No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline (30 page)
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Authors: Brian Tracy
Tags: #Self Help, #Business, #Non-Fiction, #Psychology, #Inspirational
BOOK: No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline
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Many marriages end in divorce and many divorced people have multiple marriages, each of which ends in failure. Yet some people get married once and stay married contentedly for the rest of their lives. Why is this?
Perhaps the most important reason for a happy marriage is
compatibility
. The two people are ideally balanced with each other, with each one possessing complementary qualities and characteristics that combine comfortably to form a perfect balance.
compatibility
. The two people are ideally balanced with each other, with each one possessing complementary qualities and characteristics that combine comfortably to form a perfect balance.
People often say that “opposites attract.” This is a misunderstanding. Opposites attract in only one area, and that is
temperament
. You will always be most compatible with a person who has an opposite or counterbalancing temperament to your own.
temperament
. You will always be most compatible with a person who has an opposite or counterbalancing temperament to your own.
For example, if you are outgoing and extroverted, you will be most compatible with a person who is more reserved and self-contained. If you are voluble and expressive, you will be most compatible with a person who is relaxed and a good listener. Nature demands a balance in temperament for two people to be compatible and happy together.
In all other areas, especially in the area of
values
, it is similarities that attract. Birds of a feather do flock together. You will always be attracted to people and most compatible with those who have the greatest number of fundamental values in common with yourself.
values
, it is similarities that attract. Birds of a feather do flock together. You will always be attracted to people and most compatible with those who have the greatest number of fundamental values in common with yourself.
All of love, of any kind, is a response to
value
. We love what we most value, both in ourselves and others. When a couple is truly happy together, they seem to have very much the same values regarding family, money, ethics, work, children, politics, religion, and people.
value
. We love what we most value, both in ourselves and others. When a couple is truly happy together, they seem to have very much the same values regarding family, money, ethics, work, children, politics, religion, and people.
People will often point out that there are happy couples who vote for different parties or come from different religious backgrounds. But the critical issue in balance and harmony revolves around the
intensity
with which a person values something. This intensity determines if a person is absolute and unbending or relaxed and flexible in his or her adherence to a particular belief about a particular part of life.
intensity
with which a person values something. This intensity determines if a person is absolute and unbending or relaxed and flexible in his or her adherence to a particular belief about a particular part of life.
People can love and live together happily for many years even though they support different political parties, as long as political belief is not so important to either of them that it takes precedence over more important elements of their relationship such as children, family, and values.
It is said that “everything we do in life is either to get love, or to compensate for a lack of love.” Psychologists generally agree that the root cause of personality problems in adult life can be traced back to “love withheld” in infancy and childhood.
People need love like roses need rain. Without sufficient love and acceptance, individuals exhibit all kinds of personality and physical problems. It is only possible to be happy when your needs for love are completely fulfilled.
A happy marriage requires tremendous self-discipline and self-control. Love requires self-denial and sacrifice. When you are truly in love with another person, that person’s happiness and well-being become more important than your own. You are willing to pay whatever price and make whatever sacrifice in order to ensure the well-being of the person you love.
In the Christian Bible, in a letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul says, “Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love avengeth not itself, is not puffed up.
“Love doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not his own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
“Love rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
“Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never fails.”
Each person is an individual, with unique and special characteristics that make him or her different from all other people. Each person has different ideas, tastes, desires, hopes, dreams, and expectations. Each person has had different experiences and developed different ways of seeing and dealing with the world around him or her.
When you come together with another person in a loving relationship, no matter how close you feel to each other and no matter how compatible you may be in many ways, you will still have areas of disagreement, dissatisfaction, and discontent. This is normal and natural and something to be worked through by practicing self-discipline and self-control whenever these differences occur.
Self-discipline in a relationship requires that you be completely honest and open, that you be yourself and never try to be someone or something else. Self-discipline and honesty require that you state clearly what you are thinking and feeling, without anger or irritation, and that you listen calmly and patiently to the feelings, thoughts, and opinions of the other person.
Men and women are different in many ways. According to MRI scans, when men communicate, they use only two centers of their brains. When women communicate, they use seven centers of their brains. It is as though men have two headlights with which to communicate, whereas a woman’s brain is like a fully lit Christmas tree.
Men can process only
one
sensory input at a time, whereas women can process multiple sensory inputs. When a man is watching television, he does not see or hear anything else, including words spoken to him from the side or behind. He becomes totally fixated on the visual images and words on the screen.
one
sensory input at a time, whereas women can process multiple sensory inputs. When a man is watching television, he does not see or hear anything else, including words spoken to him from the side or behind. He becomes totally fixated on the visual images and words on the screen.
When a man is driving a car, he has to turn down the radio to read the map. He has to turn down the television or radio to answer the telephone. He cannot read and listen or watch at the same time. Men can do many things extremely well, but they can do only one thing at a time. Men tend to be very focused.
Women, on the other hand, can talk, make dinner, watch television, read the day’s mail, and talk to her children or husband all at once. They are multidimensional and can process several inputs simultaneously. They can talk and listen at the same time and be aware of what other people around them are doing and saying.
Women are relationship experts. They are very sensitive to other people. When a man and a woman attend a social gathering, within ten minutes, the woman will have done an analysis and assessment of the situation of each of the other people in the room. In contrast, the man accompanying the woman will have noticed little or nothing. This is because men are simple and straightforward in their thinking, whereas women are complex, aware of small details, and extremely sensitive to the dynamics and nuances of the relationships of the people around them.
