘I’ll book a hotel and leave early in the morning.’

‘You’re serious,’ I exclaimed.

‘Yes. Come on, if we leave now, you have time to pack and for us to get up there early evening. I’ll drop you at your mum’s, then go and get an overnight kit from mine and come and pick you up. What do you say?’

‘I ..’ I stalled as I looked at him. ‘Fine,’ I sighed. ‘But you can’t book a hotel for half a night, you can stay at ours, as long as you don’t mind the sofa.’

‘I slept on a metal gurney between surgeries, or sitting on the floor, trust me a sofa will be like a five star hotel,’ he laughed as he pulled me up. He dropped me off at home and I went up to start packing and Mum came out of her bedroom and wandered in.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m going to head home, Mum. Tyler’s offered me a lift back instead of me getting the train tomorrow. Do you mind?’

‘You’re going back to work it out with Gabe?’ she looked at me all hopefully.

‘No, Mum. We’re over.’

‘Mia,’ she sighed. ‘He told us everything last night while we were waiting for you. He genuinely knows that he made a mistake. Surely you can understand why he was so confused after what he went through as a child. He loves you sweetheart, and can’t understand why you’re cutting him out.
I
can’t understand it.’

‘He told you everything, did he?’ I nodded as I shoved my toiletries in my bag.

‘Yes.’

‘Did that include the part about him cheating on me with his ex in our own home?’

‘What?’ she gasped.

‘No, I didn’t think he’d have mentioned
that,
’ I said angrily as I lay on my case trying to keep it shut as I tugged on the zip.

‘Mia, this is Gabe we’re talking about. I can’t believe it. Are you sure?’

‘Saw her there with my own two eyes, Mum. So, maybe after everything I’ve been through this last year, you can understand why I’m feeling so let down and don’t want to give him a second chance.’

‘O, Mia.’ She put her arms around me and I started crying again. ‘I’m so sorry. I’d never have thought that he could do this to you.’

‘Me neither,’ I sobbed.

We’d got back to Lexi’s early Saturday evening to find she was out. I’d quickly got showered and changed and took Tyler to 26 for dinner, with the intention of going upstairs for me to give him the tour.

‘Are you ok?’ he asked as we finished dessert.

‘Yes, why?’ I smiled over at him, thinking how handsome he looked in his jeans with a white shirt tucked in and a navy jacket.

‘You seem a little distracted.’

‘I’m sorry, just a lot of memories in this place.’ I gave him an apologetic smile. ‘I feel kind of guilty that we’re here, together.’

‘We’re not doing anything wrong, Mia. You’re separated and we’re … friends out having dinner, that’s all.’

‘I know,’ I nodded with a bite of my lip. ‘So, are you ready for what’s upstairs?’

‘I think so.’

‘You don’t need to be scared, no one bites, or offers anything more than a dance. And you’re very honoured, we have a really long waiting list for annual membership and even limit access on a pay per night basis, charging an extortionate entrance fee.’

‘I’d better get some more cash.’

‘You don’t need any, you’re with me.’

‘Wow, friendship with you really has its perks,’ he grinned.

‘It does and dinner is on me, you paid last time and you’ve had the expense of the trip up here and the hotel.’

‘That’s unnecessary.’

‘I know,’ I smiled. We left and I asked our host to charge my personal account and we headed up to the entrance of Greyson’s.

‘Mrs. Austin,’ nodded Jackson. I forced a smile. I cringed as I heard that name roll off his lips, but I couldn’t face telling the staff yet.

‘Jackson. Are we busy tonight?’

‘When are we not busy?’ he replied and flicked his head at the waiting line who were giving Tyler and I the evil eye for walking past them. ‘Owner,’ boomed Jackson as he opened the door for me. I giggled and grabbed Tyler’s hand and led him in.

‘God Mia, it’s impressive,’ he uttered as he looked around at the view, the main stage, the booths and the bar.

‘Thank you. I wanted classy elegance with sexiness thrown in.’

‘It’s got that,’ he laughed.

‘Would you like a private dance?’

‘From you?’ he looked at me amazed.

