Miracles in Disguise (The Trampled Rose Series) (11 page)

“But then I have all these people telling me I’m not letting God do His thing through me.”

“Only God and you know what you are called to do. People can see your gifts and assume what God has called you to do. I would be the first to say you would make a great minister – you have already ministered to me through our friendship in more ways than you could know. But the truth of the matter is, it is between you and God, and my opinions don’t mean diddley compared to His.”

“You mean I’ve ministered to you through the Bible study?”

“Yes, and in others ways as well. One thing you said to Barbara the other day has just stuck with me. You said that fear and faith is the same thing – you just believe in different outcomes.”

“And what is it that you fear?”

Unable to look at him, she stared out the window and murmured, “The pain of my past destroying any hope of the future.”

Just then, April came with their orders. Kristina was relieved for the interruption. She slipped her hand from his and reminded herself she needed to be cautious. She had let her guard down. She had let her emotions control her. What did she think she was doing, getting caught up with Nathan?

After they ate, Nathan drove Kristina home, and as he walked her to the door, he held her hand again. The warmth of it spread through her.

“Thank you for the coffee and pie.”

“Thank you for talking with me.” He said, brushing his thumb across her cheek lightly, “I really appreciate it.” He leaned down and repeated the same action with his lips instead of his thumb. She stiffened, she wanted to pull back, and she nearly did. He looked down at her, and she was hooked by that promise that lay in his eyes. Her heart wanted it so bad that she didn’t even think about turning away when he bent his lips and captured hers in a soft, gentle kiss. Like his presence in her life, his kiss was a soft brush of his lips on hers, not demanding, not invading, not conquering her - just gentle and sweet.

“Goodnight,” he said and turned to leave. Stopping halfway down her sidewalk, he turned and asked her if she would like to go out to dinner the next night.

Though alarm bells were clanging within her head and heart, she was still warmed by the events of the night, and the sweetness of his kiss. Before she could stop herself, she agreed.

Chapter Eleven

Friday dawned bright and warm. Kristina turned off her alarm and stretched in her bed. She smiled as she thought of Nathan’s kiss, and the sweet feeling that invaded her heart every time he clasped his hand in hers. Something was blossoming in her heart that, in her mind, had been destroyed. Hope –– the hope that she might again have a life she dreamed of.

Until you let him down, and then he’ll change
, she heard David’s voice whisper in her thoughts.

“I didn’t let you down!” she cried to the empty room. “It wasn't my fault!”

Kristina closed her eyes wearily, and a vision of David’s strong, handsome face appeared. One of his dark eyebrows was arched in question over eyes filled with so much anger, hurt, and disgust. But she remembered a time when they had been filled with so much love for her.

Doubt came sailing into her heart, and she began to question her decision to go out with Nathan tonight. What would he think if he found out about her past? He didn’t even know she had been married before, let alone how her husband died.

Throwing off the covers, she sat up and threw off her doubts. “No!” she told herself. “Things can be different, I'm different . . . Nathan is different.” But though she voiced the words, doubts still assailed her. And though she tried throughout the morning to shake them, they still lingered in the back of her mind.

Later that morning, as she was walking to her class, Nathan came up beside her and flung his arm around her shoulder. “Rumor has it that you have a hot date tonight, Ms. Talbot.”

His smile and charming personality never failed to have an almost magical effect of chasing away her fears. She stopped and feigned a serious look, “Oh, I hoped word wouldn’t get around!" She chuckled when his smile started to fade, “Just in case the date is a flop; I wouldn’t want to embarrass him.”

He laughed at her playful response and said, “I’ll pick you up at seven.” Walking backward, he bowed low as he added, "And I’ll try not to let you down.” With a wink, he jogged off to his class.

The day seemed to fly by, and before she knew it, she was home. She took extra care getting ready, and surveyed herself critically in the mirror. She had chosen a simple pale green dress with small sleeves that fluttered over her arms like the butterflies fluttering in her stomach. “You can do this," she said to her terrified reflection.

She jumped when she heard Nathan’s knock at the door. But when she opened the door and saw his handsome face smiling down at her, anticipation flooded her heart, scattering all other emotions.

“You look stunning,” he said as he took her hand.

“So do you,” she replied, smiling shyly. Gone was the charming and playful look that always danced in his eyes. It was replaced by sincere admiration and affection that seemed to reach into the pit of her stomach and turn it inside out.

He reached around her to close the door, and again took her hand and led her to his truck. He had chosen a charming little restaurant on the edge of town. As they ate, the conversation led to their families.

“It must have been nice growing up with a brother,” she said, after he related a hilarious tale of him and Mike as children.

“I also have a sister who lives in Albuquerque,” Nathan said, “Hannah has been trying to get me to move up there and become the worship leader at their church."

“I would think that job would be right up your alley.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“No, I’m just saying with your beautiful voice and passion for music, I would expect you to jump at that job.”

“I love this town, I love these people,” Nathan said, “It might not be as glamorous or well-paid, but I can’t imagine living elsewhere. Besides, now I have even more reason to stay.”

Kristina looked away for a moment. Her mind said run, but her heart said stay.

“So you don’t have any brothers or sisters?” When she shook her head, he smiled, “I bet your daddy spoiled you rotten.”

A shadow crossed her features, “My father was a very hard, strict and demanding man. He showed very little emotion, though I do believe he loved me.” She finally looked up at him, as she added, "He died when I was 13.”

Nathan held her hand between his, and she looked away from the pity she saw in his eyes.

“That must have been hard to deal with at thirteen,” Nathan said.

