Love Inspired January 2014 - Bundle 2 of 2: Bayou Sweetheart\The Firefighter's New Family\Season of Redemption (51 page)

She shrugged. “A little, maybe. And you totally sidestepped my question.”

He hadn't meant to. She seemed eager to know, or maybe it was more about how close he was to finishing. And that gave him hope. “I think I'm doing well, but John thinks I'm rushing through it.”

“Are you?”

“I want to move on.” He wanted to move on with her.

She gave him a hard look, one that made him uncomfortable.

“I'm serious, Kel. I'm not blowing this off. Even if I don't talk a lot in group, I listen and try to apply what I hear. When I put my mind to something, I get it done.”

She looked pleased. Sweeping her arm to encompass their surroundings, she smiled. “I can see that.”

He focused on her mouth, wishing they were anywhere but in a room full of people. He cupped her cheek and gently ran his thumb over her full bottom lip. “I know what I feel, too.”

She leaned a little into the palm of his hand. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Ryan might not openly share his feelings, but he didn't question them. “I think I'm falling for you.”

He'd known Sara was the one for him by the time he was sixteen years old. He'd never wavered from that truth. He'd been sure then, and he was sure now.

* * *

Kellie blinked. Had she heard him correctly? Warmth pooled into the pit of her belly. But he couldn't be in love with her after only a few weeks. It was too fast. The advice given by her boss nearly a week ago rang in her ears. Pretty hard to follow it when looking into Ryan's dark eyes.

She wanted to confess the same thing, but something held her back. “I care about you, too.”

Ryan dropped his hand. Obviously that hadn't been the answer he'd wanted to hear. “Well, it's a start, I suppose.”

Kellie tried for clarity of thought. John had said it was too soon to trust Ryan's feelings as stable. “You're the one who promised to wait.”

He smiled. “True.”

She heard the murmur of voices from outside and looked around. “Where's Karl?”

“I don't know. Smoke break?” Ryan peered out the window and then gestured toward the backyard.

She noticed that Dorrie wasn't around either. When she heard the angry sound of raised voices, her stomach sank. “I'll be back.”

Ryan heard them, too, and stood. “I'll go with you.”

“No. I've got this.” Kellie grabbed her coat and flew out the back door.

“You agreed!” Dorrie's voice sliced through the cold night air.

Karl took a menacing step toward his ex-wife. “What did you expect me to do? I wanted to see my kids.”

Kellie stepped between them. “Whoa. There's a houseful in there and they can probably hear you, so let's keep it down. What's going on?”

“My kids have a right to know who I am,” Karl snarled.

“I knew this was a mistake.” Muttering, Dorrie paced the backyard and then glared at Karl. “You ruin everything you touch. Leave them alone.”

“They're my girls.”

“No, they're mine,” Dorrie asserted. “You've never been a father to them. I've struggled to keep a roof over their heads no thanks to you.”

“I did what I could.” Was her brother spoiling for a fight? What was wrong with him? Dorrie had him beat on all fronts.

“Why'd you come here, Karl? Why now?” Dorrie's voice dropped low.

Kellie watched her brother's face change from anger to sorrowful regret before becoming a blank page. He nodded and cursed. “I'm outta here.”

She glanced at Dorrie.

“Let him go. And I don't want to see him back here, either.” Her sister-in-law headed for the house.

Kellie rushed down the driveway toward her brother. It didn't take long to catch up. She reached out and grabbed his arm. “Wait.”

He whipped away from her. “What do you want?”

“What are you trying to do?”

“They're my kids, Kel. She has no right.”

Kellie gasped and then sputtered. “Are you serious? She has every right. Dorrie raised those girls on her own with no child support from you. She could have filed, but didn't. Why's that?”

Her brother shrugged. “I sent her money when I could.”

Kellie knew how infrequent that had been. “Do you realize how showing up with that expensive car is a slap in the face for her? She's struggled, Karl. Dorrie works hard and she's protective. I can't say I blame her. If you're serious about being a dad in their lives, why can't you wait it out until you prove that you're sticking around?”

Her brother shrugged. “I don't have that kind of time.”

Alarm skittered through her. “What are you saying? Are you sick or something?”

His gaze slipped away from hers. “I've always been sick. Just forget it.” He started for his car.

Kellie followed, but fear for him crawled through her insides and chilled her to the bone. “Talk to me, Karl.”

But her brother waved her off like she meant absolutely nothing to him and kept walking.