A man can call his wife on the phone and say, “Hello.” Although she has only heard one word, she will immediately ask, “What’s wrong?” She can pick up a wealth of meaning and emotion from a single word on the phone or a single glance or look when he walks in the door.
Because of the many differences between men and women, it takes tremendous discipline to build and maintain a long-term, loving, and happy relationship.
Perhaps the most important area of mutual compatibility has to do with the discipline of
listening
. It is only when two people take the time to listen closely and carefully to each other when they speak that the lines of communications stay open, and this is when love and harmony continue in the relationship.
listening
. It is only when two people take the time to listen closely and carefully to each other when they speak that the lines of communications stay open, and this is when love and harmony continue in the relationship.
There are four simple disciplines of effective listening. They are mostly of importance to men, who are notoriously poor listeners, especially with the women in their lives. This is not because they are not interested. It is simply because their minds are focused on something else and they are easily distracted.
Listen Attentively.
The first discipline is to listen
attentively
, without interrupting. Listen as though the other person is about to reveal a great secret or the winning lottery number and you will hear it only once.
The first discipline is to listen
attentively
, without interrupting. Listen as though the other person is about to reveal a great secret or the winning lottery number and you will hear it only once.
When she wants to talk to you, if you are a man, put aside all possible distractions. Turn off the television or radio. Put down the newspaper or mail. Face her directly, lean slightly forward, and concentrate single-mindedly on what she is saying.
The book
His Needs, Her Needs
points out that the most important need that a woman has from a man is
affection
. Affection is expressed by paying total attention to her when she speaks. Since you always pay attention to what you most value, when you pay close attention to another person while she speaks, you tell that person that she is of great value to you. This satisfies the deepest subconscious needs of a woman—to feel valuable, important, and respected.
His Needs, Her Needs
points out that the most important need that a woman has from a man is
affection
. Affection is expressed by paying total attention to her when she speaks. Since you always pay attention to what you most value, when you pay close attention to another person while she speaks, you tell that person that she is of great value to you. This satisfies the deepest subconscious needs of a woman—to feel valuable, important, and respected.
Pause before Replying.
The second discipline of listening is to pause before replying. Take a few seconds to carefully consider what he or she has said. When you pause, you avoid the risk of interrupting the other person if she is just reformulating her thoughts. You tell her that you value what she said and that you are giving her words careful consideration.
The second discipline of listening is to pause before replying. Take a few seconds to carefully consider what he or she has said. When you pause, you avoid the risk of interrupting the other person if she is just reformulating her thoughts. You tell her that you value what she said and that you are giving her words careful consideration.
Another advantage of pausing, of allowing a silence in the conversation, is that it enables you to hear not only what was said, but also what was
not
said or what was said between the lines. The actual message soaks into a deeper level of your mind, enabling you to understand better and to therefore respond with greater awareness and sensitivity.
not
said or what was said between the lines. The actual message soaks into a deeper level of your mind, enabling you to understand better and to therefore respond with greater awareness and sensitivity.
Ask for Clarification.
The third discipline of effective listening is to question for clarification. Never assume that you automatically know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, if you are at all unclear, simply ask, “How do you mean?” or “How do you mean, exactly?”
The third discipline of effective listening is to question for clarification. Never assume that you automatically know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, if you are at all unclear, simply ask, “How do you mean?” or “How do you mean, exactly?”
It is when you ask questions and seek clarity and meaning that you demonstrate to the other person that you really care about what he or she is saying, and that you are genuinely interested in understanding how he or she thinks and feels.
Feed It Back.
The fourth discipline of effective listening is for you to feed back what the other person has said, and
paraphrase
it in your own words. This is the “acid test” of listening. This is where you demonstrate to the other person that you were genuinely paying attention. It is only when you can repeat back what the other person has just said, in your own words, that you prove to him or her that you were really listening.
The fourth discipline of effective listening is for you to feed back what the other person has said, and
paraphrase
it in your own words. This is the “acid test” of listening. This is where you demonstrate to the other person that you were genuinely paying attention. It is only when you can repeat back what the other person has just said, in your own words, that you prove to him or her that you were really listening.
Most problems in relationships arise because of poor communication. The couple does not talk together often enough or one or the other does not listen attentively when the other wants to speak.
Each person has an emotional need to
talk
a certain amount with his or her spouse. Each person also has an emotional need to
listen
a certain amount. The most compatible couples are those in whom the desire to talk and listen are in balance with each other. There is an easy ebb and flow of conversation, punctuated with comfortable silences. Each person gets a chance to fulfill his or her need for both talking and listening, and both parties are content.
talk
a certain amount with his or her spouse. Each person also has an emotional need to
listen
a certain amount. The most compatible couples are those in whom the desire to talk and listen are in balance with each other. There is an easy ebb and flow of conversation, punctuated with comfortable silences. Each person gets a chance to fulfill his or her need for both talking and listening, and both parties are content.
Love and marriage require total commitment on the part of both people. It takes tremendous discipline to go “all in” in a relationship. What’s more, this is also tremendously liberating. It is only when you are totally committed to a relationship with a single person that you are completely free to turn your attention toward fulfilling your potential in the other aspects of your life.
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