Losing Him (20 page)

It was like a kick in the balls hearing her say that she didn’t want me. For the first time since knowing her, I felt what she had every time I walked away. “Heather, you’re wrong. I came..”

She put her hand up over my lips. “You came back because I was the mother of your son. I get it. I just…things have changed for me. I want to start over and have something that I can say is mine. This house is the only memory that I have of my mother. I can’t just walk away from that. Besides, I’m in the position to look for a new job here, in this town. The hospital is hiring and I’ve already put in an application a couple weeks ago. I have an interview this week.”

“What about Jacob?” My eyes were stinging and I couldn’t let her see me upset. She was ripping my heart to shreds as she talked about a bright new future without me in it.

“He still has school and I don’t want him to leave his friends. I figured that I could come visit on the weekends or maybe you two could come visit me. We can work out custody once I get settled and have a job.”

I couldn’t believe she was doing what she was doing. “Heather, I know you don’t want Jacob to be so far from you.”

She looked sad and held her head up to display tears falling down her face. “My mother told me that if I loved something I should let it go. Jessie, I will never know what your intentions are until I know for sure what I want. I love you so much. I think you know that. Being a family is something that I’ve always dreamed of. I just can’t do it and wonder how we got here. I can’t be with you when I feel like it’s out of pity.”

“It’s not! I swear.”

She turned away from me, leaving me begging for her to let me prove it.

An hour later, I was packing mine and Jacobs’s things up. I needed to be alone and obviously Heather needed the same thing.

It was too hard to explain things to Jacob, when I wasn’t sure what had happened. I thought we were so happy. All the time she’d been staying with me, she’d just been waiting for the right time to walk away. Maybe I had been a shitty boyfriend. Maybe I should have said that I loved her, but I didn’t. I let her walk away without a fight, because it was all I knew how to do.

Chapter 27

Heather

I’d gone and done it.

Jessie was gone.

He’d taken our son and walked away, like he should have a long time ago. Me getting hurt was only holding him back from what he really wanted. It wasn’t his responsibility to care for me and pay my way because he felt sorry for me. I wanted more than that. I wanted a man that loved me and wanted to be with me because I made him happy.

I was done being the weak girl that fell for the guy who could never love her.

It was time for me to be my own person.

I cried the whole first night. It wasn’t just because I’d be without Jacob for a while. There was a hole in my heart where my love for Jessie had been. I knew the only way to get through a tough time was to keep myself busy.

For the next three days I did everything I could to stay on task. I cleaned, I packed and then I repeated the process. Jessie called several times, but it was mostly so that I could talk to Jacob. He refused to tell him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He said I was being silly, but he would give me the time I needed to decided. The thing was, my whole reason for doing it was to know how he felt about me. I needed to know that his love for me was real.

When he refused to talk about feelings, I had my answer.

My interview went well and two days later I got a call back. I was excited but petrified. Accepting a job here, in my old town, was permanently saying goodbye to my life with Jessie. He ran a family business and moving was out of the question.

He showed up Friday night, just like he’d said he would. I was so happy to see him and Jacob that I almost backed out of my decision and begged them to take me home with them.  Since I couldn’t see Jacob every day, I spent as much time with him as I could Friday night, until he finally fell asleep. I hadn’t thought about how awkward it was going to be when I was alone with Jessie.

I walked out into the living room and found him sitting on the couch with his hands covering his face. When I sat down beside him, he looked over at me. His tired eyes looked so empty. I ran my hand through his thick hair. “You look tired.”

“I haven’t been sleeping. I guess I was used to you being there and now you’re not.”

I swallowed hard and looked down at my knees. “Jess, I need to do this. It’s the right thing. I can’t keep going back and forth with you. We’re wasting each other’s time. I want more than that, and for the first time in my life, I’m not going to wait around for it to happen.”
              “I get why you think you need to do this, but you never even considered my side of it all. Did you really think I’d ask you to move in with me if I didn’t really care about you?”

