Jessie Belle: The Women of Merryton - Book One (17 page)

She
handed me her card. “In case you change your mind,” she said as she winked at
me.

“Blake,
do think that when we die we will still be together?” I asked as we drove to
pick up Maddie.

He
briefly glanced my way. His facial expression said he was perplexed by my
question. I’m sure he was. We rarely talked religion. Blake wasn’t sure he
believed in God, and he definitely didn’t believe in organized religion. He
didn’t care that I went to church, but he never came with me. I suppose it was
one more thing we didn’t have in common, except I wasn’t too sure about God anymore,
either.

“Why
are you asking that?”

I
told him about my tour earlier.

I
could see his eyebrows furrow as I spoke and my voice cracked. At least I
didn’t cry.

After
several moments of silence he reached over and took my hand. “If there is a God
and heaven or whatever it’s called, I don’t think it would be heaven for me
without you or Carter there.”

Okay,
that was worth some tears. A few trickled down my cheeks as I squeezed Blake’s
hand. “Do you ever think we’ll find happiness like the Mackenzies?”

With
no thought at all he replied, “Yes.” He let go of my hand and made the left
hand turn into the rundown apartment complex that held his daughter.

I
could tell how anxious he was to get her. He was practically out of his door
before he even turned off the car.

Me,
I sat for a moment and took a deep breath. This was becoming real. This wasn’t
just a sleepover. This was me becoming an active participant in someone else’s
life. This was me accepting a new title and role, a role I never thought I
would have — mother, yes; stepmother, no. I looked at the dilapidated apartment
building like the woman in the painting looked at the cold, unforgiving ocean.
Stepping out of the car meant I couldn’t look back. With Maddie, I knew I had
to be all in or all out. Every child deserves that. She also deserved for me to
work it out with her dad.

I
almost panicked for a moment. It was like there was a line drawn in the sand,
and there was no going back once I crossed it. I don’t know why it was all of a
sudden hitting me. Perhaps I had been comfortable with the fact that I would
try my hardest to make things work with Blake, but if it didn’t work out, we
could still walk away. We lived such separate lives that it would be easy.
Painful yes, but the mechanics would be easy. Maybe it was the wrong way to
look at the situation. I knew Blake didn’t. But now … now we were adding a
child into the mix.

Blake
stood outside the car and looked at me through the windshield. It was like he
knew what I was thinking. Our eyes connected, and his were asking me to join
him on this journey, to have courage to face what lay before us, and to not
look back. It was silly, but I thought about Maria running back to the convent,
only to be told she needed to go back and face her feelings for the captain; in
essence, to have courage. I knew if my mother were there she would basically
tell me the same thing. But she would have opened the car door for me already
and hauled me out to meet my husband.

I
took another deep breath.
What did I have to lose?
Looking behind me was
only causing me to be more miserable. I knew I had a lot to work on personally,
and Blake and I had a lot to work on as a couple, but he wanted to try and he
was trying. Without another thought I opened the door and jumped into the cold
water of the future. I wondered how many times I was going to need a life
preserver.

Blake
relaxed as soon as I met him. I think he was afraid I was turning back. He took
my hand and led us back up those rickety stairs in a rush. He did pause before
he knocked on the faded, peeling, brown door. He kissed me hard once and then,
without a second thought, he knocked.

This
time Sabrina answered the door. She was dressed more conservatively than last night,
in capris and an oversized, yellow t-shirt. She also looked more aware. While
her eyes were not bright, they weren’t glazed over, either.  

“Maddie
is at the park saying goodbye to her friends,” she said before we had a chance
to greet her.

“How
long will she be?” Blake asked.

“I
told her you would come and get her when you got here.”

Blake
raised his left eyebrow like “how dare you speak for me?” But she didn’t let it
bother her. She just went right on talking, like if she didn’t she wouldn’t be
able to say what she wanted to. “I was hoping I could speak to Jessie alone for
a while.”

Blake
looked down at me, and for some reason pulled me closer to him, like he was
trying to protect me.

I
looked from him to Sabrina. Her eyes pleaded with me to agree to speak to her.
I was torn. I didn’t really want to be alone with her and I was afraid of what
she wanted to talk to me about.

“Please,”
she begged.

I
nodded, just barely.

Blake
was not pleased. He stiffened and his hold on me became more pronounced. He
looked at Sabrina with cold eyes. “I won’t be gone long.” He kissed the side of
my head before asking Sabrina to point him in the direction of the park.

We
both watched him walk back down the stairs before we turned and looked at each
other nervously.

“Please,
come in,” she said.

I
did so, but not very willingly. Her apartment made me feel dirty, but I kept
telling myself it was only for a few minutes. I walked in to see two small,
worn and tattered suitcases sitting on the floor with Maddie’s brown teddy bear
sitting on top of them. Yes, this was getting real, very real.

I
was glad when she sat at the kitchen table—it looked less filthy than the
couch—but I still tried not to touch anything if I could help it. The wooden
chair wiggled some as I sat down. I tried to remain steady and prayed it
wouldn’t collapse under me.

Sabrina
almost seemed embarrassed, but she quickly got over it as she had a mission to
accomplish. She got right to business. “I’m sure you hate me.”

It
wasn’t how I would have started things, but I didn’t call this little meeting.
I looked her over and I couldn’t feel hate for her, pity maybe, but not hate.
“I don’t hate you, but I do wonder why it took you so long to tell Blake about
Maddie. Surely you’ve known for a while she was his.”

“Almost
from day one,” she admitted.

“Then
why?”

