Nic's Devotion: An Endless Series: Book One (29 page)

     “What I have to say next is from a maternal perspective
and not professional; don’t be an asshole and break that girl’s heart or I may
have to find you and hurt you.” Giving my shoulder a firm, yet affectionate,
pat she stepped away. “Take some time to process what I’ve told you. I’m going
to go talk with Carrie while you do.”

     She walked out of the room and I sat there trying to come
to terms with everything I’d been told. The nightmare Carrie had lived through
was appalling; from what her father had tried to do to her to how everyone had
treated her afterwards. That she came out of it sane was amazing; that she
turned out so sweet, giving, and extraordinary was a miracle.
She
was a
miracle, and I didn’t want to lose her. In such a short amount of time she’d
become an unbelievably central part of my life.

     But I had no experience with relationships, unless they
were of the guy/teammate kind. Shit, I didn’t even have a good relationship
with my parents; it was cold, strained and antagonistic. How was I going to
build and maintain something I knew nothing about? How could I be sure that I
wasn’t going to destroy her?

Chapter Twenty-five

Carrie

     I sat in the patio swing rocking slightly and rubbing
my fingers through the fur of the Border collie lying in my lap. The action
brought me some measure of calm and she really liked it when I massaged around
her ears. Suddenly, the dog lifted her head in vigilance.    

    “You just made a friend for life.” Dr. Mathew’s said
walking toward me. She was alone and my heart constricted in dread, going cold.
Nic knew the whole story and now he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore,
just like everyone else.

     “Carrie, honey, don’t look like that.” Dr. Mathew’s sat
down next to me and pulled me in for another hug. “I left Nic inside; he just
needs a little time to ruminate on everything I told him.”

     Her words brought me no reassurance. Right now he was
in the house probably wondering how fast he could get away from me. My eyes and
throat burned as misery sought to rip me open, but I couldn’t deny the bud of
hope that longed for just a little bit of water to flourish. 

     Dr. Mathew’s gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Everything
will be okay.”

     “I don’t think it will actually.” I said despondently.
“Even if Nic doesn’t run for the hills I think I might need to go back to the
hospital.”

     She looked at me in surprise. “Why would you say that?”

     “In the last month I’ve had more episodes than I’ve had
in the last year, and…I had such a severe one yesterday that I passed out. I
haven’t passed out since leaving the hospital. What if I’m getting bad again? I
can’t be passing out everywhere.” The idea of that was horrendous. What if I’d
done that in the middle of a classroom of students?

     Dr. Mathew’s expression turned contemplative. “What
caused you to pass out?”

     I explained to her about what the girl had done last night.

     She shook her head looking angry. “Do you remember what
happened leading up to your other episodes?”

     Again, I explained to her about when Nic had asked
about my father, and then how I’d freaked out when Nic had punched that guy
from the party.

     “I think that Nic’s presence in your life have brought
your memory and emotions closer to the surface. For years you’ve suppressed
them, kept them tightly controlled, but now as a result of your feelings for
him they’ve been unchained. This is going to cause you to experience things
more deeply than what you’re accustomed to and that is probably why your
episodes have increased. Every one of them was in the presence of Nic so I
would have to conclude that he is definitely the catalyst.”

     “So it will be good if he goes away?” I knew it had
been too good to be true. Even if Nic had wanted to stay I couldn’t keep him
because I would just continue having episodes in his presence. He brought me
the most happiness I’d ever known but could also bring me the worst pain and
misery. 

     “No, Carrie; I think Nic is the best thing for you. It
wasn’t good keeping your emotions bottled up. Nic is helping you feel again and
I believe in time you’ll get a handle on these feelings. Just as you managed
them before you’ll manage them again, only this time don’t repress them, face
them. Face them with Nic; I believe he could be good for you.” 

     Embrace the possibility of getting hurt beyond belief.
I swallowed painfully at the thought. “I don’t know if I can. He already holds
so much power over me. Right now just the thought of him walking away hurts
unbearably.” I said in anguish.

     “I’m not going to walk away though; I’m here for the
long haul.” My gaze jerked to the right to see Nic standing behind me with a
determined look upon his face. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

     My heart stuttered and swelled at his words, but also
ached. There was an unfathomable hunger in me that wanted to believe him, but I
was afraid to reach for it, afraid of the rejection and pain that could come
from putting myself out there. I’d lived through it so many times before…I
wasn’t sure if I could live through it with him. 

