Losing Him (6 page)

I really hoped that I’d be able to forgive her, because walking away from her was going to be hard when I still loved her. Maybe I was trying to find reasons to stop loving her, if that was even possible. I wondered if I could hate and love someone at the same time.

Only time would tell.

Chapter 7

Heather

So many people had showed up to pay their respects to my mother. They were friendly to me, even giving me hugs and asking how I was doing. I started to feel a little braver halfway through the viewing. Since we lived in a small town, and my mother knew the funeral home director and her pastor, her service had all been arranged to be held back at the church at four. The viewing was supposed to go until three, but most people cleared out around two.

I was surprised to see that Van and her mother had stuck around. They were mingling amongst the other members of the congregation. Jessie had taken Jacob out to get a snack, since he was getting antsy again.

Slowly, but surely, I made my way up to where my mother’s body was. My hands felt clammy and the dizziness from before had come back. As much as I wanted to be brave, knowing that I had to do this, I took those final steps up there.

To prevent myself from passing out, I put both hands on the casket. My eyes opened slowly, focusing on her hands first. Like other deceased bodies, her hands were together. She was holding a cross and wearing her mother’s ring that I’d given her the Christmas before.

Without even thinking about what I was doing, I reached over and touched her hands. Tears filled my eyes and eventually started falling down my face, dripping onto my mom’s beautiful pink dress. I knew it well, since my grandmother had made it for her years ago. After she passed, my mother dabbled in sewing. She made all kinds of things, even my prom dress.

Just thinking of prom made me reminisce about that night. Since I couldn’t be Ty’s date, I ended up going with Mike, a guy we all grew up with. He was nice, and we even dated for a while, but it was just to try and make Ty jealous. When he and Van would fight, he would call me and take me out to this place near the football field. Most times, we would end up screwing in the back of his pickup truck.

I remembered passing him near the bathroom that night. He looked so good dressed up in a tux. My heart beat out of my chest when he whispered in my ear how hot I looked. I asked him what he was doing once the after party was over, but he said he was spending the night at the barn with Van. It broke my heart, even when I was used to being ‘the other’ girl. Ty only used me, I know that now. He never cared about me or how he affected me. He didn’t understand that I lived and breathed to feel him touching me.

I was a fool to think that he cared about me, yet I kept being drawn to him, no matter how happy he was with Van.

I closed my eyes and shook off that memory. Van was here and that was all in the past. I wasn’t that girl anymore and Ty was just someone I once cared deeply for. Jessie was the one I wanted. He was who I wanted to share my future with.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see that Van was standing there beside me. “I see you made it up here.”

“Yeah. I can’t look at her face though. I’ve just been staring at this dress, thinking about the one she made me for prom.” I looked down at the dress again and traced the fabric with my fingertips.

“Your dress was gorgeous. I didn’t know she made it.”

“I guess we weren’t exactly friends back then.”

“If it means anything, you should have dated Ty, not me. You were the cheerleader and he was the football player. I was just the nerdy girl he always wanted to rescue. For all I know, he probably even told you that himself.”

I looked at her taking my eyes off of my mother’s dress. “He never did. How pathetic is that? I kept trying even though I knew the whole time that he’d never love me. I let it ruin my life.” I wiped away my tears. “I wish we would have been friends instead. I’ve never met anyone like you, Van. You put yourself down back then, but you didn’t know how jealous I was of you. My God you’re gorgeous, you had a great boyfriend and got good grades. I was so envious of your life.”

She smiled. “You were the popular one. I could count my friends on one hand. When we got to college, after his accident, I didn’t have any friends.” Her smiled faded and she looked saddened.

“I blamed you, but I was the biggest part of that night going down the way it did.”

She sort of laughed and shook her head. “Well, for the first time Ty was single. I would have jumped on that too. My temper was what landed him in that hospital. I was jealous.”

We both smiled. “He’s an ass!”

“Yeah, he certainly is. Nothing has changed either. He still gets on my nerves daily. Although, I couldn’t have gotten through the past year without him. You probably don’t know this, but he knew about the cancer before anyone else. He actually flew to Kentucky to take me to the doctors when Colt was away. He held my hand and was the best friend to me.”

I must have looked shocked, because she kept going, like she wanted to explain.

“We’re best friends; nothing more. He’s my family now and I love him dearly, but there’s nothing going on with us besides that. He’s different now and devoted to his family. Miranda keeps him in check and to be honest, without hurting your feelings, he’s never been in love like he is with her. The way he looks at her and protects her is intense. His kids are the same. You saw firsthand what he went through to protect Bella. Now they have the twins and as crazy as they are, they make him proud. He’s happy.”

If she could say that without getting offended than I could certainly hear it and be alright. “I’m glad he finally was able to find happiness.” Sensing that I needed to change the subject, I turned and finally looked at my mother’s face. I was shocked that I’d done it, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. “Oh God.”

“Take a couple deep breaths.” She stood there with me as I looked at my mother. The mortician had done a great job, making her look beautiful. I was glad he knew her personally. “Breathe, Heather.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, while staring at my mother’s closed eyes. “She looks peaceful.”

“She does.” Van stood close to me, looking at my mother, while supporting me from freaking out.

“Thank you for being here, Van. You talk about not having friends, but it seems that we’ve switched places. I’m the one who has no friends and your life is full of them. My mother probably wishes that I was like you. I feel like I’ve failed her.”

“My mom said she talked about you and Jacob all the time. You’re her daughter, Heather. Of course she was proud of you.” Van was trying to make me feel better. It made me feel uneasy, considering it was coming from someone that should despise me. If I were her, I would have.

“Thank you. Not just for saying such nice things to me, but for being here. I don’t know how I could have gotten through today without the support.”

