Michael (2 page)

I had promised Krishna that I’d be gone no longer than eight weeks; two full months to pull myself together. But here I was, six months since I had left heading to New York to meet my family for our annual vacation in the Hamptons. I had told her a month ago that I would be coming home soon. I missed her and I missed my kids. But my priority had been my health so when eight weeks passed, I extended my stay. Six months nearly to the day that I checked into the facility, I was on our private plane red eying my return home. I can’t believe I let time slip away from me. But at the same time I’m grateful for each and every day that I spent there because my issues extended far beyond the numerous pills I swallowed dry each day.

I didn’t think I was an addict on day one. Hell, I didn’t think I was an addict on day sixty. Barbiturates are doctor prescribed and I knew my hard limits. And it had alleviated the need I felt to tear things apart. I felt like I was suffocating. I was suffocating from the moment I shared my last kiss with my ex, Alexandria. All of this started because of her and my need to be her hero.

I learned fast that the hero in me would have let her go, the hero in me would have focused every ounce of affections I had toward her on our son. The son that rapped on my door that night and tore apart my life. He was my reflection in every sense of the word. But I had saw him as a link to the past, a link to what was Alexandria and Michael and that is what put me in that place. The hero in me never would have wanted to go back in time.

I never understood struggle of any kind and if there had been a moment I felt what I perceived as struggle, it wasn’t enough to knock me on my ass. Childhood wasn’t difficult despite the lack of relationship I had with my brother, Liam. Leah did a star job playing good twin while Liam stole the show as bad twin. Not to say that Liam was a bad person. He wasn’t, in fact I consider him, now, to be my best friend. But back then he was everything but. And despite my efforts to kill him with kindness, he would still take twenty years to break.

The plane touched down at four in the morning. The sky was just hinting at the day; purple crept up above the scattered white clouds. I was just a short ride from my family and my stomach churned just thinking about the hell my wife was going to rain down on me. Liam stood leaning against the black sedan.

“Good morning, brother.” He smiled warmly at me. To see a familiar face was more than I could handle.

“Good morning, little bro.” I wrapped my arms around Liam. Once upon a time he towered above me, now I stood about an inch over him, my frame more built than his especially considering that rehab, on most days, felt like my own personal prison. “How did you know I was coming in?”

“You booked a company plane at midnight and didn’t think I would be told? I’ve been surrounded by females for six months. I couldn’t wait another minute to get my brother back.” Liam opened the door and we both climbed into the back. The driver pulled off toward the beach house.

“What about Nathan?” Nathan was our business partner turned nephew-in-law. He was a part of the family now, he had woven himself there and despite how I felt about it previously, I was glad to have a man much like myself looking out for my niece.

“Nathan is constantly working, anything that’ll distract him from the situation with his brother.” Liam looked stressed talking about Nathan. Nathan’s brother, Chase, was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and no one was taken it well.

“If it’s anything we can do for him, I hope it’s being done.” I said as I adjusted in my seat.

“It is. Nathan is taking care of all of his medical costs. I told him that if he needs anything else that our checkbooks are open.”

“Good.” I smiled. My smile quickly faded when I caught the way Liam was looking at me. He wanted to know what had kept me away. I hadn’t talked to Liam for most of my stay in rehab and he deserved answers.

“You know what I’m going to ask. Just say it.”

“I’m okay, I’m clean, I won’t go back to the pills.”

“And what about your obsession with Alexandria?”

“Obsession?” I laughed. “I’m not obsessed, Liam. I just needed time to sort out what had been going on with her. You wouldn’t get it.”

“I get it, Mikey.” Liam said. I glared at him, he knew I hated to be called Mikey, Mike and any other variation of my name.

“Michael!” I barked. “Sorry. But I know that is what everyone thinks. This whole thing with Alex stirred up a lot of buried demons. Rejection from her was just the tip of the iceberg. This trip was about me and everyone that rejected me, not just Alex. You rejected me, your mother and our father rejected me. My mother died a horrible death. I felt abandoned. So, no, this was not just about Alex, she just seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“I understand.”

