Parts & Labor (17 page)

"While
I'm at school today," I said to Norbert that Monday morning on our front
porch, "I want you to watch the entire last season of
The Bachelor.
"

"What
is the show about?"

"A bunch of girls compete for a bachelor."

"An
unmarried human male. Why?"

"Because
he's what every girl wants—rich and handsome with ripped abs."

"Human
females compete to mate with one human male? That does not seem like an advanced
civilization."

"It's
TV, not the SAT."

Norbert
shrugged. "I will do as you ask."

"Can
you get all the episodes with your technology?"

"Yes." Norbert smiled. "I was bored one day, while
we were in Los Angeles, so I watched episodes of
Lost
all day. My father
came home and had to administer an electric shock to jolt me back into consciousness.
I had lapsed into a stupor." He shrugged. "It happens."

During
lunch we manned our boycott table. We played Norbert's CD in loops on Sunny's laptop.
I saw Kim-Ly's face a hundred times that day. I felt like I knew her. The
other kids couldn't believe where Legend Jones sneakers were made. Some
students got real disgusted and took off their Legends and dropped them into
the barrel right there during lunch. We now had a bunch of made-in-America flip-flops
and clogs to swap out for their sneakers. The editor of the school newspaper
interviewed us and took pictures.

After
school I went straight to Norbert's house and knocked on the front door. He
opened the door and said, "Hurry." He turned and walked fast into
the room with the big screen on the wall. I followed. On the screen was a guy
in a suit holding a rose. Two women stood before him.
The Bachelor.

"Brad is about to select his mate."

Norbert
plopped down on the edge of the couch and put his hands in front of his face as
if praying. He closed his eyes.

"I
cannot bear to look," he said. "I am hoping Mandy wins Brad's
heart."

"
What?
You like this show?"

"Max,
these humans are remarkable. Brad is an authentic cowboy on a working Montana ranch. You should see him ride the horse creature! And he is a single father
raising a young daughter, her name is Shelby. She is seven and desperately
needs a mother. Mandy instructs young humans and has long dreamed of having a
family, but she has never found her soul mate, although I do not know what that
means. Max, they would be perfect together."

"Oh,
good grief."

Tuesday
was
Dancing with the Stars.
Norbert loved it. "Humans move with
such grace, except for that politician," he said. "They would not be
injured on the job."

Wednesday
was
Wipeout.
People making complete fools of themselves trying to run through
an obstacle course of rising and falling hurdles, big balls you have to climb
over, a sucker-punching wall, and a rotating arm, with failure landing the
contestants in water and mud. Norbert loved it, too.

"These
humans are so brave."

"You're
kidding. You don't think it's stupid?"

"Not
at all. Well, the announcers are quite stupid, but the contestants are
extremely brave."

Thursday
was
Survivor.
"Humans are so resourceful," Norbert said.
"And they do not complain about eating rats. They would make excellent
slaves."

Friday
was
The Biggest Loser
. Norbert was crying when I got home from school.

"What's
wrong?"

"Billy
has lost one hundred and fifty pounds. It has changed his life. He is getting
married to Becky, who lost two hundred pounds. They want to produce many
offspring. I am so happy for them."

I
couldn't believe it.

 

 

Scarlett
refused to believe that Norbert and his father were aliens.

Until
Saturday.

That
morning, Norbert wasn't sitting on my front porch when I went downstairs, and
he didn't answer his door when I knocked on it about ten. Mom went to Whole Foods (she said after our last trip to the grocery store, it would be safer
for us to stay at home), so Scarlett and I were watching Maddy. My game wasn't
until three, and it was a nice day, so we decided to play out front. Scarlett
helped Maddy ride her tricycle. I put on my protective pads and took my
Ripstik for a ride. I didn't get far. I swiveled my hips for all I was worth,
but I just couldn't get the dang thing to go fast like Norbert. Of course, I
was only human. Scarlett and Maddy were laughing at my efforts when Norbert came
around the hedgerow.

"Dude,
I was looking for you," I said.

"Oh,
I was in the back room, watching videos of Kim Kardashian as you asked."

