Miracles in Disguise (The Trampled Rose Series) (20 page)

But then she had stepped into his office. He quickly averted his eyes, lest she see the hope that was evidently burning within him. The shuffling of papers was an excuse to keep his eyes off her beautiful face, to keep his hands from pulling her into his arms and begging her to take down her wall.

His heart sunk as he heard that wariness in her voice. She hadn’t changed; she was still afraid. If he approached her, she would no doubt run scared. His heart couldn’t handle being shoved aside like that again. He was glad when the kids interrupted. It gave him a moment to compose himself, a moment to restrain the emotions that were tearing him apart. He glanced at her, arching his eyebrow instead of asking her to continue. He couldn’t trust his voice enough to speak.

“I’ll just catch you at a better time,” she stammered. He beautiful face suffused with color and she left with her head hung down. His heart burned with anger and cried out for her. He wanted to shake her and cry, “He’s dead, and you need to move on!” He wanted to hold her and let her know she was safe. But the look on her face when she jerked from his touch came back to him, and his anger flared again. If she wanted to stay hidden behind the wall, if she wanted to think he could hurt her like her husband had…

But that’s where he stopped short. The ending to that sentence was, “…so be it!” The problem was, he didn't want that to be it. He reminded himself that God had to heal her, and you could tell she still didn’t even think she deserved it.

After finishing up with the kids from the youth group, he locked up the church and headed home. The sight of his home - empty and lonely, crying for a family - disgusted him more and more these days. He began to question whether he should have taken the senior pastor position. Maybe he should have moved to Albuquerque and been a music minister.

His cell phone chimed just as he entered the house. “Hey, Barbara, what’s up!”

Though they had spoken briefly, he hadn’t been by to see her in weeks. “Not much, just wanted to see if you could swing by sometime tomorrow afternoon?”

“I was just thinking I needed to come see you.” Nathan heard the sadness in her voice. Had he been so consumed with his own misery that he failed this girl?

“Great, how about two o’clock tomorrow?”

“Sounds great. Barbara…”

“See you then!” She cut him off, but not before he heard the tears in her voice.

*****

It was a beautiful day, and Kristina decided to walk to Barbara’s house, stopping by the book store on the way. It was her hope that the collection of Kate Chopin’s works would bring a smile to the young woman’s face.

Barbara had called her last night after she returned from Bible study. Despite Barbara’s attempt to sound cheerful, the carefully-disguised sadness was apparent to Kristina.

When Barbara opened the door, the young woman pasted a bright smile on her face. However, Kristina could see the weariness that lined Barbara’s face. There was a sadness that hovered beneath the surface of her carefully placed smile, and dark circles that dimmed the brightness of her usually sparkling eyes. Kristina handed the book to her and enveloped her in a warm hug.

“How are you doing, Ms. Talbot?” Barbara asked.

“Fine,” Kristina said. “But Barbara, you are no longer one of my students. You can call me Kristina.”

“I know,” she said with a smile that chased some of the sadness away. “It is hard to get used to. Besides, school only ended a week ago.”

Barbara showed her to the living room and said, “I’m going to get us some drinks.”

“Let me help,” Kristina offered.

“No, thanks,” she said as she was walking toward the kitchen. “I’ve got it, you just get comfortable.”

Moments later, Barbara returned with a tray of refreshments and Kristina rose to take it from her. Barbara was about to protest when the doorbell rang.

“Hold up.” Barbara rose and headed for the front of the house. “I’ll go get that.”

Kristina set the tray down on the table and was momentarily taken back when she saw three glasses filled with ice on the table. She thought it was just going to be the two of them, and she pondered who the other guest was. With a shrug, she sat down on the sofa again.

Kristina heard the muffled voices from the entryway of the house, but couldn’t quite make out the owner. “Come on back here,” she heard Barbara say, her voice growing more distinct as they neared the living room.

