Authors: J. Morgan
MisStaked (16 page)
"As Doctor Grayson may have told you, I was only too happy to finance this venture. I feel only by understanding our past can we hope to build our future."
This time the crowd did explode with genuine applause. Perhaps they weren't as bad as he first thought. In any case it bought them a reprieve. No one would die tonight, except for the damned whisperer, if he didn't shush it.
"Thank you, but my speech is far from over,” Leopold said to quiet them again. “As I said, it is a pleasure to find myself associated with someone of Dr. Grayson's renown in the academic community, as well as yourselves, whose own qualifications mark you as experts in your own rights. I hope this expedition will, at last, shed a glimmer of light on a past we can only imagine. I think you will agree this is as good a place as any to quit running off at the mouth. So, Doctor Grayson, if you will,” Leopold ended, motioning for her to take the podium.
Breathred didn't listen to what the professor had to say. He was too intent on watching Leopold. It was a dull murmur in the background. He flicked his eyes away from the vampire long enough to see Stud dumping his vamp Mickey into the punch while everyone was watching the stage. When the professor finished, Luna would call for a toast to the expedition. If Leopold was a vampire, they'd have him.
He turned back to the stage. Leopold was smiling and nodding as Dr. Grayson spoke. To Breathred he didn't look like a vampire, but he could be wrong. Breathred wished he'd remembered to put on his crucifix. Then he would have known for sure, but in the rush to leave, he had forgotten it.
"Okay, guys. Mr. Chambris Portus will be available to answer a few questions, so don't run off,” Dr. Grayson yelled, drawing a shocked stare from the man.
"I don't think I can do that,” Leopold stuttered.
"Sure, you can. I promise they don't bite.” She grinned.
But I might
. Egad, there was a man in denim angling right for him. What if he somehow touched it? It led to an even bigger question. What if denim was catchy? He could see himself now, buying a pair of Calvin Klein's at some out-of-the-way outlet mall for less than retail, so that no one could see him. He shuddered. Oh no, this would not work.
He turned to make a hasty retreat. Instead, he ran straight into the virgin and his bit of fluff.
"Mr. Chambris Portus.” Breathred extended his hand. “I believe we have a lot to talk about."
Never confront a vampire on his home turf. He knows where the bodies are buried and where yours is going next.
Leopold drew back. This was new. Usually, he was the one saying shit like that, to coin a phrase from Lewis’ lengthy tome of colorful colloquialisms. Who was this person to talk to him in such a manner? Wait a minute, it was the lushy virgin. How nice. It was a pleasant change to have one's dinner come to him.
"Excuse me,” Leopold said, deciding to play it cool. There was no sense in showing anything more than he had to. He didn't want to see the man running across the floor. Did he?
"I'm a member of Doctor Grayson's team, and I was just wondering about a few things. I was hoping you might clarify a few points for me before we left,” Breathred said. He was hoping the dirty vamp would slip up somehow and give him a chance to take the undead fiend down right here and now. Breathred didn't think the vamp would, but you never could tell.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, uh Mr.—” Leopold was at a loss at what to do with this virgin. His instinct was to bite first and ask questions later.
He hated meeting people. They all felt you should know their names, even if you hadn't met them yet. It was as though being rich gave you omnipotence or something. If he had learned one thing over the years, it was poor people always responded favorably to the rich, unless you were taking their money. This big lug would be no different.
"Breathred Petrifunck at your service.” Breathred took his hand back after it was evident Leopold wasn't about to shake it.
"And your delightful companion?” Leopold turned toward Luna. It was best not to let him think he was the object of interest.
"Allow me to introduce Miss Luna Walking Batch."
"Ah, one of the true Americans. I have long wanted the chance to talk with one of you glorious people,” Leopold responded, enthusiastically.
"What the hell do you mean by that?” Luna snapped.
"I meant no disrespect. It is just that your culture has long been a study of mine—particularly, the medicinal practices of your shaman. It has long been a theory of mine that their so-called home remedies could hold the cure of many diseases that stump us modern scientists,” Leopold explained. The fact was he was really dying to ask her if she had ever taken a scalp, but under the circumstances it didn't seem too prudent. Maybe, right before he sacrificed her boyfriend, would be a good time.
