Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman (12 page)

We’re two smart women. Let’s make it work. I need to serve you. Let’s just say that what ever we say in the game doesn’t count in real life.

ME

So if I say something really cruel to you in the game, you will know that it doesn’t mean anything in real life, right?

REGINA

Totally. When I told you “Fuck you” did you think there
may be a kernel of real hostility toward you?

ME

No, but it did jolt me away from my real self quickly. I went instantly to the Mistress bitch.

REGINA

Bitch is right. You’re a harsh one. Ok, the game is its own world. No crossover.

ME

S
hould we have separate names for the characters in the game?

REGINA

No. It’s cooler to be called Slave Regina and Mistress Meg than some fake names we don’t relate to.

ME

Maybe you’re right.

REGINA

It feels real to me.

ME

What, the game?

REGINA

It feels like I’m literally a different person. It doesn’t feel like an act.  What about you?

ME

Oh, it’s real alright.

REGINA

When I’m with Tucker, I’m mommy. When he’s gone, I’m someone else. I listen to different music and have different thoughts. And when we play the game, I’m someone else entirely.

ME

I could never dream of hurting you or being mean to you in real life. But in the game, you bring that out in me.

REGINA

Do you want to be monogamous with me?

I must say
, I was blindsided by this! First of all, it really put me on the spot. I didn’t see this coming at all. Secondly, I was really afraid… afraid of being in some kind of gay relationship. It was so foreign to me. I have no idea why I was so scared of that concept. Mainly, it was because I never would have considered myself in such a category. Most of my adult life, I had practically been a sex-addict with guys. I needed some kind of sex at least once a day. Granted, it was usually by myself. 

So there I was standing on the stairs looking up at this amazing creature who seems to fit me in every way I can imagine and the only drawback is that she happened to have been born with a vagina.

And that’s another thing… what would it be like to never get dick again? Would I be cool with a monogamous relationship where no penises were involved… ever? Actually, I read that the average dick is only five inches long. That’s not even as long as my hand! So why was I so hung up on the idea of guys?

And then does monogamy mean we are out in public as a couple? Does it mean we go to weddings, funerals, graduations, and Thanksgivings with each other? Would we be an “item” just like straight couples?  Then does that all lead to the inevitable next step of co-habitation and ultimately marriage? Then would I be a step mom to Tucker? Agghh! It all just freaked me out!!!

On the other hand, I have never been as sexually turned on in my life as I have with Regina and our game. On a scale of hotness, it was fucking lava. During most of the time at work, I would be so turned on thinking of her that I had to swap out my panties for fresh ones a couple times. I’m serious. With thoughts like that, who needs a penis?  Plus, it’s even kinkier to play with strap-ons. That very word seems so naughty and hot… and they don’t even shoot out gross stuff at the end. I’d love to wear a strap-on and watch Regina give me a blowjob on it!

But I guess the monogamous bomb made everything feel so serious. It would be crossing the ocean with no compass. My heart told me to go for it, but my head told me maybe I was just in “lust” with Regina and it would fade or fall apart once the novelty wore off.

Regina must have watched me process all of this in an instant or two. She looked really hurt and confused as I was standing there wondering how to respond. I think she was expecting an immediate “YES! Let’s go steady” instead of my shocked expression. She looked like she was going to cry when the conversation continued:

REGINA

No worries. It was a dumb question. I
gotta get going.

I grabbed her hand and tried in vein to pull her in for a closer conversation.

ME

Wait, Regina! I didn’t even say anything.

REGINA

Your face did. I gotta go.

And she turned around and headed back up the stairs to change back into her clothes. I followed and begged:

ME

Regina, please!  Let’s talk about it. I was just surprised, that’s all. I was just digesting the concept. That is something very serious and it needs serious consideration.

REGINA

It’s not easy for me, either.  But this is magic. It’s beyond reasoning.

ME

I agree. It’s amazing on every level.

REGINA

Then what’s behind your hesitation? My age? You want to play the field more? It’s moving too fast? Or… is it that I’m a woman?

She closed the door to the bathroom so she could change in private. I waited outside the door. A few moments later, she charged out and made a beeline for the front door.

ME

Regina, please give me a chance! I just want to process it a little bit. Everything is so new and crazy.

REGINA

Process all you want.

And she left without a hug or “goodbye.”  I had no idea what had just happened. There I was having the best day of my life with the most special person I have ever encountered and then it all blows up as soon as I don’t immediately answer if I want to be monogamous with her or not.

For the past several hours, I have been crying off and on. In my heart of hearts, I can’t envision a scenario where we won’t end up together. I am so sleepy. I just drank a glass of wine and now I’m hoping I can go to sleep and wake up in the morning to learn that her departure was a little blip of a bad dream.  C’mon, Regina. Let’s be together.   Today was the best of days and the worst of days.  Goodnight.

