Losing Him (7 page)

A couple people that she knew stood up and said something nice. I never expected to see Heather stand, but she did. She walked up to the podium and closed her eyes for a second before beginning to speak.

“Thank you all for coming. I’m sure my mom would be pleased with how many people cared about her.” She paused for a moment and I could tell she was choking up. “My mom was my best friend; my only friend at times. When I was a little girl, she worked two jobs to give me and my brother a good life. I remember one Christmas, when I was five years old, that I can never forget. You see, we’d had to move into my grandmother’s house, after losing ours. My mother was wreck. We did everything we could to behave to try to make her smile, but again, I was five and my brother was seven. Neither of us knew the meaning of a dollar, or what bills were. So one night she sat us down, while in tears herself, and told us that she wasn’t going to be able to give us a Christmas. She said that one of her jobs had fired her and she couldn’t afford to buy us presents.”

Heather smiled through her tears. “Of course, my grandmother bought us a few gifts, but she was living off of my grandfather’s social security. We didn’t have any other family, so it wasn’t like they could make up for what my mother couldn’t do. She cried for weeks leading up to that day, but when we woke up Christmas morning, there were presents from Santa under the tree.”

She wiped her eyes with a tissue. “I didn’t understand about Santa until I was older. She acted like it was Santa who had given us Christmas, but it was really her.”

Heather smiled again and looked down at Jacob. “Last year my mother told me that she’d gone out and pawned her jewelry to get money to buy us presents. One of the pieces was my great grandmother’s wedding ring. It was priceless to her, but she gave it up for us.”

She looked out into the audience and froze. I looked back but it was too crowded to see what she was looking at. Finally, she smiled another fake smile and kept going.  “She gave up a lot more for us, too. My brother couldn’t be here and I’m sure most of you know why. I wasn’t exactly the easiest child to raise either. Through it all, she stuck by us. I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to lose her. Sometimes I feel like she’s all I’ve ever had. I’m going to miss her so much.”

Heather covered her face with her hands and moved away from the podium. I looked around and saw people watching, so I rushed to her side and helped her come back down to sit.

The pastor walked over to the podium again and said his final blessing before the service was over.

We stayed sitting as the people cleared out of the church. Heather didn’t say anything. Instead, she rested her head on my shoulder and stared at the closed casket as the men stood up and approached it. I’d volunteered to be a pall bearer, so I scooted away from her and headed up myself.

While waiting for everyone to get into position, I noticed a few ladies trying to console her. The thought was nice, but she was going to be hurting emotionally for a while. She said it herself; her mother was her best friend.

The cemetery was located on the back part of the church grounds. One good thing was that the mortuary drove the casket over to the plot and then we just had to carry it a few more feet. Since I was involved in that, I wouldn’t be with Heather as she made her way out to the site. I was a little concerned that she wasn’t going to be able to do it, but in the distance I saw her and Jacob holding hands. She needed that kid, now more than ever.

Once everyone was there, I sat down in the front next to Heather. She found my hand before I could offer her one to hold. I squeezed it, giving her some support without saying anything.

The final prayers were made and the service was over, leaving us sitting there to make our final goodbyes. People walked up and dropped flowers on the casket, before walking away. Heather was sobbing again. I leaned over and whispered in her ear. “Jacob and I will be waiting for whenever you’re ready.”

She grabbed my hand. “Please, don’t go.”

“Okay.” I helped her stand up and the three of us walked over to the casket.

“Is Nana’s body in there?” Jacob asked.

Heather nodded.

“But she’s in Heaven with the other angels, right?”

“Yep, she is,” I answered.

“Can we go inside now? I’m thirsty and I have to pee.”

I leaned over and kissed Heather on her cheek. “When your mom is ready we will go in. Just give her a second.”

She turned and looked at me. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

I put my arm around her. “She’s at peace, babe. I know that you know that.”

She nodded. “I don’t know how to live without her. She was the only person that I had to talk to. I feel empty.”

