Miracles in Disguise (The Trampled Rose Series) (19 page)

Sitting up, he rested his head in his hands.
God, I have failed again. Twice you have placed people in my hands, and I have failed to rescue them. I couldn’t keep Jordon from leaving the Seminary. No matter how much I tried, he slipped through my fingers.

A sob tore through his throat,
Now you have placed Kristina, my sweet, beautiful Kristina, in my hands. You warmed my heart with her shy smiles, and impossibly big vocabulary. I tried everything to give her some of your Peace, some of your Joy. I just wanted to heal her. I wanted to love her pain away…But no matter how hard I tried, she just couldn’t stay in my hands.

He sat there for a while, awash in the feeling of hopelessness that enveloped him.
She was never in your hands…she was always in Mine.
The thought whispered through his mind, and he leaned back against the cushions of the sofa. The truth slipped through his misery, wound its way past his tears, and into his heart. He wiped his hand down his face, growling in frustration. He wanted to wipe the truth away…but he couldn’t.

It was as if she was drowning, being sucked down in the depths of her fear. And all he could do was sit by and watch her. No matter how bad he wanted to pull her out of the water, he couldn’t stop her from drowning. Only she could. Only she could reach her hand up to God and find release from her fears.

He had been trying for years to pull people out of the pit. But the truth was he couldn’t…he couldn’t do God's job. He had tried to be the substitute for God with Jordon and with Kristina.

Hopelessness surrounded him again, threatening to drown him.

What had his dad said? We are just the tools.

“Then let me be a tool in Your Hand, Lord.” He cried out to the empty room. Desperation filled him while truth and fear collided with each other, converging into the realization that letting her go into God’s hands might mean letting her go forever.

David put his paw on Nathan’s leg and whimpered as if he shared his owner’s thoughts.

He rubbed the dog behind its ears, “She’s in God’s hands. And we just have to pray she's coming back to us.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

“My friends, I stand before you today with a message that has been weighing heavy on my heart.” Nathan said, standing in front of the congregation.

Kristina looked down at her Bible to hide the tears, as Nathan continued introducing the topic of his sermon. It was two weeks since she’d seen him at Barbara’s house. Church was something she avoided because it meant she had to face Nathan. She was glad he accepted the position, because it was easy to see he was a gifted preacher. But it was also bittersweet, because it confirmed exactly why she shouldn’t be with him. She couldn’t imagine standing next to such a Godly man, after all she had done. His cold look at Barbara’s house confirmed that he felt the same way.

Oh, how I want to be with him,
Kristina thought as she struggled to focus back on Nathan’s words.

Nathan stood before the congregation, his head bowed, and said, “I stand before you today to say I’m guilty. I’m guilty of trying to accomplish what only God can accomplish.” With a laugh, he added, “and while my intentions were good, they are never enough all by themselves.”

Kristina watched Nathan as he descended the few steps, talking all the while. “But we do that, don’t we? Substitute something, or someone, for God.”

“Joshua 7:12-13 says ‘. . . I will not remain with you any longer unless you destroy the things among you that were set apart for destruction. Get up! Command the people to purify themselves in preparation for tomorrow. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: Hidden among you, O Israel, are things set apart for the Lord. You will never defeat your enemies until you remove these things from among you.’

The truth of the Scripture slammed into Kristina’s heart. Was he talking to her?

Though he wasn’t looking in her direction, he continued, “Lacking faith and not trusting God, substituting something else - something insignificant - for what only God can accomplish. That is just as dangerous as lying, committing adultery, and murder.”

Kristina’s eyes burned with tears as his words ripped through her heart. She was certain he was condemning her, calling her out in front of the entire congregation.

“Our past, our fears…all of that was nailed to the Cross. Yet we take it down, put it on and wrap ourselves up in it again and again.”

She couldn’t even look at him, her shame was so great. Her heart cried out,
I’m so sorry, Nathan.

"I am guilty of that. Guilty of fear…fear of trusting in God…truly trusting in Him.” Brushing back an errant tear that slipped down her cheek, she looked at him across the church as he continued. “If I held the thing I feared in my hands, I could accomplish it; I could control it. But if I let it go…sincerely let God have it…that is when it gets scary. Where would He take me?”

As Nathan continued on, the tears burned the back of her eyes. “My father told me once, we are all just tools in God’s hands. And when we surrender to that truth, that is when we find ourselves free. I ask you to stand with me today. Leave the things that are set apart for destruction at the Cross where they belong. Nail your fears to the cross, and don’t drag them around any longer.”

Kristina stood on shaky legs, thinking he meant the words for her. Whether they were or not, the idea of leaving her baggage at the Cross sent a longing through her spirit like never before. It was a crazy thought…but at the same time, it was a freeing thought. Where would God take her? If she stopped letting her fears control her, where would God take her?

As the service ended, and everyone filed out of the church, Kristina walked in a daze to her car.

She stood in her living room moments later, so wrapped up in the stirring within her heart, she failed to remember even driving home. Curling up on the bed, she opened her Bible and began reading like she never read before. The Scriptures didn’t just pop off the page and settle around her heart, floating there - just out of reach of complete understanding. Instead, they dove in, sending joy through her as she grabbed a hold of each passage. She read as if God were sitting next to her, reading the Scriptures to her personally. She couldn’t tell you where her laughter began and her tears ended because they were so intertwined. And in between the laughing, crying and reading, she prayed. Prayed like never before, with a heart that was open, and eager for His words. Her heart was yearning for His love, and for once, she believed she could receive it.