“You say you do but you’ll never get it, Liam.” I rolled down the window to let in air. I knew coming back home would be an adjustment and a challenge not to use again. And that went for alcohol too. I sucked in a breath. “We can talk later.”

“That’s fine with me. Just go easy on Krish, she’s been taking your
vacation
a little hard. Her with three children, you’re lucky she’s still functioning. Nanny or not she has been overwhelmed.”

“I hate myself for leaving her. I hate myself for staying pass the time that I promised her but—”

“—but you had to get better. And she and I have talked about that. She just misses you, Michael.”

“I miss her too. I can’t wait to see her.” I smiled thinking about my wife. I had been selfish in asking her not to visit, in keeping our Skype conversations non-existent and phone conversations short. I didn’t want to be pulled back into reality until I was ready. I knew that if I stared into her blue eyes for more than a second I would fall apart and pack my bags and go home before I was truly ready. I just have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing.

We pulled up to the beach house. I could see that Alexandria, SIP, and the kids had come down too and I was happy for that, I wanted to see Daniel, I missed my son and I know it was a struggle for him to understand why I had gone away for so long. When I had spoken to him over the phone he had cried much of the conversation. It was a reminder to me that my son, despite his advanced maturity, was still just an eleven year old kid.

I grabbed my bags from where the driver sat them on the plank path and followed Liam into the house. The house looked the same as it did every year. I hightailed it up the stairs to our bedroom and put my bags down at the foot of the bed. The curtains in the bedroom were drawn but from the small slit of light I could see Krishna’s face, my Krishna. I sat next to her on the bed watching as she slept before running my finger through her dark hair. She squirmed and smiled lightly before coming to, opening her bright blue eyes.

I waited for her eyes to focus in on me. I went to my knees on the side of the bed. She was gorgeous. I wanted to kiss her lips, pull her into me and have her body beneath mine for the first time in ages. But I was too scared of rejection. I didn’t deserve her affections. But she wrapped her hand around the back of my neck and pulled my lips to hers.

Her lips were warm and so unfamiliar. I tried a hundred times to remember what it felt like to have her lips pressed warmly against mine, to have her beneath me, to be inside of her. But with everything that was going on, my imagination couldn’t map out that scene. I crawled on top of her relishing in her love as she worked to rid me of my shirt. I helped her, sitting up briefly to pull the worn vintage tee over my head. She made quick work of my jeans and pulled me back down on top of her. She was hot and wet and wanting me to put out the fire that was burning inside.

I took a deep breath and with my jeans and briefs  still around my ankles, I plowed into her, soliciting a loud moan. I pressed my lips to hers to quiet her as I stroked her heat with mine. It was a struggle not to come immediately from the moisture that had begun to pool. Her lips tasted sweet as I urged my tongue inside of her mouth, savoring the taste of her, noting it to memory for future reference. Her hips rose with every stroke allowing me to fit completely inside of her. I felt redemption when she kissed me back. I felt forgiven. And why shouldn’t I be forgiven? I pressed forward pounding into her until her back arched. She moaned against my lips, clawed at my back, and pulsated around me and I finally released the months of the desire I had to be with my wife.

I rolled off of her pulling her closer to me. But she pulled back. Turning onto her side she rested on her elbow.

“Six months, Michael.”

“Shit, here we go.” I stood up and pulled on my briefs and t-shirt. “If you’re mad at me, Krishna, why did you just let me make love to you?” She laughed. Not an entertained laugh. She was mad and I had to answer to her now.

“Because I’ve been forced to please myself for the last six months, Michael. You told me eight weeks!” She screamed.

“I didn’t mean to stay so long.” I attempted to get close to her but again she pulled away from me.

“Have you seen the kids?” She sat up and asked. I shook my head. I had been waiting until morning. “They’ve changed so much and you’ve missed it all. The twins are probably unrecognizable. You haven’t been around for any of it. And how hard do you think it was to explain your absence to Lincoln and Daniel? I can’t just forgive you for abandoning us.”