"And?"

"And
you are right. We would terminate her existence immediately."

Norbert
turned to Scarlett and gave her an admiring look. She had a game that
afternoon so she was wearing her cheerleader outfit.

"Scarlett,"
Norbert said, "if I were human, I would select you for my soul mate."

She
laughed. "If you were human? Okay, I'll play along. So, why do you get
to choose me? Why don't I get to choose you?"

"A
female of the species selecting a male? What planet are you from?"

She
laughed again. "That's good. You're a funny little guy."

"Thank
you."

It
was a nice day in the neighborhood. Dads were mowing lawns or walking their
dogs—there was a traffic jam of dads and dogs at Mrs. Cushing's house—folks
were jogging (jogging in Austin is like a social activity), kids were playing
in front yards, and the moms were visiting (no doubt about Mrs. Cushing). We
were enjoying the morning when I spotted a black car coming slowly down the
street. I froze and stared.

"What
is wrong, Max?" Norbert asked.

I
didn't say anything. I just stared at the black car. It came closer. And
closer. I started backing up the walkway to our house. My legs felt weak.
Scarlett grabbed my shoulders.

"It's
okay, Max. The black car only comes once."

The
black car had come that day five months before. It came down our street and stopped
in front of our house. Two men in uniforms got out. I saw them first and
called to Mom. She ran and opened the front door. Then she fainted. Ever
since, I had a recurring nightmare about a black car stopping in front of our
house.

Like
this black car did.

But
inside this black car were three teenage boys, not two Army officers. They whistled.
Not at me or Norbert, I don't think.

"Hiya,
Scarlett," the boy in the passenger seat said. "You're looking hot today.
Wanna take a ride with us?"

"No,
thanks, Bobby."

"What,
you too good for us?"

"I'm
too smart for you."

Bobby
didn't like that. His face turned hard.

"You
fat pig!"

The
car's tires squealed when they sped off. Scarlett's face dropped. I thought
she might cry. She wasn't fat, not at all, but I've learned that most girls
think they're fat even when they're not. Norbert stepped to her.

"Scarlett,"
he said, "did those young human males upset your emotions?"

"No."

"That
means yes," I said.

Without
another word, Norbert hopped onto the Ripstik and swiveled his hips fast and
shot down the street.

"Norbert!"
Scarlett screamed. "No!"

She
turned to me.

"Bobby
and his friends, they're jerks! They might hurt Norbert!"

"Oh,
I wouldn't worry about that."

I
sat down on the last step of the front sidewalk and removed my pads. Maddy sat
next to me and put the pads on.

"You're
not worried about Norbert?" Scarlett said.

"Nope."

"Why
not?"

"Because humans can't hurt him. Not physically."

Scarlett
shook her head. "The 'alien next door' gag isn't funny right now, Max.
He's a little guy. They could hurt him."

She
folded her arms just like Mom when I was late getting home and stared down the
sidewalk in the direction Norbert had gone. After a few minutes, she said,
"Here he comes."

I
stood.

Norbert's
hips were swiveling in a nice rhythm when he rolled up and stopped. He had a
smile on his face and a finger pointing skyward.

"They
want to apologize to you," he said to Scarlett.

"Who?"

"Them."

He
looked up. Scarlett looked up. Her mouth fell open.

"Oh—my—gosh."

Suspended
twenty feet above the ground were Bobby and his two buddies—in their car.
Norbert lowered his finger, and the car slowly descended until it hovered two
feet off the ground. The boys' faces showed their fright.

"Uh,
Scarlett," Bobby said, "we're, uh, we're real sorry. We won't do it
again. We promise."

Norbert
turned to Scarlett. "Are you satisfied?"

"Very,"
she said.

Norbert
dropped his finger, and the car dropped to the pavement with a loud thud.
Norbert dismissed the boys with a quick wave.

"Off
with you now."

They
drove off fast. Scarlett hugged Norbert. I thought he might faint.

"Mom!" Scarlett shouted. "Aliens live next door!"

Mom had just entered the back door with a grocery bag.

"Scarlett,
please, not you, too."

