Michael (3 page)

I hated that I was the reason for her pain. Our marriage had been nothing but rocky. First, I find out I have a son with the woman I was supposed to marry. Then, I kiss that woman and confess to Krishna that I had done so. And on Alex’s wedding night. I made out with her in the bathroom of my brother’s mansion after she told me she had been raped by her father. I still hadn’t told Krishna about that. And looking at the pain in her eyes now, I knew it’d be best if I never did. Me, leaving for so long would cease to be the worse of our problems.

“I love you.” I said above a whisper. I wiped her tears away with my finger but for every one that I wiped away, two took its’ place. I looked at the kid between us and it hit me. I was no better than my father. I turned my back on my family. “I love you so much Krishna and I am so sorry.” I pulled my hand from hers and got out of bed again. I went into the bathroom. My chest squeezed. I didn’t want to be my father. I love my father but he was a screwed up man with more secrets than many of us cared to know. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Krishna appeared behind me. “I’m nothing like him, Babe.”

“I would never accuse you of being like him. You were right, you went away to fix things, to fix yourself. I just didn’t think you’d need so long to do so. And I am going to work at getting over the fact that you were gone for so long.” She moved around in front of me and rubbed her hands up my chest under my shirt. “You’re here now. We have to bounce back.”

I pressed my lips against hers sweeping her wavy dark hair from her face.  The place I was in before Krishna, healing. I was back there all over again but grateful that this time I was not alone. I had Krishna and I had my family.

***

Pulling into the long driveway seemed surreal at the time. At fourteen, it was a mature and life-altering decision to meet my father, mostly because I didn’t know what I was walking into. Choosing to go with my aunt would mean that I would forever be an outcast in my family. There was only so much I was willing to tolerate; being called “bastardo blanco” by my maternal grandmother wasn’t tolerable on any level, at any age.

The scariest part was walking into the unknown. Growing up I don’t ever think there was a moment where I was comfortable in my own skin. This was in part to me not knowing my make-up, not knowing the man who fathered me but still funded my well-being. It was because of his support that I had the best of most everything which also led to feelings of inadequacy. So stepping out of that car and banging on the massive wooden door, I thought, could only do one of two things; give me the wholeness I desperately sought or absolutely nothing.

I didn’t know that I had siblings, twin brother and sister, Liam and Leah Scott. Liam at thirteen was tall for his age. Unlike me, puberty had already hit in full force and when we were introduced, I was a stout, uncomfortable 5’2” while Liam stood at 5’6”. It’s funny to think about now since I have at least an inch over him.

I wasn’t immediately welcomed in and introduced to my “new” family. When my father, Michael Sr., appeared at the door he stood there silent, examining me before he finally broke down enveloping me into his arms for the very first time. He loved my mother and despite the fact that he hid us for fourteen years I believed he loved me too. But that was where the love stopped. I would soon find that I was truly just the bastard son of a hopeless man.

The day I walked into the house, my father sat with his wife behind the closed door of his bedroom. And for thirty minutes I waited on the steps pulling at the fringe on a nearby runner. And then Katarina Scott emerged from her room, a frail woman with glassy eyes and a steady limp. Her cheeks were sunken in and her eyes wore dark circles.

“I’m Katarina.” She stooped in front of me a welcoming hand extended in my direction. I took her hand and stood.

“I’m Michael, um, I’m Michael Scott Junior.” I tried to smile but even at fourteen I knew the error of my father’s ways.

“It’s nice to meet you Michael. Can we call you Mikey? With two Michaels in the house it might get a tad confusing.” She smiled warmly at me.

“No. I mean please just call me Joey or just Michael. My mother called me Mikey.” I responded and she simple nodded and returned to her room. After that she never made much contact with me. A few months after that very moment I was checking her pulse and pulling her cold body back into the bed where she had killed herself. Today, I see great irony in my drug of choice.

My brother, Liam, a few years ago sat down and thanked me for what I had done for him and our sister the day we found Katarina deceased in her bedroom. Carrying Leah from the room as she screamed in horror at the sight of her mother’s body, pulling Liam from the same room as he sat with his back against the armoire, his facing shielded by layers of sandy blonde hair.

I think I had so much to prove back then. I had to let everyone know that I was a Scott and worthy of the name. And Leah had come around more quickly than I had anticipated. I suspected she would have shunned me the same way her twin did. From the start, Liam refused to acknowledge me as his brother but Leah, she showed me the meaning of family. Sitting on the corner of the bed in my new room she ran down a list of family rules, traditions, expectations and everything else I would need to know. And before she left me alone in my room to unpack, she hugged me and said, “welcome home”.

It went from me knocking on the door to having all needed documentation filed in a matter of days and my aunt had delayed going back home until I was settled. She had asked me a hundred times if I was sure about the decision I was making and I told her that it was what my mother would have wanted. I honestly believed that it was.

Years later, I would find that my decision to seek out my father had lined up dominos over a course of nearly three decades; three decades that landed me in rehab for my addiction; my addiction to perfection, my addiction to belonging and my addiction to drugs.

