Parts & Labor (16 page)

"Welcome
to my world."

"Thank
you," Norbert said.

Then
he farted.

We
caught up with Mom and Scarlett and Maddy at the check-out lane. They were
piling groceries onto the conveyor belt, and the check-out lady was running
each item over the scanner. Mom used to joke that Whole Foods meant
"Whole Paycheck" because she spent so much money when she shopped
here. We've had to be more frugal now.

"Did
you boys get a treat?"

"Yes,"
Norbert said.

He
dumped the strawberry milk cartons onto the conveyer belt. Half were empty.

"Dude,"
I said. "How many did you drink?"

Norbert
burped. "Nine. And I am purchasing more for later."

Mom counted the cartons.

"Norbert!
You've got twenty-seven cartons."

Norbert
smiled. "They are excellent."

"They're
expensive. That's almost forty dollars!"

"He
likes human food," I said.

"Yes,
especially barbecue."

He
held out the receipt from the barbecue counter because you paid when you
checked out. Mom looked at the receipt and gasped.

"Thirty-two
dollars! For barbecue?"

"He
eats a lot," I said.

Norbert
put the cupcake bag on the conveyor.

"And
cupcakes," he said.

"Thirty-nine
dollars?"

Mom peeked in her wallet, and her face got the same expression as when she opened those PAST DUE
bills.

"How
will I pay for all this?"

"I
have money," Norbert said.

He
handed Mom a $100 bill.

"No,
Norbert, I don't want your money."

"I
have many more such bills."

He
dug his money roll out of his pocket. Mom's eyes got wide.

"He
carries a lot of cash," I said.

"Where'd
you get all that money?"

"My
father."

"Where'd
he get it?"

"Oh. We print it."

"
You
print it?
"

Mom's eyes cut from the $100 bill to the pile of groceries on the conveyor belt to the other
people standing in line and looking funny at us and then back to Norbert's
money. She snatched the $100 bill from Norbert and handed it to the check-out
lady—who was frowning big time. Now her eyes cut from Mom to Norbert to the
$100 bill. Mom laughed like she did when we embarrassed her in public.

"Kids,"
she said. "They watch too much TV."

The
check-out lady looked at us like we were criminals.

"Uh-huh."

She
pulled out a yellow marker and ran it across the $100 bill. She held the bill
up and examined it closely. Then she shrugged.

"It's
good."

On
the way down the escalator with our basket of food, Mom leaned down to me and
said, "I thought his father works for the government?"

"He
does," I said. "Their government."

 

 

"Cup
check!"

It
was Saturday morning, and the team was again lining up, Coach Slimes was again
rapping a metal bat against each player's cup to make sure that everyone was wearing
the league-mandated protection, and I was again daydreaming, but not of
all-beef hot dogs. Today, my mind was focused on saving the world from the
aliens next door—from the three-and-a-half-foot-tall alien wearing green clogs,
red sunglasses, and a blue baseball cap on backwards (where'd he get that
from?) and giving me a thumbs-up from just outside the fence. So I was again
not expecting to be cup-checked. Coach rapped me really hard with the metal
bat.

"Ow!"

I
turned to Coach, who was now holding his right arm as if it were broken.

"You
okay, Coach?"

"What
kind of cup are you wearing, Max? Dang near broke my arm."

"Oh,
sorry, Coach, I forgot my cup again. I'll go man up."

"You're
not wearing a cup?"

Norbert
was grinning.

The
guys showed up for the game wearing made-in-America flip-flops; Sunny wore red
rubber clogs, also made in America. I introduced them to Norbert, and they sat
in the stands with Mom and Scarlett and Maddy. I dropped a ball in the
outfield in the first inning, but when I returned to the dugout Coach Slimes just
said, "Good try, Max."

That
was different.

I
came up to bat in the second inning with two men on. I looked back at
Norbert. He nodded. So I dug in and swung with great force and hit the ball
over the right field fence. We won 3-2. When I walked out of the dugout, I
saw Vic and his gang shaking their heads. I gave them my Hulk pose. Okay, I
was getting a little cocky, but it was fun. I went over to the guys by the
bleachers.