I wanted to tell her that she could talk to me, Hell I wanted to be that person, but I wasn’t making promises I couldn’t keep. “You’re going to be okay. You’re so much stronger than you know.”

A few moments later, we were walking back inside the church. We had to make a pit stop for Jacob to use the lavatory and then headed to where the voices were coming from. The fellowship hall was full of people. As we walked in, I saw Heather get that look from before. She froze in place and I followed her eyes. Conner was standing with his wife, Amy and Van. “It looks like more people came to the service. Is that what had you so shocked?”

“I guess I never expected them to be here.”

We didn’t have to walk over to them, because they were making their way toward us. Heather seemed to be uptight about talking to them, maybe because I’d given her such a hard time about Conner earlier. Of course, she had no idea that I’d stopped by and seen him and his wife, wanting answers she wasn’t willing to give.

Conner was holding his wife’s hand, while Van walked beside them.

Heather smiled. “Thank you for coming. I know you all liked my mother.”

“How are you holding up?” Amy asked.

Heather shook her head. “Not good.” She rubbed Jacob’s head. “It’s just been hard for us. We’re really going to miss her.”

“My dad died when I was a teenager. It was real hard for me and my sister. I know what you’re goin’ through.” Conner was being cordial with Heather, but she refused to look him in the eyes while he was standing with Amy. This was the first time that I’d seen her react that way.

Amy reached out and touched Heather’s arm. “Are you planning on staying in town?”

Heather looked at me and then back to Amy. “Not long. I need to talk to my mother’s attorney and make sure her estate is in order. Then we’re heading home.”

“Oh, I figured you would move into the house.” Van seemed surprised.

“I can’t live here. I mean, I think it’s amazing that you three came to say goodbye to my mother, but I know how this town feels about me. You don’t have to be nice to me. I know I don’t deserve it.” I didn’t get it. What wasn’t she telling me that she’d done? I knew sleeping with people could be construed as awful, but she hadn’t been with that many guys, not that I knew of.

“Heather, this town doesn’t hate you. The things that happened were years ago. I certainly owe my life to you.” Amy replied. She seemed like a nice girl. From what I’d seen, she’d been busy since she’d married Conner. It appeared that they had a slew of kids running around.

“You know why I can’t come back. I can’t run into them.” Heather was obviously holding something back from me.

“The twins are turning six. It’s been a while. I know you won’t ever be friends, but I’m sure you can manage to live in the same town without there being a problem.” Van seemed like she was trying her hardest to make Heather feel better.

She smiled, but shook her head. “I’d never take Jacob away from his grandparents, anyway. Jessie’s home and business are where we live now. We’re happy there.”

“We don’t even live with Daddy,” Jacob interrupted.

I could tell that it made Heather feel horrible, so I put my arm around her. “We’re still a family, buddy. You know that.”

Heather tried to change the subject, not realizing that it was going to cause us to be at a loss for words. “I’m sorry. Jessie, this is Amy. I forgot that you’ve never met.”

Amy’s eyes got real big as she looked at me. I shook my head, trying to convince her to not say anything about me coming to them. I didn’t want Heather to know I was snooping around. Thankfully, the little lady reached out and shook my hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Krista has told me nice things about you.”

“Same here!”

This meeting thing needed to happen, because I wasn’t about keeping secrets like Heather. It was bothering me, having to pretend and sneak around behind her back. Like it or not, the future with my family depended on the truth.

Chapter 9

Heather

I was in awe.  The outpouring of support for my mother’s life was downright amazing. I never expected so many people to have been touched by her acts of kindness. It made me more envious of the person that I needed to be.

The most shocking part was seeing Amy, Conner and Van there. I had to remember that they were there for my mother, not me. Van had been so thoughtful, like she always was, when it came to comforting me. I don’t know how I would have been able to find the courage to say goodbye without her there.  In all the years I’d been jealous of her, I never considered that it was her nature that made everyone fall in love with her. She was always worried about the people around her, putting herself second.