Tears stung her eyes. She'd worshipped the ground Karl walked on when they were kids. She'd followed him like a puppy dog and he'd never chased her way because he'd watched over her while their parents were at the office or showing houses.

Oh, sometimes he told her to get lost when his friends came over, but if Karl went somewhere, he'd take her along. Sledding, bike rides, she'd been a part of everything he did while their parents were away. He'd been the one to take off her training wheels while Mom and Dad were busy making money.

“There comes a time when you have to stop being scared, Kel,”
he'd told her before unscrewing the bolts on those wheels.

She remembered listening to him, finding strength from the confidence he'd had in her. Why had everything gone wrong when Karl turned thirteen? He'd stopped loving her and she'd been so scared that she'd done something wrong. That she'd pushed him away somehow.

“You okay?” Ryan stood behind her.

She sniffed. “Some counselor I'll make. I can't even get my own brother to talk to me.”

Ryan turned her around and pulled her into his arms. “You're an awesome counselor, Kellie. But you know you can't make anyone talk if they don't want to or if they're not ready. Let him go cool off and then try again.”

She nodded. Her nose fit into the neckline of Ryan's flannel shirt, and she breathed deep the woodsy, cedarlike scent of him.

He kissed the top of her head.

She pulled back. “Thanks.”

“It's okay to need a shoulder to cry on, Kellie. It's okay to need.”

“Not for me, it isn't.”

He shook his head, but he didn't understand how much it hurt to have her needs ignored like they didn't matter. Like she didn't matter. Ryan came from a supportive family with parents who'd always been there for him. Who'd never let him down.

Kellie caressed Ryan's cheek. “You're a good man.”

He turned his head and kissed her palm. “Kel—”

“I'm scared, Ryan. Give me time to trust you, okay?”

He gave her the sweetest look of understanding. “Okay. Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere.”

But only time would tell if that was true.

* * *

By the time Ryan was ready to lock up Dorrie's house and call it a night, there was only him and his brother left. They looked around at the progress they'd made in such a short time.

Sinclair whistled. “This is really shaping up.”

Thinking about what Karl must have put Kellie through, Ryan realized how good he had it. He put a hand on his brother's shoulder. “Thank you. Thanks for being here.”

“Hey, no problem.”

“I'm serious. You've done more than I ever expected. Both you and Hope, but especially you. We wouldn't be this far without your help and the guys you brought out.”

“You're my brother, and Dorrie's a church member. It's the kind of thing we're supposed to do, right?”

Ryan nodded. “Look, when you came home—”

Sinclair held up a hand. “You don't have to say anything. I understand.”

“No, I do have to say it.” Ryan had to get this out. It was part of the process, one of the twelve steps, and something he needed to be released from. “I'm sorry for the way I acted when you came home. I'm sorry I held on to my anger about you leaving.”

Sinclair nodded. “I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me.”

For years Ryan refused to forgive his brother, and he'd turned the dirt on guilt's bitter worm enough. It was never his brother's place to heal this pain. It was God's. Ryan had to give this over to God, because he was done with it. He had to let it go. Ryan pulled his brother into a bear hug. “I forgive you. Please forgive me, too.”

Sinclair squeezed once, really hard, before pulling back. “I do and...I love you, man.”

Ryan laughed. “Okay, now we're getting sappy, but I love you, too.”

Sinclair laughed and then slapped him on the shoulder.

“I think I should talk with the Petersens.” Ryan wanted closure with Sara's parents. He'd avoided them long enough.

“Come to church.”

“Yeah, I will.” Ryan no longer needed to stay away.

He waved good-night to his brother as he checked the builder's trailer to make sure it was locked. Dorrie's place had electricity now, and they'd filled the propane tank so they'd have heat. So far, November had been downright cold.

Ryan climbed into his truck and rubbed his cold hands together. He wasn't sure whether to hope Karl was home at his place or gone completely. Regardless, he fought back anger toward the guy who'd messed up Kellie's head.

Driving down the road, he headed toward town and the mini-mart gas station to fill up his tank. He wouldn't mind one of those hot chocolates either. The glass beer case held no power over him. He was done with that, too.

After paying, Ryan climbed back into his truck and pulled forward. A couple of running vehicles parked in the empty lot next to the mini-mart caught his eye. He narrowed his gaze. One of those cars looked like Karl's.

Ryan watched and waited, for what he didn't know.