 

 

"Nothing's
worked so far," I said to the guys at lunch that Monday. We were at our
boycott table. "Norbert thinks humans are the neatest life form he's ever
encountered."

"We
could try C-SPAN."

"He's
already watched C-SPAN."

"Then
we've got no choice," Dee said. "We've got to go to Plan C."

"
Plan
C?
Are you crazy? That's a—"

"Will
Ferrell movie. That's the only hope for the human race."

"But
that could cause permanent brain damage."

"It
doesn't for us."

"We're
used to that level of stupidity. Norbert's not. He could lapse into another
stupor—what if we couldn't revive him?"

"Earth
is at stake, we have to take that chance. A Will Ferrell movie will prove to
Norbert that the human race is stupid beyond all hope. His last movie grossed
over a hundred million domestic!"

I
sighed and nodded.

"Well,
I'm not taking any chances," Eddie said as he stood. "If aliens are
taking over the world, I'm getting an ice cream sandwich first."

"Bring
me one, will you?" I asked.

"Me,
too," Dee said.

The
principal, Mrs. Stewart, walked up with a woman carrying a little notebook and
a man carrying a fancy camera.

"Children,
this is Ms. Garza. She's a reporter with the Austin newspaper, and she wants
to do a story about your sneaker boycott."

"Really?"
I said. "Cool."

Mrs.
Garza sat across the table from us. She was pretty and smelled sweet.

"You're
Max Dugan?"

"Yes,
ma'am."

"And
you started this boycott?"

"Yes,
ma'am."

"Why?"

"Because
I learned how all the sneakers we buy here in America are made by poor people
in Asia getting paid, like, twenty cents an hour. That's wrong. And because I
want Kim-Ly to go to college."

"Who's
Kim-Ly?"

"A
Vietnamese kid who makes Legend's sneakers."

Sunny
stopped the video on Kim-Ly. The cameraman took a photo of her.

"But
why are you singling out the Legend Jones sneakers? Legend grew up here in Austin and was a star basketball player at UT."

"We
want kids to stop wearing all sneakers made in sweatshops. But the Legends are
the most popular sneakers in America. They sell for a hundred fifty bucks, but
the workers who make them get paid only pennies for each shoe. Legend Jones
used to be a poor kid on the streets of East Austin, so he should know better
than to endorse sneakers made by poor people in Vietnam."

"But
every sneaker is made in foreign countries. If kids stop wearing those
sneakers, what are they supposed to wear?"

I
held up my feet to show my red flip-flops.

"Flip-flops
… or clogs."

"They
can't wear flip-flops or clogs playing sports."

"Well
…"

"Max,
isn't this an illegal boycott?"

"Lady, we're ten-year-old kids. We don't know anything about
the law. But we know about right and wrong, and it's wrong to buy sneakers
made in sweatshops. So we're asking all kids in America to stop wearing Legend
Jones sneakers. Kids can make a difference. We can change the world. We can
save the world."

"Okay,
now that is stupid."

Norbert
had watched
Seinfeld
episodes all day.

"There
is no plot."

We
walked over to my house. Mom had just pulled into the driveway with Scarlett
and Maddy. Mom got out and said, "Boys, help me with the groceries."

"Humans
consume enormous quantities of food."

"Like
I said, we're eating machines."

Norbert
and I each grabbed two bags and carried them inside.

"Norbert,
what would you like for dinner tonight?" Mom said.

"Mrs.
Dugan, may my father join us this evening?"

Mom's face lit up. "Yes, of course. That's wonderful. I'll fix something special."

"Hot
dogs?" Norbert asked.

"Maybe
something a little more special than hot dogs."

"Oh."

He
seemed disappointed.

"But
we'll have ice cream for dessert."

"That
would be excellent."

He
wasn't disappointed anymore.

"What
time should we arrive?"

"Seven."

At
seven sharp, Norbert and a slightly taller version of Norbert were standing on
our front porch when Mom opened the door. His father had the same skin, the
same hair, the same eyes, and the same clothes. They must have hit a sale at
L.L. Bean.