“Of course not! I know you do. You said it yourself though, love isn’t enough. I want more. I want the whole package.” I was almost embarrassed to admit that out loud. Jessie wasn’t the whole package kind of guy. He’d never once talked to me about marriage after he found out the truth. In fact, whenever I discussed it, he ran in the opposite direction.

“You’re making this all so much more difficult than it should be. You can’t expect me to just marry you because you’re ready. That’s crazy. Is that what all this is about? Is this some trick to get me to propose?”

I stood up and put my hands on my hips. “No! I want something real. Why would I play mind games? I know you don’t want the same things as me, that’s why I’m doing this. I’m giving you a get out of jail free card. You know it’s the right thing.”

He ran his hands through his hair and wouldn’t look at me. I was too tired to keep arguing, so I headed into my bedroom without saying anything else. I was done talking to Jessie about a future that was never going to happen for us. It was sad, but true and nothing I said or did was going to change him.

I cried myself to sleep that night, but Jessie never bothered me. I wasn’t even sure if he slept on the couch or in my mother’s bed, because when I woke up he was already in the kitchen.

I poured a cup of coffee and looked over at him. He looked worse than the day before. “Jess, are you alright?”

“Yeah, same shit different day.”

“I’m not doing this to be mean.” I felt bad.

“I get why you think you have to do this. I just don’t agree with it.” He grabbed his keys and started to walk away.

“Where are you going? I have to set up for the yard sale.”

“I’m sure you can manage. You’ve had all week. I’m going to go grab some breakfast and then I’m going to get a haircut, not that I have to tell you where I’m going anymore.” He walked out the door without looking back or waiting for me to reply. I could tell he was pissed. It was going to take time for him to be alright with being around me. I almost wished that he hated me. It would have been easier for the both of us to end things.

With Jessie being gone, I had to wake up Jacob and enlist him to help me out. He wasn’t too happy about having to help so I bribed him with ice-cream. Since I’d had time during the week, everything was already in the garage. It had all been priced and was organized. All we had to do was set it out on the folding tables that I’d found in the shed out back.

People started showing up and buying things before I was done getting everything out. Jacob loved taking the money and making change, with me helping him, of course.

By the time that Jessie pulled up out front, we’d already made one hundred bucks. Jacob pulled out the wad of cash and flashed it around. “Daddy, look what we made so far! We’re rich!”

Jessie didn’t know it, but I was planning on giving him everything he’d spent on me back. It wasn’t his job to pay my bills and take care of me. He’d saved up money and had to use it for my mother’s mortgage. Sure, it wasn’t much and I would be able to pay him back with a couple paychecks, but it was just the courteous thing to do.

Around ten in the morning, I saw Amy walking up the driveway. She had her oldest daughter with her and I knew her name started with a C but I couldn’t remember what it was. “Hi there!”

Amy walked toward me with a big smile. “How are you doing? We didn’t get a chance to talk at church.”

“I’ve decided to move into my mother’s house. I went for an interview this week at the hospital and I think I got the job.” Just as I said I saw Jessie shake his head and walk away. Since Amy was standing there, I couldn’t just chase after him. “I’m trying to start over.”

Amy smiled and touched my shoulder. “You have to do what makes you happy. Just remember that some decisions can hurt before they get better again. I think you’re brave for what you’re doing. It’s going to be a big adjustment.”

“Thanks for the advice. Hey, do you think that maybe we could have lunch sometime? I mean, I know we aren’t close or anything, but I don’t have any friends here. I just thought..”

“It would be great. Sometimes I just need to get away from family stuff. I love them, but we live together and work together. Sometimes I just want to scream.”

I laughed at her comment. “Do you think Miranda would get mad at you?”

She shook her head. “No. She’s been better about things, besides, her and Ty have their own stuff going on. I don’t know if you heard, but Bella got Rocky Mountain Fever a couple months ago. They misdiagnosed it at first and she had to be put back in the hospital.”

I put my hand over my mouth. “Oh my God. Is she going to be alright? I know that can be fatal. Please tell me she’ll be okay?”

