Leave Me Breathless (21 page)

Mark shoved against Ben’s shoulder to get his attention. “I’m serious here. Whatever you did to fuck this up so bad with her, you need to fix it. But later.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I’m not giving you a choice.”

The despair overtook him. Ben hated himself for being so damned stupid. He wanted her. Missed her. Didn’t want to see anyone else and couldn’t imagine a life without her. When she talked about love and the future, he’d been too dumb or too scared to realize he’d already fallen for her. Admitting it made it real, and once it was real he could lose it all. He had anyway.

Call it by whatever name, the dull ache inside him wasn’t going away. Within a short time he met the one who could mean everything.

And now he had to tell her. To break through that blank stare and make her listen. He just hoped he hadn’t blown it by pushing her away emotionally one time too many.

“She left me, Mark.” Ben couldn’t believe how much it hurt to say it.

The stern frown left Mark’s face. “I figured, but damn, I’m sorry.”

“She said I was like you.”

Sadness fell over Mark’s eyes. “Man, don’t be like me.”

“Let me go to her then.”

Mark shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“It’s too late. She just left with one of my men.”

Emma heard her front door open. Since the alarm didn’t go off and the earlier call from Mark was to report that Scott was in jail, she didn’t panic. But she did get pissed off. She had laid down her requirements and Mark had walked out. Now he thought he could return to his old ways. Breeze in after a brush with danger and make love to her.

Every cell in her body wanted him to come in, hold her, give her those few moments of love before he gave in to the less permanent state of passion. She deserved better.

She wrapped her robe around her, holding it at her middle with one arm, and met him at the top of the steps.

“What are you doing here?” She asked in her most detached voice.

He glanced up. The light from the entry lit his tired face. “What do you think?”

“We’re not doing this again.” A sob rushed up on her from out of nowhere and caught in her throat. “I can’t do it.”

“You told me to make a decision.”

“And you did.”

“No, you assumed I did.”

Her heartbeat took off. “What are you saying?”

Without a word, he dropped two suitcases at the bottom of the staircase. Then he turned around and walked out of the house, leaving the front door wide open.

Cool air rushed in from the dark night, but she didn’t hear a sound. “Mark?”

He came back with two more suitcases and another bag thrown over his shoulder. Glancing up, his eyes met hers. With bags in his hands and weighing him down, he put his foot on the bottom step.

“What is this?” She dared to hope.

“Me moving in.”

“You’re telling, not asking?”

He climbed a few more steps. “Yes.”

Blood pounded through her. “I don’t remember inviting you.”

“Maybe not with your mouth, but you asked.” He stood a few stairs away now, dragging luggage behind him.

She closed her eyes in relief. Somehow, some way, he had read that signal. For years he missed every single one. This time, when it mattered and her will held firm, he came back. He was the one to concede.

“I don’t know what kind of man I’ll be to live with full time, or why you would want to find out, but I know one thing.” He dropped the bags in his hands and let them fall back down, thumping against each step as they went.

“What?” she asked, more than a little breathless.

“I want to figure it out with you.” He trailed his fingers down her cheek. “If you’ll have me.”

“You’re sure?”

“Not about much but about you, yes.” His gaze never left her face. “Still love me?”

Emma smiled through tears. “Always.”

He smiled right back. “Good.”

“W
hat do you want?” Callie asked the question from the doorway of his office. She didn’t come in. Didn’t close the door. Just stood there fuming in her proper navy pantsuit.

Three days had passed. After the time apart, Ben was so damn happy to see her that he didn’t even care about the off-the-charts attitude.

Relief spread through him. Safe and in one piece just as Mark promised.

Ben lowered his pen to the desk to keep from snapping it in two. With a wave of his fingers he motioned for her. “Come in.”

She didn’t move.

“Problem?” he asked, half worried that she’d give him a list.

“I don’t appreciate being summoned to your office.”

“I left a voice mail.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “You told me to come or you’d hunt me down.”

“That might have been unnecessarily dramatic.” Inside he knew the vow rung true. He would find her and make her listen. Drive anywhere and say anything to get her back.

“Sounds like your typical jackassery to me.”

He never thought he’d miss her name-calling, but he had. As sure as he’d missed the floral scent of her perfume and the soft touch of her skin against his, he missed that mouth and all she could do with it. That included both her bedroom skills and her sharp wit.

She pushed him, challenged him. Even through the bickering and fighting, being near her made his day brighter. The dark hours of the past few nights had taught him that. He finally had a name for the feeling—love. Took him a long time and a lot of hurt to get there, but he made it. He loved her and wanted to keep loving her, starting right now.

He pointed at the seat on the other side of his desk. “This would be easier if you came into my office and sat down.”

Her hands didn’t even twitch. “In case you’re not clear, I don’t work for you anymore.”

“According to you, you never did.”

“True.”

They finally agreed on something. At this rate, he might have found the only thing. “So, then…?”

“My point is that the days of following your endless orders are over.”