     Dr. Mathew’s stood up excusing herself and Nic took her
spot on the seat. The dog not liking all the movement hopped off my lap to
follow her.

     Nic grasped my hands and his green eyes were dark and
somber as they stared into mine.  “This power you say I have over you is the
same power you have over me. I told you I’ve never felt this way about anyone
before, and the thought of you walking away affects me the same way.”

     I could hardly believe that he was still here. I stared
at him with all the emotions I was feeling in my eyes but was unable to say
with my mouth. “I’m so scared.” I whisper. 

     His determined look wavered and a look of tormented
anger replaced it. He wrapped me up in his arms. “The last thing I want to do
is cause you any more pain. What you went through is unimaginable, and I want
to pound on each and every one of your so called family because none of them
were there for you when you needed them.” He pulled away and lifted my chin.
The intense emotions pouring from his eyes made my heart beat faster. “You are
an incredible person, one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I thank God
that I met you, that you’re in my life, and I swear to you that I’m not going
anywhere.”

     My eyes welled up and a sob caught in my chest at the
promise in his voice. A promise I couldn’t fight against because I wanted to
believe it so badly. I wrapped my arms around Nic’s waist and laid my head on
chest. I could never get enough of his strength and warmth.

     “I thank Him, too. I’ve felt so alone for so long, then
you came into my life and it was like the sun came out after four long years of
darkness.”

     Nic’s arms clinched me tighter. “God, honey; your words
make me want to cry…and hit someone.” He murmured roughly into my hair.

     I shook my head and laughed softly. “No, no crying or
hitting. You’re my sun now and there is only laughing and…tickling from here on
out.”

     Nic snorted. “Yeah….you’re the only one that I’ll be
tickling.”

     An image flashed in my head and I couldn’t stop the
soft chuckle escaping my mouth.

     Nic’s arms tautened. “What?”

     “I just had an image of you on the lacrosse field
tickling players from the opposing teams, and then it became a free-for-all
tickle fest.”

     Nic’s arms slackened slightly and there was silence for
about three seconds. “Carrie, that was just wrong. That same picture just
flashed through my head and it was the most disturbing image I’ve ever seen or
ever want to see.”

      I chuckled at his pained tone and couldn’t help the
next words from escaping my mouth. “I don’t know; you could have all been
naked.”

     Nic groaned and his head tucked into my neck. His
breath on my skin sent a shiver down my whole body. We sat there silently, just
holding each other for a couple minutes. I never wanted it to end.

     “We should probably get going. Unfortunately, I have to
take you to work.” Nic remarked after a while. 

     I sighed at the interference of real life. “Yeah.”

     Nic rose pulling me to my feet with him. Placing both
his hands on either side of my face he leaned down and gave me a soft caressing
kiss that reached in and grabbed my heart. It was only a few seconds long but
it was overwhelming in its intensity. Lifting his lips he looked at me with a
wealth of emotion. “I love you.”

     The simplicity of the words choked me up again while
sending warmth shooting through me, but they also terrified me at the same
time. Wanting to believe and actually believing just weren’t the same thing,
and a part of me had a hard time accepting his words.

     Maybe the insecurity showed on my face because Nic’s
eyes reflected sorrow before he pulled me in for another hug. “I can understand
your uncertainty after being disillusioned by those who were supposed to love
you. Hell, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks; why would you believe
in me? It’s a little mind-boggling to me. I never thought love would ever
happen to me.” His chest rumbled with a self-derisive grunt. “I’m surprised I
even recognize it since I’ve never had it in my life.”

     My heart clenched in painful empathy. Nic never talked
about his parents and I wondered what he might have gone through in his life.
Maybe nothing as traumatic as mine, but it still seemed to have left a mark. I
hugged him hard. “Nic, why would you say that?”

     “Now is not the time for my dysfunctional story” I felt
his warm lips on the top of my head. “I want you to know that it’s become my
goal to gain your faith and trust and soon you won’t have any doubt about how I
feel about you.”

     I pressed my face into Nic’s chest, clinging to his
hard frame. “You are off to a really good start.” I wanted to believe. I wanted
the faith and trust. I wanted so much…

     We headed back toward the house. Dr. Mathew’s must have
been waiting for us because she walked into the foyer as we entered the house.
She gave us a wide smile, but before she could say anything Nic walked up to
her and held out his hand.