She was right. My own issues with abandonment and rejection had pushed me to put my family through the same issues I had been battling. I shook. The possibility that Lincoln and Daniel wouldn’t forgive me or that the twins, Torrin and Tristan, wouldn’t remember me made me sick.

“How was I supposed to come back here and be a father and a husband when I was so fucked up, Krishna?” I sat on the edge of the bed. “You have no idea how bad it was, Krish. The amount of pills I was downing could have put down a horse, I’m lucky I was able to get help. I’m lucky you, or God forbid one of the kids, didn’t find me lifeless on the bathroom floor. I know I’ve been gone for too long. Don’t think I haven’t felt like shit every second.” She just watched me silently, her body stiffly pressed against the headboard, her legs wrapped in the white sheets. Even angry she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

“I know you were getting help but it doesn’t change the fact that you promised that you’d only be gone a short while. And then you refused phone calls and visits. What were you thinking shutting me out like that?”

“That I didn’t want to burden you.”

“Well, the burden of raising three children without their father was burden enough, so I guess what you did was for the best.”

“Krishna, don’t—”

“—don’t what? Tell you that I hate you? That I want out of this marriage? If I was going to leave you, you’d already have been served the papers, Michael. I just want things to go back to normal.”

“Things aren’t going back to the way they were before. I was an addict, Krishna. Do you understand what that means? For the last two years I have been popping pills just to sleep, just to function at work. I did a damn good job hiding it but I was not a good person, Krishna. I can’t go back to that. I want it to be better. I want to recommit myself to you and to my family. But I can’t do anything without your support.”

“I’ve done nothing but support you. You have your entire family’s support. But it’s time you give us something in return. Get your shit together.” She laid down turning her back to me and yanking the covers up over her head. I pulled on my jeans and left the room.

In the bedroom next to ours, Torrin and Tristan slept together in the large round crib. It was insane how much they had grown and changed in my absence. But they still looked just like me; midnight hair, thick brows and my nose. I leaned against their crib watching their chests rise and fall in unison.

“Daddy?” A sweet voice called from the toddler bed across the room.

“Linc.” I went to my baby girl scooping her into my arms. She smelled sweet like bubblegum bubble bath as I inhaled her warmth. “I missed you baby girl.” I knew I had to be holding her tight but I hadn’t realized how empty I had been without my children.

“Where were you, daddy?” Her blue eyes stared at me. It was like looking at Krishna all over again.

“Daddy wasn’t feeling well. I had to get better so I could come back home to you.” I whispered kissing her temple. “I’m all better now; I’m not leaving you ever again.”

“Good. Because you missed all of my fancy tea parties. And you missed my birthday, Daddy. I had a birthday right after you left.”

“I’ll make it all up to you sweetheart. I got you a special gift. Let’s go get it.” We went back into the bedroom where Krishna laid, her eyes opening to catch mine before closing again. Without putting Lincoln down, I dug through my suitcase for the purple jewelry box. “For you.” I handed the box to my smiling toddler and she opened it slowly.

“It’s a necklace, Daddy. It’s just like Mommy’s.” she shrieked. Krishna opened her eyes and watched me secure the necklace around our daughter’s neck. She smiled despite herself.

“I love you, Sweet Pea.”

“I love you too, Daddy.” She hugged me tightly around my neck. “Can I sleep with you and Mommy, Daddy?” I glanced to Krishna and she nodded.

“Sure.” I lifted her from my lap to the bed and went into the bathroom and changed. I returned to find her already asleep against her mother’s chest. I lay down with them. Krishna stared at me without saying a word. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered fighting back the urge I had to let it all out. I had cried a lot in the last few months, more than any man should. Krishna reached across Lincoln and found my hand. She pulled my palm to her lips and pressed her lips firmly against my skin. She mouthed ‘I love you’ and let her tears fall.