Losing Control (23 page)

“What ruined everything for you, Jagger?”

Bianca felt like there was a piece of this missing. A big portion that he was talking around – something he didn’t want to admit to anyone because if he admitted it, it made it true.

“I seriously can’t fucking believe I’m going to tell you this.”

She rubbed his arm. “You don’t have to if it hurts too much, but you and I both know we’ve built this relationship on being honest with each other. I’ll not look at you differently if you don’t tell me, but I will be a little disappointed that you can’t be honest with me.”

That gutted him, seriously gutted him. She was right. They had built this whole relationship on being honest with each other. If he couldn’t tell her what had happened, then whom could he tell? At this point he had never uttered the words to another human being as it was. Maybe it would be the balm that his soul needed. Maybe then he could get over all his hang-ups and seek his sister out, make sure she was doing well and not under the thumb of the religious sect.

“The summer I turned 15, I was invited to do a camp with our church. It was a huge accomplishment, it really was something that I had worked very hard to get invited to. I had spent a large portion of that school year talking to the preacher and making sure that I was in good enough favor to be invited.” He took a deep breath.

Bianca slightly ran her nails along his strong forearm. She could tell that he was really struggling with this and she almost wanted to tell him to stop, but another part of her wondered if maybe he needed to get it out. Maybe that’s why it was so hard for him to talk about it.

“I went and it was amazing. I knew with everything that I had that God was calling me to preach, he had so many good things in store for me. I knew that I was going to make my family—both immediate and church—so proud.”

“What happened?” she asked, wanting him to get it out. Her stomach was rolling, wondering just what he would have a hard time telling her, this man who was always so strong.

“A couple of days before the end of the camp, I was called to the head counselor’s office. It wasn’t unusual for kids to be called there and for things to be discussed. So I went in, didn’t think anything about it just being the two of us. You have to understand,” he continued. “This was someone that I looked up to, someone that I wanted to be like. This person…he was who I modeled myself after, who I wanted to make proud.” His voice became strangled and she got a horrible feeling.

“Jagger, baby, if you don’t want to talk about this, it’s okay…”

He cut her off. “No, I need to tell someone this. I really do.”

She watched as he took a moment, rubbing his free hand over his face and struggling for the next breath. Bianca hated this, someone had hurt him.

“So I go in there, and we’re talking about me going to a seminary college when I’ve graduated. At that point, I was so set in what I was going to do that I had begun taking advanced classes. I was pretty far ahead in high school—I was looking to go into college before I even turned eighteen.” His voice dropped a couple of octaves, and she watched as his blue eyes took on a faraway look. “To this day, I don’t even know how it happened. One minute I was talking to this man who was my inspiration to be everything that I ever wanted to be. The next minute he had me pressed up against a wall and was trying to kiss me and sticking his hand down my pants.”

Bianca gasped, her hand flying over her mouth. “What?” Of everything she had thought he might tell her—
this
wasn’t it, at all.

“Yeah,” he choked. “I didn’t know what to do for a split second, but even though back then I was ‘Godly’, I still had my fuckin’ temper. I knew about sex too, I wasn’t a virgin. Even at that age, I knew what it was to like women and to like to fuck them. Unlike some of the people in our sect, I didn’t see sex as a sin. I liked it, and I felt like as long as I liked it, then it was fine. This man trying to make this dirty, it pissed me off.”

She could just imagine. He was such a puzzle, this man that she loved. “Did you kill him?” she asked, almost positive that was what the next line in his story would be.

He tightened his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. “No. That’s not to say I didn’t want to. I was so ready to, but a girl that I knew came storming in right as I had him on the ground just beating the shit out of him. She knew looking at the two of us what happened. Turns out, he had gotten her pregnant.”

“How old was she?” Bianca asked.

“Fourteen.” His voice was flat. “Can you believe that? These people that I had looked up to were nothing but monsters and pedophiles.”

“Did you tell your parents?”

Another bark of a laugh. “Sure did. My parents asked me what I did to encourage the devil.”

“Seriously?” That made her mad for him.

“Yeah. Seriously.” He breathed deeply. “I lost my faith that day—not only in God, but in humanity. I’ve not been able to get it completely back since.”

She had a sneaking suspicion that it still bothered him, the things that he did as a member of this club. “Do the things that you do make you feel like a bad person?”

“I feel remorse, I really do. I struggle with the things I’m asked to do a lot of the time, but I love this family. I love that they’ve taken me in. I don’t feel like I’m forced to do things, but every once in a while I do have to drop to my knees and ask God for forgiveness. I still ask for forgiveness for leaving my sister. Out of everything that I’m sorry about, that’s the thing that bothers me most.”

“If you want, I can try to help you find her,” she offered softly.

