Innocence (34 page)

She debated whether to express but really wanted to get to her daughter. She looked around her room and saw her dress hung on the back of the chair. She stood and moved around the bed to get the dress and put it on before the nurse or porter arrived. Then she wondered if she should remain in her nightie and wear her dressing gown over the top.

Sophie was aware it would be very difficult for her to see her daughter wired up to machines and to listen to the sound of beeps, but she knew it was to help Kacey progress into a healthy bouncing, driving mum crazy, little girl.

She had spent much time thinking about Sabastian and compared to Kacey he had been simple. Yes, there had been major complications, but she was sure that was down to her age, and the fact the doctor said she was too young
.
She agreed. Yes, she was too young, but what she had done by giving him up for adoption had been the best solution. She had lived with that guilt for the past nine years and no doubt would continue for the rest of her life and she couldn’t and wouldn’t do that.

Sophie had enough to contend with, and when she was introduced to the adopted parents, Caroline, now thirty-seven and Mike just celebrated his thirty-ninth. They both have great jobs and a fabulous home. Sophie had made sure everything had been put in place, meeting the couple and building a strong bond with them. She was thrilled her child would live a wonderful, well looked after life. However, she still needed to try and tell Calvin the truth about Sabastian and determined she would.

Sophie wasn’t looking forward to losing Calvin later today for London, but she understood he still had a business to run and he had already stayed away too long due to staying by her side, which she greatly appreciated.

Her head hurt with all the thoughts racing around her head. She wished there wasn’t so much to think about, her health, Kacey, a house, money, and Calvin…and almost forgetting the situation with her parents. She had no idea where her relationship with her parents was going and to be honest, right now, she didn’t care.

The sound of the door opened as she tried to reach for her dress. She heard a loud cough.

“What are you doing?” Calvin voiced.

She turned to look sheepishly at him. “I’m getting ready to go and see my daughter.”

“I can help you with that.”

“I didn’t know where you had gone,” she told him being honest.

“I was talking to the nurse. And you need to learn to be patient,” he said, edging toward the chair to recover the dress. “Wouldn’t you be better putting your robe over the top of your nightie?”

She gazed at him. “You think?”

“Yeah.”

She watched him move around the bed to get her robe in bright pink. Her mum had brought it to her.

“Did they say how long they would be?” she needed to ask, aware her boobs were tingling, and she fancied getting her hair washed.

“Not sure.”

“Do you think you could wash my hair? I feel crap and need a serious freshen up,” she stated.

“Sure, I am sure I could help you with that. Wouldn’t you rather wait for your mum?” Sophie glared at him and lifted her brows.

“Maybe not,” he said, adding a glorious smile that made his eyes shine.

She had no idea why she felt comfortable with him, whether it was due to her knowing him from years ago, or if it was because he had saved her from ending her life. She would be the first person to confess if there was a man to love, hold, and cherish forever, she would pick him. He was everything she had desired, gorgeous, cute personality, and seemed to put himself out for her, the fact her heart melted whenever he appeared didn’t help.

There were so many things she would have done differently if she had been aware how he felt all those years ago. But, then why on earth would a guy on the brink of getting his career even think twice about stopping and starting a family? The whole idea seemed bizarre, or would he have continued with his career and made sure she was settled and happy. Would their relationship have flourished or would it have fallen apart? All speculation and the past was in the past, nothing could change the decisions she made years ago. She took the right road, only unfortunately when returning home, or begging to be let back in the family home, her mum slammed the door in her face, and it was then, her life went into turmoil. It was then that bad decisions were made and she got desperate.

Calvin went to get a wheelchair. She climbed off the bed, her body was as stiff as anything, but she had to get herself moving. She waddled around to the left hand side of the bed to the cabinet and with great care got her shampoo and conditioner. She heard the door opening and Calvin was back with a wheelchair. He stood and held his hands on his hips, wagging his brows.

“What? I needed to get my stuff,” she told him trying not to grin.

“Of course you did. Get in the wheelchair and I will take you to the large bathroom.”

With great care, Calvin got the showerhead off the shower and she tipped her head back. He started pouring the water and as soon as his hands touched her forehead a bolt of pleasure rip through her body. Calvin was touching her. His hands were soft and delicate and she loved the fact he was so close and stroking her flesh. His hands gliding through her hair as the warm water cascaded down, water was going all over the place but she didn’t care an ounce. He was with her, patting her skin, making her feel desirable.

“There you go, how does that feel?” he said and with a towel started dampening her hair down.

“Bliss, so fresh and lovely,” she said when he took hold of her comb and started brushing her long locks. “Ah, that feels wonderful, you should become a nurse,” she mocked.

“I think I have already succeeded in that.” He chuckled back.

Calvin pushed her back to the room when a nurse arrived at the same time as a porter.

Anxiously, she could feel her stomach curdling, yet deeply excited to see her little girl. Her heart sang and danced. She took hold of Calvin’s hand, her knight in shining armour. They all made the trip to the other side of the hospital. She was shaking with nerves. She could not believe she was finally going to meet her little miracle.

She saw the large sign above the door,
Neonatal Unit.
She swallowed heavy, aware her daughter was even closer and for some reason her breasts started leaking. She looked down to her chest being thankful she was wearing a dressing gown, or people would notice her leakage.