Two men talked from their open driver's side windows. And then they exchanged something, waved and pulled out.

Was it Karl?

Ryan shifted into gear and followed the Lexus sedan. Sure enough, the car turned on to Lakeshore Drive. Ryan continued to tail Karl until the guy pulled into the driveway and home. He ignored the ill feeling that nearly overwhelmed him.

Pulling in behind Karl, Ryan parked and got out. “Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

Ryan's mind raced. “You left early.”

Karl shrugged. “Dorrie didn't want me there.”

Ryan wanted to scream at Karl that he'd blown it royally but kept quiet. At least the guy looked like he'd calmed down.

Karl grabbed a small grocery sack and headed up the steps. “I got some chips and pop if you want some.”

“Yeah, sure.” Ryan unlocked his door and they both went inside. Was he making something out of nothing?

Shedding his coat and boots, Ryan went in search of his slippers before starting a fire. Walking by Karl's room, he noticed the door was open and a wad of cash lay on the dresser. One of those bills, the outside one, had Ben Franklin in the middle.

Ryan's stomach dropped to the soles of his feet. Where could Karl have gotten that much cash? What exactly had he witnessed there in that parking lot—a drug deal?

Chapter Eleven

“W
hat happened back there at the mini-mart?” Ryan couldn't let this go. No way.

Karl pulled the bag of chips out of the grocery sack. “What are you talking about?”

“I saw you parked in your car next to another car.”

Karl's eyes narrowed. “Yeah, so? I met with my sponsor.”

That's not what it looked like to Ryan. Didn't sponsors meet with their
clients
over coffee? Drug deals went down in parked cars and empty lots and alley ways. But this was LeNaro. This was Northern Michigan with wide-open spaces, orchards and farmland. There shouldn't be drug dealers up here. “Then what did you exchange?”

“That's none of your business.”

“Hey, you're living in my house. It's my business to know if you're using.”

Karl sneered. “What are you, my father now? I'm way older than you.”

He didn't act like it. Ryan clenched his jaw to keep from arguing with the guy. John had said to be honest, so Ryan stared him down. “Are you using drugs, Karl?”

Kellie's brother launched a vulgar, verbal bomb into the air.

Ryan ignored the expletive and again tamped down his anger. Karl should be thankful that he didn't toss his sorry carcass out the door. For Kellie's sake, Ryan tried a more diplomatic approach. “Look, I'm trying to help you here. Kellie's trying to help—”

“Leave her out of this.”

Ryan was surprised by the fury in Karl's eyes. “You know I can't do that.”

“Fine. Call her. She can check up on me and find out that I met with my sponsor at that mini-mart.” Karl grabbed his chips and pop, headed for his room and slammed the door.

Ryan felt the churning of uncertainty in his gut. Had he been mistaken in what he saw? Running a hand through his hair, Ryan grabbed his cell phone and dialed Kellie. She'd verify her brother's claim. They'd have to figure out what to do if it wasn't true, but either way, Ryan wouldn't sleep until he knew.

* * *

Kellie fidgeted in one of the back pews before church waiting for Ryan when her cell phone vibrated. “Hi, Mom.”

“How's Karl?”

Kellie fought the urge to reply that she was fine and thanks for asking. “As good as can be expected, I suppose.”

“And that guy he's living with, is he okay, I mean a good influence on your brother?”

“Ryan's good.” Kellie wasn't about to tell her mother that Ryan had confronted Karl on what he
thought
he saw last night. Or that they'd agreed to meet early at church to discuss it.

“Hey.” Ryan scooted into the pew next to her.

Kellie nodded. “Mom, I've got to go. Church is going to start soon.”

“Okay, give my love to your brother.”

Kellie rolled her eyes. “Don't you call him?”

“Yes, but you know what I mean. Love you, too, honey.”

She was the afterthought and always had been. Kellie sat back against the pew.

“Everything okay with your folks?”

“Same as ever.”

Kellie turned toward him. She wasn't sure whether to read him the riot act or hug him for his diligence in keeping Karl on the straight and narrow. She'd been shocked by the fierce sense of loyalty to her brother when Ryan had called her last night. She'd even argued with him. She didn't want to accept the possibility of what Ryan had seen. Is that how her parents had felt all those years? But Kellie hadn't ignored Ryan's speculation. She'd called Karl's sponsor and confirmed his story.

“So, am I a jerk?”

She tipped her head. “No, why?”

“You're looking at me like I am.”

