Authors: MK Harkins
Intentional (24 page)
I love watching Cade in action. I can feel my face blush and my body warm. Is it possible to be too good-looking? I decide no. I love the way he looks and moves. I really hope he decides to pursue a career in music. He is made for this stuff. Every time I see him and the band, they seem to keep getting better. They sing the cover songs better than the original bands, and Cade’s song writing ability is fantastic. He is a talented musician.
I’m enjoying the music when I hear, “This song is for Mattie.” He looks over at me and smiles. He actually turns his body around so he can see me clearly. Oh, I wasn’t expecting this! He starts singing the “Ho Hey” song. I love this song! As he starts to sing the lyrics, I’m beginning to understand why he picked this song. He is telling me something. I feel my breathing start to increase as I put my hand on my chest. I’m listening to the words, my heart is pounding, and I feel my eyes start to well with tears.
Cade is singing this beautiful song for me. He looks at me intensely as he sings, “I don’t think you’re right for him.” Oh, Cade. I have my hand over my mouth. He doesn’t sing the last line of the song. Instead he just says, “You’re my sweetheart.”
After Cade sings the last note, he pulls his guitar off quickly. I wonder where he’s going. He’s leaving the stage. Everyone is looking around, first at me, then at Cade. Is he taking a break? He’s walking over to me with purpose. Once he reaches me, he grabs me suddenly. There isn’t one second of hesitation.
I’m so shocked, I can’t speak. I want to ask him what’s going on, when he suddenly kisses me. Everything around me goes dark. All I can see or feel is Cade. He has one hand on the back of my head,
grasping my hair; the other is squeezing the back of my dress. He presses his full lips on mine. It feels so good! I move my arms around his neck and press in closer. I hear him moan and deepen the kiss. I can’t believe that we are totally making out in front of a room of people! I hear clapping, whistling, and a few catcalls, but they are distant noises. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything except for this kiss.
Suddenly, his lips are ripped from mine. I open my eyes to see a fist hitting Cade right in the face. I look over to see what in the world is going on. Who would hit Cade? I blink my eyes to make sure I’m not hallucinating. I sway and feel close to fainting. Standing in front of me, rubbing his hand, is Jeremy.
Saturday
Jeremy
This is my worst nightmare. Some asshole singer is trying to take Mattie away from me. No freaking way! I watch in horror as he sings a love song to Mattie. She looks like she’s going to cry. What the hell has been going on? I can’t believe my eyes. I have to do something. I have to stop this.
After he finishes his song, everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I watch in disbelief as he takes off his guitar and heads for Mattie. Mattie looks almost as surprised as I am. He grabs her suddenly and starts to kiss her.
I need to move to stop this—right now. I make my way across the dance floor. I hear people whooping and hollering. I look up at the band, and they’re all clapping and celebrating. I can’t move fast enough. They are still kissing by the time I make my way across the room. I am so unbelievably mad that I can’t control myself. I grab the guy by his T-shirt, pull my arm back, and let it rip. The guy falls to the
floor. Mattie looks up at me. She doesn’t look good. She looks at me like she’s seeing a ghost. I wonder,
Is that the way she thinks of me?
Another person enters the fray. It’s Sarah. Can this night get any worse or any weirder? I don’t even want to know why she’s here. All I know is that she is the cause of all of this. I look at her with hatred in my eyes. I hear Jimmy say, “Hey, there she is! She’s the one who bought the drugs from me.”
I look at Jimmy. “Not now. We’ll get this cleared up later.”
Sarah takes a step back. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. Is she joking? Is that gun real?
Saturday
Sarah
I watch the farce unfold. I am no longer able to control the anger that has been building inside me. Mattie has not one, but two, men fighting over her. Everything is coming back to me in a rush of memories. I hate her so much. She has taken everything from me. What do I have? Nothing! I don’t have a job because of her. I don’t have Jeremy because of her. I don’t have anyone or anything because of her! I’m so much better than Mattie. What do I have to do to make people see that?
The feelings of rage are taking over. I don’t want to stop them. I want to embrace the feelings so I can go through with what I really want. I want Mattie gone. Forever.
