My Teenage Dream Ended (9 page)

We had no shame.

Or, sometimes, we would just hang out and play with his new puppy, Tutty. I loved every second, because it felt like how it would be if Derek and I lived together. We fantasized about getting our own place and living together and it felt like it was just a matter of time before that would happen.

After school, if I had to cheer at a game, we would go to his mom’s house to hang out first.

I would change into my uniform and be his personal cheerleader right there on the couch. His sisters didn’t seem to like how affectionate we were. They complained that we were too loud and wanted us to stay in his room more.
Derek would make fun of them. I thought it was funny, and I didn’t mind their complaints as long as they didn’t make problems for us.

We spent hours in his room and after we had sex he would take pictures of us. He acted so crazy about me. He had our prom pictures in his room and my number written on his wall, as well as the numbers of my closest girlfriends—that way, if his mom got angry and took his phone, he could still get in touch with me.

Sometimes he would pick me up and put us against his mirror and say, “We look like models. We’re so hot together.”

I thought so, too.

Then his mom would come home and ruin our fun. Derek would hear her come in and we worried that we were going to get in trouble.

I felt like she didn’t like me and I couldn’t figure out why. I didn’t feel like she had ever tried to get to know me.

I just wanted to be with my boyfriend and forget about parents and rules, so sometimes Derek and I would skip school on half-days. A lot of my girlfriends did that, too, and honestly junior year of high school was so easy I was able skip school without ever falling behind
.

NO PROMISES

Things were great between Derek and I in the fall, but high school relationships are roller coasters—and I do not like to ride roller coasters.

Around December, things started to go really wrong. It was that time before Christmas break when no one is getting much schoolwork done and everyone is just coasting into the holiday vacation. One day, Derek and I were walking hand-in-hand down the hallway and I started talking about this girl in my class who had just told me that one of Derek’s friends had given her a promise ring. I was shocked because they hadn’t been dating that long. I said, “We’ve been dating longer than most of these couples and you don’t see us with rings. I think it’s crazy.”

Derek smiled and said, “Yeah.”

I was waiting for him to follow up with, “…it’s way too soon to be thinking about those things.” But he just said, “Yeah,” and left it at that. It was like I was the only one who thought that having an engagement ring at fifteen or sixteen was crazy. We were all still so young. I cared about Derek and I wanted us to have that kind of future, but a voice in my head was yelling,
Whoa, way to soon!

Of course, I thought it would be great if one day Derek gave me a promise ring or an engagement ring, maybe in a year or two, but I was proud that we were being serious about our relationship and taking our time. I talked about how I thought a promise ring was a big responsibility, but I was really trying to send him the message:
Do not give me a ring yet. We’re not ready.

We already had too many issues that made me unsure of our future. First and foremost, if we were truly going to have a future together, I felt we needed our families to learn to be more supportive of our relationship. I wanted so badly for our parents to be happy about us being together, so Derek and I could move forward, but it was starting to seem less and less likely that would ever happen. I could tell that their disapproval was taking a toll on him and I was starting to feel that if things didn’t change, then maybe it would be better for Derek if we broke up.

By then, Derek had stopped sharing with me how he felt about his relationship with his family. Maybe he just didn’t want to care anymore. But I felt it was getting to him in the worst way. It got to the point where Derek would break down in tears sometimes. I couldn’t handle seeing him like that. I wanted him to be able to work through his issues and break away from his struggles, but instead I watched him crumble.

When we were out together, Derek would have to park around the corner from his house so his mom wouldn’t see me. One day, I was waiting in his car and he came back crying, tears rolling down his face. I asked, “Derek why are you crying?” But I already knew the answer. I wanted to make a point, so I didn’t pause and said, “You need to speak up for yourself. Maybe you should start saving up money to get your own place. Or maybe you could go live with your dad.”

He turned away and said, “No, Farrah, you don’t get it.” He didn’t want to hear my solutions to his problems. I tried to help him see that he needed to be stronger, but he just shut me out. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help him, but he didn’t want my advice. I felt guilty that it was because of me that he seemed to have even more problems than before, but what could I do if he wouldn’t let me help him?