"Wow,
a home run!" Dee said. "That was unbelievable!"

Dee
and I bumped chests like the pros. Norbert liked that move, so he tried it
with Dee but knocked him down.

"Strong
for a little guy," Dee said from the ground.

Norbert
gave me a chest-bump and then Eddie, who staggered back but didn't fall. Norbert
turned to Sunny, but she frowned and said, "Don't even think about it."

I
pointed down at Sunny's red clogs.

"See,
Norbert, we're not wearing sneakers made in foreign sweatshops anymore."

"That
is commendable, Max, but what about your baseball shoes?"

"What
about them?"

"Where were they made?"

"Uh,
I don't know."

"China."

"You're
kidding?"

"Your
bat, your helmet, your ball—they were also made in China."

"My
official major league baseball?"

"Yes."

"My
bat, too?"

Norbert
nodded. "And your glove."

"I
thought baseball was the American pastime."

"Perhaps.
But the equipment is made in China."

"Dang."

"You
see, Max, it is not easy to change your world."

It
wasn't.

"But
that was a good hit," Norbert said.

"Who
wants hot dogs made in America?" Mom said.

We
all raised our hands, then broke and ran for the concession stand. Norbert
couldn't run very fast in his human suit, so I stopped running and walked with
him.

"Thanks
for the home run."

"You
are welcome." After a moment, Norbert said, "So they are your best
human friends? Sunny, Eddie, and Dee?"

"Yeah,
they are."

"Did
you tell them about me, too?"

At
first I thought about lying, then I decided not to.

"Sorry."

"Can
they keep a secret … better than you?" Norbert smiled. "It is
all right, Max. I want to know your friends, too. I enjoy the company of
humans. And human food."

We
ate hot dogs, then Mom took us to Amy's for ice cream. After that we drove
back home and climbed up onto the top deck of the playscape in my backyard. I
spend a lot of time up here since Dad.

"My
dad made this," I said to Norbert.

"Yes,
I know."

"How
do you know?"

"I
know your family well."

"You
do?"

"We
know everything about every human."

"On
our street?"

"On
your planet."

Butch
the pit bull started to bark at us, but he spotted Norbert and ducked inside
his doghouse. Eddie was staring at Norbert.

"You
know, Norbert, anyone can say they're an alien. Can you prove it?"

Norbert
pointed his finger at Eddie and lifted him into the air.

"Okay,"
Eddie said. "You're an alien."

"Max
has asked me many questions," Norbert said. "Would you also like to
ask me questions?"

The
others nodded.

"Ask."

"Every
galaxy has a black hole in its center, right?" Sunny said.

"Yes."

"Have
you ever been inside a black hole?"

"Yes."

"What's
it like?"

"Black."

"Why
are they there?"

"Shortcuts
between galaxies."

"Neat."

"How
big are you, really?" Eddie asked.

"About
this size. But we do not grow much bigger. My father is just a little taller,
so his human suit is modified to make him appear a more normal height here on
Earth."

"Do
you guys eat Twinkies, too?" Dee asked.

"Excellent
question," I said. "Twinkies definitely have the necessary shelf
life for intergalactic travel."

"If
you got stranded in space, you could survive for years on Twinkies," Dee said. "I know I've tried."

"I
do not know Twinkies," Norbert said.

"Dee knows them real well."

Dee reached into his backpack and pulled out a package of creamy Twinkies. He offered a
Twinkie to Norbert.

"Here."

Norbert
took the Twinkie then poked it and tasted his finger. He poked again, deeper
this time, and his finger had the white creamy filling on it. He stuck his
finger in his mouth. Then he opened his mouth and inserted the Twinkie whole.
Dee's eyes got wide.

"I've
never seen anyone eat a Twinkie that way."

Norbert
swallowed then smiled. "I have never felt more satisfied in my entire
existence. Where can I obtain more Twinkies?"