I pull out the gun that I have hidden in my purse. I have an idea. I shout to Mattie, “You have a choice: I’m going to kill either Jeremy or your little tattoo boy over here. You’d better choose one right now, or I’ll just shoot them both.”
I am moving the gun from Mattie to Jeremy to the tattoo guy, back and forth. I don’t want them to get any ideas about trying to grab the gun from me. Mattie is looking at me in shock. I’ve seen that expression on her face before—it was the last time I saw her, when she discovered Jeremy and me in bed.
Saturday
Mattie
Everything is moving at such a fast pace, my mind is having trouble taking it all in. Jeremy is here. Cade is hurt. Sarah is here. Is she with Jeremy? I’m looking back and forth between Sarah and Jeremy. He is looking at her with disgust. I wonder what happened. Some guy starts talking about drugs; Jeremy tells him to wait.
Oh, Jeremy. He’s looking at me like his heart is breaking. Why is he looking at me like that? I feel momentarily ashamed that he saw Cade and me kissing. I stop myself. I can kiss whomever I want! Jeremy slept with Sarah. He broke all his promises—I didn’t.
Sarah doesn’t look right. I start to ask her if she’s okay, when she pulls a gun from her purse. Is this really happening? She looks over at me with such hatred that I lose my breath for a moment. Where did that come from? Why is she looking at me like that?
She asks me a question. A question that I can’t fathom. She wants me to choose whom she’ll kill. My mind won’t accept this
reality as it’s laid before me. She can’t honestly believe that I’ll choose.
What’s happened to Sarah? Has she totally lost her mind? I look at her and shake my head no. She looks ready to pull the trigger. Will she really kill both of them?
I make the only decision I can. I’m going to tell her whom I choose. “Okay, okay. I’ve made a choice, Sarah.”
She gives me a sinister smile. “I thought you would. You’re too greedy to lose both of them.”
I answer her: “My choice is you, Sarah.” I can feel the hatred coming from every inch of her being.
She answers, “Wrong choice.” She lifts the gun, I hear a loud noise, and the world goes black.
Two Years Later
Mattie
I let the warm sunshine wash over me. I love sitting on our deck overlooking Lake Washington. We were so lucky to find this house on Mercer Island. The market here is tight, so to find such a beautiful home right on the water was beyond lucky.
My mind drifts back to the fateful day two years ago. I still can’t believe that it happened. Death. My eyes fill with tears. I have been going to counseling for the past two years to try to come to terms with all that’s happened. How does anyone ever recover from something like that? I remember going to the funerals in a daze. I was numb, in shock. All I remember are the tears, the sadness. My counselor, Cheryl, keeps telling me that none of it was my fault. A part of me knows that she’s right, but the other part feels tremendous guilt. Could I have done something different? Could I have stopped Sarah?
Cheryl has also tried to explain Sarah’s mental condition. She told me that Sarah would have focused her hatred on someone else if it hadn’t been me. Sarah had an undiagnosed severe personality disorder
and IED (intermittent explosive disorder). Even though she hid her illness well, I continue to question myself. How did I miss it?
I let the sun continue to warm my skin on this beautiful August day. Part of my healing process is to let the memories come and to deal with them. In the past, I always wanted to shut out unpleasant memories. Now I think about them, process them, and put them away. I have a wonderful life now. I have a lot to be thankful for.
I look over at Colton. He’s asleep on the chaise next to me. I can’t believe all that’s happened in the past two years. I can’t believe I have Colton. I lean over to kiss him. I push my hands through his curly blond hair. He is beautiful, and he is mine.
Saturday
Jeremy
The gun is real, and she’s pointing it at Mattie. I need to get that gun away from her, and now. Her eyes are skittish. She keeps looking around recklessly. I don’t want to spook her. I look down at Cade still sprawled out on the floor. He looks like he’s on the same page. He’s not moving. We give each other a brief nod, an acknowledgment. A few moments ago, I wanted to beat him to a pulp. Now, it looks like we are going to need to work together.
I hear Sarah ask Mattie to choose whom she’ll kill. My mind is having a hard time processing her question. I’ve known for a while that Sarah was imbalanced, but I didn’t know to what extent. I look over at Mattie. At first she looks panicked. I see her collect herself to answer. I hear her answer, and I shout, “Noooo!” Sarah lifts her gun and shoots Mattie, and all hell breaks loose.