‘I think that may be kind of weird, how about I get Cindy, she’s my number two here.’

‘Sure, but I don’t see why it would be weird, it’s not like I haven’t seen you in a bikini when we went swimming,’ he reminded me. I frowned as I looked at him. He was right. I only stopped dancing for Gabe. We weren’t a couple anymore, why shouldn’t I start again?

‘Ok, you’re on. Follow me.’

‘Seriously?’ he gasped as I tugged him down to the hostess station to check availability of one of the rooms.

‘Number six is free, Mrs. Austin,’ Jill advised. ‘Any preference on performers? Shey or Max are free at the moment.’

‘Actually, it will be me.’

‘O, right,’ she looked at me surprised.

‘It’s a one off for now, for a friend and I’d appreciate your discretion and two bottles of water to be delivered.’

‘Of course, Mrs. Austin,’ she flushed. I smiled and led Tyler to room six and settled him in.

‘I don’t need two bottles of water,’ he smiled.

‘O, I think you will,’ I giggled. ‘Trust me, you’ll be feeling hot. Give me a few minutes to get changed and I’ll be back.’ I headed over to the dressing room and looked at my wardrobe, trying to find something not too revealing. I settled on my black heels, a pair of small black spandex booty shorts and a black, non-see through bra, then a black body con dress with a full zip down the front, short enough for me to move in until I needed to strip. I dressed up and took a deep breath. Was I really going to do this? Undress and dance sexually, one on one, with another man? I thought how disapproving Gabe would be, then thought of him having had his hands all over Chelsea and it made my mind up for me. I marched straight over to the room with determination. Tyler was already sitting back with one ankle up on his knee, drinking from his bottle of water as I walked in and closed the door. He raised both eyebrows as he scanned the dress.

‘I may need more than two bottles of water,’ he choked.

‘Remember, classy establishment, no touching,’ I warned with a smile as I selected two songs. I picked “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone” as my pole track and Marilyn Manson’s version of “Tainted Love” for the lap dance. I tried to forget that Tyler was there as I started my pole routine, but I couldn’t. Every time I looked his way I could read his face, he was aroused, not just by the dance, by me. Even worse than that, so was I. With his blond hair, blue eyes and build he reminded me so much of Gabe. I moved my hips as I slowly undid the zip and shrugged off the dress and he sat forward covering his mouth and trying to hide an obvious erection.

There’s nothing wrong with finding another man attractive and getting turned on, Mia,
I reminded myself. I was effectively single. So was Tyler. We got on great, enjoyed each other’s company. If it led to something, so what? All I’d be doing was exactly what Gabe had done to me. The track changed and I walked over to Tyler and gently pushed him back in the seat and started to dance, so close to him that I could feel the heat of his breath on my skin, like a gentle caress. I could hear the quickness of his breathing, and mine too. I pushed his knees together and straddled his lap as I swayed, tantalisingly close to him as his bright blue eyes clouded over with a raw sexual desire, the depths of which I’d not seen in them before.

‘Mia?’ he whispered in a husky tone.

‘Yes,’ I replied breathlessly.

‘I can’t do this friends thing anymore, I want more, I want you,’ he nodded. I sank down, my backside on his knees and he tentatively put his hands on my hips. I drew a quick breath, my chest heaving as we looked at each other. I was in trouble, I knew I was in trouble. The way he was
looking
at me. I slowly lifted my hands, pushed my fingers into his hair and leaned in and kissed him. One of his hands immediately clamped down on the small of my back and the other moved to clasp the back of my head in a dominant way as he kissed me back, but I froze. It reminded me that
my
dominant Gabe did that, he took control sexually.
Gabe
. What the hell was I thinking? Was I doing this as some way of getting back at him? Or was I trying to make myself feel better by using Tyler? Either option didn’t sit comfortably with me at all. I suddenly pulled away and covered my mouth as I looked at Tyler horrified, and tears pricked my eyes. ‘Mia?’ he looked at me confused.