"See, Luna. What have I told you about rush judgments? I believe you owe Mr. Leopold an apology,” Breathred lectured, like that was bloody likely.
"I'm sorry,” Luna whined, causing Breathred to raise an eyebrow.
This stuffed shirt wasn't fooling anybody. He was about to ask me if I had ever taken a scalp. It was written all over his face. The French prick!
"No, the fault was all mine. You wished to ask me something, Mr. Petmyskunk?” Leopold said, turning back to Breathred. The woman was making him nervous. He couldn't help but notice the girl was still giving him the evil eye.
"That's Petrifunck,” Breathred corrected him.
"Of course it is. Now, you had some questions,” Leopold said, growing tired of this inane discourse. He could be home watching reruns of
Solid Gold
.
"Yes. I couldn't help but wonder why a noted doctor like yourself would be interested in an archeological dig in the middle of Canada,” Breathred stated. Let him answer that one.
"As I just said, my interest is purely scientific. Quite frankly, Doctor Grayson's paper fascinated me. I could say there was a medicinal side to this obsession, but there isn't. The chance to actually be a part of something this unusual was too tempting to pass up,” Leopold said. Now, the dweeb wanted to play twenty questions. He was over three hundreds years old; he shouldn't have to put up with this crap.
"So, you believe the tablet is correct?” Luna asked.
"Ms. Walking Batch, do you take me for a fool? Vampire queens are the stuff of popular fiction. They have no place in science, but the fact the myth presented on the tablet is so old is startling, don't you think?” Leopold asked. Now, the girl was getting in on the action. That's all he needed, a woman with an attitude.
"I find it hard to believe a man in your power bracket would risk money on something this speculative, if he couldn't see a payoff in it somewhere,” Luna stated, firmly.
"Of course there's a payoff. My stockholder's would flay me alive if there wasn't. The publicity alone will bring in millions, plus if the dig is indeed successful, I own the rights. I have already brokered several deals, including one with the Discovery Channel. So, as you see, it's a win/win situation.” Leopold smiled. That was it. If he didn't get the hell away from them, somebody was going to die, sacrifice or not. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I must have a word with Doctor Grayson."
They watched him leave. Luna found it funny Jessica Easily intercepted the vampire before he had a chance to make it to the professor. No doubt she would try to monopolize the rest of his evening. She looked the type to hone in on the slightest hint of fresh money, or old money, for that matter.
"So, what do you think? Is he a vamp?” Luna asked, turning back to Breathred.
Dr. Truehart angled past them. “I wouldn't bet against him being one, if that tells you anything,” Breathred whispered. He watched the man squeeze himself between Jessica and Leopold.
Good luck, buddy,
Breathred thought without a trace of humor. “I think you should make the toast, just to be sure."
"Too late,” she said, pointing to the banquet table.
Breathred looked up to see a wobbly Stud flitting across the table a bowl full of shrimp cocktail perched gaily atop his furry head. If Breathred wasn't mistaken, he was singing the chorus from
I'm Henry the Eight, I Am.
Doggone it, he should have been watching the chimp. No, that wasn't right either, he should have left him at the house, preferably with a straitjacket wrapped around his furry little body. Breathred should have known an open bar was an invitation for disaster.
Breathred dashed toward Stud. He hadn't made it three steps when Stud toppled over—as luck would have it—right into the punch bowl. A tidal wave of red rain with assorted fruit chunks flew into the air. Breathred stopped in his tracks. Luna slammed into him, but he didn't even notice.
How could he be so stupid as too actually think the monkey could be trusted to behave like a ... a human? Now, all their carefully laid plans were ruined. All because Stud couldn't handle a few dozen banana daiquiris. Well, you'd better believe he could kiss watching
Animal Planet
good-bye when they got home.
People massed around the table. Breathred had to push his way past them to get to Stud. Everyone loves an accident, he reckoned as he at last made it through the gawkers. By that time, the punch had soaked into the carpet, leaving one drenched monkey in its wake. As close to swearing as he had ever been, Breathred sank to the floor in disgust well short of the wreckage. What were they going to do now?