“I'm glad you're keeping a close eye on Karl, really I am, but part of me resents it, too. When can I trust his recovery?”

“When will you trust mine?” Ryan laid his hand over hers on the pew.

Her stomach flipped over. It was a good question, one she couldn't answer. Wouldn't answer now. She pulled her hand back. This was about her brother, not them. “I checked with Karl's sponsor and they did meet at the mini-mart around the time you saw him.”

“So where did he get at least one hundred-dollar bill?”

Kellie's hackles rose. “I gave him three hundred dollars.”

“That you don't have.” Ryan's disapproval settled between them like a fence. Tall and strong.

“My first paycheck will make up for it.” It'd take at least another month to see that paycheck, but she'd get by on her teacher's aide pay and credit cards. She wasn't finished working with the second-grade class until the week of Thanksgiving.

Ryan sighed. “Isn't Karl supposed to be looking for work?”

“Yeah, but we both know that takes time, and well, I want to help him as much as I can.” Why did she defend him?

She felt so inadequate sometimes. If she couldn't read between the lines here, with her own brother, what good would she be to the students she hoped to serve?

She'd been through counseling. She had a bachelor's in psychology and now a master's degree as well as training and internships. Kellie knew the drill. She knew what to expect, but that didn't mean she liked it.

She'd always hated the phrase,
once an addict, always an addict but you can live sober
. Hated it because she didn't want the
always
part to be true. It meant one step away from relapse and disaster instead of being cured.

How did a person trust another to remain sober? Karl had relapsed so many times. Maybe he'd never really tried. She believed Karl was sincere this time, but was that enough?

Ryan grabbed her hand again and squeezed. “We're both trying to help him. But it's ultimately up to him to see it through.”

“I know.” She laced her fingers through his, but worry gnawed at her.

Maybe she should have stayed home from church this morning. She could have taken Karl out to breakfast so they could have talked. She could have made sure he was okay about Dorrie.

Kellie vaguely heard the church bell ring, announcing the start of the service. She stood along with the rest of the congregation as the worship team belted out their first of many songs that blurred in her mind.

At greeting time, Kellie shook hands with those around her while Ryan made a beeline for the Petersens. Teresa Petersen gave him a hug, and Kellie guessed that Ryan was finally going to talk to them about Sara. That he was making plans to do so. Ryan was sincere, too, but was that enough for her to believe in him and trust him with her future?

With her heart?

By the time everyone was seated for the scripture reading from 1 Corinthians 13, Kellie opened her Bible to follow along and verse 7 jumped out at her.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance
.

Over and over she read that verse. The translation wasn't the same as what was being read, but Kellie knew this version was meant for her. She'd learned to expect the worst from people—her folks, her brother—and she feared she'd do the same with Ryan. She'd find a way to ruin their relationship if he didn't do it first.

She closed her eyes and breathed a crushing prayer for help.
Please Lord, show me how to believe
.

* * *

Ryan slipped back into the pew next to Kellie. He took her hand and held fast, glad she didn't let go. Glad he'd finally asked the Petersens if he could talk with them. Glad he'd been wrong about Kellie's brother.

Last night after he'd finished his phone conversation with Kellie, he'd remembered the bottle of pain meds pushed to the back of the narrow linen closet in his bathroom. Sure enough, the prescription meds he'd been given for his wisdom teeth were still there and intact.

He threw them in the trash outside and sealed up the bag ready for Monday's pickup while mentally kicking himself for not tossing them sooner. If Karl had found them, it could have been bad. But if Karl had seen them and left them alone, well, then maybe Kellie was right about Karl's seriousness in working his recovery.

Throughout Sinclair's message, Ryan kept a hold of Kellie's hand. He didn't want to let go. Ever. Silly maybe, but although he'd promised to wait, he hoped it wouldn't be long before he could pursue her. And love her openly.

When they stood to sing the hymn “Blessed Assurance” as the last song before exiting the church, Kellie glanced at him and smiled. In that moment, Ryan wanted a new future. One that stretched ahead of him for a lifetime filled with Kellie next to him singing hymns with her slightly off-key voice.

And then it hit him what Sara had meant before she'd died, and that understanding made his knees weak and his eyes burn. Had God revealed this truth, or had Ryan's ears finally opened up to hear God's voice whisper through his heart? Either way, he was grateful.

