Losing Him (3 page)

Now, when something went wrong, or I just wanted to hear her voice, she wouldn’t be there. For the first time since the third grade, I wished that I had a father.

All I could remember was that day he left for work and never came back. I remember crying because my mother was crying. I remember the police coming to our house and my mother crying some more.

After a while, my brother and I just stopped asking about him.

When I turned twenty-four and realized that I’d almost cost Tyler Mitchell and his wife their children, I had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for anxiety attacks. Every single time I went out in public, I would freak out and think I couldn’t breathe and that I was dying.

Upon further examination of my mental stability, my doctor claimed that I was bi-polar and put me on medication to control my compulsive behavior. He didn’t want to hear that I’d loved the same man since I was a young girl. He didn’t want to hear that he’d promised me things and never followed through with them. He just wanted to fill me with drugs and show me the door. It was kind of a pattern for me.

Men just wanted to use me and then throw me away. I couldn’t get away from it.

Once again I felt alone, with nothing to look forward to.

My mother saw what was happening to me. One night, after a long shift from work, she sat me down and told me a story about a miserable man that beat his wife and tried to touch his eight year-old daughter. As sickening as it was for me to hear, I knew she was telling me the truth.

My father was the first of many.

He didn’t leave us like I’d believed. My mother filed a report and had him picked up at work. She testified, along with one of his coworkers that they’d seen him touching me inappropriately. He died in jail at the age of forty-six. By that time, my mother had given us a good life and long but forgotten about the torture that she’d endured herself.

I had to see a therapist more often after I found out. Even though I couldn’t remember it, I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being molested by my father. My mother assured me that it never went far. She claimed that my brother told on him right away and she confronted him. When he attempted it at work and got caught, that was the end of the road for him. It still made me feel dirty.

What kind of father touches his own children? What kind of sick bastard would do something like that? I didn’t have to hate him. For the life of me, I can’t even remember what he looked like and that doesn’t bother me. The less I can remember about that the better.

I thought about finding his extended family, but what good would that have done? They’d probably say we were liars and make me feel even worse about myself, not that I needed more reasons.

Something else pivotal happened in my life when all of that madness was going on. I remember being in the third grade and being sad. My dad was gone and my mother was always crying. I was having bad dreams and having accidents in my pants.

Third grade is too old for that to be happening. I remember that we went on a field trip to the circus. All the kids had their moms there, but mine had to work. I got upset and went into the corner and peed my pants.

When I came back to sit down, the children noticed and began to make fun of me. One kid, out of the whole class, came walking over and grabbed my hand. That one kid whispered in my ear that it was going to be okay.

That kid’s name was Tyler Mitchell and it was that day that I fell completely in love with him.

Sadly, he would never return the same feelings and after years of desperate attempts to win him over, I’d managed to fuck up my life and reputation, so bad that nobody would ever forgive me.

I was a bitch, tearing through relationships like they meant nothing, because none of them could give me the one thing I really wanted. I suppose that’s why I went off the deep end and got involved with Rick. I stopped caring about my life. I just wanted to give up. I didn’t care about myself enough to realize that I was well on my way to putting myself six feet into the ground.

Jessie saved me from myself, even when I wasn’t expecting it. I think that’s what was so beautiful about my love for him. It was a surprise. He didn’t know about the things that I’d done, so for the first time, I wasn’t being judged. He loved me for the person I was trying so hard to be.

Of course, it was short lived. Once he got a glimpse of my past, he was out the door, getting as far away from me as he could. I couldn’t blame him or fight him over it. Nothing was ever going to change. If I wanted Jessie at all, I had to take the little bit that he was offering. I just wasn’t meant to walk down an aisle in a white dress and say beautiful vows to a man that I loved more than life itself. I was never the type of person to get a happily ever after. That fantasy was shattered the moment I tried to sabotage someone else’s life, for my own gain.

