Mend the Seams (16 page)

Even as the days pass by and it becomes easier to smile, my heart still bleeds because it’s so tattered and torn. But, it is becoming easier. Carly accepting me as a friend was the ice breaker that gave me the chance to test the waters to see if I was prepared to be a friend, to open myself up to relationships I never saw coming. Take Colton for instance; he made my life a living hell as kids, bullying me just for fun. And he sure as hell didn’t throw me a welcome home party when I moved back to Willamstown. Carly was the building block to the foundation of our friendship. It took proving to Colton that I knew where I stood in Carly’s life for him to loosen up and put his indifferences with me aside.

Carly’s friendship, her trust and faith in me also brought Savannah into my life. The moment I first laid eyes on her that day in the diner I could see the scars all over her. Not visible scars, but the scars that she carries from the years of heartache and abuse. As my friendship grew with Colton, I found Savannah in my presence more and the scars became more visible. Bruises hidden beneath makeup and heavy sweaters, small defensive cuts on her hands. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and shield her from the pain, erase the scars from her mind, but I resisted. Until I couldn’t resist any longer. The perfect storm. Our worlds collided at the most imperfect time. We have a beautifully flawed relationship but I want more. I want beautifully perfected, but Savannah ain’t ready to dust off her heart and prepare it for true love. Savannah is still bent and broken, but one day, one day I’ll mend the seams if she’ll let me.

Therapy Session #6

“Good afternoon, Josh.” Dr. Hampton says as she gets comfortable, placing her legal pad in her lap.

“Hey, doc.” I tip my head up towards her.

“Josh, you look much better than you did just days ago when I saw you unexpectedly. Are you resting any better?” She asks repositioning the glasses on her face.

“Not really, but it is what it is.” How the fuck anybody can rest on this damn newspaper thin mattresses is beyond me. I often wonder if the fuckin’ concrete floor wouldn’t be more comfortable.

“I see. Have you given any more thought to signing the Divorce Petition?”

“That’s all I’ve thought about.”

“And what conclusion have you come to, Josh?”

“Do you realize what I’m losing, doc? This ain’t turnin’ a fuckin’ dog into the pound. This is me sayin’ I no longer wish to be married to my wife. This is me agreeing that that part of my life is over. I don’t think I can accept that.”

“Josh, have you considered Savannah and your children at all?”

“What the hell kinda question is that?” Did she seriously just ask me that? Hell yes I’ve considered Savannah and the kids. I’ve considered the fact that my kids will grow up fatherless. I’ve also considered the fact that Savannah will eventually move on with her life. She’s mine. There’s too much to risk by agreeing to a divorce. I’d rather drag her ass through court for the next five fuckin’ years before givin’ in.

“I know this upsets you, Josh. But we are working together to help you. You need to hear the truth from someone, so it might as well be me. You are only causing Savannah and your children more heartache by holding onto something that is already gone. You need to come to terms with reality, Josh. You are facing twenty-five years to life in prison. Your children will be grown with their own families by the time you’re released. Savannah deserves a chance at life, Josh. I want you to think about the pain you’ve caused your family, then I want you to try to be selfless for them, just once. The decision is fully yours. I can’t force you to do anything. But it is my job to open your eyes to the error of your ways and help you cope with your wrong doings.”

My face flames with heat and I have to grit my teeth together to control myself from lashing out at her. I don’t wanna hear this shit. But I know she’s right. After Savannah left the jail last week, I had somewhat of a meltdown. After a swift trip to the emergency room, I was able to see Dr. Hampton. To be honest I’m not sure why I requested to talk with her, perhaps I’m beginning to trust her judgment? I don’t know. I told Dr. Hampton about Savannah’s visit and it was clear how distraught I was after seein’ her.

Dr. Hampton listened to me express my feelings, then she told me the cold hard truth, just like she did moments ago. Dr. Hampton said
‘in her professional opinion’
it isn’t the idea of losing Savannah that bothers me, so much as losing the control over Savannah. She said that I exhibit an intense craving to control someone, stripping them of their pride, strength and dignity. I’ve thought about that a lot over the last several days, and deep down, I know she’s right. I just don’t know if I can selflessly let her go.