He inhaled deeply, burying his mouth in her neck, pulling her tighter into his embrace. “You,” he started and then stopped, swallowing hard, “are the one thing in my life since all this happened that makes me believe in my faith again. You,” he ran his hands through her hair, cupping her face and kissing her softly on the lips, “are the closest I’ve come to God in a long time.”

She inhaled just as deeply. That was a lot of power to give someone, but she would take that on for him. She would do anything he asked her to. “Me too,” she told him, hugging his body closely to hers. They were both raw, but she had to tell him one thing before they sank into sleep.

“Jagger?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re still the hottest, most amazingly sexy specimen of a man I’ve ever seen,” she told him, running her hands up along his sides.

His breath hitched and he smiled, mischievousness glinting his eyes. “You’re not so bad yourself there, Hawks.”

She pinched his skin between her fingers and growled, laughing when he rolled them so that he stretched out on top of her, pushing her deep into the mattress.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too, and I do thank God for you—every day that you’re allowed to be in my life.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

P
lans were coming together for the Heaven Hill MC. Somehow they had to prove that Raymond Tucker and the Vojnik knew each other. After discussing it for hours, the decision was made to break into Raymond Tucker’s home and see what they could find. Everyone agreed that if there was something that would prove the connection Raymond would be cocky enough to have it at his home. It was obvious the way he went about things that he thought he was untouchable.

“I’m tellin’ you and Layne right now. Don’t get caught.” Liam pointed a finger at Jagger as he and Layne were getting their equipment together.

Jagger’s palms were sweaty. He wasn’t the type of person to do a B&E. He would do it though, just like he explained to Bianca the night before.

Bianca. What he wouldn’t give to still be lying in bed with her rather than preparing to do this. “This can’t come back on her,” he warned the group again.

“It’s not going to,” Tyler assured his friend. He clamped a hand on Jagger’s back. “I hate to do this, but we have got to the figure out the connection, and since it’s not staring us in the face, we’ve got to do something about it. We’ll keep her name out of this. I promise you that.”

Out of everyone in the group, Jagger did believe Tyler. The big man didn’t make it a point to lie to others. If he thought something was the truth, he straight up told you.

“I’m counting on it.”

Layne was all business as he put gloves on his hands and put a knitted cap over his hair. “How long do we have?”

Liam checked his watch and the man’s schedule that the group had managed to secure. “The two of you are going to have a fairly large window—almost an hour.”

“Do we have any idea what we’re looking for?” Jagger asked as he began suiting up the same way Layne had.

“I wish we did,” Tyler said.

Jagger noted the grimace that covered his VP’s face. This was not a coveted mission, he could tell that right now. “I better not get shot again,” he muttered as he put his boots on.

One by one, the men started to snicker.

“It’s not funny.”

“It is, kind of,” Layne smiled. “You’ve had some really bad luck lately. Better make sure you’ve got that vest on again.”

He beat against his chest, letting them hear the hollow sound of the vest secured there. “I’m not takin’ any motherfucking chances right now.”

“Y’all be safe,” Tyler told them as they hopped on their bikes and roared away.

Raymond Tucker’s neighborhood wasn’t what Jagger expected. Given the way the man threw around money and wore authority like a suit, Jagger figured he lived in a very affluent section of town. It surprised him as they turned into one that was decidedly middle class. The two of them parked further down the street and got off their bikes, walking towards the home they had figured out was the principal’s.

“This isn’t what I expected at all,” Layne mentioned as they strolled down the road.

“Me neither. This is such a middle-class neighborhood. There’s hardly anyone around because most people are at work. None of the houses are brick or two-story. If there are cars, they’re in garages. Something’s a bit off with this. I figured with the money he throws around, he lived in Olde Stone or something like that.”

“Maybe that’s the problem.” Layne lifted his shoulder up in a shrug. “Maybe if he didn’t throw his money around on strippers, he’d be able to live in a neighborhood like that. I wonder what else he’s hiding. Usually if you have an affinity for strippers and you’re obviously using your money all helter-skelter like that, you’ve got other skeletons in your closet.”

Jagger knew that the other man was right. There really was no telling what they were going to find. They approached the house that was Raymond’s and went around to the back door. Once there, Layne pulled a tool kit out from underneath the hooded sweatshirt he wore and they both pulled bandanas up around their faces. Gone were the cuts they normally wore—if anyone saw them, they just looked like two men who broke into houses all the time. Within seconds, Layne had unlocked the door and they were walking into the house.

“Is that what my tax money taught you?” Jagger joked as they closed the door and Layne put his tools back under his shirt.

“You can totally thank Uncle Sam for that. What I learned in the military was how to be a motherfucking awesome criminal.”