It was a shame that I was sitting in my mother’s kitchen, feeling sorry for my life, when in a few hours I’d be putting my mother into the cold ground. This was her day, not mine. It was a day to celebrate a strong woman who died too soon. She’d want me to hug my son and be happy for what I had in life and I was determined to try to do that for her.

Jessie startled me when he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a coffee cup. “How are you feeling?”

I shrugged and leaned against the cabinets. “I guess as good as I can be. Sorry I woke you.”

He added cream and sugar and took his first sip of coffee. “I didn’t sleep good either.”

I looked at the floor. “You could have stayed in bed with me. It isn’t like we’ve never slept together before.”

He cleared his voice, sat his coffee down and pinned me to the kitchen cabinets. His mouth was so close to mine. “I could have, but you and I both know what happens when we’re in bed together. That’s not happening anymore, Heather. We need to stop doing this shit to each other.” He walked away, leaving me feeling so empty.

“I love you, Jessie. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I need you to know it. One day we’re here and the next we may not be. I don’t want to leave this world without you knowing that.”

“You’re being dramatic. Nothing is going to happen to you. Our relationship problems have nothing to do with love. It’s about trust. Without that, we can’t make it work. I’m done trying. Now, I came here to support you, but you need to know that’s all it is. Do you understand?” I was crying and he knew he’d hurt my feelings. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug. “Heather, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick. I just want you to know that I’m not here to work things out. I’m here to support you because you don’t have anyone else. Just because I don’t want to be with you, doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

I let him hug me, but it didn’t make me feel better. It wasn’t like I didn’t already know our fate. I just couldn’t rehash it while trying to cope with everything else. I knew I was being super emotional, but how was I supposed to act? “I know. I just wish it could be different. I’m so glad you’re here. As complicated as we are, I don’t know what I would do if you hadn’t come.”

He grabbed my arms and pushed me away from his chest. “You’ll get through this week. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are. One of the things I always loved about you was how resilient you were.”

“That was before I lost the man I loved.”

He said something as he walked out of the room shaking his head.

Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut, for once?

Getting through this in one piece was going to be difficult.

Chapter 4

Jessie

Every damn time we were alone, this shit happened. You’d think I’d learn my lesson, but no, I was always putting myself right back where we were before. Our road to a nowhere relationship was exhausting. I was so sick of the back and forth. That’s why I wanted out.

Heather’s sobbing continued throughout the morning. I tried to avoid her, consuming myself in all things Jacob. It worked for the first two hours he was awake, but a kid can only stay occupied for so long before he wants to get into something else.

When he heard his mother crying, he went running toward the sound.

We found Heather sitting on her mother’s bed. She was holding a picture of herself at graduation. Her mother was kissing her on the cheek. Jacob climbed on the bed as I sat beside her, taking the picture and looking at it closely. “You still look the same.”

She did a fake air filled laugh. “Yeah right!”

“Tell Mommy she’s still beautiful.” I meant it. Heather was stunning. She had no flaws when it came to her looks. Her hair always flowed and shined. She has the sweetest little lips and prettiest eyes. I loved her ass and the size of her tits, especially when she got pregnant. If I could have drawn up my dream girl in high school, it would have looked just like her.

“Mommy, you are beautiful!” he laughed.

“I don’t feel very beautiful, buddy. I feel worn out and sad.”

Jacob leaned over my legs and set his head down on his mother’s. “Don’t be sad Mommy. Me and Daddy will take care of you.”

I felt upset, thinking about how I was going to walk away from them, in hopes of finding something else with a less complicated relationship. I was sick of coming home and worrying about what, if anything, she could be keeping from me. I needed someone I could trust and Heather wasn’t it.

After we were all up for a while, we headed out to the grocery store to buy everything that was needed for the wake that was going to be held at the church. Heather knew the congregation would bring dishes, but she insisted on making sure they had a nice spread. We had just walked into the store and got Jacob in a cart, when I heard Heather gasp. A guy, my height came walking toward her. Since she was from this town, I figured it was someone she knew from school. That was, until she said his name.