Everything happens so quickly, I can barely keep up. After Sarah shoots Mattie, I see the bouncer, Jerry, try to take her down. She
sees what he’s trying to do, and she turns the gun on him. She gets off a shot as he tackles her to the ground.
People are screaming and running for the exits—it’s total chaos. Someone is shouting, “Call 911!” I hear a crashing sound behind me as tables and chairs are knocked over in the melee to flee the building. I don’t care about anything right now. I just need to get to Mattie.
Monday
Mattie
The doctors tell me I need to lie still. They tell me that I’m lucky because I have only a shoulder wound and a concussion from the fall. I don’t feel very lucky right now. They tell me I’ve been unconscious since Saturday. Saturday. No one will tell me anything. They keep telling me to wait. They say I have visitors, but they need to make sure I’m strong enough to see them. Why do I need to be strong? What are they going to tell me? Tears are streaking down my cheeks. Did I ruin everything? Did both Jeremy and Cade die? I can’t stand this waiting.
The first people who enter my hospital room are Dan and Nancy Bailey. They’ve come to give me the news. I pray for strength. The first thing they say to me is, “Mattie. Thank God you’re all right. We are so sorry, Mattie. We are so sorry for everything. We didn’t know she was so sick.”
I look up at them. “It’s not your fault. I was best friends with her for all those years. I didn’t see it either. I think I saw what I hoped
for, not what was actually real.” I can’t stand it any longer. “Can you tell me what happened?”
I see them look at each other. I can tell that this is going to be hard for them. Nancy clears her throat. “Honey, two people died on Saturday.”
My worst nightmare has come true. I’ve killed them. It’s because of me that they’re dead. I feel like my world is ending. I sit up in bed and shout, “
No
!”
I’m not ready for this. I’m not strong enough. I yell at them as I cover my ears. “I can’t hear it now! Please don’t tell me! I can’t do this now—please leave!” One of the nurses hears my screams and runs in. All of my monitors are beeping like mad. Dan and Nancy are crying, apologizing to me. They are ushered out of the room.
The nurse is patting my shoulder, telling me to calm down in a soothing voice. How can I possibly calm down? I am crying; I can’t stop. I see the nurse shoot something into my IV. My eyes start to feel heavy. I don’t want to sleep now. I want to cry for Jeremy and Cade. They deserve my tears—I did this to them.
I wake up to find that Nancy is holding my hand. My eyes widen. Am I ready for this? She looks at me cautiously. “I won’t say
anything if you’re not ready, honey.” I look over at her and nod. It feels good just to hold her hand. After a few minutes, I look back over. She’s crying softly. My mind is trying to grasp the incredible loss. Jeremy, my first love. I never got to say good-bye. I never stopped loving him—even after everything he did, even after all the heartache, I loved him to the end. I think next of Cade. Cade saved me; he made me realize that life was worth living again.
I nod to Nancy and say, “I don’t think I can ever get over losing both of them. They didn’t deserve this.”
She looks at me, confused. “Who do you think died?”
I blink. “Jeremy and Cade. Didn’t you say two people died?”
She takes a deep breath. “Oh, Mattie, dear, I’m so sorry. I should have just told you right away who died. It wasn’t Jeremy or Cade.”
I feel the breath whoosh out of me. My body starts shaking. The tears come again, this time out of relief. “Who?” I ask.
Nancy takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if you know the first person. His name was Jerry. He was the bouncer at the nightclub.” I remember Jerry. I feel a tug of guilt over the relief that it wasn’t
Jeremy or Cade. I don’t know anything about Jerry’s family. I still can’t believe this is happening.
I need to know the second person Sarah killed. “The other person?”
Nancy looks down at her hands. “It was Sarah. Sarah was the other person who died.” I’m shocked. The last thing I remembered was Sarah with the gun. Sarah died? I look back up at Nancy. “A man by the name of Jim Catlin was wrestling with her for the gun when it went off.” She whispers, “I am so sorry for everything she has done.”
Relief courses through me, followed by crushing guilt. I am at a loss for how to deal with these feelings—I know they are going to stay with me for a long time.