"Everywhere
fine foods are sold," Dee said. "Like 7-Eleven."

"Do
you have more?" Norbert said.

"Uh,
well, yeah. Two more."

Norbert
reached into his pocket and pulled out his wad of bills. He held a $100 bill
out to Dee.

"I
will pay. Here."

"No,
Norbert," Dee said. "Twinkies don't cost that much. Here, you can
have them."

"I
will buy more and give many to you."

"Yeah,
okay. Thanks."

Norbert
ate the other Twinkies in the same manner. His face glowed. And he talked. Fast.
(Twinkies will give you a heck of a sugar high.) We learned more about his
government's plan to conquer Earth. Only the way he explained things, it
didn't seem so diabolical. He made it sound almost human. After the sugar
wore off, Norbert said, "I feel tired."

Dee checked his watch and said, "Hey, it's game time. Cowboys versus Giants."

"We
can watch it inside," I said.

"I
have a much bigger screen," Norbert said.

We
agreed that was the better course of action and followed Norbert over to his
house. Norbert was now giving the guys a brief demonstration of his technology.
Dee whistled.

"And
I thought the iPhone was the coolest thing I'd ever seen."

"Your
stuff makes us look like cave men," Eddie said.

I
asked Norbert to show the others where Kim-Ly worked. He spoke static and the
screen changed to the factory where the Legend Jones sneakers were made and
then zoomed in on a young girl.

"That's
Kim-Ly," I said.

We
watched her sewing a sneaker like she was a robot.

"Norbert,"
Sunny said, "can you burn a CD showing Kim-Ly making those sneakers? We
could play it on my laptop at our boycott table."

Norbert
spoke static to the machine then removed a CD from the machine and handed it to
Sunny.

"Done."

"Thanks."

"Let
us watch this game."

He
took us into another room with a big screen—and when I say big, I mean big. I
had never seen a TV screen like it. The picture was incredibly sharp, and the screen
covered one entire wall of the room. Several couches faced the screen, so we
plopped down and got comfortable. Norbert flicked through the channels until
he found the game. One hundred thousand fans were packed into the new Cowboys
stadium outside Dallas. Their faces were painted in the blue and silver team
colors.

"Where
are the horses?" Norbert asked.

"What
horses?"

"For the cowboys to ride."

"Oh.
They're not real cowboys. That's the team name."

"And
the other players are not real giants."

"
'Fraid not."

"That
is disappointing."

"That's
a disease," Sunny said, pointing at the screen. "Football."

Norbert
studied the game intently. Big guys hit, tackled, blocked, grabbed, and flung each
other to the green artificial turf.

"My,
that is a rough game," Norbert said.

"Only
really stupid life forms would play such a game, don't you think?" I said.

"What
is the purpose of this game?" Norbert asked.

"No
one really knows."

"Grownups
hitting each other like that," I said, "that proves humans aren't a very
smart species."

Norbert
nodded. "Yes, that is a very violent game."

I
smiled at the guys. I thought football had saved the world. I thought wrong.

"But,"
Norbert said, "it is nothing compared to our national sport."

"What's
that?"

"In
your language, it would be called 'Catch'."

"Like
playing catch with a baseball?"

"Not
exactly."

"How
do you play?"

"Each
team has one hundred players. Ten at a time are carried into the atmosphere
approximately eight miles in your measurement, then dropped. The others remain
on the ground and attempt to catch their teammates."

"They
float down on parachutes?"

"No
parachutes."

"They
just fall?"

"Yes."

"But
they'd be going really fast when they hit the ground," Sunny said.
"How can their teammates catch them?"

"Many
times they do not, so their existence is terminated. And when they do, often
the catcher's existence is terminated by the impact."

"That's
crazy."

"Their
families are well compensated."

"Who
wins?"

"The
last survivor."

We
left when the game ended. Outside, Dee said, "Well, Plan A didn't work.
What's Plan B?"

 

 

Plan
B: We would save the world by showing Norbert reality TV. That's about as
stupid as a life form can get.