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Authors: Ron L. Hubbard

Tags: #sf_humor

Mission: Earth "Black Genesis" (30 page)

BOOK: Mission: Earth "Black Genesis"
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"Don't you touch nothing," said the inspector. "The stiff team will be here in a few minutes and they'll want pictures of all this. And you two," he pointed at the manager and clerk, "don't fail to show up at the coroner's inquest! I oughta jail you as material witnesses!"
"We'll be glad to perform our civic duties," said Vantagio. "You just make sure you give honest businessmen better protection hereafter!" He glared at the bodies. "Hoodlums running all over the streets!"
The inspector left. A patrolman stood guard over the bodies so no one could corrupt the evidence.
"I'll take that baggage in my office," Vantagio said to Heller and beckoned.
Heller picked up his suitcases and the carry-all and followed him in.
Chapter 2
The cleaning woman had finished mopping up the blood. Vantagio turned the air conditioner on to "vent," probably to clear out the drifting cordite smoke. He seated Heller in a chair and then sat back down at his ornate desk.
"Kid," said Vantagio, "you saved my life! I never before seen such terrific shooting!" He regarded Heller
for a bit. "How did you come to get here, anyway?"
Heller told him he had been looking for a place to live and then quoted his conversation with the taxi driver in which he had asked for a house.
Vantagio laughed. "Oh, kid, you are a greenhorn. Strictly from the backwoods. Listen, kid. In the vernacular of our fair city, the word 'house' means a brothel, a bordello, a bagnio, a crib, a sporting house, a cathouse, a whorehouse or, in short, a house of prostitution. And here you are. This is the pleasure palace of the United Nations, the top 'house' in all Manhattan!"
He started to laugh again and then he sobered. "But I can thank La Santissima Vergine that you arrived. I was sure my number was up!"
He sat back, looking at Heller, and thought for a moment. "You're kind of handy to have around. Kid, could I offer you a job? Something respectable like a bouncer?"
"No," said Heller. "Thank you. I've got to get a diploma. People don't listen to you unless you have a diploma."
"Oh, so true! I'm a great believer in education! I have my master's degree in political science from Empire University," he said proudly, "and here I am at the top of my profession, head of the UN whorehouse!"
At that moment there was a commotion at the door and two very disheveled men rushed in. Although their clothes were expensive looking, they were very crumpled.
"Where you been?" Vantagio shouted at them.
"We got here as fast as we could," said one. "At dawn that God (bleeped) Inspector Grafferty busted into our apartment and arrested us for vagrancy and littering. It took until just now for the shyster to bail us out!"
"It was a setup," said Vantagio. "Police Inspector Bulldog Grafferty," and he spat sideways on the carpet.
"He was right up the street waiting! He got you two gunsels out of the way so the Faustino mob could come in here and put the pressure on. If I'd refused and they'd have killed me, Grafferty was right on hand to prove they wasted me in self-defense. If this kid hadn't crashed the party, I'd be dead!" And he told them exactly what had happened and what Heller had done.
"Jesus!" said the two men in unison, looking at Heller.
"Now go down to the dry-cleaning room and get yourselves pressed up and get on duty. We can't have you looking like a couple of bums! This is a high-class joint!"
"Yes, Mr. Meretrici," they both said and rushed out.
"This really is a high-class joint," Vantagio repeated to Heller. "The UN crowd is funny. If they thought we pushed drugs, they'd be sure we were trying to bleed information out of them. No, sir. We stay with tradition. We serve bootleg booze. And booze and drugs don't mix, kid."
"Lethal," said Heller, doubtless remembering his book.
"Eh? Oh, right. You sure said it, kid. No gang wars in booze at all these days. And there's just as much money to be made in bootleg booze as there ever was in Prohibition. Did you know Federal taxes was ten bucks a fifth now? And it's more respectable. More traditional.
"Now, there are those that will tell you you can't have prostitution without having drugs. But that's baloney. The whores go silly. They get all dried up. They don't last two years. And they're an expensive investment! We have to train them, send them to Towers Modeling School and hygiene clinics as doctors' assistants and postgraduate them to an ex-Hong Kong whore. That's expensive. You can't amortize it fast enough. Internal
Revenue Service won't let you write off the investment that quick. So, no drugs, kid."
