Passion and Pain (Dancers and Divas) (43 page)

“I am making you responsible, Sebastien,” Ms. Martinez told him. ”You make sure she’s OK. Do you hear me? Any problems, you bring her straight back.”

“Yes
m
a’am.”

Elena had stopped crying. She
’d
stopped feeling anything. She was finally numb. She got up on cue at 6 a
.
m
.
to get ready to fly out. She was on automatic pilot. Brush teeth, comb hair, pack clothes, pack costume, get tickets,
get
train to airport.

“Good morning, Elena,” her
m
o
m
called out.

Elena paused, momentarily awakened from her trance.
“Hi
,
M
om.”

“It’s fine if you can’t do this. No one is expecting you to.”

“No, it’s all good.
Just one performance.
Get in there, do it and go.”

Packed and ready, she headed downstairs and walked down to the subway, reaching the airport within an hour.

She saw Sebastien at the airport and approached him swiftly
, handing over his ticket
. “Hi, let’s go,” she said brusquely and continued on through security.

“So,” Sebastien said, “is it going to be this much fun the whole trip?”

Elena looked at him blankly.

“I guess so,” he said before putting on his earphones.

It was a four
-
hour flight
and she hardly spoke a word. Elena walked up and down the aisle and then stretch
ed
near the bathrooms, marking
the routine
.She would come back and sit for a while, silent
, staring into space before standing up and starting
it all over again
. She didn’t touch her food, handing the tray straight to Sebastien. He wandered if she was losing her mind.

As soon as they landed and cleared security,
he heard her call
Tony from the crew
to
check
that
they were all good for rehearsal at two
. She said nothing to him during the
cab
ride
to the hotel
. At reception, she
dumped her bag
and
announced
,
“I’m going to practice
,
”
before walking away with her
small rehearsal bag.

“I’ll check us in,” he said to her receding back. It was going to be a long trip. But at least she was sort of talking to him again.

Elena was pumped to go. She walked into the rehearsal room with a fury. “Let’s go, boys!” she called out. Tony approached her tentatively. 

“Look, let me save you the trouble,” she said. ”You’re sorry for my loss, etc. As you can see, I am fine and I really, really want to rehearse now, OK?” The crew members nodded, happy to focus on the dancing.

They marked the
ir positions
and ran through the routine without tricks. She performed every run-through with boundless energy.

“Take it easy, Elena, or you’ll be too tired to perform tonight,” Tony said to her.

“
Nah, I’m good
. But I want to do that move we were rehearsing on Sunday with me flipping off the back.”

“It’s not ready
,
Elena. If we get through, we’ll run it with Darius, but you just haven’t had enough time.”

“Let’s try it now and see, while we have the mats,” Elena persisted.

On a pyramid style structure, Elena had to back flip off the top. She tried it a couple of times from an elevated platform nearby into the mats, to check that there was no issue with the height. All was good.

“Great! Let’s try it all together.”

The first time they tried it, Elena slipped and fell backwards. By the fourth time, she had it confidently.

“Now,” she said, “let’s try without the safety net.”

“I still think it’s too risky Elena. We’ll be fine without it,” Tony, the crew leader said.

“Let’s try it!”

“I
f you get injured, we are all out of the competition. It’s not worth it.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Elena stared him down until he finally surrendered.

They tried it
first
on the gymnastics floor without the safety mats.

The first time Tony stopped her before she climbed up.

“Let me do it
,
Tony. It will be fine.”

He nodded reluctantly. “Sorry, let’s try again,” he said.

“I need you to be confident, Tony. You doubt, I doubt and we all come down.”

“I know I know.
All right
, here we go, one, two, three, four, up down and up Elena went.

She rolled over on her landing, but otherwise she was fine.

“See?” she said. At this point of time, she was more than prepared to break her skull. She was not afraid of anything. Bring it on!

She met Sebastien back at the hotel after her rehearsals.

“Hi,” she said brusquely.
He looked up from his book.

“How was practice?”

“Good. Have to shower.”

He waved towards the bathroom without a word and went back to his book. She knew she was acting crazy but she couldn’t help it.

She came out of the shower but still
could not shake her mood.

“Food?” she asked.

“Absolutely!”
he said, closing his book and rising from his bed.

“Let’s get some steak.”

“You want something that heavy before you perform?”

“Yeah, we’re not on until nine, it will be fine.”

Elena gorged on everything in her sight
-
steak, pasta, fries,
dessert
. She was usually such a light eater but tonight her appetite was insatiable. At least it matched her limitless energy.
She was glad
Sebastien
didn’t
comment.
S
he didn’t understand it herself.
After dinner, Elena put on her team costume and met the crew at
8 p.m.
behind the stage to warm up again.

“We look great in our matching costumes!” she said to her team. “You all know my bodyguard for the weekend, Seb.”