“Moving on. We’ve discussed many things in our sessions together, Josh. But the one topic you always seem to dance around is Drew.”

“And I’ve fuckin’ told you, that’s not up for discussion.” I bark loudly. 

“What are you hidin’ from, Josh?”  Dr. Hampton continues to push me in the wrong direction and I’ve had enough.

“I’m done with this shit today.”

“Josh, I really wish you’d let me help you. Drew’s had his clutches in you far too long, and it’s clearly evident that he’s the Puppet Master in the relationship. Why are you so loyal to him, Josh? Talk to me!” Dr. Hampton doesn’t relent.

“You need to let me work this shit out in my own head. I can’t just lay it all out there like it’s some fuckin’ fairytale, because it’s aint. Our friendship is dark and sinister. Drew has done unimaginable things for me and I’m indebt to him and probably always will be.” I’ve already said too much. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at her furiously.

“Okay, Josh. I won’t pry any further. I understand this is a very sensitive matter for you, and I don’t want to cause you more stress. I can only hope that in time you will confide in me enough to share the details behind your relationship with Drew. We are scheduled to meet weekly, but at any time you feel ready to discuss Drew Varney please let one of the guards know.”

I cross my arms under my head and concentrate on the flickering fluorescent bulb that’s about to blow any minute now, counting out reps quietly to myself.
One hundred twenty six, one hundred twenty seven, one hundred twenty eight…
The incessant buzzing noise has become music to my ears, lulling me to dream when my restless mind won’t give way to sleep. For the second time in my life – that I can actually remember – I’m battling a flood of emotions that has me wrecked.

Twenty-five years to life. That’s just what I’m facing as it stands…I’m sure once the Feds dig deeper into my background the charges will just continue to grow. It’d be my fuckin’ luck.

Dr. Hampton has worked tirelessly with me tryin’ to sort through what fucked me into the monster that I am. Truth is, I don’t need help figurin’ it out. I know what fucked me up, who fucked me up. But the truth is too depraved to voice. I own it and although there isn’t a day that goes by that it doesn’t gnaw a little more of me away, I’ll do whatever I can to take that fuckin’ shit to the grave.

The monster inside me is the product of wicked manipulation. Evelyn Hager stripped me of my innocence with her sadistic sexual abuse. In that years’ time I lost sight of who I was inside. I began to push everyone away, my grades dropped significantly and I quit sports. My parents were concerned that I was addicted to drugs…I could have only been so fuckin’ lucky. At least then enduring her assault would’ve been clouded with toxic chemicals instead of staying freshly vivid in my mind.

Drew, being my closest childhood friend never gave up on me, he refused to let me shut him out. He knew something terrible was causing the changes, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit the truth to anyone. My world did a complete one eighty on the fateful day that Drew walked in bearing witness to the abuse. His demeanor was the usual calm and calculated that he always displayed; impressive for that of a sixteen year old. Yet the fury in his eyes and venom lacing his voice was a drastic contrast to the Drew I’d always known. Even I felt the fear behind his warning. He saved me from any further humiliation and abuse, threatening to expose Evelyn as a child-molester if she ever came near me again.

Although I was mortified that Drew had caught me in my most vulnerable state, I was thankful that he so brazenly put an end to my suffering.

Oh but how the suffering was only to begin.

Little did I know that his salvation would come with a price: a debt due that he’d forever hold over me. Drew recognized my compliancy, taking Evelyn’s manipulation and abuse as his own. He was methodic in his deceptions. His control developed slowly through time, urging me to break curfew, then coercing me to lie and steal money from my parents. It all seemed petty at the time, cover one little white lie with another, and I was too naïve to realize the destructive path he was leading me down. I put my trust in my best friend, sure that he’d never lead me astray. I allowed my loyalty to overshadow his deceit.
Three eighty seven, three eighty eight, three eighty nine.