"No drugs," said Heller, probably thinking of Mary Schmeck.
"Right," said Vantagio. "The UN clientele would simply evaporate. And we'd have to pay off the DEA. We'd go bankrupt!"
"Well," said Heller. "I'm sorry I made a mistake. I'll be going now."
"No, no!" said Vantagio in alarm. "You saved my life. And even Clint Eastwood couldn't have beaten that gun play! You're handy to have around! Listen, business is slack—the UN isn't in session and it's summer and nobody's in town. You came for a room. There's two hundred rooms and suites in this building! I got a little room–it was once a maid's room—up on the second floor you can have."
"Well," said Heller, "if you'll let me pay for it."
"Pay? Well, how about you just sitting around the lobby now and then, two or three times a week maybe. For just an hour or two. I'll see you get some decent clothes."
I thought, no, no, Heller. He knows the Faustino mob saw you! He's just going to use you to scare them off!
He must have seen Heller was reluctant. "Look, kid. You're going to college. If you go to Empire, I can give you some steers and pointers. We don't have a restaurant but we have a kitchen that serves great food to rooms and you can get sandwiches. We can't serve you any booze because it's obvious you're a minor and it would be illegal. But you could have all the soft drinks you wanted. Listen. We'll even keep you from being embarrassed by the UN people thinking you're part of the help. We'll cook up some story about you being the son of a dictator or something incognito and living here to go to college."
It wasn't the danger I was worried about. I couldn't see how I could sneak Raht in there to rifle his baggage! Whorehouses go crazy when you try to rifle baggage. They think you're trying to roll the customers and get them in trouble with the police! And those gunsels had looked formidable! It would be like trying to reach Heller in jail!
I knew what was wrong with Vantagio. He was still in shock and overreacting with gratitude. Heller wasn't all that prepossessing!
"Now, this place is full of good-looking women," said Vantagio, "and a good-looking kid with muscles like yours will have them swarming at you. But you can always call one of the madames if they bother you. What say, kid? Is it a deal?"
"Do you have boys here?" said Heller.
"Cripes no!" exploded Vantagio. "That was just that dumb hood's idea. He's... was... gay. So how about it, kid?"
Heller barely started to nod when Vantagio was out of his seat and racing to the door. He peeked into the lobby. The stiff team and bodies were gone. The cleaning lady was mopping up the floor.
Vantagio said to the clerk, "Hit the buzzers." And shortly numerous staff began to drift in and then the elevators started going and numerous beautiful women in various stages of dishabille began to drift into the lobby. They were of all colors from all parts of the world, though white predominated. The lobby got pretty full of half-bare legs and half-exposed breasts.
Vantagio grabbed off Heller's cap and told him to stand up on a marble ledge. The sea of upturned lovely faces looked like the color plates of the porno and movie magazines had all gone into a mad shuffle. A montage of alluring beauties!
In a very commanding voice, Vantagio said, pointing at Heller, "This kid just saved my life. I want you to treat him decent."
A whoosh of pent-up breath sounded in the room and a concerted "Ooooo!" I couldn't understand it. What could they see in Heller? Then I realized it was off-season for them. Man-starved.
"He's going to live here," said Vantagio.
If the "Ooooo" was loud before, it doubled now, interspersed with some pants!
Oh, my Gods, I thought. If the Countess Krak could only see this!
"Now, listen," said Vantagio, raising his voice to be heard, "he's underage as you can plainly see. He's jail bait! And if he complains about anybody bothering him, out that (bleepch) goes!"
Mutters.
Vantagio shouted up to the balcony, "Mama Sesso! You hear that?"
A big, heavy-breasted woman, black-haired, muscular, mustached, shouted, "I'm here, Signore Meretrici!" And she came forward to the rail and looked down.
"As Chief Madame," shouted Vantagio, "you're going to see that enforced and that all the other madames enforce it!"
"I got it, Signore Meretrici. If they don't do what the young boy tells them, out they go."
"No, no, no!" cried Vantagio. "You're to keep them off him! He's a kid. Jail bait! They could get us on a morals charge!"