Her
features almost turned sinister as she stared at me. It was as if she hated me.
“I see the way Blake looks at you; it’s the same way he used to look at you
when we lived together at Montagne. I always wanted someone to look at me that
way. I’ve been with dozens of men, but never once has anyone looked at me like
that.”

“What
way is that?”

“Like
you are his world and you complete him,” she almost hissed. “I thought when he
came by that night to pick up his things you had left behind, that maybe he
could look at me the same way.”

“And
how did that work out for you?” That probably sounded cruel, but she was
bringing up things I had no desire to talk about, things that pained me.

She
almost threw herself back against her chair as she sneered at me. “Oh, he
looked at me like no one had ever before, but it was in disgust. I think he
almost cried he was so disgusted about what he had done. Then it wasn’t too
long before I received your wedding announcement. There I was in my second
trimester and you were getting married.”

She
said it in such a taunting way it was hard for me not to react poorly, but I
took a deep breath and honed in on my inner Maria. “Regardless, you should have
told Blake of the possibility. He deserved to know, and Maddie should have
known her father long before now.”

“Oh,
I tried to give her a father. I told Hal the baby was his and we got married,
but he ran off not too long after she was born. I think he knew all along
Maddie wasn’t his.”

“So
why do you want to talk to me?” I was more than ready to be done with this
conversation.

“Because
for the first time in my life, I’m going to do the right thing.”

I
swallowed hard. I knew instinctively what she was about to say was going to be
life changing.

“I’m
dying.” She said it so casually.

“You
don’t know that. People with stage four can live for years with the right
treatment. This experimental treatment could be exactly what you need.”

She
scoffed at me. “I’m done being poked and prodded and cut into. The cancer has
spread into my lymph nodes and I’m going to let it run its course.”

I
shook my head. “You have a daughter. You can’t give up like that.”

She
leaned forward and, for the first time, showed some true emotion. Her eyes
welled up and she looked directly at me. “No. Now you have a daughter.”

I
raised my eyebrows in surprise. I didn’t know what to say.

“You
and Blake can give her a better life than I can. She deserves the life you can
give her.”

“Blake
would make sure she is taken care of regardless of whether she’s with us or
you. You are her mother. She needs you, too.”

“I
have nothing to offer her or anyone else. She’ll be better off with you.”

“You
are her mother,” I repeated angrily.

“What
do you know about being a mother?”

“More
than you’ll ever know.”

She
stared at me coldly for a moment, then her head dropped in defeat. “Jessie,”
she pleaded, “take care of her like she was your own, and please don’t let her
think I didn’t love her.”

“I
would never do that.”

“I
know. That’s why you’re a better person than me.”

“It’s
not too late to change your mind about the treatments, about any of this.”

“I’m
done. I can die now in peace, knowing Maddie will be taken care of.”

Life
preserver anyone? I had no idea I would need one so quickly. As soon as I
thought it, Maddie and Blake came walking in.

Sabrina
quickly dabbed her eyes and stood up. I sat there stunned for a moment. I would
have rested my head on the table, but it was crusty and sticky. It looked like
it hadn’t been wiped off in who knows how long. I was trying to process what
had just taken place, but my brain and heart weren’t computing. Did this woman
really just hand over her daughter to me, to us?

“Jessica,”
Blake said, shaking me out of my swirling thoughts.

I
stood up and went quickly to him. I needed him.

Sabrina
had thankfully wrapped up Maddie in her arms and they were having their moment.

I
went to Blake and put my arms around him. He drew me to him and whispered
quietly in my ear, “What did she say to you?”

I
looked up into his worried eyes. I so badly wanted to tell him what had just
taken place, but it would have to wait until we were alone. I wasn’t sure when
that would be, but for now I settled for resting my head against his chest and
soaking him in for a brief moment. It didn’t last nearly long enough.

Sabrina
released Maddie and Blake kissed my head before letting me go.

I
stayed near him and immediately took up his hand. It was like touching him kept
me grounded. I looked at the mother-daughter pair, Sabrina with tears in her
eyes and Maddie bright-eyed and excited. She had no idea she was never coming
back. She had no idea this could be the last time she would see her mother. To
her it was like going to camp or on an adventure. She had no idea how all of
our lives were going to change.

I
kept waiting for Sabrina to change her mind, but like the woman in the
painting, she was determined. I had mixed feelings for her. On the one hand I
despised what she was doing. Her daughter didn’t deserve for her to give up and
give her away, but on the other hand I admired her. She was being selfless in a
sense.

Those
kind feelings went out the window when Randy came strolling in without knocking
and looked at us and then at Maddie. “You’re still here?” he said to her.

I
looked to Sabrina to say something to him, to let him know that was unwarranted
and she wouldn’t put up with it. Instead she left Maddie’s side and sort of
limped toward him.

I
could feel Blake tense next to me. I could tell he was thinking about whether
he should cause a scene.

He
didn’t need to. I took Maddie’s hand and I let Blake take her luggage.

“We
were just leaving,” I said to the sad pair. “Sabrina, you have our numbers,
call anytime you want to talk to Maddie and we’ll make sure she calls you.” I
glared at Randy, “Don’t ever talk to Maddie like that again.” I turned back to
Sabrina. “You could do so much better than him.”

They
both glared at me angrily and I could tell they wanted to push back, but I
noticed them both look at Blake. His look dared them to speak to me. They
thought better of it.

I
looked at Maddie, who stood a little taller in the face of Randy. “Are you
ready to go, honey?” I asked her. I felt protective of her; someone needed to
be.