Drew Varney’s claws will never descend from my flesh. The heinous acts I’ve delivered at his requests are unspeakable. Not only because of the guilt I bear for such acts, but because Drew always finds a way to walk away from every fuckin’ situation smellin’ like a damn rose. I’ll only bury myself in the darker pits of hell by coming forward with our crimes and as prideful a man that I am, I truly believe death would be less painful than carrying the burden of my sins.

The dark hatred that I own for Drew is pure and natural. He created the monster within me without conviction and because of him I’ll suffer indefinitely. Because of Drew I’ve lost the only beauty I’ve been graced with in this life. The torture and suffering Savannah received at my hand will forever haunt me. I love her yet I fuckin’ hate every breath she takes because I know I don’t deserve her. I’ve always wanted to claim her, mind, body and soul, receiving her love and letting the beauty of her light cast my demons astray. But that perfection is only an illusion in my world. I can see it, but each time I reach out to grasp it, it’s tugged from my reach, denying me the one thing I hunger for the most. The cruel twisted animal that I am deserves no redemption, my sin can’t be forgiven. I’ve accepted my fate and the reckoning that’s due.

“Five hundred!” I roar thunderously as I draw in my last sit up. Cold beads of sweat drip from my forehead and I rest my elbows on my knees inhaling slowly as my breathing regulates. A low whistle resonates through the dimly lit halls, a little jingle filtering into the sound with every other step. As the guard strolls past my cell I call out, “Hughes, need a favor.”

Hughes turns on his heel and glowers back at me. “Ah yeah? Favors cost in here, man.”

“Has it ever been a fuckin’ issue in the past?” I ask him, tilting my head curiously. I grip the cool, rusted metal roughly in my hands, the knuckles of my scraped fist white with tension.

“What’cha want, Moore? I’ll see what I can do.”

“Need ya to call James McCoy and tell him it’s urgent.” Hughes eyes me suspiciously, running his fingers against his day old five o’clock shadow.

“That’s it? Call your attorney? Have you finally fuckin’ lost it, Moore?” He chuckles.

“Fuckin’ make the call now before I change my damn mind.”

I know I’ve lied to myself over how I feel about Luke, but I never dreamed the feeling was mutual. Now I’m scared more than ever because I can’t give him want he deserves. Not only am I still battling Josh for divorce, but I don’t know that I’m ready to move on. I’m stuck in limbo.

Colton decided to pamper Carly with a Momma’s Day Out. Being the selfless big Sister that I am, I happily agreed to go with her. Wouldn’t want her to suffer from boredom or loneliness while sitting through a daunting pedicure. And to be quite honest, I could use a little pampering myself – not to mention some breathing room from Luke. He was less than pleased with our plans and had a hard time loosening the leash, worried something might happen to me while left in a vulnerable state without his constant protection. But Colton assured him that Carly and I would be safe together.

“Sweet heavens, it’s been too long since I’ve been able to enjoy silence!” Carly giggles. “Silence used to drive me insane, ya know. Now I can’t get enough of it. It’s either a screamin’ baby, loud mouth seven year old or mining machinery blaring in my ear. So this is so very nice.” She relaxes into the massage chair, grinning like the Cheshire cat as her eyes drift closed.

This is quite nice. I’ve always kept my appearance up with frequent spa treatments and having my hair colored and trimmed often. But I haven’t treated myself since this summer and it’s terribly apparent. My hair is ragged with dry, dead ends and little specks of silver glistening under bright light. I’m too damn young for greys, but stress will do it to ya, for sure. My nails are brittle, yellowing and chipped. I look like hell in a hand basket, which ain’t a pretty sight.

“Luke’s not givin’ ya much space these days, is he?” Carly says, startling me from my lulled state.

“I’m shocked he ain’t lurking about the salon somewhere, or peeking through the window checking on me.” I laugh, rolling my suddenly heavy eyes.

“Yeah, he’s a bit over protective of the ones he loves. That’s just Luke.”

“Please don’t say that, Carly.” The mood between us shifts from light airy conversation to a thick lingering tension. She knows how Luke and I feel about each other, only Luke is being completely open and honest about his feelings, while I’m pretending mine are non-existent. So I believe Carly has taken it upon herself to persuade me in Luke’s direction.

