No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline (31 page)
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Authors: Brian Tracy
Tags: #Self Help, #Business, #Non-Fiction, #Psychology, #Inspirational
BOOK: No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline
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One of the most important disciplines in a marriage or relationship is that of
faithfulness
. Because we live in a highly sexualized society, there are temptations and provocations around us all the time and virtually everywhere we go. It often takes considerable self-discipline and self-control to be completely loyal to your spouse throughout your married life.
faithfulness
. Because we live in a highly sexualized society, there are temptations and provocations around us all the time and virtually everywhere we go. It often takes considerable self-discipline and self-control to be completely loyal to your spouse throughout your married life.
There are two ways to help you avoid the regular temptations that can damage or even destroy the most loving of relationships.
First, make a decision, in advance, that you will never, never be unfaithful to your spouse. Like drawing a line in the sand, make the decision in advance that no matter what happens, you will not stray for any reason.
Second, discipline yourself to stay out of harm’s way. Refuse to go anywhere or do anything where temptation may exist. Except when essential for business purposes, avoid having lunch, drinks, or dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex. Remember, there is safety in crowds.
Continually imagine, everywhere you go and in everything you do, that your spouse is standing right next to you, watching and listening to what you say and do. Imagine that anything and everything you do, no matter where you are, is going to be reported back to your spouse within twenty-four hours. Use your discipline and willpower to build and maintain a reputation for being a completely honest and faithful spouse.
Every marriage is a “work in progress.” As time passes, the nature of your marriage will change, usually in positive and constructive ways.
To keep your relationship happy, harmonious, and growing, you must be willing to change in response to changing circumstances, especially having children and watching them grow up. You need to be prepared to change with age, new jobs and careers, physical moves from one part of the country to another, changes in financial circumstances, and changes in health. Flexibility is absolutely essential to a long, happy marriage.
There are only
four
ways that you can change your life. First, you can do
more
of some things. Second, you can do
less
of other things. Third, you can
start
something that you have never done before. And fourth, you can
stop
certain things altogether. Whenever you are experiencing resistance or frustration or you are confronted with the need for change, ask yourself, “Is there anything that I need to do more of, less of, start, or stop doing?”
four
ways that you can change your life. First, you can do
more
of some things. Second, you can do
less
of other things. Third, you can
start
something that you have never done before. And fourth, you can
stop
certain things altogether. Whenever you are experiencing resistance or frustration or you are confronted with the need for change, ask yourself, “Is there anything that I need to do more of, less of, start, or stop doing?”
On a regular basis, you should sit down with your spouse and later with your children to have the courage to ask them these four questions:
1. Is there anything that I am doing that you would like me to do more of?
2. Is there anything that I am doing that you would like me to do less of?
3. Is there anything that you would like me to start doing that I am not doing today?
4. Is there anything that I am doing that you would like me to stop doing altogether?
When you have the courage and discipline to ask these questions of your spouse and your children on a regular basis, you will be amazed at the quality and depth of the answers you receive. You will get continual guidance on how you can modify and adjust your behaviors to maintain higher levels of harmony, happiness, and love with your spouse and the other members of your family.
Love and marriage are perhaps the most important elements of a happy, fulfilling life. They require a lifelong exercise of self-discipline and willpower to create and maintain harmony. They require that you be open, honest, and candid at all times.
Most of all, a happy, a loving marriage requires that you see your spouse as your
best friend
. There should be no one in the world who you would rather spend time with more than him or her. There should be no one with whom you are more open and honest than with him or her. When you see your spouse as your best friend and treat him or her as such, you can create a loving relationship that lasts all the days of your lives.
best friend
. There should be no one in the world who you would rather spend time with more than him or her. There should be no one with whom you are more open and honest than with him or her. When you see your spouse as your best friend and treat him or her as such, you can create a loving relationship that lasts all the days of your lives.
As Emmet Fox, a spiritual writer and teacher, wrote,
Love is by far the most important thing of all. It casts out fear. It is the fulfilling of the law. It covers a multitude of sins. Love is absolutely invincible.There is no difficulty that enough love will not cure; no disease that enough love will not heal; no door that enough love will not open; no gulf that enough love will not bridge; no wall that enough love will not throw down; no sin that enough love will not redeem.It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake; a sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world.
In the next chapter, you will learn specifically why self-discipline is so important when raising happy, healthy, and self-confident
children
.
children
.
Action Exercises:1. What is the most important single action you could take, right now, to increase the love and harmony in your marriage or relationship?2. What disciplines or practices could you develop that would improve the quality of your marriage for the other person?3. Identify one behavior you could engage in that would improve your communications in your marriage.4. Sit down with your spouse and ask him/her for ideas for things that you should do more of, less of, start, or stop doing.5. Identify the two qualities that you most admire in your partner.6. Identify the areas in which you and your partner are the most compatible.7. Identify the most important values that you and your partner share.