‘I … I need a minute … I’m
so
sorry,’ I gasped and scrambled up and rushed out of the room. I locked myself in the toilets and started to cry. What was wrong with me? I was single, I was attracted to Tyler, he was to me, there was nothing wrong with what I’d just done, but then why did I feel so damn guilty? Gabe had done this and worse to me, but it felt wrong,
so wrong
. I quickly wiped my tears away and shook myself down and headed back to the room. I quietly closed the door to see Tyler was pacing in front of the window with my dress in his hands. He looked up as I leaned back on the wall.

‘Mia, I’m so sorry.’

‘No, please don’t apologise. I kissed you first. I just … I suddenly felt so guilty. I mean, I’m still ….’ I huffed out and lifted my left hand. I was still wearing my three rings.

‘You have
nothing
to feel guilty about, Mia,’ he frowned as he strode over. He stood in front of me and I put my forehead and palms on his firm chest. ‘You’re separated, you’re lonely, we’re attracted to each other, we’ve done nothing wrong. Tell me what you want. You want to go back to just friends? Friends with benefits? To date?’

‘I’m not sure we can be friends anymore Tyler, not when we have this chemistry, and I’m not the friends with benefits kind of girl. That’s how I ended up here, in this mess.’

‘So we either go our separate ways, or we try dating,’ he advised. I looked up at him and bit my lip.

‘I can’t date you, Tyler, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to you either,’ I whispered. I’d had too much loss in my life, and over the last two weeks he’d made me feel safe, given me something to look forward to. ‘I’m still in love with Gabe, I know you probably don’t understand that after what he’s done to me … I’m so sorry, I feel like I’ve led you on.’

‘Don’t. Don’t apologise, Mia. I knew all along. Deep down I knew that you weren’t over him. I mean, it’s so soon, and like you say, you’re still wearing your rings,’ he shook his head as he sighed. ‘Even when you say it’s over, it’s obvious it’s not, I just didn’t want to believe it.’

‘I wanted to be over him, I was so angry at how he treated me,’ I uttered as I wiped my eyes. ‘I promise, I didn’t mean to lead you on.
Please
believe me. I really care about you and you’ve been so amazing with me.’ I sniffed as tears began to roll down my face. I hated myself. I hated that I’d done this to a genuinely sweet guy.

‘Mia, please don’t cry,’ Tyler uttered and turned to wipe my tears. ‘You never led me on, until you just kissed me you never gave me any indication that we were going to be anything more than friends. This is all my fault. I wanted more, I’m falling in love with you and I couldn’t stay away.’

‘I don’t deserve your love, I don’t deserve anyone, I’m toxic,’ I whispered as he clasped my face.

‘No, you’re not toxic, and yes, you do deserve someone. You were worth the gamble, Mia.’

‘You don’t hate me?’

‘I could never hate you. Sure it’s going to take me some time to get over you, but I’ll never hate you.’

‘You’re going to make someone an amazing husband one day, Tyler Jackson. I think I could really have fallen in love with you, but Gabe still owns all of my heart, in spite of everything.’

‘You really think that we could have made this work?’ he asked quietly as he studied my face.

‘I know we could have, but I fell in love with him first and until he’s out of my system I need to be by myself. I need to focus on me. You know I’ve only slept with Gabe? I’ve had so many boyfriends, one after another because I was scared of being alone. I think I just wanted to feel safe and loved, but at the same time I was terrified of it. I know you probably think the worst of Gabe because that’s all I’ve told you, but he opened my heart, he made me love for the first time, he showed me what it was to be loved … he’s done so much for me over the years, he’s
such
a good man … he
was
such a good man before …’ I choked another sob at the thought of him with Chelsea, and Tyler quickly pulled me into his arms.

‘I believe you. Any man who won the heart of Mia Page, the renowned Ice Queen of Toddlesworth, had to have some redeeming features,’ he whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

‘The “Ice Queen of Toddlesworth?”’ I uttered as I struggled out of his grasp.

‘It was common knowledge that you wouldn’t sleep with any of the guys you were with, I think that’s what made you all the more desirable to them. Hoping they’d be the one to thaw you.’