No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline (33 page)
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Authors: Brian Tracy
Tags: #Self Help, #Business, #Non-Fiction, #Psychology, #Inspirational
BOOK: No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline
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Of course, if you want your children to behave in a certain way, you must model that method of behavior continually, year after year. If you want your children to dress properly,
you
must dress properly. If you want your children to groom themselves properly,
you
must groom yourself properly as well. If you want your children to be organized and efficient,
you
must show them the way by being organized and efficient yourself.
you
must dress properly. If you want your children to groom themselves properly,
you
must groom yourself properly as well. If you want your children to be organized and efficient,
you
must show them the way by being organized and efficient yourself.
Remember each day that your children are going to behave the way that you behave for the rest of their lives. When you think like this, it forces you to practice higher levels of self-discipline and self-control, knowing that the consequences of your behaviors are going to affect your children’s chances in life many years from now.
The discipline of raising children so that they grow up with high self-esteem, being positive and confident in themselves and their own value, is one of the most important things you ever do. The results of your childrearing will last you all the years of your life.
Action Exercises:1. What two qualities would you like your children to identify with you by observing your behavior?2. What two qualities would you like most to instill in your children, and how could you achieve this?3. If you were an excellent role model for your children, how would your behaviors be different, starting today?4. What mistakes have your children made that you should forgive and forget about, starting immediately?5. What actions are you going to take immediately to spend more time with your children?6. What actions could you take to instill the quality of truthfulness in your children?7. How could you encourage and reward your children so that they practice greater self-discipline, self-control, and self-mastery?
Chapter 20
Self-Discipline and Friendship
“Everything you want in life has a price connected to it. There is a price to pay if you want to make things better, a price to pay for leaving things as they are, a price for everything.”
—HARRY BROWNE
F
ully 85 percent of your happiness will come from happy relationships with other people. Unfortunately, fully 85 percent of your problems and unhappiness will be associated with other people as well. Chapters 18 and 19 offered some ideas on how to have a happier marriage and raise happier children, but in addition to your family, of course, your friendships are also important to your well-being.
ully 85 percent of your happiness will come from happy relationships with other people. Unfortunately, fully 85 percent of your problems and unhappiness will be associated with other people as well. Chapters 18 and 19 offered some ideas on how to have a happier marriage and raise happier children, but in addition to your family, of course, your friendships are also important to your well-being.
It therefore behooves you to become absolutely excellent at human relations. Fortunately, this is a learnable skill. You can become one of the most popular people in your work and social circle by simply engaging in the behaviors that
other
popular people practice on a regular basis.
other
popular people practice on a regular basis.
Aristotle wrote that man is a social animal. This means that we define ourselves in terms of our relationships with other people. Our destinies are determined by our interactions with others and theirs with us. We learn who we are and know about ourselves only through interacting with other people.
Psychologists tell us that everything we do is either to build our self-esteem or to protect it from being torn down by other people. Each person is hypersensitive about his or her own sense of personal value and importance.
Your self-esteem—how you feel about yourself, how much you like yourself—is largely determined by your self-image, or the way you see and think about yourself. Your self-image is made up of three parts, like the three wedges of a pie, each touching the others:
1. First, your self-image is made up of
the way you see yourself.
This largely determines the way you walk, talk, behave, and interact with others.
2. The second part of your self-image is the way you
think
others see you. If you think other people like, respect, and admire you, you see yourself in a positive way and you enjoy higher feelings of self-esteem and self-importance.
3. The third part of your self-image is the way people
actually
do see you and treat you. If you think you are well liked and popular and someone treats you in a rude or disrespectful way, it can be a shock to your self-image and lower your self-esteem. On the other hand, if you see yourself as an average person, and the people you meet treat you as though you are a valuable and important person, you can experience a
positive
shock to your self-image that causes you to like and value yourself even more.
You are truly happy only when you feel that all three parts of your self-image coincide. You are happy only when you feel that the way you see yourself, the way you think others see you, and the way they actually see you all seem to be consistent in a particular situation.
In life, you seek out friendships and relationships with people who make you feel comfortable with the way you see yourself and think about yourself. When you are with people who treat you as if you are valuable and important, you enjoy higher levels of self-esteem. You like and respect yourself more. You feel happy in their presence.
For example, in school you always did better and got better grades when you felt that the teacher liked you and cared about you. At work, perhaps the greatest motivator is an attitude of
consideration
on the part of the boss toward the employee. Whenever an employee feels that the boss cares about him as a person rather than just as an employee, he feels more valuable and performs his job better.
consideration
on the part of the boss toward the employee. Whenever an employee feels that the boss cares about him as a person rather than just as an employee, he feels more valuable and performs his job better.
The secret to building and maintaining wonderful friendships and relationships is simple. It is for you to practice the Law of Indirect Effort in every interaction with other people.
You must get out of yourself and your own preoccupations in order to get into other people and how they might be thinking and feeling.
Therefore, if you want to have a friend, you must first
be
a friend. If you want people to like you, you should first
like them.
If you want people to respect you, you should first
respect them.
If you want to impress others, you should first
be impressed by them
. In this way, by approaching people indirectly, you appeal to their deepest subconscious needs.
be
a friend. If you want people to like you, you should first
like them.
If you want people to respect you, you should first
respect them.
If you want to impress others, you should first
be impressed by them
. In this way, by approaching people indirectly, you appeal to their deepest subconscious needs.
