Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) (2 page)

Email
address: [email protected]

Password:
the date we first met

Yours
forever,

Matt

“Give me a phone.”

“We may not have
service,” Nate says.

“Stop stalling me,
and give me a damn phone or I’ll jump out of this Jeep and find
someone else who will.”

Aiden shares a look
with Nate, and then hands me his phone. I bring up the browser, and
almost cry when I see the two bars. I bring up Google, log Aiden out,
and then log into the account Matt gave me. What I see brings those
tears I was trying to hold back—thousands of emails, the last one
dated yesterday. I go to the oldest page and see that the first one
is from over eleven years ago. On the day that Matt broke my heart
for the first time. I take a deep breath, and click on it, both
hopeful and scared of what I’m about to learn.

Reina,

I did something
today. Something I don’t think I can live with. It was an accident,
but that makes it even worse. I was with my unit when we were
attacked, and I started shooting at everything, everywhere. And I hit
him—I shot an innocent man. A man who has a family, a wife and two
small children. I don’t know why he walked into that intersection
when he had to have heard the guns. Maybe he thought he could help,
even though he didn’t have a weapon. His wife said that he was a
good man, one who was opposed to the war. I went to see her, and
promised to provide for her and the children for the rest of their
lives. I know it can’t make up for what I did, but I had to do
something. She said she doesn’t blame me, but how can that be true?
I killed her husband. I killed him. My CO says I need to stay quiet
about it, that it would be bad press if it got out, but that’s not
right. People should know. You should know. I can’t tell you,
though. Not ever. I wouldn’t survive having you look at me like the
monster I know I am. I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive living
the rest of my life without you, but I have to. I can’t have you
anymore. I don’t deserve happiness, and everything about you makes
me happy. I’m going to break up with you. I have to. It’s going
to break me, but I have no choice. I’ll never be able to call you
My Beautiful Queen again, and I’ll never get to hold you or make
love to you. Someone else will get to do those things while I stay
away, and love you from afar. There will be no one else for me,
because I’ve already had the best.

I love you,

Matt

* * *

Between eleven and twelve years ago…

I
can’t wait to get home and check my email. Today is the day I get
my email from Matt. He never misses a week, and I live for those
words from him. I can’t wait until he can come home again—I’m
going crazy waiting for him. Reading his emails, and knowing he’s
missing me, too, is what keeps me going.

I
rush through the door to the apartment Jane Corrigan put me in, and
turn on my computer. I could’ve used one at the Foundation, but I
like to be alone when I read the words of love Matt sends me. We
don’t write anything scandalous, but our words are still intimate,
meant only for each other.

I
bring up my email, and smile when I see the email notification. The
smile falls from my face as I read the words he’s written. No. This
isn’t right. Matt loves me. He told me he loves me, and he’s said
it in every email since he left. He wouldn’t want to see other
women. He couldn’t. But it’s there on my screen, the letters
blurring as I view them through my tears.

I think we should
see other people. I’m sorry, Reina. It’s really not you. Take
care of yourself, Matt.

I
straighten my spine, and force myself to stop crying. I’m not some
silly girl anymore. I’m a member of the Society, and I can get
through this. Even though I know I’ll have to see Matt because of
Jane, I’ll survive. If I mean so little to him, then I’ll make
him mean nothing to me. I don’t know how, but I will

* * *

Reina

I’m practically
skipping as I enter the Corrigan & Co. building. Last night, Matt
finally admitted that he loves me. We made love for hours after that,
and he let me sleep in while he got up to go into work. I should be
able to catch him for lunch if I hurry.

One of the security
guards stops me before I get on the elevator. “Mrs. Corrigan, your
husband asked me to have you meet him in his office once you
arrived.”

“Thank you,” I tell
him with a smile.

I take the elevator up,
straightening my white sweater dress a little. It’s got a cowl neck
and a long skirt, and I feel pretty, and feminine in it. I usually
dress to intimidate, but today I just wanted to dress like a wife. A
wife who’s loved.