***

The first thing on my mind when I rose that morning was Daniel. I peeled Lincoln from around me and slid from the bed. I hadn’t wanted to see Alex but I knew it was necessary. I ran a hot shower and stood under the stream mentally preparing myself to talk with my first born. He would require a better explanation than, “Daddy was sick”. He was too smart for me to slide by on a mediocre excuse. And Alexandria had promised not to tell him more until I came home.

That was the only contact I had with her while in rehab. When Daniel wanted to talk with me, Krishna was more than willing to contact me. He had even spent his regular days with her and I was thankful for the relationship my wife had with my son; a boy she called
ours
.

I turned the shower off and dug through my suitcase for clothes. I hadn’t been prepared for the beach house so I put on jeans and a t-shirt and slid into tennis shoes. I would have to go shopping later. I walked down the planked sidewalk to the beach house four houses down from our own. Alex had purchased it shortly after we met, when I was still at odds with my brother who had one-third ownership of our house. She had told me it was for us, when I wanted to get away. In the end, when her father cut her off for falling in love with me, I had paid the house off and let her retain full ownership.

I opened the screen door and knocked on the white door behind it. It was only seconds before Samuel opened the door. Samuel or SIP as he was known was Alex’s husband and coincidentally Liam’s brother-in-law. The tangled web meant that despite my issues I would have to be okay with seeing Alex at every family function including vacations and Sunday dinners.

“Michael, Michael.” He said before shaking my hand. Samuel and I had become decent friends even before he met Alex. I was lucky in knowing him before he became my son’s step-father. He was a decorated soldier who now worked for the department of defense.

“Sam, nice to see you. Is Daniel up?” I stepped into the house when he held open the door and gestured for me to enter.

“Yeah, everyone’s in the kitchen.” I followed him to the back of the house.

The second Daniel spotted me he was up and out of his seat. His legs wrapped tightly around me when I picked him up, the same as I had hugged Lincoln the night before. Despite his size he was still my baby boy. I held onto him for a while before settling him back down at the table. Kin, Sam and Alex’s son sat in a high chair, I ruffled his hair before walking over to Alex who was standing at the stove.

She paused what she had been doing and hugged me. In spite of her belly she was able to pull me in pretty close.

“You look great.” She said releasing me.

“You look pregnant.” I laughed.

“Yeah, I thought you knew when you left. November baby coming, hopefully a girl this time around.”

“Well, congrats.” I smiled at her. “I just wanted to stop by and see Daniel. Maybe you can send him up to the house after breakfast? Or just meet us on the beach later?”

“Yeah sure, whatever he wants to do.” She smiled and glanced over her shoulder at him.

“Great, I’ll see you guys later.” I said to the room as a whole. I went and kissed my son on the forehead before leaving.

***

At the house I was ecstatic to see my sister, Leah and her children including an adult Mackenzie who had taken to motherhood like I never expected. She and Nathan’s daughter Natalia was just behind my boys at seven months. And she looked a lot like her mother despite her red hair.

The breakfast table, over the years had doubled in size. The children alone out-numbered the adults and cribs, car seats, and carriers had become a necessity wherever we went. Fortunately, we didn’t intend on any trips outside of the Hamptons and we used the private plane for most flights.

I sat with Torrin and Tristan on my lap while Liam held his youngest Kadin; which was one of his four. He too had a set of twins, Rory and Regan, and his eldest Julian. My sister however, had been the only one not to have twins. She just had Mackenzie who was actually her husband’s child and another boy and girl that were a year apart.

We had all settled into marriage around the same time giving our father eleven grandchildren and his first great grandchild. And while he claimed to love the wealth of grandchildren he wasn’t very involved in any of their lives. But we all knew the man he had become. He was so wrapped up in business and money that over the years, we had fallen by the wayside.

“How’s it feel to be home?” Jayda asked me settling in next to Liam and lifting Kadin from his lap.

“I’ve missed you all so much. It’s a bit crazy how short it seemed my trip had been only to return home to everyone having changed so much.” I pulled my boys in closer to me smelling the shampoo on their heads. Heads full of dark curly hair.

“We’ve missed you. It was strange not having you here to run to when Liam got out of line.” She smirked at Liam and he nudged her.

“I bet he was the one in real trouble. It’s too many women in this family.”

“Well, he had Nathan and Sam.”

“Speaking of Nathan,” Liam interrupted, “he’s taking a car up soon, should be here in a day or two. He wanted to get business squared away, he’s going to try and get back to New Orleans to see his brother again this month. When do you think you’ll be stepping in again?”

I eyed my brother. The job was a lot to take on right away. It was intense and hectic and I wasn’t ready. He cleared his throat but didn’t say anything else. He knew I wasn’t ready and still had the nerve to ask.

The rapping on the door was enough to wake a tranquilized horse. I wasn’t in a hurry to answer it. It was late afternoon and with my sisters-in-law having the kids out on the beach I was catching up on much needed rest. And Michael said he’d be in the city all day which I was also thankful for because his return had done a job on my emotional state.