“What did I order you to do exactly?” He searched his mind for one instance of bossing her around and came up blank.

Her snorting and rolling her eyes? Interesting to see that she still excelled at those skills. He was smart enough not to reciprocate. She’d likely have kicked him in the balls if he tried.

After a few seconds, she glanced around the room. Her stare settled on her desk, which still sat next to his. Elaine had tried to move it out. He refused. Holding on to some part of Callie was imperative until he could hold all of her. Ben didn’t tell Elaine that, but he sensed the older woman understood the issue.

“I didn’t come here today so you could stare at me with that stupid look on your face,” Callie said.

She had him wishing for a mirror. “Didn’t realize I was doing anything strange.”

“Yeah, well, you are.” She sighed in a way dramatic enough to make the Hollywood crowd jealous. “So, spill it. What’s the emergency?”

“I’d like to talk to you in a civilized manner.”

She dropped her head to the side. “Back to using your big words, I see.”

“Your preference is that we scream across the office at each other?”

“I’d rather go home.”

“And do what?”

Her eyes narrowed into nasty little slits. “Is that your way of asking if I found a job?”

“Did you?”

Her chin lifted. “Yes.”

He was happy for her as long as the job was in the D.C. metro area. If he had to move to get to her, he would. But, damn, he wanted her right where she was. Scratch that. He wanted her with him and he didn’t care where that happened so long as it happened soon.

“Where?” he asked.

“Where what?”

“The job.”

She dropped her hands as her attitude kicked up. “As much as I enjoy mindless chatter, and I don’t in case that’s not clear, I’d rather you just say what you have to say so I can go.”

The idea of her leaving broke something inside him. To stall the inevitable he said the first thing that popped into his mind. “Mark gave you a job.”

“If you knew, why’d you ask?” She frowned as she spit out the question.

“It was a guess.”

“Once again your big brain fed you the right answer.”

A harsh chuckle escaped his mouth before he could stop it. “Snotty as ever.”

“Good-bye, Ben.” She turned around and headed for the door.

Desperate to stop her, he stood up and launched into the one thing sure to get her to stay. The door was open. There were lawyers in the hallway. There would never be a less private or less appropriate time, but he was running out of options.

“It was a murder-suicide.”

She froze in place with her back to him.

“You want to know the details, right? That’s what this is about. Sharing.” When she didn’t answer, he kept going. He figured if he talked she couldn’t leave. “My father had been fooling around with Emma’s mother for months. Maybe longer, I don’t really know. At one time that fact mattered, but it doesn’t now.”

He saw Callie’s shoulders relax. Maybe she had locked her heart off to him, but that didn’t stop her from being nosy. Now that he finally offered her the information she’d been seeking, she listened.

“Emma remembers when her mom started to leave during the afternoons. She’d go out, make some excuse, and then come home hours later. Since my father worked all the time, I never noticed the change in pattern.” Ben hated that part. The idea that their collective lives ran uncontrolled to this terrifying point in time while he played sports and argued about eating fish. He’d always hated fish.

Callie shifted until Ben could see the side of her face.

He decided not to squander this opportunity. No matter how much the words hurt, he’d say them. Relive each moment as if it unfolded in his mind and somehow stay on his feet as the memories battered him. “One Saturday while my father was supposed to be working on some random work project, Mom took us to soccer practice. She forgot something, which she never did. She was anal to the point of obsession. The car didn’t move into reverse until she ran through her mental checklist several times.”

“What was so important?”

My fault
. The words from his childhood bounced around in his mind.
My fault
.

“My extra shirt. She always brought a change of clothing for after the games and practices. Thought it was unsanitary to run around and then go ride in a car to dinner without changing.”

Callie turned the whole way around until she stood facing him, her sad eyes growing darker by the second.

If she tried to comfort him now he’d never make it through this. The voice in his head screamed at him to get it all out. “With us being watched by coaches and other parents, she ran back home. The expected hours away from the house watching us run around and then getting us dinner turned into minutes.”

Callie took a few steps into the room. “You don’t have to say anything else.”

“Yeah, I do.” He inhaled, fighting off the anxiety that welled up when he thought about that day. That soccer practice. If she had just stayed on the bleachers with the other moms.

At some point she may have found out about the affair, but it might not have happened in her own bed, right in front of her like some sick punishment. They could all still be alive.

“The rest is speculation,” he said. “It’s pretty clear she drove up, saw my father’s car, and went in. Neighbors heard the shots.”

Callie’s tough-gal face fell. “Ben…”

“My dad was a former military man. Kept a gun in the house for protection and taught us all how to use it. That it wasn’t a toy and should be respected. How’s that for the ultimate irony?” In an act meant to teach responsibility, his father handed his mother the knowledge to end everything.

“Ben, I’m so sorry.”

“Moving in with our grandparents, changing schools and names—that all came later. A bunch of mental health people suggested we erase our parents from our lives and move on.”

“Did you?”

“Mark is sick in love with Emma and can’t figure out how to spend three days in a row with her before he has to bolt.” Ben shook his head. “Yeah, it sticks with you. Molds and ruins everything it touches.”