Matt’s secretary
waves me through, and I walk in prepared to molest my husband. That
plan goes out the door when I see that he’s not alone. One of the
Corrigan attorneys is standing at the side of his desk.

“Hi,” I say looking
at Matt, who won’t look back at me.

“Hello, Reina. Are
you ready to sign your life away, literally?” the lawyer asks.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s been one year
today. I have the divorce papers ready for you to sign. Matt’s done
his part already.”

“You signed them?”
I ask Matt. He doesn’t answer me, but I see it on his face. He did
it. “You signed.”

“Of course he signed.
This was a marriage of convenience, after all. Here’s your pen.”

I don’t remember my
legs moving, but I’m all of a sudden standing next to him, holding
my hand out. Convenient? No. Nothing about this past year has been
convenient. Frustrating, hopeful, sad, fun, and sexy, but not
convenient.

I take the pen and sign
in all the places he tells me to. “Congratulations. I just need to
file these, and then there’s the waiting period, but you’ll be
officially free of each other soon.”

I drop the pen onto the
floor, and walk out. I hear people greeting me, and I force myself to
answer as I make my way to the Foundation. I manage to smile for
Alex, and tell her I need a little time alone to go over some files.
I walk at a normal pace to my office, but once I close the door, it’s
all over.

I use voice controls to
turn off the cameras, and listening devices, and then I sink to the
floor. I scream and cry, and then I destroy. I throw our wedding
picture into the wall, and then go to work on everything else.
Everything but my desk. I need my computer. The rest of the office
looks like a tornado came through, but it’s not enough.

I’m
not enough, and now I know that I never will be. It’s time to do
the only thing I can—take on the mission that will end my life. I’d
never kill myself, but nothing’s stopping me from taking the one
assignment that I should never even get close to. I was asked for
help, but even the person asking knew I couldn’t personally help
without putting myself at risk. Which is why it’s perfect for me
now.

I email her, and then
put everything in place. I’ll have one hour to get out of town
before everyone realizes what I’ve done. I’m going to miss my
friends, but I can’t stay here any longer. I can’t be here,
watching Matt parade his women in front of me again. I let him fool
me twice, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I put that smile back
on as I seal my office and tell Alex I have an unexpected
appointment. She doesn’t question the sunglasses on my face, even
though I can tell she wants to. I make it out of the building and
into my car without any problems, and then drive to the private
airfield. It’s time for the end to begin, once and for all.

* * *

Matt

I’m on my third glass
of Scotch when the alarm on my desk goes off. It’s a distress
signal from the Society, and I’m running for the door before it
ends its chime. I make it into the Foundation offices, and find
chaos. I follow Alex into the conference room, only to notice that
Reina isn’t there. My grandmother is in her place at the head of
the table, and my stomach drops.

“Where is Reina?”

“She’s gone. That’s
what the alarm is for.”

No. Oh God no. No. “How
can she be gone? She’s in charge.”

“She deactivated
herself. She had it on a delayed timer, so it didn’t take effect
until she was already too far away for anybody to go after her,”
Ainsley says.

“You have to know
where she was when it deactivated.”

“Yes. She was in the
air. My team is trying to find the plane, and they’re also trying
to recover what they can from what’s left of her hard drive and
email.”

“She destroyed her
computer?”

“She destroyed her
whole office. She broke everything that wasn’t bolted to the
floor,” Faith tells me.

“We’ve got
something,” Ainsley says before I can ask any more questions. She’s
looking down at her tablet, and all of a sudden there’s an email up
on the screen.

It seems
straightforward. A nun is asking for help because her convent is
being threatened by a trafficker. Audrey stands up so fast that her
chair topples over, which tells me there’s more to it.

“No. Jane…no. She
didn’t. Why did she go? Oh my God.”