“Savannah, just tell me what you’re so scared of. Luke is a good man. He has done everything he can to show you how dedicated he is to you.” She says quietly, resting her arm upon mine.

“Carly, please. I deal with all of this shit day in, day out. One day. That’s all I’m begging you for is one day that I can set my mind at ease, enjoying a few hours of soothing relaxation without allowing everything else to overshadow this little bit of rest.” I beg, frustration breaking through my voice. Carly sighs in defeat, changing the topic to mindless chatter. 

After we’ve been pampered and primped to the nines, we make our way home to our ordinary lives as mommas. “This was fun, Savannah. Thanks for coming with me.” Carly says, keeping her focus on the winding road.

“I had a good time, and my hair thanks you for it. It was in desperate need of some TLC.” I reply, checking my phone for any missed calls or text messages. Looking up, I notice we’re headed in the opposite direction. My brow quirks up in confusion and I glance over at Carly who’s focus never veers from the road, yet she’s chewing on her lip fiercely. “Are we makin’ our great escape?” I kid, trying to break the quiet tension that fills the air.

“Oh, I was gonna stop by your house real quick. I think I may have left my favorite grey sweater in the closet when I moved, so I just want to check.”

Unlocking the front door, Carly steps in behind me, making her way upstairs to her old bedroom. I carry the mail into the kitchen, placing it in the Longaberger basket then grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Minutes later Carly pads back down the stairs. Finding me in the kitchen she helps herself to a glass of sweet tea from the fridge then plants her ass on the counter. “No luck?” I ask.

“Nope, I’ve probably overlooked it.” Carly shrugs casually.

“Well let’s get back to your house. I’m sure Colton and Luke are tuggin’ their hair loose dealin’ with the kids. Can you imagine the mess we’re bound to walk into?” I reply with a laugh. The image of Colton and Luke gagged and tied to chairs flashes before my eyes as Heidi Jo, Braden and Brailee filter into the vision, snickering wildly-amused over their triumphant takeover of the two huge, yet weak minded men.
Yep, we better save these suckers.

“Oh, they’re fine. I called and checked in on them while I was upstairs. Colton said they’d be firin’ up the grill in about an hour, so that gives us a little time to chat.” She grins wickedly.

Damn it, I knew she wasn’t upstairs lookin’ for a frickin’ sweater. Huffing loudly, I grab my water and stomp off to the living room.

“You’re hilarious, Savannah. You think leavin’ the room is gonna end your problems?” Carly laughs as she falls back in the recliner. “Come on, Sis, let’s talk it out…what has you runnin’ in the opposite direction of Luke?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps the fact that I’m still legally married to that bastard, Josh. ‘Member him? Yeah, he’s the one who nearly beat us both into oblivion.” I snap back at her.

“Savannah, you won’t be married forever, sweets.”

“At this point, I’m not so sure.” I roll my eyes, begging the tears to keep at bay. “Besides, I do have some trust issues I need to work through before I decide to open myself up to any man.”

“Trust? Savannah how much more trust do you need with Luke? He rescued you when Josh nearly killed us both. He sat vigil by you from the moment he found you until you ran him off, then he still found himself returning to the swing just to be close to you. Hell, he stays in your home now. What would change exactly?”

Yeah, sweets, what?

Damn, she’s got me there.

A million different things. Some things that I’m really not comfortable voicing to Carly, because they’re just too personal.

How the hell do you plan to heal these wounds if you don’t let all this anguish out?

Damn my conscience has a sharp tongue, and sadly it’s usually right. I curl up in the corner of the couch, getting comfortable before getting into all this shit with her.

“Carly, you have no idea the abuse I suffered at Josh’s hand. It went further than just slappin’ me around or calling me names. Josh evoked a fear in me that I just can’t seem to overcome. The control he held over me, I don’t think it will ever vanish.”

“And that’s what Luke’s fought so hard to protect you from! Savannah don’t you see it?”

“I know that Luke would never harm me the way Josh did, but it’s hard to let him in right now. I feel like I have to guard myself just to be safe.”

