Losing Him (13 page)

I rubbed his head. “I love you, Jacob. Even if you don’t love me. Daddy just needs time to think about things. I’m not trying to make you mad at me.”

“I do love you, Daddy, but I love Mommy, too. She nice and people are mean to her all the time. I don’t want her to cry anymore. Can’t we just go back? Please take me back so I can hug her?” I’d never seen my child so serious before.

I thought long and hard about the situation that I was in. Things were so messed up. I had my parents on my back all the time about doing the right thing, but I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was.

Obviously, when she’d met me for the first time, she was running. Even though she should have told me who she was, I got why she thought she couldn’t. Then we jumped into a relationship, and I guess there was just no way for her to come clean. One thing I never doubted was her love for me. After all that we’d been through, I was starting to feel like an ass for pushing her away. She needed me and I kept walking away. It was ridiculous that she was still around, waiting for me, when I honestly wanted nothing to do with her.

It wasn’t my fault that I hated liars. From all of the secrets that had been kept from me, it wasn’t my fault. I’d come to learn that my whole childhood had been based on lies. My parents weren’t the people that made me. My father was a criminal, who may or may not have killed my mother. Heather being involved in all that was too much to handle.

Maybe I went off the deep end.

The woman that I fell in love with, the one that was running, wasn’t a bad person. She’d been thrown around by someone that used her for years. Now, she was doing the same thing with me. She was waiting for me, still hoping that I would come around.

I felt sorry for her. Heather loved people that weren’t capable of loving her back. I wasn’t like those assholes. I was in love with Heather. She was a caring and devoted person, who stood by what she wanted. She stayed true to her feelings, no matter how much pain she went through. Her strength was her gift and she didn’t even know it.  It was both a good and a bad thing.

I had to stop being compulsive and hardheaded. There was a choice that needed to be made and I couldn’t just keep walking out when things got tough. It was affecting my son and I didn’t want him involved. He was too precious to both of us to be dragged into it all. I looked at his sad eyes. “I’ll tell you what. How about we get a room at a hotel for the night and in the morning we can head back to Mommy. I promise that I’ll listen to whatever she has to say. How does that sound?”

“Okay, but I still want to call her.” He added.

“We can still call her.” I promised.

Jacob stood up with his bag of chicken nuggets and walked to the back door of the car. “Let’s go!”

I followed him as if he was in charge.

A little while later, after I’d turned around, we stopped at a little motel and got a room for the night. Jacob had settled down as soon as he knew he was going back to his mother. I was still undecided on my feelings. It wasn’t like me to be so indecisive, but Heather had a way of making me crazy.

I wanted to do the right thing by my family, but it pissed me off that she couldn’t talk to me. Was it worth ripping apart our family? At first look, I thought yes, but after hearing Jacob, I was starting to think that I’d jumped the gun again.

I at least needed to hear her out. We could make a decision together and go from there. Of course, I already knew how Heather would feel. There was never a time where she’d asked me to leave. I had always been the one that walked away.

I needed to change and be a better person myself. It wasn’t just Heather that I was running away from. It was growing up and being responsible. Sure, I was a good dad, but I needed to learn to be a good partner. I needed to learn how to forgive and get over things, so we could all be happy together.

Chapter 17

Heather

I’d made it into my mother’s room before I lost all control over myself. Once again my heart had been shattered. Why was it so hard for me to be loved by someone? I would have done anything to make them happy and they still didn’t want me.

The things that I’d done had come back and bit me in the ass again. Unfortunately, I only had my self to blame. It was the bitter end of another relationship. My son would never have the happy family that he wanted. Instead, he’d be stuck in the middle of visitation rights. Knowing Jessie’s family, they’d push him for full custody and I’d have to lose more money by hiring a lawyer.

Without my mother, I had nobody to call and talk to. I was alone completely.

Devastated and out of options, I headed into the kitchen and found a bottle of  dark rum. It hadn’t been opened, but was covered in dust, appearing to be very old. Hoping that it was strong, I opened the bottle and started drinking. The burn reminded me of what I was trying to accomplish. I wanted to get drunk and forget about the pain, if only for a little while. My life was empty and my heart was full of sadness. I had nothing to be happy about. It was pointless to cry myself to sleep, because I’d just wake up alone.