She smiled. “Like I said before, your kind words helped me when I had no idea what was happening. I think I’m just doing you the same favor.”

I looked at my mother, finally taking in her beauty. She’d been through so much and it had aged her, but she was still stunning for her age. With Van still standing at my side, I reached over and touched my mother’s cold hands. It was just another reminder that she was gone. Around the casket were items that people had put inside. Cards, letters and even jewelry was tucked into the sides. I appreciated how much she was loved by her community. I envied her ability to find the good in people and put up with my antics. She died too young.

Van didn’t stand up there with me the whole time. She said her goodbyes and left me to stand there with my mother. At first, I didn’t think I wanted to say anything out loud. Standing there and being close to her was enough. When I knew that it was almost time for the casket to be closed, I knew it was then or never. This was the last time I was ever going to be able to touch my mother. Death was a vicious thing, taking our hearts with it as our loved ones passed away. I’m sure if anyone was listening they wouldn’t have been able to make out what I was saying, because my sobbing was out of control. It didn’t stop me though. “Mom, there’s so much that I want to say to you. I guess I should have said it all while you were still here with us. You can add it to the list of reasons that made me such a handful. I’m so sorry for disappointing you, over and over. I never meant to make your life so hard. If I’d known that our time was limited, maybe I could have done things differently; maybe it would have made me want to make you proud. Instead, I ran around, causing trouble for people who didn’t deserve it. I was selfish and didn’t consider that my actions would result the way they did. I hope that you can forgive me, Mom. I need to know you forgive me. I promise that I’m going to be the best mother I can be. Jacob will be my first priority. I’ll make you proud, even if I have to die trying. I love you more than I can even put into words. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being my mom. Rest now. You’re not in pain anymore. Goodbye, Mom.” I leaned down and kissed my mother’s cold cheek, keeping my lips on her skin for a brief moment. When I lifted my head, I saw my tears causing her face makeup to run.

Hands were on my shoulders and I turned around and buried myself in Jessie’s chest. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there, but I knew it was him who was holding me. “I can’t believe she’s really gone,” I cried.

“Shh, you need to calm down. I know it’s hard, but with time, it will get easier. I promise, babe. The funeral director needs to close things up here, so they can transport your mom’s body to the church. Are you ready to leave, or do you want some more time alone with her? I can take Jacob outside again and wait for you.”

I looked into those blue eyes of his and tried my best to smile. “I don’t want you to leave.” I grabbed his hand and turned to face my mother again. “She always liked you.”

“She was a nice woman. I think she liked everyone.”

I shook my head, but never took my eyes away from my mom. “No, she didn’t like everyone. You were the first. She said you were the fresh start that I needed. She said I needed to get far away from this town to be happy. She was right.”

He squeezed my hand, forcing me to look his way. A half smile formed on his mouth as he tried to get me to smile. “I’ve always loved you, Heather.”

“But like you said before, it’s not enough, right?”

Chapter 8

Jessie

Heather had me in a corner, asking me something like that when we were standing there in that situation. How could I hurt her feelings as she was standing next to her dead mother’s body? I wasn’t that much of a douche.

Sure, I was confused about my feelings toward her. One day I knew her and the next she was someone completely different. That wasn’t even touching on the surface of her involvement with Rick. That’s why I wanted to hear the truth from someone else. I felt like in order to give it another go, or call it quits forever, the truth was going to give me that answer. I’d spent too much time already deliberating with myself on what to do. Loving Heather came with complications from the beginning, but I wasn’t about to have my whole life revolve around lies that I was unable to wrap my head around.

So apparently, that girl Van had suffered from cancer. At some point, Heather had given her advice and it had helped her.

Good for Heather.

Van was a kind and attractive woman, it’d be a damn shame if she was taken away too soon from her family and friends. I could see the twinkle in Heather’s eyes when Van showed up at that funeral home. I think she’d given up on having any peaceful interactions with the people from her hometown.

Once we got to the church, after a ten minute ride of Jacob asking all about dead people, which I might add did not go over with his mother, Heather seemed to be in better shape. She said that she was happy so many people showed up and she was finally able to walk up and say her goodbyes. Of course, I saw how hard it was for her. Imagining that it was my own mother made me sad too. My aunt may not have been my real mother, but in my heart she was the only one I had.

Miss Kat was Heather’s lifeline. She kept her daughter safe, no matter what she’d done. She guided her to be a better person and then she became a grandmother, providing the guidance that Heather needed to be a good mother herself. Now, she didn’t have that person to call when she was upset or worried about her son, which meant, like it or not, she was going to rely on me more.

As sneaky as it was, I had to know the truth about her. I had to know that she was someone that I could trust with my heart and my life. Right now, I just felt like I’d been kept in the dark when all I really wanted was the truth.

The church filled quickly with many of the same people that attended the viewing. Right on time they brought in the closed casket and put it up at the alter. Heather and I sat in the front pew. Jacob was being on his best behavior because we stopped on the way and got him chicken nuggets and fries. He swung his feet, seated next me, nibbling on them quietly.

In the years that I’d been with Heather, I’d never come to church with her and her mother since Heather never wanted to go. When we visited we stayed at her mother’s house, never going out to dinner or to shop. The pastor was an older man. He seemed kind enough and his wife and kids were the same way; super friendly and generous. They were making sure the downstairs was set up for the wake while the pastor was doing the service. It already felt like a long day, but it was really just beginning.

Heather had made it through the first difficult step. Now she just needed to get through the rest of the day. Trying as it may be, I knew she could do it. If anyone was strong willed, it was going to be her.

After sitting for more than fifteen minutes, the organist started playing a song and everyone got quiet. I reached over and held Heather’s hand through the service. She needed the support. There was no way I could be a dick to her when she was going through such a trying time.