“What about you?”

“I thought I came through it without any visible scars.” He came around to stand at the front of his desk. He needed her to bridge the remaining gap between them.

“Now?”

“I was wrong.”

She walked across his carpet and came to a stop two feet away. “How?”

With one sweep of his arm, he could hold her as he’d been dreaming about for days. To keep from acting on the impulse, he grabbed the edge of the desk behind him. “It never dawned on me I had an issue. I love women. Dated and had fun. Sure, I moved on but the breakups were mostly mutual.”

“I’m guessing you came to your senses at some point?” she asked.

For the first time in days she hoped. The sensation built, block upon block. He needed to unburden and let her in. If he could give her something, then maybe this wasn’t a fluke or an ego thing.

“I was running.”

“From?”

“Commitment, risk.” He took her hand then. Lifted it to his mouth for a quick kiss. “If I didn’t get entangled, if I convinced myself I just hadn’t found the right woman yet, life made sense. I could look at Mark’s life with a reserved superiority, knowing that I had gotten through the madness that still held him.”

The barrier she set up around her heart cracked. The promise she made to hate him forever fell away. “This is deeper than being afraid of commitment, which is lame, by the way.”

He nodded. “Thanks for the support.”

“You didn’t break up, you escaped. Anything meaningful threatened your comfortable solitude, including me. Rather than take any risk or go back to being insecure, you destroyed and moved on.”

His life appeared so solid and stable on the outside. She now saw the crumbling. Never was there a man more in need of love. Her heart sat right there ready to give it if he would only reach out and take it.

“Yes.”

“Sounds kind of empty,” she pointed out, hoping he would agree.

“I didn’t think so at the time.”

Emotionally, he kept walking backward. She bent her head so he wouldn’t see the disappointment and longing. “Okay.”

He tipped her chin up. “Until you.”

A rush of relief fizzled as soon as it came. What if this was part of the protectiveness, of not wanting to be the bad guy or hurt anyone? That was a cycle she refused to join. “Oh, Ben. You never let me in. We had great sex and fun conversation. The intimacy level never passed what you could get from a friend with benefits.”

His thumb slid over her lips. “I don’t want one of those.”

She searched her eyes. “What do you want? Do you even know?”

“You.”

A gulp of need hung in her throat. She wanted so badly to surrender. But the man was good at words, brilliant at winning arguments. She couldn’t stand to be one more fight, a trophy, and nothing more.

She stepped back, trying to get a little space and keep her perspective. Being so close to him and to everything she wanted was a seductive lure. “Ben, I can’t be the plaything or office sex toy. I mean, I could for a few months. It’d be fun, but I deserve more.”

“I never asked for that.”

“That’s the point. You didn’t ask for anything. You gave even less.”

He gulped in air. When she tried to explain, he nodded. “That’s okay. I deserved that.”

“The words aren’t meant as an insult. Not really. But I need something else. Any woman worth having is going to demand more.”

“I get that now.”

“Probably not.”

His eyebrow lifted in question. “Excuse me?”

She had to smile at the timing. “There are those hoity words again.”

“Then let me try saying it another way.” He slipped his hands into hers. “I love you.”

He could have called her a chicken and left her less surprised. “What?”

He kissed her knuckles, smoothing her skin with his tongue. “I love you.”

She could feel him trying to convince her, willing her to give him another chance. With his hands and his eyes he made a promise. She couldn’t believe it, but she started to see it.

“It crept up on me and knocked me blind, but there it is. I didn’t want it, and fought every last drop of feeling, believe me.” He brought her in closer, and this time she didn’t fight it. “My brain insisted the feelings amounted to nothing more than a physical attraction. See, if it’s lust or sex you don’t have to worry about spilling your secrets, about baring it all.”

The crushing weight lifted off her chest. It was as if the past few days of torment and anguish hadn’t happened. Every dark nook and tiny crevice flooded with light.

“You love me?”

“Did you really not know that?”

She wanted to believe it, but no. Until he said the words, pleading and holding as if letting go of her would destroy him, she didn’t believe. “Ben, you’ve held on to every bit of information, forcing me to beg for scraps here and there. You’re only talking now because you need to.”

“Right.”

“You admit it?”

“I’ll tell you every last detail of my life. Share every minute of the pain that nearly crippled me, that turned Mark into an emotional pile of crap. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of. The man standing before you now is a huge turn from where he started.”

She pressed a hand against his heart. “The man I see seems pretty good to me.”

“I’m not perfect.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“But for you I’d try to be.” He took her face in his hands. “I will be.”

The power of his vow and strength of his commitment made her heart burst with happiness. “No one has ever offered to change for me before.”

“I do love you and will do anything to make you happy.”

His feelings hovered right there at the surface. He did love her. She saw it in every cell, every pore, and every muscle. He wasn’t hiding it or renaming it or being a clueless guy seaching for the right words. He opened his heart and let his emotions pour out and surround them.