Kristina poured the lemonade into the three glasses and settled back into the cushions with one of them. She paused with the glass halfway to her lips when she heard Nathan say, “I was glad when you called. I was planning to drop by this weekend. I missed you at graduation, and I was beginning to worry.”

“Aw, Mr. M.” she said, “You should know me by now! I’ll be okay."

“Barb, I know you are a strong and independent girl, but you can’t seclude . . .” he paused as he walked into the den, his gaze freezing on Kristina.

“Hello,” he said.

Recovering, she smiled softly, “Hello.”

It had been several months since she had seen those eyes focused directly on her, and it sent a thrill down her spine.

Barbara sat down in the armchair across from the sofa, leaving Nathan no other choice but to sit next to Kristina. The soft scent of his cologne and the sweetness of his presence next to her sent a flood of emotions coursing through Kristina’s heart.

“I’m so glad both of you could make it.” Barbara began, pulling their attention toward her. She took a steadying breath and began. "First, I want to thank both of you for giving your statements to the police. I know the trial begins in two weeks, and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your support.”

They both shook their heads, as if to say the thanks was not needed.

Barbara looked down at her hands, as she continued, “During the trial you are going to hear some things and I . . . well, I just thought you should hear them from me first.”

Nathan and Kristina looked at each other, and then back to Barbara. Nathan began, “Whatever it is . . .”

Barbara interrupted, “I know you all won’t look down on me or judge me. That is not why I’m telling you. I just didn't want you to find out about it during the trial.”

Barbara looked up, tears brimming in her eyes, as she looked at Kristina, “I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and . . . well . . . um, I’m pregnant.”

Kristina’s heart sank for this young woman, whose life had been so full of promise a few months ago. Because of the sins of one man, all that had been turned upside down.

“This is where most people usually cry out, ‘How wonderful!’” Barbara said, laughing through her tears.

Kristina was the first to move as she enveloped Barbara in her arms, rubbing her back gently, murmuring gentle encouragements as the girl sobbed in her arms. When her tears subsided, she pulled out of Kristina’s arms and ran the back of her hand across her cheeks.

“I didn’t want to cry,” she said in a half apology. “I'm still adjusting to the idea.”

Nathan asked, “Have you told your father?”

“Yes, he was with me in the doctor’s office when I found out.” She added, “He’s not doing so well. I think he has aged ten years over the last four months.”

“It’s understandable,” Nathan said, “You're very precious to him.” He paused as if he was searching for the right words. He tentatively began, “Have you made any decisions as to what you are going to do?"

Barbara just shook her head, “The doctor gave me pamphlets about adoption . . . but I . . .” sighing wearily, she said, “I just keep thinking that I’m going to wake up and find that all this was a horrible nightmare. Then I think about what an awful mother I’m going to make because I describe being pregnant as a nightmare.”

Kristina put her hand on top of Barbara’s and said, “You are doing great; don’t deride yourself for your feelings. You have a lot on your heart right now, and the best way to deal with them is through God. Take one thing at a time.”

Kristina saw Nathan’s eyebrows raise at her words, but she continued, “First is the trial, so let's just get you through that. In the meantime, just keep taking care of yourself and the child. Don’t get ahead of yourself . . . God has a plan, even when we can’t see it. He is there. Just hold onto that, and we will get through this.” Kristina gave the girl’s hand a reassuring squeeze, and then sat back again on the sofa.

She turned to Nathan, expecting him to take up where she left off. However, he was staring at her with a peculiar look.

Mentally shaking himself, he recovered and said, “I think Kristina’s right. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The trial is going to take a lot out of you.” Glancing at Kristina for approval he said, “We will both be checking on you regularly.” At her nod, he continued, "Don’t hesitate to give us a call. Even if all you want to do is cry, we will be there for you to listen and pray you through this situation.”

With a soft sniffle, Barbara said, “I thought about calling you all a million times these past few weeks, but I thought. . .”

“You thought what?” Nathan prodded softly when she didn’t continue.