Mama Sesso nodded severely. "I a-got it, Signore Meretrici. I a-seen what the boy do on-a the close circuit TV. He save-a you life. He's-a faster than a-Cesare Borgia! He's a-good to have around. Maybe he save-a all-a our lives next. La Santissima Vergine send-a him. If they
don' do right by the young boy, out-a they go!"
"Right!" said Vantagio.
Some madames swatted their palms together and the assemblage began to disperse, several sets of lovely eyes remaining reluctantly on Heller. Did they suppose, I thought disgustedly, that he was something to eat? He was far too young for their general taste!
A uniformed attendant came up and struggled with Heller's baggage. Heller helped him, and because the elevator was jammed, they walked up to the second floor on thickly carpeted stairs.
Vantagio led the way down a long hall and they came to a small room. It was plain but it was clean-almost sanitary. The iron bedstead was white and so was the chest of drawers. The bathroom was small but modern. All strictly utility.
"How's this?" said Vantagio.
"Fine," said Heller.
Some of the women had followed down the hall. But Vantagio peremptorily ordered them away. He got out some old cards and a ball point. Using the back of one, he wrote an address on it.
"Now, this," he said to Heller, "is a tall man's shop. You go out and buy yourself a summer suit you haven't grown out of. And get something besides baseball shoes! You got dough?"
"Lots," said Heller.
"Good. But you wash up and when you come down, bring any excess dough and I'll give you a small personal safe with your own combination. We want to keep this an honest house!" He left.
Heller stowed his things, washed up, checked the lock on his door and then went down with the fifty thousand in the paper sack his breakfast had come in.
Vantagio showed him the battery of private safes and
how to open one. It seemed UN people carried documents and things around they wanted stowed for the few hours they might be there.
Heller mastered how to change the combination and then changed it so fast I couldn't read it off! But it would be impossible to get near it or even get to his baggage. My interest in stealing it was purely academic. It punched through how protected he was now!
He left the Gracious Palms on foot, happy I suppose to have some exercise. I wasn't happy. He had more guns pointing at him now than I could easily count. The Faustino mob knew his face and he had killed three of their men, one of them maybe a lieutenant of the mob! And add in Police Inspector Grafferty. He had seen Heller face to face and cops remember things—that's their trade: mentally cataloguing who to shoot down next!
Shortly it did not help my morale a bit to receive the day's report of Raht and Terb. It read:
Went to whorehouse and got (bleeped) and they stole his baggage. He's probably broke but seems safe.
I could have killed them!
Chapter 3
Miles from the UN area, and now in the garment district, Heller was clickety-clacking along, on his way to I knew not where but, if I knew Heller, up to no good.
It was evidently a hot midday in New York and people were slouching along, mopping their faces and carrying their coats over their arms. One would have thought that they would have glanced at Heller but New York is a peculiar place: practically nobody ever looks at anybody no matter what they are doing—including rape and murder. Even dead bodies can lie on the street until the sanitation department gets a complaint—and answers it if they happen to have any appropriation that month. So Heller was attracting no attention.
Wait! I was wrong!
Heller glanced back and I saw someone quickly turn. Was it Raht or Terb? I got the other screen working and stilled it. No, it wasn't Raht or Terb. It was too brief a glimpse to make it out. But someone had noted his departure.
They push delivery carts of racked clothes through the streets of the garment district at a mad pace and Heller was dodging these. He had come to a shop. The sign said:
TALL AND BIG MEN
Heller was shortly involved in trying to purchase something that fit. It was off-season—too late for summer clothes to be in demand, too soon for winter clothes—and because business was bad, the shop was dedicated to making it worse.
He found a dark blue suit of summer weight. He couldn't find a normal shirt—they all had collars of twenty-five or so inches and girths of sixty. Finally he located three drip-dry cotton ones. They had Eton collars! These are the kind the undergraduates wear in England!
The real tailor that did adjustments was on vacation
and the helper he had left behind botched the suit alteration. He adjusted the coat sleeves and pants cuffs too short again!
BOOK: Mission: Earth "Black Genesis"
8.63Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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