“How do you know if you don’t give him a chance? You said it yourself that he would never hurt you. You don’t make much sense.” Carly’s voice raises as she prepares her argument.

“You wouldn’t understand, Carly. You’ve never abused like this. You’ve never been raped!” I yell it out without even realizing it. That’s the darkest secret I carry with me and I never intended to voice it. I hang my head appallingly, pushing back the tears.
Don’t you dare cry another damn tear over that bastard!

“Actually, Savannah, that’s where you’re wrong.” Carly says sitting down beside me. She laces her fingers through mine then looks up at me sorrowfully. “I’ve never shared this with anyone but Colton, because it’s a violently disturbing memory that I wish I could forget.” She sighs, her chest shaking with fear as she blinks back the tears, holding her head high as she speaks. “I was raped just after I moved to Myrtle Beach, and that cost me and Colton our first born child. It’s hard to overcome, I won’t deny that. I nearly lost myself, so consumed with an array of emotions that my world seemed to fade to black. I’ll never forget my little angel, but I was so determined to find my way back to me because I deserved my happiness. You have to fight through the anguish and rise above it. It took me a while but I did it and so can you.”

I’m so shocked by her revelation. I didn’t know she was pregnant. Oh heavens, she was so young! My heart aches that she lost such a huge part of her and Colton due to such a depraved event. Carly continues to tell me about how she nearly gave up on life but she realized that although this world is full of hate and ugliness that you have to look past the darkness and find the beauty. She’s so admirable. Carly has always been more resilient between the two of us, and I wish I could steal away just an ounce of her strength.

Since she shared her story with me, I feel a little more comfortable with opening up about Josh’s abuse. I don’t think Carly was prepared to hear what I went through no matter how bad she wanted to know. Perhaps she didn’t realize just how bad the abuse was? I always kept my veil perfectly in place, hiding the bruises and scars. Apparently I didn’t hide them good enough, because Luke ended up seeing them all. But I’m grateful that he did.

“Can you just be honest with me for a second? How does Luke make you feel?” Carly asks inquisitively.

“Confused.” I shrug. There’s no other way to explain it all. I know there is something there, but until this divorce is finalized I can’t begin to sift through my emotions.

“Think of it like this…if your divorce was final and Josh was just a faded memory. How would you feel then?”

“Are you ever gonna drop this? I don’t know how I’d feel, Carly. Besides, there is still your past with Luke that hangs over my head, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“You can’t be serious, Savannah.” Carly stares at me in shock. I glare back at her silently, tongue tied and tense in the moment. “Luke and I are just friends. I know that if I need to confide in him, I can. Yes, we shared one night together, but that one night was a drunken mistake that nearly cost me the most important man in my life.” Carly reassures and I feel stupid for even bringing it up. To be honest, I think I’d rather find any excuse not to let Luke in just to keep my heart safe. She bats her mascara laden lashes, heavy with disgraceful tears that brim her hazel eyes. “But Sis, the way he looks at you is truly mesmerizing. He looks at you as if you stole the breath from his lungs, as if you’re the only person in his sight. Luke is head over heels for you, Savannah and he’s never gonna relent until he has you.”

“Savannah! This is Michele, how are you?” Michele sings loudly through the receiver.

“Good morning, Michele, I’m good. How are you?” I ask nervously. Her calls never bring good news.

“Well I am literally skippin’ my crazy ass over to the court house right now, and I just wanted to cue you in on the divorce proceedings.” Her voice is always jovial and kind. I brace myself against the counter as dread fills my stomach and I pinch my eyes closed preparing myself for the sorrowful tears that are bound to fall. “Savannah, are you still there?” Michele asks softly.

“Ye-yes, I’m here.” I stutter.

“Judge Thornhall owes me a little favor, so I’m hoping to have the divorce petition signed and filed by the end of business today.”

I still, unable to move my cemented feet. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Josh signed the Petition for Divorce, Savannah.”

“He what?”

“He signed! James hand delivered the petition himself just this morning. But he also asked that I give you a letter from Josh. That’s at my office if you want it, if not, we can pretend I never received it.”

My knees defy my feet and I slide down into the floor, consumed with…shock? Joy?