Losing Him (21 page)

He leaned over and kissed Amy as she got close to both of us. “I hear you need a haircut?” She looked around. “Is Heather with you? She said she was having a yard sale.”

I shook my head. “She is. She’s getting everything set up. I needed to get out for a little while.”

She looked from Conner and then back to me. “One of those mornings. We all have them. Come on. Let’s get your mop fixed.”

I waved to Conner as Amy led me into her salon.

After she turned on all the lights and got me sitting, she spun me around to face her. “You know that when you sit in my chair I get free reign to ask any questions that I want.”

I let out a laugh. “Go ahead and ask.”

“What’s up? Is there trouble in paradise?”

“Paradise? It’s more like there is no paradise. Heather has decided that she wants to live here, without me.”

Amy’s eyes got huge. “You’re kidding? Why would she do that? She’s crazy about you, from what I could see.”

I shrugged and she started cutting my hair, probably to hide her grin of knowing that it was bound to happen. “She said that I’m only with her out of pity. She claims that she wants someone to want her as much as she wants them. Apparently, I’ll never be that guy.”

“Have you told her how you feel?”

“I don’t have to tell her. She knows it. I wouldn’t deny it if she asked me.” How could Heather not know something like that.

She spun me around again and I wondered why I came back to someone so nosey for a second time. “You have to tell a woman how you feel. We don’t just assume good things. We assume the worst.”

“I don’t talk about feelings. It just causes problems.”

“Well, apparently your way of doing things isn’t working very well for you if Heather wants to move back here, without you.” She had a point.

“I don’t know what to do. I thought if I gave her space she would change her mind, but she’s already gone to interviews here. She’s ready to move on.”

Amy started working on my hair again, but didn’t stop giving me her two cents. “Have you ever considered doing something drastic?”

“What do you mean?” I wasn’t going to cut off my ear.

“Jessie, if you ask me, Heather is looking for the ultimate commitment. So I’ll ask you again, are you willing to do something drastic to save your family?”

I shook my head and she smacked the back of it. Realizing that it could ruin my haircut, I stayed still for her. “She isn’t doing this because I haven’t asked her to marry me.”

“Maybe not, but I think she needs to know you’re in the relationship for her and not because she needs you to be. Marriage may not even be on her radar, but I recall someone showing up at the barn in a wedding dress. She’s obviously considered it.”

“After the dress got ruined, I hardly think she wants to talk about a wedding. Maybe she’s pushing me away so she never has to wear a wedding dress again.” I didn’t know what made her do the things she did. I couldn’t read women’s minds.

Amy started to giggle. “You men are ridiculous.” She got out the clippers, but before she turned them on, she faced me again. “Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get Heather back?”

I held up my hands. “I guess. I mean, it’s what I want. Why?”

“I think I can help with that. It’s going to take me a couple of weeks, but I’m pretty sure I have a solution for you.” Her grin was driving me crazy, like she knew something that I didn’t. I felt like a kid who wanted to know what he was getting for Christmas.

“Can you at least give me a hint?”

Amy smirked and then got this ornery look on her face again. “The dress didn’t get totally ruined. When the accident first happened and they brought her into the ER, they gave Van a bag containing the wedding dress because it was so valuable. I don’t think it fit into those little cubby’s they keep for patients either. Anyway, Van suggested that I keep it and have it cleaned for when Heather got better. The cleaners got out all the blood, but there are a couple spots that need to be patched up. My step-mother can sew anything, so if you want, I can take it to her. If anything is going to get you on Heather’s good side, it’s going to be her priceless dress that her mother made for her.”

“I wondered what happened to it. I think after the accident she just assumed it got thrown away and ruined. Why didn’t you tell anybody? I’m sure she would want to know it still exists.”

“She was in no condition to worry about that. Honestly, I forgot about it until the cleaners called me to pick it up. It’s been sitting in my closet this whole time. I just never knew when I’d see her, or if she even wanted to see it again. I know if my mother made me something like that, I’d never want to lose it. I’d keep it forever knowing that a piece of her was at my wedding.”

“You’re a damn saint. You’re whole family is the nicest group of people I’ve ever met. I’m glad you found Conner. It’s a shame you ever had to be involved with Rick.” I felt horrible admitting that his blood ran through me. I wasn’t anything like that man.

“Jessie, you will never be like that man. I’ve seen you with Heather and Jacob. They adore you. Rick was a bad man. He never cared about anyone but himself. What kind of man abandons their kids and beats their wives?”

“A terrible one.” I had to change the subject because talking about him made my blood boil. Even though I felt embarrassed to ask, I did it anyway. “So, I’ll pay your step-mother to fix the dress, if you think it will work. Heather doesn’t think so, but I need to show her that I’m not with her because I feel sorry for her. I’m with her because it’s where I want to be.”

“You get your plan in order. The dress isn’t going to do the talking for you. Leave the dress to me. We have your number and will call when it’s ready. Maybe you could plan something special when you give it to her.” Amy smiled and turned me around to see my fresh haircut. Just like before, it looked great.

“Thanks!”

“No charge. Go learn how to express your feelings. I hate to see kids bouncing back and forth between parents. It breaks my heart.”

I started to walk away, but turned around and approached her. “One more favor. If you could not mention that we talked, it would be great.”

She motioned like she was sealing her lips and tossing away the key. “We never talked!”

On my way back from seeing Amy, I felt hopeful. Still, I didn’t know how to be around Heather until I had everything in order. This was going to be my last chance at winning her back. We were both tired of the back and forth. The problem was that I didn’t want her walking away, I wanted her with me.

