Passion and Pain (Dancers and Divas) (44 page)

As she reached the ceremony house at the cemetery, Elena felt nervous. She looked around her at all the people gathering in circles, supporting each other while she and her cast walked the road alone. It was her choice though. She took a deep breath and headed for the viewing room.

There were few people in the room and Elena trudged down the carpeted aisle to the open coffin, focusing only on the coffin.
This is it Jay,
our final goodbye
.

When she reached the coffin, she clasped onto the edge, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. As she opened her eyes and looked down, she saw Jay’s beautiful face.

“Jay, baby, why did you leave me?” she said, watching
a
tear splash onto his peaceful face. Lord, she wanted to touch him so badly. She wanted to kiss every inch of his face and apologize for not making him happy. But she felt the movement of people behind her and knew she had to move away.

She
took
a
seat towards the back of the church, where there were fewer people. She watched in silence as his family and friends spoke about him. Letitia didn’t speak. She was sobbing. It was the first time Elena had felt compassion for her. Not even Letitia deserved a dead brother.

She listened to the speeches from his dad and some of the other students, without a tear. She thought she had known him so well and yet there was so much she didn’t know. She heard tales of his mischief, his kindness and his achievements. She sighed. She would never know now. There was a short film of his life, showing him as a child, singing, playing the piano and his adolescence, fighting with Letitia, hanging with friends, his family. Elena had to smile at the beauty of the memories, biting her lip to fight back the tears. But when she saw a shot of her and Jay dancing salsa at her sixteenth birthday party, she couldn’t hold it back any longer.  She lost all restraint and sobbed loudly. Veronika and Sebastien appeared from nowhere, holding her close and consoling her.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she said.

“I know what
it’s
like,” Veronika said. “I knew it would be tough.”

“I was crazy to think I could do this alone.”

She buried her head in Sebastien’s chest as around her, she could hear the gospel choir singing some of his songs.

“He would be proud
of all this
,” she whispered.  She looked up and saw four somber men carrying the casket out the front door while the mourners left through the back.

Letitia was one of the first to walk out. She had one arm linked through her mother’s as her red puffy eyes looked up briefly as people offered their condolences. She glanced in Elena’s direction, pursed her lips tightly but said nothing, looking straight ahead.

“Do you want to go
or are you going to stay
?” Veronika asked.

“I just want to pay my respects to his mom and then we can head off, OK?”

“Sure,” Veronika said, following her out of the pew and into the adjoining hall where the wake was being held.

There were a few people near Jay’s family so Elena waited patiently to the side, waiting her turn.

“Here, have a drink,” Sebastien said, grabbing a plastic cup of juice for her from a nearby table.

“Thanks.”

She drank it slowly while she looked around her. She saw Jay’s parents free momentarily and handed her cup back to Sebastien.

“I’ll just be a minute.”

“Mrs. Washington, I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for letting me know
about the viewing,” Elena said as she gave Jay’s mother a hug.

“Thank you
,
dear. Please stay for the wake. It’s nice to see Jay’s friends here.”

“I
will,
thank you.”

Hovering nearby was a young woman about the same age as Elena with brown bobbed hair. Elena noticed multiple people approaching her, offering their condolences.

“You knew Jay well?” she asked the young woman.

“I am
…
was, his girlfriend, Caroline.”

“Oh.”

“We
’
d
being doing the long distance thing for a while and we had only been in the same place in the last
couple of months
when he came to
Los Angeles. I thought we were meant to be and then this!” Elena froze.

“What?”  

Caroline looked down as the tears began to flow.  Letitia appeared at her side, consoling her affectionately while glaring at Elena.

“He’d just dropped me off home when it happened!” she said, shaking her head. Elena couldn’t move.
His girlfriend?
Caroline.
Of course.

Letitia smiled maliciously at Elena. “You don’t belong here. You were nothing to Jay. Nothing,” Letitia hissed while comforting Caroline.

Sebastien grabbed Elena and dragged her outside as she began hyperventilating. “He had a girlfriend the whole time. He wasn’t in the Bronx because of me. He was dropping off his girlfriend. I was nothing. I can’t believe it.” She groaned as a second wave of pain crashed through her lungs.

“I mean, who gives someone a ruby necklace, tells them they love them and then deserts them for two months to pursue their career
while hooking up with his old girlfriend? Sorry, actual girlfriend.
W
ho does that?” she said out loud. Veronika and Sebastien didn’t interrupt.

“Oh my God.
It means you were right Seb. He did only one want thing and when he wasn’t getting it…” Elena’s voice dragged off.
“Oh my God!
All that crap about waiting for me to be ready and blah
blah
.” Her voice was rising and she kept walking, steered outside by Sebastien and Veronika.
“Oh my God!” she screamed, “Who does that?”

“I wanted to tell you about her but I didn’t want to ruin his memory,” Sebastien said quietly.

Elena spun around to face him, “You knew!”

“I found out at the senior prom after-party the night he died. You were going to see him the next day anyway and I assumed he would tell you. Things kind of changed after that.”