I gingerly pulled open the door expecting it to be one of the kids but it wasn’t. The man that stood before me was a tall man and his brown hair fell past his shoulders. He wore a thick beard and he had bright green eyes. I didn’t have to say a word or ask a single question, I knew exactly who he was.

“You must be Krishna Darr.” He smiled reaching his hand out toward me.

“Krishna Scott, now. How did you find me?” I was genuinely stunned to see him, especially in the Hamptons.

“Your husband, Charlie. He got in touch. Told me where I could find you.

“Come in.”

“Thanks.” Abhishek followed me through the house and into the kitchen.

“Sorry if I’m a little out of it. I didn’t expect to see you. And Charlie, he isn’t my husband, just a good friend.”

“Well, he said otherwise and fed me a story about how I had a sister searching for her biological family. And so, when I showed up to see my mother yesterday and she actually agreed to see me and confirmed this, I was on the first flight out.  I was a bit surprised myself. I wanted to call, but I wanted to see you.”

“Wow.” I ran my hands through my hair as I looked at the man who looked nothing like me. I wanted to pick his brain, find out what his life was like, find out why our parents gave me up.

“I’m sure you have questions. I hope I can answer them for you.” He sat on the stool at the breakfast bar and folded his hands beneath his chin.

“Would you like a drink? I have water, coffee, alcohol.”

“I’m good, thanks.”

“Can you tell me about our parents?” I poured myself a glass of wine. Forget that it was barely noon, my hands were shaking.

“I can tell you about our mother. I don’t know? We don’t have the same father.”

My blood ran hot. I thought I had figured it all out. The man on my birth certificate, I had assumed he was my father. And if he wasn’t, who was he and who was my biologically father. I took in a deep breath and looked into my brother’s eyes.

“Who is my father? I mean, Sha Rak Roshan signed my birth certificate. He was your father right?” I asked taking a seat beside him. He turned to face me.

“Yes. He was and he was my mother’s husband. But they only married after you were born. I’m not entirely sure why but your birth father refused to sign it. These are really questions for my mother,
our
mother.”

“So why was I given up? I don’t get it.”

“From what I gathered, my mother shamed her family by having a child outside of marriage. She was hard to marry off. But my father agreed to marry her under the condition that she’d give you up. She did what she had to do. And they grew to love each other very much. The alternative would have been being outcast from the family. That’s just the way our culture was. I’m assuming that’s what it was. My mother isn’t exactly coherent.”

I tried to catch the tear running from my eye but it hit Abhishek’s hand as he wiped it away. I was more at a loss for words than I had been before.

“How long have you known about this?”

“Literally, twenty four hours. When the desk attendant told me a woman was there claiming to be my mother’s daughter, I had to question her. She didn’t want to see me until she was told that I had questions about my sister. She cried the entire time but told me enough to make me want to seek you out.”

“I don’t know what to—”

“She wants to meet you, Krishna. You can fly back with me in two days. I’m staying at a hotel just inside of the city.”

I sat stunned. I was on vacation with my family, I didn’t expect things to happen like this. I honestly never expected Abi to seek me out. I sat looking blankly at the man before me. I wanted to know more about who he was.

“Are you living in Canada?” I asked ignoring my mother’s request to see me.

“No, I live in Anne Arbor.” He answered hurriedly. “I said our mother wants to see you.”

“I heard you. Are you married? Kids?”

“No, neither.”

“You fly to Canada every month to see her?”

“Yes. I don’t have much of a choice; my company is based out of Michigan. She refuses to move.”

“And she refuses to see you, so, why waste your time.”

“Because she’s my mother.”

“Why doesn’t she want to see you?”

“Because I look like my father. I came here to meet you, to tell you that your mother wants to meet you.”

“I know.”

“You’re acting like you don’t care. You flew to Canada for answers. I show up at your doorstep and you act like your biggest interest is my life. Are you going to meet her?”

“Yes. I mean, of course it’s just that I still in a bit of shock.” I smiled up at him.

“Understandably so.”

“I never imagined I’d have a brother. I thought that since she had given me up, she didn’t want children.”

“I think it was more so that my father didn’t want a child that wasn’t his.” He explained. I nodded. I couldn’t pretend to understand the thought process of Abi’s father. I didn’t care to. “And my mother chose a life with a man she didn’t know she’d love over her child, which from what I have gathered was a child born out of love. She chose to give you the life you have over a life with a single mother shunned from her family would have had.”

“Why wouldn’t your father accept me?”

“I can’t pretend to know his motives, Krishna. I assume that it’s because you weren’t full blooded.”

“I kind of guessed that looking in the mirror but after seeing your father’s name on my birth certificate…” This was confusing more by the second.

“Your father, he isn’t Indian.”

“So what else did she tell you, tell me everything.”

“Not much. But I have stories that I’ve heard about you throughout my life, didn’t know they were real.”

“Tell them to me.” I begged.

“We should probably get comfortable.” He smirked and I led him into the living room.

I had finally gotten answers. But it only made things more complex and it intensified the need to meet Amita and gather more answers about the man who once loved her, the white man that she was forbidden to give her heart to.