“Conner?”

Hmm, this was “the” Conner.

He smiled and stuck a box of cereal inside of a cart with a little girl sitting in it.

“Heather. I heard about your mother. It’s a damn shame. I didn’t know her long, but she was a kind lady. The kids liked it when she worked in the nursery durin’ service on Sundays.” His accent was annoying. I hated how girls got all giddy over that shit.

“Thanks. So, how is the family?” I could tell that she felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how I felt about this guy.

It took Heather a long time to tell me about the events leading to when she got involved with my sperm donor father. The Conner part rubbed me the wrong way, not to mention that there was a whole lot of cheating going on. The way that it had been explained to me was that Conner used her to get information out of her for something she did to sabotage his sister’s marriage to that guy Tyler she’d been involved with. It all made my head spin really, but the idea of him using her pissed me off. No matter how rotten she may have been, I couldn’t see the logic in it.

Heather looked over at me and could sense my anger. “Conner, this is Jessie.”

He held out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, man. So are you finally makin’ a honest girl out of her?”

I got ready to same something smart back to him, except Heather cut in. “We aren’t together. Jessie is just helping me take care of things.”

Conner creased his brow. “I better get this little one home. I forgot to bring a diaper and she weighs an extra five pounds.”

“It was good seeing you. Tell Amy I said hello.”

He was already walking away. “You should stop by the shop. My sister’s got the flu, so she won’t be there.” I watched him wink at her before he turned and walked down the next aisle.

Heather stayed quiet for the next few moments as she shopped. Jacob was busy playing with his handheld game, so he wasn’t noticing anything that was going on. “So, that was Conner?”

She nodded and grabbed a box of crackers off the shelf. “Yep. That was him.”

“He was weird. Didn’t you say he hated you?”

“He does. They all do, for obvious reasons. I told you all about it.” Heather wasn’t understanding me.

“He acted friendly. Isn’t he married to the woman that was married to my father? That is the same Conner, right?” I was thinking that I was confused.

“Yes, he’s married to Rick’s ex and yes, he’s the one that I… well you know the rest.”

I walked up close to her, so Jacob couldn’t hear. “He didn’t act like he hated you.”

“Trust me, they all do, especially his sister.”

I tried to think about the mangled mess of family that she’d explained to me. “His sister is Tyler’s wife, right?”

“Yes, and Amy’s best friend. Can we just finish shopping before I run into someone else? This whole town hates my guts. The sooner we take care of things the sooner we can get out of here.”

I dropped the subject and pushed the cart as she filled it. I could tell she was hurt by how the people in this town, especially the ones that were related to the Mitchell’s, felt about her. As sad as it was, I also wanted to know more about it. Once we loaded the groceries into the car, we stopped by the church and the funeral home to double check that everything was in order. Feeling satisfied, we set out for her mom’s house with our agenda planned out.

Heather was wired and determined to get through the day without a breakdown. I could see that she was keeping herself busy to avoid having time to sit down and think. Jacob was getting bored, so I decided to take him out and get a haircut. There was this place that I wanted to check out, without Heather being around.

It wasn’t hard to figure out where that girl Amy’s shop was, but I had no idea it was at her actual house.

When I pulled up out front, I recognized Conner right away. He was squirting a bunch of kids with a hose, while washing a John Deere mower. They were all running around screaming. Jacob took it as an invitation and jumped out of the car before I could say anything. Conner stopped squirting and looked right at him. “Hey, kiddo.”

“I’m Jacob.”

“That’s my name, except everybody calls me Jake!” A little boy, older than my Jacob, came walking over.

When I looked around, I saw he had a brother that was identical to him, a twin. Then it hit me. I finally understood why Heather didn’t want to use that name. Why she couldn’t tell me the truth, I had to know.