About an hour later I was feeling better. The dizziness wasn’t that bad as I headed upstairs to my mother’s sewing room. I looked down at that box that held the dress my mother had made for me. I don’t know why I did it, but I started stripping down to my underwear.

The box wasn’t taped, so it came open easy. I spread it out and stepped into it, feeling the smooth fabric against my skin.  My body may have been numb, but I paid close attention to the way the dress felt. The detail was so beautiful. I ran my hands over the outside. Unable to fasten it in the back, I admired myself a little before heading back down to my mother’s room to get a better look in her full length mirror.

The bottle was half empty and I grabbed it, drinking another quarter all at once. The mirror behind my mother’s door let me see the whole dress. It was gorgeous and elegant. My mother must have spent a long time making it perfect. Every single detailed item was done by her hands. “Mom, I miss you so much. I can’t believe you’re gone. I don’t know what to do without you. How am I supposed to get through this?” I started crying, realizing that the alcohol could only numb the pain and the not the memory.

I dropped down the floor and watched myself crying in the mirror. I knew she couldn’t answer me, but I’d talked to her anyway, in a desperate attempt of having someone there for me. It was hopeless.

I’m not sure how long I sat there. Things became blurry quite fast. One minute I was crying on the floor and the next I was in my mother’s car driving down the road. Looking back, I knew it was a horrible thing to do, but nothing was making sense as I went through the motions.

There was only one place that I needed to be; one place to get things off of my chest. I wanted to scream and yell until the pain and anguish subsided.

The Mitchell Farm was dark as I pulled onto the dirt lane. I managed to turn off my headlights halfway up it. I stopped in the middle, leaving the car running, while I climbed out and started walking in bare feet. The gravel didn’t hurt my feet since I couldn’t feel them to begin with. My skin may have been numb, but nothing else was. Pain, loss, frustration, resentment, all overwhelmed me.

I needed someone to hear me. I wanted them to listen.

Like every weekend when we were younger, I knew where to find Tyler Mitchell. I held onto the sides of my dress as I made my way to the barn. Tears ran down my face when I thought of being fueled by hate. I had nothing left to lose.

Jessie had not only driven away with my heart. He’d taken my son and left me to dwell in my own empty hole of a life. He probably wished I was dead, instead of my kind mother.

Why would he ever want to see me again? All I’d ever done was lie to him. I couldn’t blame him for hating me when I hated myself and who I’d become.

I never expected to walk into the barn and see them all sitting there staring back at me. The only one missing was Miranda as my eyes focused on the ones looking back at me.

I held up my hand and pointed at the target. “You! You did this to me!”

Ty looked around the room, and then back at Conner. He crossed his arms and smiled at me. “Get your drunk ass out of here. We aren’t kids anymore. If your life sucks it’s because you were a dumb whore. Nobody told you to do the things you did.”

His words hurt me, like a sheet of glass stabbing me in the heart. “It was all because of you. I wish I never loved you! You took away my happiness!”

Amy and Van got up and came close to me. Van tried to grab my arm, but I pulled away. “Heather, have you been drinking?”

“Did you drive here?” Amy asked.

I took another step forward and talked through my tears. I pointed to him again. He was still so handsome, even with the facial hair. I still remembered the way his skin smelled and what every inch of him looked like without clothes. “I gave you my heart and you threw it away. What did I ever do to deserve that?”

“You need to leave before you upset my wife again, Heather. I have nothing to say to you. I don’t owe you an explanation. You offered yourself to me. I never made you promises.”

I shook my head and frantically took another step toward him. “I have nothing! Everything I ever did was because I loved you! I wish I never knew you. I wish you never comforted me when we were kids. I wish you never kissed me in that closet. I hate you, Ty. You ruined my life! You destroyed me.”

Ty sighed and looked around the room. Van had her hand on my back and I saw him glance at her. “She’s right, you know.”