The nurse came over to greet her and took over from the porter. She was pushed through a set of double doors were she washed her hands in sanitizer along with Calvin. Then she was wheeled through another set of double doors and she could hear the sound of machines beeping, lights flashing, and humming. She looked around and saw a few other mums sat next to incubators in large comfortable leather chairs, only Sophie feared she would be able to sit in such a chair.

Wheeled down the centre of the room, she was astonished by the amount of equipment needed for such a tiny person. It was incredible and, yet, terribly daunting.

“You okay?” Calvin asked her.

Bile filled her throat making her unable to answer Calvin. She was shaking frantically. Her heart skipped about inside her chest and her breath hitched.

It was then she was taken off course and arrived close beside an incubator and saw her daughter’s name on a pink card,
Kacey Richards
, her eyes filled with tears. She could not believe her little girl was in such a contraption and needed all these machines to keep her alive, it didn’t seem fair.

The wheelchair came to a stop and her foot plates were moved to the side. She wiped her eyes eager to stand and get a closer look at her daughter, even if she sensed the worst. She knew there would be weeks, if not months of her daughter being in here until she was strong enough to function without all the equipment that surrounded her.

Sophie took hold of the nurses’ hands who stood on either side of her wheelchair and with care they assisted her to stand on her feet. She stood and gazed into the incubator and saw her small little tiny bundle with tubes and wires all over the place. She pressed her hand against the plastic incubator. Her eyes filled and torrents of tears fell down her cheeks. She covered her mouth unable to take the pain of looking at her daughter hooked up too all the equipment, let alone see her tiny framed body, so small.

“You can touch her,” the nurse said.

Sophie turned to look at her confused.

“Let me,” she said.

Sophie stepped to the side while the nurse unhooked the catch and opened a small door on the side.

“Here just place your hand delicately on her chest so she knows it’s Mum.”

“How will she know?”

“Trust me she will and talk to her, voice recognition.”

Sophie moved her hand slowly inside the incubator and with great care, placed her hand gently on her daughter’s chest. “Hey there little one, it’s Mummy.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. She couldn’t believe she’d finally come into contact with her little miracle. She felt Calvin standing close behind her, just knowing he was there and sharing this moment made her heart complete.

Sophie was passed some tissues to wipe her eyes and nose. Yes, she had watched programmes’ on premature babies, and never understood the pure heartbreak of a family witnessing their child in such a condition. She tried to digest what she could see, unable to take the aching pain that took over her tummy.

She soon took her hand from the incubator and allowed the nurse to do her observations.

Her knees went weak and she needed to be seated.

She could feel a hand pressing on her shoulders for comfort, but there was nothing to take away the agony of seeing what she had.

Once she had calmed down. She stood and moved closer to the incubator and peered inside looking at her dark haired little girl, wearing a tiny nappy that buried her. Pads attached to her chest, wires coming out her foot, hand, the tubes in her nostrils, and her eyes covered due to the bright light.

“Is she okay?” she sobbed.

Calvin wrapped his arm around her shoulders for comfort while she wept into his chest, hearing his heart beating.

“She is doing very well, the light is being used due to her inability to produce red blood cells.” The nurse carried on explaining what was happening with her daughter and what wire was used for what, and where she was being assisted with feeding with tiny amounts of her milk.

“Bringing me to the magic medicine, we could do with some more if you have it?” the nurse said.

Sophie wiped away her tears and turned her head to look at her.

“Your milk.”

“Of course, gosh yes, I have a machine back on the ward,” she told her.

“Not to worry we have plenty here. Follow me,” she said. She glanced at Calvin wanting him to follow her.

They walked out of the unit, down a corridor, and arrived at a room with a name,
Feeding Room
.

“Now in here, I have already set everything up for you…steriliser, bottles, a fridge for you to keep your milk, bottle warmer, which at the moment we will be helping you with until she’s more stable. When you express if you could label and put the time and date and baby’s name we could be grateful and then put it on the shelf in the fridge we have labelled for you,” she said opening the fridge where Sophie saw a container with Kacey’s name on it.

“And here you can express, there is a curtain so you can express in private,” she said smiling. “Machines.”

“That’s the same as the one I’m using in my room,” she told her.

“Good keep it there until you are discharged and use this room when visiting. If you need any help with anything please just ask, we are here to support you as parents as well as your baby.”

“Thank you, thank you so much,” Sophie said when her heart wallowed from such kindness. “As I approached the ward my breasts started leaking.”

“Instincts, we call that. It’s the best medicine for your daughter. Well, if you’d like to express and then bring the magic potion in it lowers the chances of her getting infections.”

“Then let’s do it. I will do anything for her, anything,” she sobbed

“And makes you feel you are contributing to her health. The first express of milk will be the best medicine in the world, so what you get in the first few days will be crucial to your daughter’s health,” the nurse told her.

“I guess I had better get expressing.”

Sophie turned to Calvin, unsure if he wished to be with her while she expressed, aware of how embarrassing it could be for him to see her naked breast.

The nurse helped Sophie get the bottles ready.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Calvin stated and left the room

* * * *

He couldn’t stay and watch Sophie express, it wasn’t his place and he knew that.

Just to have watched Sophie sobbing made his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. He wanted to wrap his arm around her and hold her tight, just seeing Kacey’s little form and only moving a tiny fraction, while the hums, beeps and lights flash around her. Her tiny little eyes covered up due to the bright light providing heat to the incubator.