Overwhelmed by the clarity in his soul and the lump in his throat, Ryan squeezed Kellie's hand and closed his eyes. Maybe now, he could finally let Sara go. It's what she'd have wanted. She'd wanted him to be free to love again. That reality made him tremble.

Kellie leaned close. “Hey, is everything okay?”

He nodded, not sure he could speak. With service breaking up and folks filling the aisles, this wasn't the place to pull Kellie into his arms and explain. It'd keep for later.

“I saw you with the Petersens at greeting time.”

Ryan wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat, but his voice felt thick as he said, “Yeah. I'm heading over there in a little bit.”

Kellie smiled up at him with what looked like pride, and as they made their way toward the back of the church, she leaned close again. “Call me if you need me. You know, like after you get back.”

“Thanks. I will.” He had a lot to tell her.

* * *

Ryan drove home from the Petersens' against a bracing wind that had suddenly whipped up. He was emotionally spent but felt good. He felt free. The sky loomed low and dark. It suddenly dumped tiny white crystals of sleet that ricocheted off his windshield and danced along the road until lines of it formed on the tarmac's shoulder. A good day to stay inside by the fire.

With Kellie.

Ryan almost laughed. And her brother...

He slowed down to pull into his driveway and noticed that Karl's Lexus wasn't there. Not unusual. Kellie had said they might go out to lunch. Stepping inside the quiet house, Ryan shucked off his jacket and checked the answering machine. No messages. He stacked kindling onto the grate and lit a match then smiled with satisfaction when, seconds later, yellow flames licked the dry pieces of wood.

After throwing a log onto the now-crackling fire, Ryan went into his room to change into sweats. Sleet beat against the windows, echoing through the still house. The door to Karl's room was wide open. Odd.

Ryan peeked inside.

The bed had been made, but there was no clutter on the dresser like usual. Stepping farther into the bedroom, Ryan flung open the closet door. It was empty, too. Next he checked the dresser drawers. All empty.

Dashing back into the living room, Ryan looked around. His heart pumped with regret. Had he caused the guy to take off without so much as a note? And then he zeroed in on a single piece of paper in the kitchen near the sink. He grabbed it and read.

Ryan,

Thanks for letting me bunk here awhile, but I can't stay. Old habits are too strong and I can't be what I want to be. Take care of Kellie. All I came for was my kids. I wanted to see them one last time.

K.

Ryan crinkled the note in his hands as dread filled the pit of his stomach. Grabbing his cell phone, he dialed Dorrie.

When she didn't pick up, he got worried. Really worried.

He reread the last two lines and was nearly sick.
Please God, not that
.

He tried Karl's number and it also went straight to voice mail. Scratching his head, Ryan knew something was wrong. He dialed Kellie, knowing it was a waste of time but hoping beyond hope that her brother was there, with her.

“Hey.” Her voice sounded soft.

“Is Karl with you?”

“No, why?”

“He's gone, Kellie.”

He heard her sigh. “He always does this.”

“Call Dorrie and make sure she's alright.”

“Why?” There was real panic in her voice now.

“Because he left a weird note.”

“I'll be right over.”

“I'm calling the police.”

“No. Ryan, wait until I talk to Dorrie.”

What if they didn't have time? He hadn't spoken out against that stunt with the tractor and Sara ended up dead. He wasn't going to ignore his gut feeling this time. He faced a no-win situation but had to act. Hesitation might make all the difference in the safety of those two little girls. No way was he risking that.

“I'm calling them, Kel.”

By the time Ryan got off the phone with 911, Kellie had pulled into the driveway. He met her at the door. “Did you get a hold of Dorrie?”

Kellie shook her head as she walked inside looking scared.

He handed her the crumpled note. “The sheriff's office is sending a car to her place to be sure. I didn't know Dorrie's address, only that she lived in a mobile home the other side of a field next to Three Corner Community Church. I also told them about her Church Hammers house.”

Kellie's face paled after she read her brother's cryptic letter, but she raised a defiant chin. “Karl is not violent. He wouldn't hurt those girls.”

“Would he take them?” Ryan imagined all kinds of things happening, none of them good. “Call Dorrie again.”

Kellie did as instructed but got the same result. “Voice mail.”

Ryan heard the knock at the door and opened it to a law enforcement officer.

“Ryan Marsh? I'm Deputy Williams. Can I come in?”

“Yes, yes, please.” Ryan led the deputy to the couch and tried to breathe. Worry had a way of choking off air. “This is Kellie Cavanaugh, Karl's sister. Have a seat.”