Luna made it to the table, soon after. She ruffled Breathred's hair and kept on walking. She didn't stop until she stood directly in front of Stud. Stud wiggled his nose and gave her a drunken grin. Her pinched look sobered the grin straight from his face. He reached up and removed the crown of shrimp from his head.
"Uh, hey Luna,” he sputtered.
"Don't hey me, Mister. I swear if all these people weren't here, I'd strip you naked, and feed you to a rabid squirrel. And you'd better believe I know where I can get my hands on one."
"So, I'm sorry isn't gonna work,” Stud joked. The grimace on her face instantly shut down his next outbreak of smartass.
"What do you think?” she screamed into his twisted face.
Stud jumped up and ran for the door. “I think I'd better go wait in the car."
Luna made a halfhearted grab for him. In the end she let him slip away. It wasn't like she could kill him. There were too many witnesses for her to get away with it.
Watching him go, she caught sight of Leopold and Jessica walking through the exit to the left. Great. Now they had lost their chance to prove Leopold was the head vampire. The bright side was they probably wouldn't be seeing Ms. Easily, again. That was some small comfort.
Luna turned around and helped Breathred up from the floor. He grudgingly took her hand. Stud's performance had effectively put an end to the party. Most of the people beat a hasty retreat when Luna started her tirade. The rest followed Leopold's example, taking a powder when the smoke cleared.
Breathred looked around for Dr. Grayson. Thankfully, she had stuck around. He needed to tell her about his suspicions. He couldn't let her head out without knowing the truth about their benefactor. Breathred only prayed she believed him.
Luna's hand on his shoulder stopped him. “Whatya doing, Boss Man?” Apparently her anger had found a new victim.
"I have to tell the professor about Leopold."
"I wouldn't do that."
"Why not? She needs to know who's behind this,” Breathred said, not believing what he was hearing.
"Wrong. For one thing we're not even sure he's a vampire. Thanks to your dirty little pet we lost the only chance we had to out his blood-sucking butt. We can't just accuse him of being a vampire without the proof to back it up. Two. If she knows, then she's in as much danger as us. I, for one, don't want to put her in that situation. Do you?” Luna asked.
"No, you're right, but what are we gonna do?” He was out of ideas.
"He still doesn't know we know, so we go ahead as planned, and leave the day after tomorrow. So, we go get what we need first thing in the morning. Get a few rosaries blessed, and whittle us some stakes. In short,” she brushed a lock of hair from her face, “we do whatever it takes to get the job done."
Breathred gave her a smile. What would he do without her? He'd probably be sitting in his basement playing cards with Stud. On the whole this was much better.
"Come on, Breathy. I got a monkey to skin.” Luna grinned and led him toward the door.
Lewis watched them leave. He'd heard everything. So, they knew about Leopold. That was an interesting development, for all it mattered. Leopold had been at this long enough to take them down whether they knew about him or not.
He toyed with the idea of keeping that tidbit to himself, but figured if by some chance they took the big man out, he'd be next on their list. He was all about self-preservation.
Lewis hadn't failed to notice who Leo had left with, either. So they had their mole. Well, not yet, but by morning they would. She was a nice bit of fluff, too. A little waspish for him, but as long as she got the job done, he wouldn't complain.
He waited for the room to clear. When the last person had at last wandered through the door, the vamp stepped into the ballroom. It was still early enough for a snack before he had to meet Leopold back at the crib. Who knew, he might even bring something back for the old poof.
So you finished Lesson One and you think you're ready to fight vampires. Go ahead. We got our check.
Luna tucked Stud into bed fighting the urge to strangle him. Figuring how much he vomited on the ride home, the chimp had been punished enough. That didn't mean he wouldn't be cleaning her car out first thing in the morning, because he was. Even if she had to use him as a scrub brush, her car would not smell like tequila and shrimp. She was adamant about that.
She had to admit the chimp was kinda cute when he was all passed out like that. He looked almost human, not necessarily in a good way. She knew plenty of so-called humans who weren't half as human as him. At least he was asleep. And, it gave her some alone time with Breathred.
