Never Be Lied to Again (4 page)

c. Emphasis on
caught
indicates that the fact that she got caught is unusual.

d. Stress on
stealing
lets us know that stealing is out of character for her.

e. If
from her
is emphasized, the fact that she stole from her own boss is unusual.

f. Emphasis on
boss
shows that it was unusual for her to steal from a boss—any boss.

This section explores the subtleties of communication.

You will see how the speaker's hidden thoughts are always hinged to the expression of his words.

C L U E 21

Speedy Gonzales

There's a rule of thumb about the speed at which an individual answers. It is most germane when you ask about in-tangibles—attitudes or beliefs—instead of facts. A well known restaurant chain uses a timed test response in their hiring process. They will ask the interviewee if she has any prejudices against other ethnic groups or if she feels uncomfortable working with or serving certain people. The longer it takes her to answer no, the lower her score. This question concerns a belief and requires internal processing. Someone who holds no such prejudice answers quickly. A person who is prejudiced takes longer to evaluate the question and for-mulate her answer. The prejudiced person tries to come up with the "right" answer, which takes more time than merely giving an honest answer.

Another element to consider is pacing. How fast does the rest of the sentence follow the initial one-word response? In truthful statements a fast no or yes is followed quickly by an explanation. If the person is being deceitful the rest of the sentence may come more slowly because she gets that no or yes out quickly but then needs time to think up an explanation.

C L U E 22

Compensation

Be suspicious of someone whose reaction is all out of proportion to the question or comment. This person is attempting to accomplish a variety of objectives. She wants to appear outraged by the accusation, but she is not. So she exaggerates her displeasure, often ending up going a little overboard. She tries to convince you because the evidence doesn't. As Shakespeare said, "The lady doth protest too much." Also beware of diatribes where she repeats points that she has already made.

Sometimes a person may claim to be indignant about a cause or belief because he is trying to convince himself along with his accuser. This reaction, interestingly enough, takes place at the unconscious level. The man who claims to be adamantly against prostitution may be covering up his true feelings, which are the exact opposite. Not wanting to become consciously aware of what he really believes, he reinforces his overt attitude by expressing it aggressively. Of course, though, the person could just be passionate about his cause, so this statement needs to be viewed within the context of the conversation.

This person is also reluctant to use words that convey attachment and ownership. For example, while lying about his car having been stolen, he may refer to it as "the car"

or "that car" and not "my car" or "our car." When lying about a relationship or actions toward a person, he may use such phrases as "that child," or "the relationship," instead of "my child" or "our relationship."

C L U E 23

Emphasis Makes the Meaning

The pronouns /,
we1
and
us
are underused or absent. The liar doesn't want to own his words. When a person is making a truthful statement, he emphasizes the pronoun as much as or more than the rest of the sentence. Instead of saying,

"Yes, I am," a person who is lying may respond with a simple yes.

Words of expression are not emphasized. For example,

"We had a
greeeat
time!" conveys ownership of his words.

Now say quickly, "It went great"—bland and noncommittal.

When a person is speaking truthfully, the initial one-or two-word agreement or denial may be elongated for emphasis—"Nooo," "Yeeesss," or "Of courrrse." This type of emphasis is usually absent in deception. This elongation occurs because the person is comfortable with his position and doesn't mind "playing" with his answer. A friend of mine who is an acting coach tells me that unpolished actors often speak all the words in their lines with equal emphasis, a dead giveaway that they are novices. The simple practice of elongating key words often makes for much more believable performances.

Additionally, there will probably be no highs or lows, just in-betweens. Not only is the voice higher—like any other muscle, the vocal cords tighten under stress—but varied voice inflection may be missing. We generally use inflection for emphasis when we are making a point. A deceitful statement often is delivered in a flat voice devoid of any real nuances.

C L U E 24

The Mumbler

The words themselves may not be clear; they seem forced.

This person is inclined to mumble and speak more softly than if he were passionate about his statement. Out of fear, however, it's possible that his voice may become higher and his rate of speech accelerated. Grammar and syntax may be off as well, with poor sentence structure and misspoken words likely to occur.

When Sarah professed her love for her fiance, she would tell him how much she cared for him. And he would reply in a barely audible voice, simply repeating her words back to her. This didn't seem like a big deal until she started putting a few other things together. Instinctively we know that when a person responds like Sarah's ex, something is missing. And that something is often the truth.

C L U E 25

Questions and Statements Shouldn't

Sound Alike

Asking a question and making a statement have two distinct speaking styles. When a person asks a question—"What are you doing?"—his head comes up at the end—on the
ing
in
doing.
The eyes, too, will open wider at the last part of a question.

How is this useful? Suppose you get an answer that is worded like a statement but styled like a question. This indicates that the person is unsure of his statement and is looking for confirmation from you. If you ask someone a question and he says with all certainty, "XYZ," but his voice, head, and eyes lift at the end of their statement, then his conviction is not as strong as he is leading you to believe.

S U M M A R Y

• Deceitful responses to questions regarding beliefs and attitudes take longer to think up.

• Watch out for reactions that are all out of proportion to the question.

• The person who is lying may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous and

inexpressive voice. Words may be garbled, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other words, his sentences will likely be muddled.

• Statements sound an awful lot like questions, indicating that he's seeking reassurance.

S E C T I O N 6

P S Y C H O L O G I C A L P R O F I L E

These clues concern how a liar thinks and what elements are usually missing from a story that's fictitious.