     “Dr. Mathew’s, thank you so much for taking the time to
see us today, and I also wanted to thank you for being there for Carrie. She
might have only been with you a short time but I can see where Carrie gets a
lot of her strength and compassion.”

     Dr. Mathew’s face scrunched up slightly at Nic’s words
and I couldn’t help the flutter in my chest at them either. She took Nic’s
proffered hand with both of hers and they seemed to have some kind of silent
communication before she released it. With a tearful smile she turned to
embrace me, and I squeezed her tight in return. In some ways I viewed her more
as my mother than my own mother, even if I had a difficult time calling her by
her first name out loud.    

     When she stepped back I could see tears in her eyes.
“For that year you were with us I had to act as your doctor and remain
professional and somewhat detached, but you burrowed into my heart that first
time I saw you. You are a special person Carrie; smart, compassionate, strong,
and determined. I wanted so much for you to have everything you deserved, and I
think if you allow yourself it’s there for you to take. Don’t be afraid to take
it.”

     Jeez! I was getting all choked up again. “Thank
you…Mona. I won’t.”

     She smiled at my use of her first name finally. “I know
you have to get to work, but you have my number so don’t be strangers.” She
gave Nic a smile including him in that statement.

     We said goodbye and walked out to Nic’s truck. He made
sure I was buckled in before heading around to the driver’s side.

     “Are you hungry?” He asked starting the engine.

     I gave a watery chuckle still trying to compose myself.
“We ate just a couple hours ago.”

     He gave me a confused look. “Yeah, so.”

     I grinned. “So, it normally takes me more time before I
get hungry again.”

     “You only had a small sandwich, and you’re going to be
working all afternoon. You need something more, and anyway I know I could use
something.” His concern for my health gave me a heartfelt twinge. It was nice
to have someone worrying about me like that.

     A few minutes later he pulled up at some deli café and
ordered a large sandwich with a fruit smoothie. I really wasn’t all that hungry
but a strawberry-banana smoothie sounded too good to pass up.

     It was silent in the truck as Nic ate his very large
sandwich one handed while driving. When he was done he stuffed the wrapper in
the paper bag it had come in. The silence continued but I could feel questions
hanging in the air between us. It was uncomfortable and I hated being
uncomfortable with him.

     “I feel the weight of your curiosity. Do you want to
ask me something?” The words came out of my mouth tentatively. I was unsure of
what I would be able to answer.

     He threw me a hesitant look as though afraid of what
his questions would do to me, and again I hated that. I wanted to be stronger
than that. “Please, ask me.”

     “This is probably going to sound like the stupidest
question, but with everything that was happening in your life how did you get
that scholarship? I mean…I’ve figured out that you’re exceptionally smart so
it’s not difficult to see how you got the scholarship, but…hell.” Nic jabbed
his fingers in his hair and rubbed vigorously. I watched him wide-eyed, a
little bemused by his babbling discomfort. He continued, “My question isn’t
even a question really, it’s more like astonishment at what you were able to
accomplish. I’m continually amazed by you.”

     I blushed, still uncomfortable at being praised even
though Nic did it a lot. “I skipped a grade in elementary so that year I missed
at fourteen didn’t really set me back. When I went to live with my mom…” I
frowned and turned away to look out the window. I didn’t like talking about my
home life, but I knew I needed to if I wanted to get past my problems with
insecurity and my episodes. 

     His hand reached out for mine. “Like I said it wasn’t
really a question, Carrie, just admiration for what you’ve achieved.”

     I twisted my head back to him. He had a tender,
concerned smile on his face. It made me want to be strong like he thought I
was.

     “When I moved back with my mother I knew right away
that she didn’t want me there. I remember when Dr. Mathew’s dropped me off. I
had already been informed that we weren’t going back to my old house and I was
happy about that; I never wanted to go back there again. I think subconsciously
I thought my mother had moved because she knew I wouldn’t want to be there, but
that wasn’t why she moved. She had to move because she couldn’t afford it
anymore, and she moved out of town because she couldn’t deal with all the
gossiping. But that was okay, I didn’t want to deal with it either.” My gaze
had drifted to look out the window again but a squeeze to my hand brought my
focus back to Nic who watched me anxiously. I gave him a small smile.