Elena was sitting on a bench in the cemetery, waving her one unbound hand in exasperation as she ranted.

“Man, this just keeps on getting better. I spent months thinking that the love of my life was going to come back to me. Why not just tell me he had moved on with someone else instead of making me believe there was still hope? Why keep making these promises?” Elena asked her friends and herself at the same time. “Why couldn’t he just have told me he didn’t love me and he was leaving me for someone else? At least I could have moved on!”

She placed her head in her hand and shook her head. “
I’m such an
idiot!” she shouted.
“
A
fucking idiot!”
Sebastien paced around, leaving Elena to vent. Veronika sat beside her, clasping her shoulders.

“You bastard!” she shouted to the heavens. “Did I have to meet your girlfriend at your fucking
funeral!
” She kicked at the dirt and then stood and kicked the bench.

“
Aaaaaagh
,” she screamed, clutching her face. 

“Tell me there’s nothing else
,
Sebastien. Please, tell me there’s nothing else,” she said as she turned to him, pleading.

“Nothing Elena, nothing,” he said holding her tight. “I promise.”

Fifty-s
even

After the funeral, Elena felt like a shadow of her former self. There was too much truth to face. With her broken arm and lack of enthusiasm
for any activity
, Elena had lots of time to think
and walk
. She walked to Central Park from East 80
th
st
reet and through the lush trees and grass
where joggers, roller bladders, tourists and families all mingled together. She passed the
Delacorte
Theatre
where people were
lining up
for free tickets to the outdoor
Shakespeare
performance and headed south to
t
he
l
ake
,
where she sat and watched people rowing leisurely by.

How could she have been so blind and desperate? She so wanted to believe it was meant to be with Jay that she couldn’t see straight. How could someone who desired her and someone who created such beautiful music be such a liar?

But then she remembered the first time they met and how he tried to make her feel comfortable. She remembered his beautiful smile and his talent for creating powerful and inspirational music. That could only come from a beautiful soul.  She sighed. But then, he never gave her credit for the songs they co-wrote. He had a temper and manipulated her into thinking everything was her fault.

“I was so dumb!” she said. He
’d
lied to her about being a player and she
’d been
the one apologizing. He didn’t want to use protection during sex and it became her issue of distrust. And she’d believed him! She shook her head. Who had she become in her need for love? Well
,
his love anyway.

She turned her head to the right and watched the
rollerbladers
practice their tricks nearby. She had to admit that he could have taken advantage of her. There were several times he could have forced himself on her but he didn’t. He tried to break up with her but she wouldn’t listen. He might have kept his girlfriend a secret, but to be fair, he had told her to move on when he left but she kept calling him and making him promise to see her. Maybe he thought she would be over him by then. Maybe he wanted a backup in case it went sour with Caroline. Who knew? It didn’t matter. It
had
all been
an illusion. The Jay in her heart didn’t exist.
And all this time, Sebastien
had been
trying to make her see
it
. How she
’d
hurt him
!
Could he ever forgive her?

Elena
walked
back to the subway. Would she be able to trust anyone again? Frankie
had
betrayed her first and then Jay
-
two people she had loved dearly. She hugged herself as she stepped into the train.

But then there was Veronika, who listened to her endless whining. And Sebastien, who
m
she had hurt and rejected so many times, taking him for granted. There were Anya and Darius who helped her with her dancing with nothing to gain. No, there were good people in this world who loved her. Time was precious and she wanted to make sure they knew how much she cared about them.

She needed
to
get out of this wistful mood. A girlie night is what she needed. She picked up her phone and dialed Veronika’s number.

“Hey Elena!”

“
Roni
,
my dearest friend, are you up for a movie night tonight? I want to watch s
a
ppy girl stuff and talk and eat crappy food!”

“You’re on! See you tonight about six at my place?”

“Done!”

Later that night, Elena took the subway to Veronika’s house.  As Elena entered the living area, she saw the movies stacked up on the side of the TV and a wide arrange
ment
of junk food spread across the table.

“How’s life down at the legal aid office?” Elena asked her.

“I really admire my dad. I don’t know how he has the patience. I thought our lives were messed up, but you should meet some of his clients!”

“Plenty of inspiration for a sitcom
,
maybe?”
Elena said.

“That’
s a brilliant idea. It would make a perfect sitcom. I should work more on that.
Drink?”

Elena nodded.

“How is Anya?” Veronika asked.

“She got back into the American School of Ballet. I think they were more than impressed by her new style!”

“Aren’t she and Darius
such a cute couple?”

“Yeah,” Elena said, looking into her glass.

“And Darius?”

“He’s teaching hip hop at a school camp. He is probably the only one I know with the patience to do that!”

“
True.”

“Though the kids will probably be terrified of him when they first see him!”
Elena said laughing.

“I heard Anya’s grandmother is not too thrilled about them as a couple.”

“No one who sees them could really believe they were not meant to be. Even I didn’t predict that they would be so, so amazing! But then there was a lot I didn’t see this year, wasn’t there?”