C L U E 26

He's Got Cheating on His Mind

How people see the world is often a reflection of how they see themselves. If they think that the world is just a cesspool of lies and deceit, then they themselves may be full of lies and deceit. Watch out for those people who are always telling you just how corrupt the rest of the world is. As the saying goes, "It takes one to know one."

More specifically, if someone out of the blue with no real evidence accuses you of lying, ask yourself, "Why is he so paranoid?" In psychological terms this is what is referred to as projection. That's why the con artist is the first one to accuse another of cheating. If you're constantly being questioned about your motives or activities, this should send off bells in your mind. How often do we hear of a jealous boyfriend who constantly accuses his girlfriend of cheating on him only to have her find out later that he's guilty of everything he's been accusing her of doing?

Also, if he is always asking you if you believe him, then beware. Just as the clinically paranoid person feels that everyone can see right through him, this person questions the integrity of his facade. If your response gives no real indication of your thoughts, someone who is deceitful may respond with something like "You don't believe me, do you?" Here's a good rule of thumb: most people who tell the truth expect to be believed.

C L U E 27

The Single Guy

Is the focus of the individual whose veracity you're trying to assess internal or external? Let's say a single man walks into a bar hoping to meet a woman. If he considers himself to be attractive and a good catch, then his focus would be on what the women in the bar look like. If he considers himself to be unattractive, then he would be more concerned with how he appears to them. In other words, his focus shifts depending upon his level of confidence.

When a person has confidence in his words, he's more interested in your understanding him and less interested in how he appears to you. This is a subtle clue, but we can see examples of this in everyday life. When you're interested simply in making a point, you want to make sure the other person understands you. When you're deceitful or trying to cover up, your focus is internal—on how you sound and appear as you're relating the "facts." You're conscious of your every word and movement. You try to act in a certain way so you will be perceived as you want to be. Subtle difference, but a big distinction.

C L U E 28

Another Dimension in Lying

Here's a clear indication of a story that doesn't ring true. As careful as he may be in relating the details of an event, the liar often leaves out one crucial element—the point of view or the opinion of someone else. This is because it adds another dimension or layer to his thinking that the liar is usually not clever enough to come up with. While other people may be included in his story, another person's
thoughts
are not. Suppose you ask your girlfriend where she was last night. She tells you she had to work late. But you're not convinced that's true. So you press for more information and ask what she had for dinner. Here are two possible answers she might give:

1. "Oh, I wasn't really hungry, so I just came home and watched TV with my roommate. She made pasta but I passed on it."

2. "Oh, I wasn't really hungry, so I just came home and watched TV. My roommate was so shocked that I would actually skip a meal, especially her famous pasta dish."

Both answers contain pretty much the same information, but the second adds another layer of thought—the room-ate's point of view. Our gut instinct might tell us that this answer is more believable and more likely to be true than the first one.
Not
including another's point of view in an answer doesn't immediately disqualify it. The inclusion of another's point of view, though, will often indicate that you're being told the truth.

C L U E 29

Everything Went Perfectly!

One thing is almost always missing from a story that's not true—what went wrong. Events that are made up rarely include any negative details. A person who is lying is concerned with getting her story straight, and her thoughts are essentially one-dimensional. This means only primary thoughts—which are positive. Negation is not a primary emotion. In much the same way that if I said "Don't think of an elephant," you couldn't do it. In order to process the information, you need to first think of an elephant. Ask a friend to tell you about her last vacation. She'll cover all of the bases, both positive and negative—maybe the food was good, maybe the flight was delayed. Then ask someone to make up a story about a vacation that she never went on.

You'll notice that the elements are usually all positive. The luggage never gets lost on a made-up voyage.

One caveat to this clue: if the story is used as an explanation as to why he was delayed or had to cancel plans, then obviously you can expect negatives. In that case this clue would not be helpful.

C L U E 30

Is There Anything
You
Would Like to Know?

A good liar may be practiced at answering questions so that she sounds truthful. But even the best will give themselves away by not asking the right questions. The reason for this is that the conversation is not real for the liar. After all, she's not interested in learning anything. She only wants to convince you that she is being truthful. For example, during their first intimate encounter, Randy asks his new girlfriend if she's ever been tested for AIDS. She responds with "Oh, yes, certainly," and continues on a bit about annual checkups, giving blood, etc. And then nothing! If she was concerned about her health, as her answer implied, then she would have asked him the same question. The liar is often unaware that coming across as truthful means both answering and asking questions.

S U M M A R Y

• We often see the world as a reflection of ourselves. If you're being accused of something, check your accuser's veracity.

• Look at whether his focus is internal or external. When a person is confident about what he's saying, he's more interested in your understanding him and less interested in how he appears to you.

• The point of view of a third party is likely to be absent from a liar's story.

• In relating a story, a liar often leaves out the negative aspects.

• A liar willingly answers your questions but asks none of his own.

S E C T I O N 7

G E N E R A L I N D I C A T I O N S OF D E C E I T

The following is a mixed bag of clues that indicate deception. They can be used with great reliability by themselves or in conjunction with other clues.

C L U E 31

Whew, I'm Sure Glad That's Over

Watch and listen carefully during a conversation when the subject is changed. Does he become happier? Does he seem more relaxed? He may even offer a smile or nervous laugh. Notice his posture.