Ty looked at Van. “Don’t you dare get in on this. I don’t need you jumping on that crazy train. She’s not worth it.”

Amy got in front of me. She looked into my tear filled eyes. “I can take you home. You’re not in any shape to drive.”

I backed up. “I’m fine! I just wanted to talk. He needs to know that I’m a good person. Why doesn’t everyone hate him? He did this to me!” I motioned toward Ty.

He shook his head and started walking toward me. It caught me off guard. I took one step and tripped on my dress. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground and he was standing over me. Van and Amy were crouched down making sure that I was alright.

My eyes were on Ty’s and I watched him shake his head and reach out his hand. “Come on, get your ass up!”

My hand went into his before I could think about what I was doing. Once I was standing, he pulled me along, taking me into another part of the barn. We stopped for a moment, but only for him to tell everyone to leave us for a minute. I had no idea what he was going to do. Knowing Ty, he could have been taking me in there to cut off my head. He was furious.

We stopped and I shoved away from him. He ran his hands through his hair and paced around. “Why are you here, Heather? Where’s your boyfriend?”

“He took Jacob and left.”

Ty froze. He cocked his eyebrow. “What is your son’s name?”

“I didn’t name him, I swear. It was Jessie’s idea.”

“You couldn’t sway him toward something else? You had to steal my kids name?”

I crossed my arms. “It wasn’t like that!”

“Whatever! It doesn’t even fucking matter.” He let out an air filled laugh. “Look, I don’t know why you came here, but you’re not welcome. We’re not friends and you know why. My wife has been through enough tonight. I’m not going to let you upset her. Just let Amy take you home. Get your shit taken care of and move on. It’s the best thing for everyone.”

“You don’t get to tell me where I can live. Did you even know how I felt about you? Did you know that all I wanted to do was be with you? All the times that we were together, did you ever care about me at all? Did you consider that you were breaking my heart?”

“Jesus Christ! I can’t believe you’re doing this.” He paced around and kicked an old can. “You threw yourself at me. What was I supposed to do? It wasn’t like you asked for anything in return. You knew I was with other people.”

I put my head down, realizing how much of a fool I had been. “So you never even cared about me? Never?”

He finally sighed and I saw remorse come over his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing to you. I never considered your feelings. I know I was an asshole, but I’m not that guy. I haven’t been that guy in ten years, Heather. I have a wife and children that mean the world to me. You say you loved me, but you wanted to take them away. Did you think that if she left me I would come crawling to you? Did you even consider that I would have followed Miranda anywhere? Your plan wouldn’t have benefited you. I wouldn’t have run to you for comfort. I would have chased my wife. Damn, you just don’t get it.”

I got quiet and held my head low. “I do. I get it now. Of course it’s too late, but I get it. I lost everything. Are you happy? I have nothing. Make sure you tell your wife that. She got her wish. My life is empty.” I sank down to the dirty ground and began to cry.

Ty cleared his voice and sat down beside me. He touched the edge of my dress. “I’m sorry about your mother.”

“Save it! I don’t need your pity.”

“I was just being honest. I’m not the heartless jerk that you think I am. Yeah, I was an asshole when we were kids, but you were the one throwing yourself at me. Any guy would have jumped on that. You were hot and so damn persistent. It was hard to tell you no. When I had my accident and lost Van, you were the one who helped me. I should have considered your feelings. I did tell you my intentions, though. I never gave you false hope. You did that yourself.”

I played with my hands and continued to cry. “I thought you would change your mind.”

“Heather, I get it, okay. I fucked with your heart, but you went bat-shit crazy. You put lives in danger.” Ty acted like he’d done nothing wrong.

I felt it was necessary to defend my actions. “I put myself in danger to help Amy. I tried to redeem myself and to make your family see that I wasn’t the devil.”

He growled and walked around the old room. I watched him scrunch up his face, like it pained him to speak to me. “I can’t forgive you for what you did to Miranda. She didn’t deserve that. No matter how much you wanted me for yourself, she’s my wife. She was carrying my boys.”