I didn’t expect us to ever be friends, but it made me smile knowing that if we passed on the road, she wouldn’t be cussing me out. In fact, so many people were kind to me during the service. I appreciated it, even if it were all a show to keep the peace at such a sad time.

Jessie socialized with the Mitchell family while I made my rounds thanking the people that had attended. Jacob, being the only child there, was getting bored and anxious. I knew he was going to start bouncing off the walls at any moment. He’d asked to go outside and play over ten times.

I think, for the most part, I was running on autopilot. With the events of the day overwhelming me, I knew I was going to break down again later, after it all sank in. One good thing was that I had Jessie with me. For some reason, knowing that he was by my side made everything a little easier.

I was still pretty confused with his actions earlier in the shower, but who was I to complain about being able to be close to him like that again. It had been a while and I hadn’t realized just how much I missed that intimate touch.

He was the perfect guy; grounded, responsible, caring. It was all great except for the fact that I had tainted his reputation. Being with me was what his parents feared. They wanted him with a perfect career woman, who waited until her thirties to conceive their planned child

Jessie helped clean the hall up before we left to head back to my mother’s. Jacob complained the whole way that he was hungry, bored and wanted to go home. He was officially over the events necessary to bury and say goodbye to his grandmother. I felt mad, but tried to understand that he was only five. He just wasn’t old enough to understand the complexity of the situation.

I don’t know what I expected when we pulled up at my moms. Maybe I thought it was all a dream and she was going to come walking out to greet us. Whatever the case, I just sat there, staring at the front door that wasn’t going to open.

Jessie climbed out and stuck his head back in. “Heather, are you coming?”

I don’t know why I put him on the spot, but that’s exactly what I did. “Tell me you love me, Jess.”

He took his head out for a second and shook it. “I’m not playing this game with you tonight. It’s been a long day and we’re all tired.”

It made me mad that he couldn’t even say those simple words to me. “Are you going to sleep in my bed tonight?”

“Dammit, Heather. Just come in whenever the hell you feel like it. I’m not doing this with you.”

I watched him walk to the front door, letting him and Jacob in, before closing it behind them.

Why couldn’t he talk to me about feelings? I hated not knowing what was going to happen, especially since he was the only person that I had left, besides my own son. I needed his support and understanding. I wanted us to be together again.

After a couple minutes, I started getting mad about his actions. He was being supportive, but where had he gotten the idea that sleeping with me was going to be okay? He took it to that level, in my most emotional state ever, with no regard for how it would affect me later on. 

I stomped up the stairs and found him sitting on the couch, reading something on his phone. It made me madder that he was sitting in here like he didn’t know that I was upset with him. “Why can’t you talk to me?” I stood over him, demanding an answer.

“What if I said what you didn’t want to hear? Would you still want the damn answers?”

It was going to get ugly. We’d been down this road before. “I just want to know where we stand. What happened this morning? Why’d you come to me? I didn’t ask for that.”

“You weren’t complaining!” He said rudely.

“Of course not. All I want to do is be with you. In fact, you knew I wouldn’t be able to say no, so you took advantage of me, didn’t you? You just wanted to fuck me and walk away again, like you always do. I’m not a damn punching bag, Jess. I have feelings. Right now my heart is so broken. Being with you made it all go away, even if it was temporary.” I stood there, in front of him, waiting for him to respond to me.

He put his hands over his face while he thought about what to say. “Heather, can we just sleep on it and talk tomorrow? I’m tired and I’m really biting my tongue so I don’t hurt your feelings.”

“It was a simple question. I didn’t ask you to marry me. All I wanted was to hear you say those words.” That stinging in my eyes was happening again and I was fighting to hold back the tears. He couldn’t see me getting emotional over his actions.

Jesse stood up and got in my face. He ran his hand over my cheek and kept it there. “I fucked you in the shower because I was horny. As far as my feelings, right now, I just feel sorry for you. Consider it a pity fuck.” He walked away from me, leaving me there alone in the living room.