“I had a friend in high school, Michael, who lost his mother around the same time. He really helped me through it.” She paused, waiting for the barrage of jealous questions about Michael. She was surprised when they didn’t come.

“And your mother?” Nathan asked.

“She still lives in New York,” Kristina said, her voice soft and tinged with grief as she spoke. “She is everything my dad wasn't, soft, loving, very giving.”

“You must take after her,” he said.

She smiled, but said nothing. After a moment, seeking to change the somber mood that had fallen on their table, she said, “I can’t believe Thanksgiving is almost here.”

“Are you planning on spending Thanksgiving back in New York?”

The way he was staring at her sent that old familiar thrill down her spine. When he reached across the table and lightly held her hands in his, her thoughts became more preoccupied with his thumbs, which were lightly circling the back of her hands. “No, Lisa and her family are coming here."

His head snapped up at her response. “Lisa?” he questioned, “I’ve never heard you talk about her before.”

Some awareness settled over her numbed senses, and she withdrew her hands, though a little reluctantly. “She’s been my best friend since college.”

“Well, you will have to take them downtown. I don’t know if you have been around there lately, but the businesses along Third Street, and the park in front of the Courthouse, are decorated each year for Christmas.” He smiled over his glass, and took a sip. “They go all out, and Thanksgiving evening is the first night they open it to the public. If your friend has any children, they will definitely love it.”

“She has a little girl, and I’m sure she will love it.”

Kristina loved the idea of taking Lisa’s family there, but she loved the fact that the discussion was no longer near her past – the past was something she wasn’t ready to reveal to him. Later that evening, Nathan walked her to her door. She turned to him and he smiled down at her, “I hope you had a good time tonight,” after a short pause, he added, “and the date wasn’t a flop.”

“Not bad, you did all right,” she said with a playful smile.

Nathan pulled Kristina into his arms, and, wrapped in the security and warmth they provided, Kristina begged God not to strip this from her.
He can heal my heart if You would just let him
, she prayed.

But all thoughts vanished as his lips descended toward hers. With one arm wrapped around her waist, and the other gently cradling the back of her head, he kissed her, banishing her fears, banishing her desire to hide and run from what was developing between them. She moved her hands, which had been lightly resting on his arms, and twined them around his neck. She rose on her toes - she was no longer being kissed, but kissing back. The changed caused Nathan to pull her closer to him.

Nathan pulled back a little, and he chuckled when she sighed in disappointment.

After a few moments, he whispered, “Well, I better get going.”

“Thank you,” she said, “I had a great time.”

Neither moved to break the embrace, and he bent to kiss her again. There was no hesitation on her part this time, and she eagerly welcomed his kiss. But after a few moments, he rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed. “I really better get going.”

She stepped out of his embrace and they said their goodbyes.

Kristina walked inside, and her heart was still full from the warmth of Nathan’s embrace. She sang softly to herself as she prepared for bed. She pulled open the bathroom drawer, searching for the toothpaste she had just bought, when her hands brushed against cold metal. Pulling it out from the depths of the drawer, Kristina stared for a moment at her wedding ring. The coldness of the band seeped from her fingers up to her heart, dislocating the warmth that had begun to nestle so comfortably there. The icy hand of fear gripped her heart. It wasn’t just the dread of the past repeating itself. Worse yet, what if he was all that he seemed to be, but he despised her when he learned of her past?

Matthew 19: 6 says “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” You thought you’d be quick to rid yourself of me, but like I told you, I’ll always be with you. ”

Though David had said that to her a week before his death, it was as if he was in the room, speaking it to her now.
No
, she cried to herself,
I’m free, I left you, and you're dead.

But the truth was like a cold hand gripping her heart, squeezing out all the joy that had resided there a moment ago. She wasn’t free. She was shackled to her fear and she was shackled to her past. She couldn’t go on forever without telling Nathan about David. And when he found out, he was sure to leave her in disgust. She remembered David’s reaction when she told him about her past…

Please God, I need him to be different. I need him to accept me, to love me, despite who I am. Please, God, don’t deny me this.

*****

As the next few weeks passed by, the couple could be seen around town together often. Sunday afternoon after church, she attended the McKinley barbecue. He could tell she was nervous as they drove to his parents’ house. However, that nervousness evaporated in the warmth of love from the McKinley family. She was drawn in by Nathan’s mom, who Kristina knew well from her book club. Nathan watched with pride as Kristina intertwined her way so easily into his family. Between Sandra’s care and love in taking Kristina under her wing, and Kristina's own natural charm and wit, Kristina managed to ensconce herself nicely within his family. By the end of the first hour, you couldn’t even tell that she hadn’t been there for years.

She even managed to befriend Leanne. Mike and Leanne’s oldest child, Karen, was going through some tough times. The four year old would often start throwing a tantrum for no discernible reason. Leanne had gotten to the point these days where she felt it was easier to stay home than to deal with the questioning looks when her daughter would start screaming. Mike refused to acknowledge that there was even a problem. Nathan knew Leanne was stretched to her limits, touchy, and often unapproachable

Karen had lined up her books neatly on the quilt, and Kristina bent to admire them. “I love books too. Which one is your favorite?”

Karen began showing Kristina each book, vividly describing each one. However, when Karen’s brother, Rick, saw Kristina, he snatched up one of the books and scampered over, stumbling and stepping on the other books in the process. Kristina smiled at the two year old and opened the book to read, but paused when she saw Karen pop her thumb in her mouth and rock back-and-forth, rubbing her ear repeatedly. Nathan knew these were signs that she was growing agitated and approached them.