“Heavenly Father,” she prayed, “I don’t want all the baggage I was carrying around. I know some of it is not my fault. But I chose to keep it on and carry it around. The choices I have made because of what was put on me, led me to even more baggage. And when I finally had something sweet, I used my baggage to push Nathan away.”

“I ask you today, Jesus, to heal my heart. It is scarred and damaged, and only You can heal it. I ask You to transform my mind, Lord. It has been twisted and confused, and only You can straighten it out. And Lord, only You can take what is left of my life and make something sweet out of it. Lord, from this day on, I’ll trust that, no matter what the circumstances are, You have brought me to something for a reason and a purpose. And though I may not understand why I’m there, I know who You are, and I trust in Your love and in Your faithfulness.”

Kristina continued praying for some time, pouring her heart and her life into God’s hands. The peace that once was so elusive to her for so long, found its way into her life.

As the weeks went on, the slippery ground of guilt and the shame she usually stood on, gave way to the rock solid peace and joy that comes from an intimate relationship with the Savior. Before, she looked to her circumstances to dictate her emotions. Now, she was thrilled to find her peace finally had substance.

She returned to the weekday Bible study. She had stopped going because of Nathan. Now, nothing would keep her from her relationship with God. God was changing her and healing her, and it began in this church and in this Bible study class.

Though she was nervous as she pulled into the parking lot that evening, she prayed that God would give her the strength to get through the awkwardness of this evening. And she prayed that God would soften Nathan’s heart enough to at least forgive her.

As she walked down the hall to her classroom, she passed by the church office. She heard the sound of Nathan’s rich laughter as he spoke with his mom. Her heart somersaulted at the sound, but she steeled herself against her emotions. Walking swiftly to the class, she said repeatedly,
Lord, I'm not ready; I know I’m not ready. Please help me be strong.

She chose a seat at the corner of the table, farthest from where Nathan usually sat. Opening her Bible, she smiled at her fellow students as they came in and greeted her. She was relieved that no one asked her where she had been.

She busied herself with her Bible, notebook, fidgeting with her pen – she did anything to keep her focus off the door. She knew she couldn’t meet Nathan’s eyes when he walked into the class and saw her there.

At the squeak of the door on its hinges, her heart felt as if it was lodged in her throat.
Lord
, she prayed,
please give me the strength
.
I can’t do this without You.

“Well, I see you are back.”

Startled that Nathan was admonishing her in front of everyone, Kristina’s eyes flew toward the door.

She wasn’t sure if she gasped out loud, but she was shocked to see Mike standing at the front of the class.

“I guess I didn’t scare you all off if you decided to come back.” He said with a smile, and she relaxed as she realized his words were directed to the class, not her.

“Kristina, it is good to see you.” He finished with a slight wink of encouragement.

Kristina sighed, thankful for the reprieve in having to face Nathan. Her heart longed for him and she wanted nothing more than to run to him and have him hold her and kiss her. She wanted to tell him how wrong she was. She wanted to tell him how she changed, how her relationship with God had truly taken a new direction. But she remembered his cool nod, considered how he hadn’t been by to see her…not that she could blame him. She had treated his offering of love and encouragement like it was trash.

The class began, and thoughts of Nathan faded as she took part in the discussion with fervor. “His Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us. His word says He is a trustworthy and just God.” Shrugging she said, “What His word says . . . that has to be enough for us. If it isn’t, the truth of the matter is, we really don’t trust God." She looked up at that moment, catching sight of Nathan through the open door. Her face suffused with heat and she turned her attention back to the class.

After a few moments, she peeked at the door again, but was disappointed to see the doorway empty. For a moment she had hoped that he was there, looking at her, missing her as much as she missed him. She recalled the hurt in his voice as he begged her to let him in, let him love her. Her response was
just go
…and that is what he had done. She wanted to undo it all, she wanted to take back her foolish choices…she wanted to tell him how sorry she was.

Her shoulders slumped. The realization set in - all she was left with at this point was painful regrets and an apology. After class, that is just what she would do.

As she approached his desk, he briefly looked up, but then focused his attention back on the papers on his desk. “Hey, what’s up?”

Pain slashed through her heart. He barely looked up at her, barely acknowledged her. She remembered how he used to look at her, as if he were trying to memorize every detail of her face. Now a second glance was too much for him to bear. Did she disgust him that much?

“I am sorry for disturbing you.” She began, cursing the timidity she heard in her voice. “I just wanted to say……”

A crowd of youth burst through the door at that moment, all talking at once. “Whoa, hold on a second guys!”

They all turned in unison, noticing her in the corner. After a brief pause Nathan turned an arched eyebrow her way.

“I’ll just catch you at a better time.”

She left his office, head down to hide her red face. After that encounter, she was sure of one thing. She might have a brief hope for a cordial acquaintanceship…but repairing the relationship to the way it was before she destroyed it would take a miracle.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Nathan watched her quietly leave, his heart racing. When he went to check on Mike, he had been thrilled at the sight of her. And then hearing her words, hope coursed through his heart. Did she really believe what she said? Did she really believe God’s word was enough……had she come to trust in Him?

She was here tonight at the Bible study, he thought to himself. That should count for something. She didn’t have any idea that Mike would be there teaching instead of him. Did she? She braved the embarrassment and awkwardness of seeing him in such a confined situation.

Leanne or Mike must have said something to her. Still . . . he mentally shook himself. She was probably just feeling better because he was out of her life.