Amy smiled. “She’s doing better. Her immune system just got messed up. Now, when she gets a cold, she gets really sick. The doctor is pumping her with vitamins and she’s been responding well. She’s back in school, but still not one hundred percent.”

“Ty must have freaked out.” We all knew how much he loved that little girl.

“When it comes to that kid, Ty always freaks out. He stayed by her side the whole time. I don’t know what would happen if he lost her.”

I could sense that things had gotten serious and I didn’t want to dwell on the negative. “So, are you shopping for anything in particular?”

She started looking around. “The kids could use some flannel sheets. Do you have any of those?”

“Actually, I think there are two whole sets. My mother had this thing with sheets. She never could have too many. I say that all you need is two sets.” I was trying to make her smile after making her sad. It was hard for me to be friendly, since I really had no friends.

“I’ll take both sets.”

I pointed to Jacob. “Head over to my associate and he will check you out, literally. His father taught him all about how to look at a woman.”

She shook her head and laughed as she walked away. The tables were crowded with people and I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to her. I saw her waving before she got into her car. Seeing her had made me optimistic that I could have friends again. Sure, Amy was part of that Mitchell clan, so I had to be careful not to step on any toes as far as being around her.  I was never going to be friends with Ty and Miranda, but maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to walk into an establishment without it being a problem if they were there too.

I started cleaning up around two in the afternoon. I’d sold more than half of my mother’s old junk and make five hundred bucks and some change. For being a big helper, I gave Jacob twenty one dollar bills. He thought he’d hit the jackpot and could live for the rest of his life with that much money. It was cute to see him running up to his father and telling him all about it.

Jessie helped me clean up, but he continued to avoid speaking to me. If I had to guess, I’d say that he was mad at me. Nothing was new about that. Somehow I was always famous for making him angry.

I wasn’t sure if he was staying for dinner, but one of us was going to have to speak. I couldn’t let him leave without smoothing things out. He was taking Jacob and I didn’t need conflict between us. We had to remain friends. For me, it wasn’t difficult, because I was still totally in love with him. I just needed him to be my friend.

Was that so hard to ask for?

Chapter 28

Jessie

I still couldn’t believe this was happening. That accident had done something to Heather. She was different, independent, and willing to do whatever it took to get me out of her life. I hated it.

Finally, all I wanted to do was be with her and she was pushing away. It was the story of my life. How could I blame her? I’d done nothing but push her away for years. Now, when I finally get my shit together, she decided that she’d had enough.

I couldn’t be near her without wanting to give her a piece of my mind, so to keep the peace, I decided to walk away and gather my thoughts.

After stopping for breakfast, I found myself sitting outside of Amy’s salon. Conner and his son came walking up to my car. “What’s up, man?”

“I came for a haircut. Is it too early?”

“Amy actually wasn’t going to work today, but hang on. She usually says yes.” He looked down at his son. “Go ask your mom if she has time to cut a guys hair.”

The little guy went running into the house.

“Thanks. I didn’t even think about it being the weekend. My heads all messed up these days.”

“Heather knocked up or somethin?” He laughed when he said it but quickly stopped grinning when he saw the look on my face.

I shook my head. “I almost wish she was, because maybe it would make her change her mind. She says she’s moving back to her old house. She says that I’m only with her out of pity and she doesn’t want that for either of us.” I started laughing. “Sorry, man. I know you don’t want to hear about this shit.”

Conner leaned against my car. He pointed his house. “You probably don’t know this, but I wasn’t always this family man. I used to run around and have women in different towns. Hell, one time I was hittin’ two sisters at the same time. All that changed when I met my wife. You know how that all went down, so I don’t have to explain it. My point is that I almost lost Amy by not speaking my mind. I was stubborn and didn’t want to admit that the world didn’t revolve around me.” Amy started walking out of the house and coming toward us. She had a kid in her arms. “She’s everything to me and I honestly couldn’t live without her. I don’t know how you feel about Heather, and it’s none of my business, but if you love her, fight for her. It will be worth it.”