Watching the person you love suffer and being shut out when you want so desperately to help takes a toll. It was at that moment, sitting next to him in his car that day, that I started to go numb. All of a sudden, I needed to put up a barrier between us.

I wanted better for Derek. I loved him no matter what and would always be there to help him and hear him out. So when he shut me out, I felt hurt. I started thinking,
What am I really here for?
I felt that if he couldn’t make the right choices to help himself then maybe I was the one who would have to make a choice. I needed to get away from his family and I hoped Derek would follow my lead.

The next day I called to see how he was doing and Derek told me that he had talked to his dad, and that his dad had invited him to come live with him in Missouri. Derek added, “He even said you could come live with us, too.”

Derek’s father lived three hours away in Missouri and they only saw each other every couple of months or so, but they were close. I hadn’t met him yet, but, judging by how happy Derek was when he talked about his dad, I felt their relationship must be good.

I was happy for Derek, but I wasn’t ready to move out of my house. I loved every inch of my bedroom, and, while things weren’t great with my parents—mainly because of me dating Derek—I was trying to get along with them better.

There was just no way I could move to Missouri with him, so I told Derek that it was great that his dad had offered him a place to live and that I thought it was the right thing to do, but that I couldn’t go with him.

I said we could still date long distance, but Derek didn’t want to go alone. I think he was scared of leaving his life behind. He said, “Forget it. I’m not going to move away from my friends.”

I realized I wasn’t ever going to get through to him.

OUR (FIRST) BREAK-UP

As the week went on, I kept distancing myself from Derek. I lost interest in hanging out with him after school, and when we had sex it seemed like we did it just to relieve our stress. I didn’t even want him walking me to class anymore. Then something happened that made it clear to me things were not going to get better.

There was this guy whom Derek had started hanging out with more, though at the time I didn’t realize it. He was part of our crowd and very popular, but he didn’t hang out with us as much as he did with this group of jocks. Still, I knew this guy because he and I were always in the same lunch group. We hung out a lot at lunch and gossiped. One day, on the way to class after lunch, he said to me, “You know, Derek was out last night hitting on some girl.”

He caught me off guard and I didn’t know what to say.

Then I saw Derek standing in front of our locker and the sight of him filled me with rage. How dare he hit on another girl, after I had been so devoted to him and had tried so hard to help him deal with his problems. By the time I reached our locker, I was fuming. I looked at Derek and snapped, “I think maybe we shouldn’t date anymore. You should probably go back to using your own locker and hitting on other girls.”

Derek looked stunned. “Why? Why do you want to break up?”

“Well, I just heard that you were hitting on some girl last night.”

Derek got so heated, I could tell he wasn’t really listening anymore. “Who told you that?” he demanded

I glared at him and told him my source. “Apparently you were out with him last night and he saw you hitting on some girl.”

Derek looked away. He said, “That’s fucked up that he would say that. I’m going to go talk to him right now,” and he immediately walked off to find his friend.

We didn’t talk again until later that night. Derek called me and insisted his buddy was lying. I asked why he would make up something like that.

He said, “You know, he probably just wants to hook up with you.”

I said, “Derek, he knows I’m not into him, so there’s no reason for him to tell me that unless it was true.”

His only response was, “I didn’t do it.”

He was quiet for a while and then he said, “I gotta go.”

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t let it go. The next day, during lunch I asked his friend again, “So, did Derek really hit on some girl?”

He looked at me pityingly. “That’s what Derek is like, Farrah. Makes

no difference to me if you don’t want to believe me.”

When he said he didn’t care if I believed him or not, I could tell he meant it. He wasn’t trying to create drama or hit on me. He was just telling me what he saw, as a friend. That’s when I knew for sure that Derek was lying.

After lunch Derek came by the locker. I glared at him and said, “What are you doing here? We’re done!”

He didn’t respond, but the look on his face said,
What can I do to fix this?

I spat, “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t be hitting on other girls. So we’re done!”

“We’re done because I hit on one girl?”

Suddenly, everything I had been holding in came out. “No, Derek, it’s more than just that. It’s the lies, it’s how you treat me, and it’s what you do when I’m not around. So don’t come to my locker anymore. We’re done.”

And with that I walked away.

WITHOUT THIS RING…