The deepest subconscious need that people have is the need to feel
important
. Since you have this need as well, whenever you practice the Law of Indirect Effort and focus on making other people feel important, you reinforce their self-image, increase their self-esteem, and make them feel happy about themselves—and by extension, about yourself.
important
. Since you have this need as well, whenever you practice the Law of Indirect Effort and focus on making other people feel important, you reinforce their self-image, increase their self-esteem, and make them feel happy about themselves—and by extension, about yourself.
Whenever you say or do anything to raise the self-esteem of another person, you trigger a “boomerang” effect that causes your own self-esteem to go up at the same time and in the same measure. You can never do or say anything to make another person feel better about himself without simultaneously feeling better about yourself.
It takes tremendous self-discipline and self-control for you to rise above yourself. Instead of trying to get other people to like you and be impressed by you, focus first on liking them and being impressed by them.
The key to excellent relationships with others is quite simple: Make them feel important. To the degree to which you can make other people feel important—starting with the members of your family and then extending outward to your friends and coworkers—you will become one of the most popular people in your world.
There are seven ways to make other people feel important. These are simple practices that you can learn through repetition.
1. Accept People the Way They Are:
One of the deepest cravings of human nature is to be accepted by other people without judgment, evaluation, or criticism. Psychologists call this behavior “unconditional positive regard.” This is when you accept the other person completely, without reservation, for exactly the way he or she is.
One of the deepest cravings of human nature is to be accepted by other people without judgment, evaluation, or criticism. Psychologists call this behavior “unconditional positive regard.” This is when you accept the other person completely, without reservation, for exactly the way he or she is.
Because most people are judgmental and critical, to be unconditionally accepted by another person raises that person’s self-esteem, reinforces his or her self-image, and makes that person feel happy about him or herself.
In the movie,
Bridget Jones Diary
, the entire focus was on the discovery by Bridget that she had found a man “who likes me just the way I am.” This was considered to be such an amazing thing to happen. All her friends were astonished that anyone could ever have a relationship based on unconditional acceptance by another person.
Bridget Jones Diary
, the entire focus was on the discovery by Bridget that she had found a man “who likes me just the way I am.” This was considered to be such an amazing thing to happen. All her friends were astonished that anyone could ever have a relationship based on unconditional acceptance by another person.
When you look at other people and give them a genuine smile, they feel happier about themselves. Their self-esteem goes up. They feel more valuable and important.
When you stop thinking about yourself and the impression you are making on others and instead start thinking
about
others and the impression they are making on you, you can relax. You take a deep breath and just smile at people when you meet them and greet them both at home and at work. It is one of the most powerful self-esteem and relationship-building behaviors you can do. Smiling at people makes them feel important and valuable.
about
others and the impression they are making on you, you can relax. You take a deep breath and just smile at people when you meet them and greet them both at home and at work. It is one of the most powerful self-esteem and relationship-building behaviors you can do. Smiling at people makes them feel important and valuable.
2. Show Your Appreciation for Others:
Whenever you appreciate another person for anything that he or she has done or said, you raise that person’s self-esteem and make him or her feel more important. Expressions of appreciation—from small nods and smiles all the way through to cards, letters, and gifts—raise people’s self-esteem and cause them to like themselves more. As a result, by the Law of Indirect Effort, they will like you more as well.
Whenever you appreciate another person for anything that he or she has done or said, you raise that person’s self-esteem and make him or her feel more important. Expressions of appreciation—from small nods and smiles all the way through to cards, letters, and gifts—raise people’s self-esteem and cause them to like themselves more. As a result, by the Law of Indirect Effort, they will like you more as well.
The simplest way to express appreciation is to simply say, “Thank you.” The words “thank you” are deeply appreciated in any language, anywhere in the world. I have traveled in ninety countries, and the very first thing I do is learn the words for “please” and “thank you.” Each time you use those words, people brighten up, smile, and feel happy to be in your presence.
Every time you say thank you, it has an almost magical effect on the other person. It makes him feel important and far happier about being in your presence and helping you with anything you need.
3. Be Agreeable:
The most welcomed people in every situation are those who are generally agreeable and positive with others. On the other hand, argumentative people who question, complain, and disagree are seldom welcome anywhere.
The most welcomed people in every situation are those who are generally agreeable and positive with others. On the other hand, argumentative people who question, complain, and disagree are seldom welcome anywhere.
When you nod, smile, and agree with another person when he or she is talking or expressing an opinion, you make that person feel intelligent, respected, valuable, and important. When you are agreeable with another person, even if he says something with which you may not be in complete accord, you make that person feel happy to be in your presence.
In my work as a professional speaker, I meet thousands of people each year. They come up to me and often express opinions on subjects on which I am often well informed and they obviously are not. Sometimes they say ridiculous things that are either not true or make no sense.
In every case, however, I smile and agree, nodding and asking them questions and listening to them express their ideas and opinions. They go away feeling that they have had a good conversation with the speaker and that I probably agree with them. It costs me nothing and it makes them happy. It makes them feel important.
4. Show Your Admiration:
People usually invest a lot of personal emotion in their possessions, traits, and accomplishments. When you admire something belonging to another person, it makes him feel happy about himself. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Everybody likes a compliment.”
People usually invest a lot of personal emotion in their possessions, traits, and accomplishments. When you admire something belonging to another person, it makes him feel happy about himself. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Everybody likes a compliment.”
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