Mr. Darcy's Refuge (28 page)

Darcy took Elizabeth’s hand. “These were my mother’s rooms, and they will be yours. They have been closed up for years, but I thought you would like to see them, so I had the staff ready them. They are in sore need of updating, but any changes must be to suit your tastes. I hope you will feel free to tell me what you would like. I want you to be happy here.”

She laughed at his worried look. Did he truly think that she might be disappointed in Pemberley simply because the décor in these rooms was old-fashioned and out of style? At Longbourn, most of the furnishings were far older than this. “I cannot imagine being unhappy at Pemberley. These rooms are indeed very grand. I feel as if I am visiting a royal palace!”

The lines on his face relaxed, allowing a small smile to appear. “We can talk further of this later. Come, there are some refreshments in the saloon, and then perhaps you would like to see the grounds.”

They discussed their plans over an extensive offering of cold meat, cake, and a variety of all the finest fruits in season. Darcy told them that he was completely at their disposal for the next two days. “The rest of my party, in a visit that was planned before I knew you would be here, will be joining me after that. My sister will be among them, along with a few who can claim acquaintance with Elizabeth – Mr. Bingley and his sisters. Georgiana is particularly anxious to meet you; she has been longing to make your acquaintance since I first told her of meeting you in Hertfordshire.”

Although disappointed by the idea of sharing him with a larger group, Elizabeth said, “I will be glad of the opportunity to meet her.” She hoped Mr. Bingley’s presence would not prove disruptive. Even if Jane claimed not to mind, Elizabeth had not yet fully reconciled herself to Darcy’s actions in separating Bingley from Jane.

***

After tea, Darcy led them on a circuit of the grounds. He had walked this way a thousand times, but this time it was as if he was seeing it through new eyes - the picturesque walk by the side of the water, every step bringing forward a nobler fall of ground or a finer reach of the woods. Elizabeth’s delight in the artful design of the park pleased him not only because of his love of his home, but as a sign that she would not be displeased to live there. Pemberley was lovely, and to him no other county could match the beauty of Derbyshire, but he had wondered more than once what Elizabeth would think of the stark, hilly landscape, and whether she would be homesick for the gentler Hertfordshire countryside.

By far the best surprise of the day had been how obviously glad she was to see him. Mr. Gardiner had been right about that as well. Early in their acquaintance, Darcy had expressed his concern that Elizabeth might be convinced to call off their engagement owing to her father’s opposition, especially since he had just barely won her consent in the first place. Strong though his own attachment was, he was well aware that hers was much less and of far shorter duration. Mr. Gardiner had disagreed, though, saying that in this particular circumstance, Mr. Bennet’s opposition would likely work in Darcy’s favor. “If he had tried to persuade her to end the engagement, she might have considered it, but by forbidding it, he is pushing her into your arms. I think you will find her attachment to you to be stronger rather than weaker.”

Darcy could see how this might well be true, but he had thought it would be more a determination on Elizabeth’s part to follow through with their engagement rather than true attachment. That was all that was necessary for now; no matter how much he longed for her love, he had accepted that winning her affection might have to wait until after they were married. After all, how could she develop tender feelings for him when she could not even communicate with him? He had not dared to believe it possible until he saw Elizabeth running to him, her eyes alight. What a moment that had been! He would never forget it, no matter how long he lived.

The Gardiners again showed their tact by following them at a distance, allowing the opportunity for private discussion which earlier had been lacking. Elizabeth found herself in the unusual position of feeling tongue-tied. She had imagined conversations with Darcy so often in the last few months that she hardly knew what to say to the real man, but merely having her hand rest on his arm was an undeniable pleasure. Still, she felt unaccountably shy in his presence.

“Your uncle tells me that your father remains fiercely opposed to our engagement.”

“Yes, though I sometimes think it is as much out of stubbornness as anything. He hates to admit he was wrong about anything.”

“Has it been very difficult for you?”

His concern was nearly her undoing, as the sense of betrayal and pain she had felt these last months threatened to overwhelm her. Feelings such as these were not something she confided in anyone, not even Jane or Charlotte, and the idea of doing so with Darcy, no matter how tempting, was frightening. “I try to focus on the things that bring me pleasure, not the ones I cannot change.”

“I regret that my presence in your life has caused a rift between you and your father. I know you value him,” Darcy said gravely.

“The rift was caused by my father, not by you. I have never been blind to the impropriety of his behavior as a father, but for many years, I was so grateful for his affectionate treatment of me that I endeavored to forget what I could not overlook. Now my eyes have been opened. I had hoped at first that his attitude would change with time, but now I think he has taken the matter to such an extreme that he can no longer admit to making an error.”

“I wish I could do something to help. I have written to him several times, but he has not responded. He may not have even read my letters, but I felt obligated to try.”

She tightened her hand on his arm. “He never mentioned it to me. Thank you for making the effort.”

“You must know by now that there is nothing I would not do to make you happy.”

Warmth settled into Elizabeth’s stomach, along with a flash of physical awareness of him. This man, who was still half a stranger, would be her husband, flesh of her flesh. She could feel the telltale blush rising in her cheeks. “It is fortunate for you, then, that I tend to high spirits. Otherwise you might be very busy.”