There were several things that I had to do to ensure that I could convince her. I was going to have to tell my parents and get their blessing. Even without it, I knew my choice, but it would make things easier for Heather if they were all on board. I needed to make some financial decisions. In the meantime, I was risking losing Heather to this new life she was trying to start. While I was struggling to save our relationship, she may just fall in love with her new life and not want anything I had to offer her. The two weeks that Amy had asked me to wait may just end things for good.

I was petrified of that outcome.

I didn’t want to have visitation and custody rights for our son.

He shouldn’t have to live in two separate states.

I didn’t want to be without him and neither did Heather, which meant it would come to be a huge battle. For the sake of everything that I loved, I prayed that this plan of Amy’s was going to work. If loves wasn’t enough, I didn’t know what else to give Heather to prove my devotion to her.

I may be playing a game that had no winner.

This could be devastating.

Chapter 29

Heather

I should have known that each time Jessie left to go home that it was going to harder. Jacob thought I just had to keep working on my mother’s house. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that everything was about to change. I think somewhere in my mind, I was praying that it wouldn’t come to that, although I knew Jessie wasn’t going to budge.

Jessie had decided to leave a day early, claiming that he had something to do. Since it was no longer my business, I didn’t ask him what it was.

After getting Jacob buckled in, he came over and pinned me against the car. His lips were on mine before I could argue with him. He stared deeply into my eyes. “I’ll miss you this week.”

I swallowed the knot in my throat. “It will get easier.”

“I don’t want it to get easier. I want to think about you every day. I want to think about how your skin feels against my lips. I want to think about the way you smile when you first wake up.” He kissed me softly again while holding both sides of my face.

I closed my eyes and tried not to focus on his seduction. That’s all it was. Jessie wasn’t in it for the long term, he was in it for the fun. “So I’ll see you next weekend?” I was already choking back the tears.

Finally he pushed away and started to get in the car. “Yeah, I guess I’ll see you then. If staying with you will be too much, I can ask my sister.”

I leaned into the car window after he closed the door. “I have plenty of room.”

He pecked me on the cheek before I could pull away. “I’ll call when we get home.”

Before the tires hit the pavement, I was already crying. I felt like the bad guy for trying to move forward. Why couldn’t Jesse just communicate with me? How come he had to be so indecisive. We could have been a family forever.

I wished there was someone to guide me through my heartache. No matter how much I loved Jessie, it would never change the fact that I would never be what he wanted. To him, I’d always be that girl that corrupted his perfect life.

It hurt me more being with him and knowing that than not being with him at all.

My mother’s dying wish was for me to be happy and secure with my self. The only way that I would ever be able to do that was if I started over. I knew that moving back to town wasn’t ideal, but without any money, it was my only option. The biggest hardship I was going to have was fighting Jessie for custody of Jacob. Because we lived hours away, we wouldn’t be able to share him like we always had when we were apart. Millions of family’s made it work everyday, so I was hopeful that we could do the same.

Hopefully, after time, I’d be able to afford a place closer to Jessie so that we could go back to our original agreement. I was aware that the time in between was going to cause major issues with him. Aside from our relationship problems, Jacob was his father’s whole world. Being without his son wasn’t going to go well at all. If his parent’s got involved, I was up for the fight of my life.

Three hours after they pulled out of the driveway Jessie was calling me. I was still in tears from being so messed up over things, but I tried to disguise it with my voice.

Hello?

Hey, I just want you to know we’re home safe.

Jess, please don’t hang up yet.

I don’t have anything to say to you, Heather. This shit is breaking my damn heart. You expect me to just let you walk away with my son. You’re kidding yourself if you think that’s going to happen.

It’s not like that and you know it. Don’t you think that after all that I’ve been through, I deserve to be happy?

I tried to make you happy. This shit is all in your head. I just drove for three hours and I’m tired. Can we just not do this tonight?

I’m not doing this because I don’t love you anymore. I think I’m always going to love you, Jess.

Baby, you don’t know what love is if you think that walking away is going solve all of your problems.

The phone went dead before I could say anything else. If I was making the right decision, why did it feel like my life was ending?

I fell to the floor begging God to give me a sign, showing me where I needed to be. I begged him to guide me to my future and give me the strength to get there in one piece. I begged him to forgive me for all of sins against myself and others.

It was at that pivotal moment when I begged him to save my life and grant me a second chance. I’d given up doing things on my own, only to fail in the end. If someone didn’t help me, I was afraid I would fail again.

The phone rang again startling me. This time, I didn’t hide my tears.

Hello?

Why are you doing this?

I just want to new start, Jess. I’m so tired of being judged by everyone around me. For once I just wanted to be someone else. I want a new start.

Have you considered what Jacob wants? Do you know how hard it is to tell him everything is going to be okay?

I think about him every second.

Maybe you should ask him. I can tell you that for the last few hours all he’s talked about is you coming home. How do you think he’s going to feel when he finds out that you’re not planning on ever coming back?

I’ll deal with that. He’s a little boy. Don’t you think it’s important for me to get my life straight? I can’t be a good mother if I’m all messed up.

You’re messed up because inside that little head of yours, you know you’re doing the wrong thing. I don’t get why you’re doing this. Haven’t I proved to you that I want you in my life?

Jessie, you took me in because I didn’t have any place to go. I know you believe that this is what you want, but it’s a decision that was made at a desperate time. I know you care deeply for me, and you thought that I was going to die. You probably got scared about raising our son all by yourself. This isn’t the same as wanting to be with me for no reason at all. That’s the kind of love I’m searching for. It’s the kind of person that I want to be. I can’t undo all of the wrongs that I’ve caused, but I can start over and be a better person. I can’t keep hoping for things to change. I need to make them change.

What do I have to do to convince you that you’re wrong?

I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. My heart is broken and this is tearing me apart inside, but I know it won’t always feel this way. I have to believe that we will both be happy eventually. For now, I need to get my life in order.