“Hey, you made sure I came with you.”

“I am so psyched. Are we all pumped?” she yelled.

“Yes!” they shouted back.

“Woo
hoo
!” she cheered, jumping up and down to keep warm as they waited for the teams before them to finish.

“Here we go!” Tony said to his crew.
“Hands in.
We can do this!”

“And now, representing Montacrue Performing Arts School, Ricochet!”

They were on! Adrenalin was pumping through Elena at high speed. She knew her body was making the right movements but something was wrong.  She always felt the music but right now, she just felt robotic. Something was missing and she couldn’t get into the groove. Her body seemed to know what to do but as they reached the last step, and Elena climbed up to flip back, her brain woke up. That’s what was missing
-
Jay! She felt the force pushing her backwards, but wasn’t concentrating. She wasn’t ready and she fell with a thud. The music was over as the audience applauded and the lights went out, but Elena whimpered as she felt a tremendous pain up her arm. She saw Sebastien leaning over her and pointed to her arm before she passed out.

Fifty-f
ive

Elena opened her eyes to find herself in a hospital with Sebastien sitting nearby
,
reading a book and listening to his iPod.

“Seb,” she croaked.

“Hey sleepyhead.”

“What happened?” She went to turn around and felt pain down her shoulder. She looked down to find a cast around her left arm.

“Oh
,
you broke your arm in three places.
Very cool.”

“What?” And then she remembered the flip, Jay, and her heart sank.
“Oh yeah.”

Darius and Anya entered quietly.

“Is she conscious?” they asked Sebastien.

“Yes I am,” Elena answered wearily.

“What were you thinking?” Darius said. “I told you not to do that move. You weren’t ready.”

“I wasn’t ready for a lot of t
hings this week
, but they happened anyway.”

He pointed his finger to reprimand her
but stopped himself
. He
couldn’t argue with her on that point.

“Well, you got the team through. We placed fifteenth, but at least we’re through. It’s still not worth you almost breaking your skull.”

She snorted. “That may have been preferable. Anyway, it’s just my arm. Plus, you’re in now so make sure you get to the worlds, okay?” A smile wavered on her lips but didn’t quite make it.

“What happened with the contemporary competition?” Elena asked.

Anya and Darius looked at each other. “We won!” Anya said.

Elena looked at the golden couple. They were so happy. Were Jay and her ever that happy?  Tears were pricking her eyes again. Damn it.

“I’m sorry Elena,” Anya said, “I didn’t mean to gloat.”

“You weren’t gloating Anya. I
’
m glad for you. You both worked hard for it. It’s not that. It’s just my arm, it hurts now that I’m conscious.”
Fantastic.
A
n excuse to justify her tears on a silver platter.

Her mother bustled in agitated. “You call this taking care of her?” she yelled at Sebastien. He raised his hands in surrender.

“Mom
,
it’s not his fault. No one could have stopped me. I was not concentrating at the end, that’s why I hurt myself.”

“I told you it was a bad idea,” her mother continued. “Now I’ve lost an entire weekend’s shift and two flights to come and pick you up!”

Her friends discretely
snuck out of the room.
.

“Why do you have to push yourself like this?” her mother said. “If something happened to you…” she shook her head, clasping Elena’s hand and bringing it to her chest. 

Elena started crying as well. “I’m sorry, Mom. I just wanted to feel something.
Anything but this emptiness and sadness.
For a few hours I felt adrenalin and purpose. I almost felt like I had a soul again. But at the last second my brain remembered and I lost concentration.”

“I’m sorry. I know I know. I love you
s
o much.
I was so scared when they called me…
”

Sebastien listened outside the door.
That damn
Jay, causing trouble even when he was dead
.
He stayed back to watch the team in the finals while Elena went back home with her mother. A break from her craziness would not be a bad thing. The team came tenth and he texted her the results immediately. The team didn’t quite make the Worlds, but he thought Elena would still be proud. She never replied.

Fifty-
six

“Thanks Veronika
,
but I really want to be alone when I go the funeral today,” Elena said to her on the phone.

“I don’t mind coming with you.”

“I know, thanks, but this is my thing.”

“OK. I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks,” Elena said as she hung up the phone.

She’d had the same conversation with Sebastien. She needed to be with Jay and say good-bye in her own way. She needed to face this. She needed to face him.

Elena went to her wardrobe and found the most conservative black outfit she could find. She looked at herself in the mirror, the white cast on her arm drawing the attention
from
her dreary outfit.  She felt satisfied. She looked as depressed as she felt.

She dragged herself to the subway, thinking about what lay before her. First there was the viewing.
Her last chance to see his beautiful face again.
Her last chance to say goodbye.
  She la
id
her head back against the seat
and closed her eyes
as the train
glided
along
the tracks
.