“I thought . . .” taking a deep breath she continued, “I thought you all can’t even understand what I’m going through. So how can you help me?”

Kristina looked away from Nathan at the girl’s words.

Nathan looked down, saddened by the girl’s words, but somehow feeling the truth behind them. The one person who could help her was sitting next to him. However, he could no more expect her to share her past with Barbara than he could expect her to trust him despite her fears. Again, he felt the ineptitude of his own limitations, and struggled to remember who was in control. Nathan opened his mouth to say something that would encourage her, but was left gaping in disbelief again as Kristina spoke softly.

“I can understand, Barb, because I went through something similar.” Both Nathan and Barbara’s heads snapped in her direction. As Kristina proceeded to give a brief description of her own scarred past, Nathan stared at her awe. She looked almost peaceful – even though there was sadness in her eyes as she told the story. The anger, bitterness and self-loathing that filled her voice several months ago was now absent from her voice.

“So I do understand, and I know this - the worst thing you can do is feel self-defeated and shameful. That is not where God wants you to be, because He knows you will stay down there, shackling yourself to those feelings more and more each day, until the shame and guilt becomes who you are and all you ever expect.” Kristina gently took the girl’s hand in hers, and finished. “I know you can’t tell it from your vantage point. But from His," Kristina said, pointing upward, “the view is much better. We can’t always understand the why, but we can always rest in the Who.”

Gently squeezing the girl’s hand, Kristina continued, “I know you too well, and I know
you
know your Savior. He hasn't changed, only your circumstances have.”

Drying her eyes, Barbara asked, “Is that what pulled you through, your faith?”

Laughing softly, Kristina looked at Nathan for the first time since she began, and said, “No dear, I didn’t have that kind of faith. I felt sorry for myself; I thought God was to blame. And I pulled me and my baggage through life until I finally fell at Jesus’ feet in exhaustion. In the process, I lost a lot that was very dear to me.” Nathan and Kristina stared at each other for a moment, until Kristina turned to Barbara and finished. “But I met some people who showed me how to know God intimately. One of those people was you.” At Barbara’s shock, Kristina smiled and continued, “So don't forget who He is. Once you told me how great God was for orchestrating everything to allow you to go to college on a full scholarship.”

“But that can’t happen now!” Barbara interrupted.

Nathan finally found his voice again. “You think He’s big enough to get you a scholarship, but not big enough to help you with this?”

“Well, of course not . . . but,” Barbara said, but then paused, as she thought about what he said.

“Don’t get caught up in how He is going to do it, or even what He is going to do,” Kristina said. “Get caught up in His greatness, in who He is. That will carry you through everything. Because that is what you rest in when you don’t know which way is up anymore.”

After a brief moment, Barbara nodded her head, sniffling softly.

Kristina wrapped the young woman in her arms and said, “Hold on to your God, sweetie. I didn’t have that intimacy with Him when I went through everything, and my road was rough. It doesn't have to be that way for you.”

Kristina pulled back just enough to look her squarely in the eyes and add in a firm but gentle voice, “It doesn’t mean that you aren't going to have the same hurdles that I did. It just means that you have God to help you jump them.” Taking the girl’s face in her hands, she gently brushed the tears from her face as she said, "And it gets really tiring after a while doing it by yourself.”

Barbara laughed, and threw her arms around Kristina, “I love you.”

This time it was Kristina’s turn to cry at the girl’s heartfelt remark. “And you, too, Mr. M." Barbara said, pulling him into their embrace.

There was no way either of them could avoid it, and the nearness to each other brought a different batch of tears to Kristina’s eyes. She knew she lost him; she ruined her chances with him. She hurt him by not trusting in him, and she put the sins of her past onto him. He said as much in his last sermon. The finality of her relationship with Nathan hit her like a ton of bricks. She had been saying it would take a miracle to bring them back together. But having him this close, and totally out of reach brought a pain to her heart unlike any pain she had ever experienced.