Chapter 19
Self-Discipline and Children
“Right discipline exists, not in external compulsion, but in habits of mind which lead spontaneously to desirable rather than undesirable activities.”
—BERTRAND RUSSELL
Y
ou can calculate the value or importance of something you do by measuring the possible
consequences
of doing or not doing it. Something that is important is something that has significant potential consequences, like jumping out of the path of a speeding car. Bringing children into the world has consequences that can go on for eighty years (which is the average life expectancy of a person today) and beyond, into the lives of your grandchildren and great grandchildren. This is why becoming a parent is one of the most important things you will ever do.
ou can calculate the value or importance of something you do by measuring the possible
consequences
of doing or not doing it. Something that is important is something that has significant potential consequences, like jumping out of the path of a speeding car. Bringing children into the world has consequences that can go on for eighty years (which is the average life expectancy of a person today) and beyond, into the lives of your grandchildren and great grandchildren. This is why becoming a parent is one of the most important things you will ever do.
As an adult, you are still affected today by things that your grandparents did or didn’t do to or for your parents. The way you treat your children is strongly influenced by the way your parents treated you. It has consequences that cascade down the generations, and it has an enormous influence on their lifelong happiness and well-being.
When you have a child, a high level of self-discipline is essential in order to fulfill your commitment and deliver on your responsibility. The day your first child is born, you have taken on a minimum twenty-year commitment to do everything possible to raise your child as a happy, healthy, and self-confident adult.
At every stage of your child’s life, your words, actions, nonactions, and behaviors are shaping and influencing that child and determining how he or she will turn out as an adult.
The greatest need that a child has is for an unbroken flow of
unconditional
love and acceptance from his or her parents. Children need love almost as much as they need oxygen. The amount of love that a child receives, especially in his or her formative years, is the critical determinant of how healthy and happy he or she becomes as an adult.
unconditional
love and acceptance from his or her parents. Children need love almost as much as they need oxygen. The amount of love that a child receives, especially in his or her formative years, is the critical determinant of how healthy and happy he or she becomes as an adult.
How does a child spell “love”? T-I-M-E. Children determine how valuable and important they are and develop their self-esteem and self-worth by measuring the amount of time that the most important people in their lives spend with them when they are young. There is no substitute for time, and once gone, you cannot make it up. Perhaps the greatest regret reported by parents is that “I didn’t spend enough time with my child when he or she was young.”
When you become a parent, you must
discipline
yourself and organize your life so you can spend ample time with your child throughout his or her growing years. You must discipline yourself to cut back, reduce, downsize, and eliminate other activities that prevent you from being an excellent parent.
discipline
yourself and organize your life so you can spend ample time with your child throughout his or her growing years. You must discipline yourself to cut back, reduce, downsize, and eliminate other activities that prevent you from being an excellent parent.
A WAKE-UP CALLSome years ago, a good friend of mine got married. He was an avid golfer, and he regularly played golf five times a week, often flying south in the winter for golf vacations when his local golf courses were covered with snow.Within four years of marrying, he and his wife had four children. Nonetheless, he still tried to play golf several times a week, taking time off from his business during the week and playing on weekends.Finally, his wife confronted him and told him that he was not spending enough time with his young children. His golf was taking up too many hours that would be better spent at home with her and with the children, especially during their most vulnerable and sensitive years.He suddenly realized that his life had changed. The things that he could do when he was single were no longer possible when he had young children. Being highly responsible and self-disciplined, he immediately cut back his golf to once per week and rechanneled his time and energy into his family. He told me later that it made an extraordinary difference to his marriage and to his relationships with his young children.
When you get married, your life goes though a major shift. Your lifestyle changes, and many of your common activities lose their importance and urgency.
When your first child is born, your life shifts again. It often feels as if the first stage of your life—your youth—has dropped off, like the first stage of a rocket, and you are now on a different trajectory in life. In fact, it is not uncommon for couples to change their lives completely when their first child is born. They cut back or discontinue many of their previous social activities. They stop dining and drinking with friends, and they stop going out socially on the weekends.
They begin to build a different life together around their home and children. The children become the focus of their time and attention. The children become the primary subject of their conversations.
Responsible parents approach childrearing as the most important part of their lives. They plan and organize their time and activities so they can fulfill this responsibility at a high level.
Children force you to think long-term. When you realize that everything that you do or fail to do with your children in their formative years will have a lasting impact for generations to come, you become far more thoughtful and sensitive to the things you say and the way you treat them.
When you are young and single, you can “let it all hang out.” You can blow up, get angry, express your feelings freely, and “be your own person.” But when you have a child, you need to impose a higher level of discipline and self-control on yourself.
Children are hypersensitive to the influence of their parents during their formative years. They see and experience each word and reaction of their parents, and they incorporate those words and actions into their world view and self-image.
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