“I don’t know,
Audrey.”

“What is it? What’s
wrong with Reina going on a mission? I know she’s out of practice,
but she’s still tough.”

My grandmother
practically collapses into her chair before answering. “What’s
wrong is that the man who’s terrorizing the convent is the man we
saved Reina from twelve years ago.”

“Saved her? What the
hell are you talking about?”

It’s Audrey who
answers. “I had just been recruited into what would become the
Society when I met a woman on the bus. She was crying, and something
drew me to her. I took her to a diner, and after getting her some
food, she told me about her daughter. A beautiful girl who was taken
by the Coyote who helped the family cross the border. They had paid
him, but once he saw Reina, he wanted a different kind of payment.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“Yes he was. And is.
Reina was the first official Society mission, and we got her out. She
would never tell us if he raped her—.”

“He didn’t,” I
blurt out. “I was her first.”

“I guess I needed to
know that, but then again, I really didn’t.”

“Sorry, Gram.”

“As I was saying, we
got her out, but without killing him.”

“That’s my fault. I
couldn’t do it. I should’ve done it,” Audrey says, looking like
she’s going to break down.

“It was everyone’s
first mission. You got Reina out, and that is what’s important,”
my grandma tells her.

“You know he was
obsessed with her. If he sees her, he’ll do whatever he can to have
her again.”

“Why would she do it,
though? She had to know it was a suicide mission,” Jade says.

“I don’t know. It
had to be bad, whatever it was. Her office, deactivating herself. I
never thought she would leave. Something had to have happened.”

“It did,” I say,
and feel all of their eyes on me. “I gave her our divorce papers
today. I sent her over the edge, and now you need to tell me what
we’re going to do to get her back.”

Reina,

I know I’m the
biggest asshole on the planet right now, but I just couldn’t help
it. I bought you a yellow diamond because I know you hate the color
yellow. I also bought you a yellow diamond necklace and tiara to wear
on our wedding day. It’s fucked up, and I saw the hurt you tried to
hide when I gave you the ring tonight. You put on a happy face as
everyone told you how gorgeous the ring is, but I know you hate it. I
spent almost a million dollars on that ring, knowing full well you’d
hate it, but not being able to stop myself. This wedding is fake—it’s
what we agreed to—and I have to show you that. I can’t let you
know how much I wish it was real, or give you false hope for a future
together. As much as I love you, and long to have you as my wife for
real, I know that will never happen. And so I bought you a ring I
knew you’d hate, praying that it will make you hate ME, and stop
looking at me like there’s a chance for us, when I know there
isn’t. Please know I’m sorry for adding one more thing to the
list of asshole moves I’ve done to push you away. I had no choice.

Yours always,

Matt

* * *

A few months ago…

Matt
walks me into Tiffany’s, telling me he has a surprise for me. We’ve
been having a rough time after everything that happened with Darcy
and the mentors. I know he wants to apologize, and I guess he thinks
jewelry will help.

As
soon as we step inside, a man walks over and leads us to a private
office. Once we’re seated, he pulls a tray of jewelry from his
desk. The smile on his face is genuine, as the one on my face
freezes.

Every
piece of jewelry he’s showing me features yellow diamonds. Some are
just the one stone, and some are clusters around other white or
colored stones. My motherfucking bastard of a husband has a smile on
his face, too.

“
Which
one do you want, Rei? You can have anything, you can have them all if
you’d like.”

I
draw upon the strength I’ve had to tap into more and more over the
last few months, and refuse to cry. I know Matt and I were only
together for two weeks all those years ago, but he teased me so much
about hating the color yellow, that he has to remember. How can he
not remember that I wouldn’t even sit on a yellow chair in the food
court at the mall?

They’re
both waiting for me to say something, and the smile has slipped a
little from the other man’s face. I have to speak up, but what the
hell am I supposed to say? I can’t go home with anything on that
tray. I just can’t.