He chuckled. “I would be happy to be occupied in such a good cause. But I also have not had a chance to thank you for taking the risk of accepting me.”

“Whereas I should be apologizing for taking so long to make up my mind!” she teased.

He gave a small smile, but the look in his eyes bespoke greater warmth. “Some things are worth the wait.” He halted, and the next thing she knew, his hand was resting lightly on her cheek, and his gaze had fallen to her lips. “Elizabeth,” he whispered. “It has been driving me mad that I have not been able to do this.”

She knew what was about to happen, but even so, the intimacy of his lips gently caressing hers was a shock. Her entire body seemed to pulse in time with his kiss, as if she had suddenly come alive after a long sleep, the skin on her arms tingling as if a storm was coming. Most shocking, though, was how the firm warmth of his lips seemed to spiral deep inside her, tugging at her core. Almost involuntarily she swayed toward him, then realized what she was doing. Taking a step back, she gasped, “My aunt and uncle!”

Darcy gestured behind them, his eyes remaining fixed to Elizabeth. “Still safely around the bend.”

He was correct; the path had taken a sharp curve, the woods hiding them from the older couple behind them. “Did you plan this?” she said in mock accusation.

He had the grace to look guilty. “Only a few minutes ago.”

Her moment of fear past, Elizabeth found her lips aching to touch his again, but just then, the Gardiners appeared behind them. Darcy offered her his arm again as if nothing had happened, but somehow everything had changed.

Neither of them spoke for several minutes, and afterwards Elizabeth would have been at a loss to describe the path they took. Her cheeks were hot, and she could hardly bring herself to look at Darcy, but she felt his presence beside her with every fiber of her being. Good heavens, if a mere kiss disrupted her so deeply, what would happen when they were married and matters went far beyond a kiss? Based on the glimpses Elizabeth had caught over the years of amorous young farmers and milkmaids, she knew this had been a fairly chaste kiss, yet it had still affected her profoundly.

She stole a glance up through her lashes at Darcy. She could not read his expression, but there was something almost distant about it. It made her uncomfortable, so she said archly, “You are very quiet, sir.”

The distance faded, and his eyes smoldered at her, rendering her oddly short of breath. “I am reminding myself of all the reasons why it would be a mistake to elope. Given that I am something of an expert on why elopements are a poor idea, it is a testament to your power that I should even give it a second thought, much less have to dissuade myself from it.”

“While I agree that elopement is not the solution, I am intrigued to hear you describe yourself as an expert on the subject. Is there something I ought to know about?” The idea that he might have considered marrying another woman left her feeling vaguely ill.

“I have lived with the consequences of my parents’ elopement all my life - my mother’s regrets over the loss of the position in the
ton
that would have been hers had she not been forced to elope, and my father’s distress over the consequences of the scandal. After her death, the whispers died off. It seems that society has more exacting standards for women than for men in this matter.”

So it had not been another woman after all. Elizabeth was embarrassed by how relieved she felt. It might also explain his powerful concern for her reputation. “Is that why you were so eager to have matters settled between us at Hunsford?”

He considered. “Not as such, but I could not ignore the fact that any delay would besmirch your reputation. Then, when we were in Tunbridge Wells, we passed some of my acquaintances from the
ton.
I saw how they were eyeing you, and I realized it had begun already. Hoping to minimize the damage, I sent off the notice of our engagement, not realizing the price we would both pay for it when it came to your father’s attention.”

Elizabeth chose her words carefully. “I have wondered why you said nothing of that to me.”

“What I told myself was that, although you had not yet accepted that you would have to marry me, you would likely do so given a few days’ time, and that with luck I might have the opportunity to soften your opinion of me so that it would not come as such a blow to you. But it was more about my wounded pride, I fear. I was still smarting from your refusal, and could not face the anger you would have felt if you thought I had forced your hand. But I can tell you in all honesty that I did
not
do it to force you to marry me. As far as I was concerned, we had both lost any choice in the matter the previous day, but I knew you saw it differently.”

“At that point, I did not want to see it at all. Loss of reputation was perhaps preferable to marriage to a man whom I considered detestable, but I hoped to avoid both, although I knew on some level that you were correct. Still, my own pride revolted at being forced into that or any other match. I heartily dislike having my choices taken away from me, as my father has discovered.” To Elizabeth’s relief, they entered a dark grotto that, despite its natural appearance, had no doubt been constructed to complement the landscape. More to the purpose, the sudden plunge from sunlight into shade would disguise her expression.

“That, of course, was part of my dilemma,” Darcy said, his voice quiet, yet echoing off the rough rock walls around them. “I wanted you to
desire
to marry me, and that seemed more impossible each day. The best I could hope for was that you would decide you had no choice but to accept my offer. Your liveliness and sparkle had drawn me to you, yet I could see that my presence was smothering those very qualities I loved in you. I did not want you to come to me unwillingly, yet everything I tried seemed only to drive you further away.” His pain seemed to fill the cool air of the grotto.