--- FRIDAY MARCH 30 --- Exploring the game

Good morning, Diary. I hope you had better night’s sleep than me. Mostly I tossed and turned and had dreams of Regina. All the dreams were good. I’m going to make a cup of coffee and take a bath where Regina did last night.

I just had a nice bubble bath. With a latte and a bubble bath, a girl can get a fresh perspective on things.  I decided I wanted to reach out to Regina and have a mature talk about all this.  I can be open with her. We agreed to never play games. She would surely be receptive.  And right on cue, the phone rang. It was her. She said she was sorry about dashing off and wanted to speak with me about it. I told her I was about to call her to say the same thing. Her tone was warm and sweet and mine was the same. We clearly both wanted to work though the monogamy issue and get back on track. We decided to meet for early dinner at Capannina in Cow Hollow.  (Vegetarians can always find comfort in Italian food)

At work, I was quiet. There was a meeting with the team about a new commercial. Part of me was in the meeting, my head. Everyone must have thought I was really together… like I was on my game, because they kept deferring to me for answers. But inside, I was wondering what Regina was doing. Meaning, I was wondering what she was doing in her mind with “us.” Where did she see this going? How would it all play out? How could it play out? In five years, what would we be looking back on? Would it be a pivotal moment in a deep, lasting relationship, or merely a recreational activity between two people a long time ago? Even the very idea of looking 5 years out was nerve-racking to me.

Soon enough, it was time to head over to Capannina for dinner. I arrived 15 minutes early… and so did she. I guess we both took our future seriously enough to be ultra-punctual. In order to keep a straightforward tone to our meeting, I wore jeans, a basic black top, and flats.

But Regina apparently didn't get the memo. When I saw her walking up, my jaw dropped!! Along with an adorable butterscotch sleeveless, simple French floral print dress, she wore some classic mules. Oh, and she had on the shoulder-length, kid leather opera gloves I had just given her! Talk about making a statement with accessories! She looked like a hipper, more slender version of Jackie O. with a twist of Vogue Magazine Paris!  The gloves had the effect of setting off both the outfit and me! She noticed me checking out her gloves and played coy. I could see the restaurant patrons checking her out and whispering strong approval for her outfit. She also sported a burgundy scarf around her neck. Friggin fashion plate.

We gave each other a gentle hug and looked into each other's eyes for a few beats. The hug clearly told us both that whatever obstacles were there about being together were only obstacles, not dead ends. We exchanged simple greetings that were loaded with more emotion than the few words we spoke. We were about to enter into a crossroads type of conversation that could literally change our lives forever.

Possible outcomes were agreeing to monogamy, casual sex from time to time, or worst case… breaking up. There was a lot at stake. It was best to manifest destiny now instead of later when we would be more entangled in each other's hearts. Que Sera, Sera.

But I was positive about one thing; I was determined to be honest and gentle with my new best friend. I was feeling optimistic that we could make it all work. But honestly, I had no idea how our relationship would look at the end of this dinner.

We sat at the side table and between ordering and dining, I remember the conversation unfolding like this:

ME

You wore the gloves.

REGINA

You noticed.

ME

How was your day?

REGINA

Confusing. I’m trying to make sense of all this.

ME

Same here.

And there was some awkward silence.

REGINA

I didn’t mean to pout off last night.

ME

It’s ok. I didn’t mean to freeze up. There were just too many things racing in my head to process.

Question: were you ever submissive with your Ex?

REGINA

Never. He was abusive… but it wasn’t consensual. It was ugly. And I have never kissed a girl before you. It never even crossed my mind.

ME

Do you still like Guys?

REGINA

Since we have been… ahem… seeing each other, I realized that maybe I was never fully attracted to guys. With you, it is fire. I have never felt fire in my life. What about you… liking guys?

ME

I was always attracted to their bodies. I still am. The idea of them always wanting to fuck is sexy too me… the idea of being overpowered by their sheer size and strength always appealed to me sexually.  But I agree with you about the fire. With guys, it was never there in reality. But with you, it’s there.

REGINA

Are you naturally submissive? Are we doing this wrong?

ME

No. I’m naturally dominant.  My fantasies in the past have me hurting and dominating someone else
. But then I like to think about what the “victim” would feel, and so I inverse the fantasy. I know, this sounds so complicated.

Here’s an example: Right before I met you, I was fantasizing about this woman in my bedroom who would watch me masturbate. She was very powerful and had an air of superiority. In my mind
, I was the woman
watching myself. I would tie up my ankles with a belt and pretend that I was the woman’s slave. In other words, I was dominantly watching the slave masturbate, even though it was me. I’m sorry. Fantasies and dreams are weird.