Payce's Passions (14 page)

Braxton throws on a tutu and parades around the track, waving his baton in the air like a majorette. The crowd erupts in applause. Strut your stuff you, bad boy!

Chapter Fourteen

Payce

I feel like I’m about to hyperventilate, but I’ve come this far; I have to finally man up and jump in with both feet. Braxton needs to know the truth. He thinks I’m leaving, but I can’t do that without explaining everything first. He deserves to know what happened and why I had to let him go, then we can decide what happens next.

Brax might not understand it at all and tell me to fuck right back off to wherever I was all this time. At this point it could go either way, but regardless of the outcome, I’m thankful to have him back in my life, even if it may be short lived. 

“I’m not leaving, Brax.” I close my eyes.

He grabs my hand, rubbing his thumb across the top. I pull it up to my face, brushing his knuckles back and forth against my lips. I’m not sure how to do all this sensitive shit, but for him, I’ll try. Brax opens his mouth to say something, but I press my fingers against him.

“Shhh…let me finish this or I might not ever find the words again. For years I’ve regretted a lot of decisions in my life, especially pushing you away the way I did, and I’m sorry for that. I hope one day you can forgive me. I thought I was doing what was best at the time. Now, I’m going to tell you everything.”

“I wondered if you would or not.” He nods for me to go on, not breaking his gaze.

“Being with you that one night in the warehouse was more powerful than I ever imagined, something had happened and I was so confused and it wasn’t fair. We’d all been through so much shit together, I cared about you as much as someone like me was capable of back then. You were my best friend, Brax, and my confidant, the only one who ever gave two shits about me one way or the other.”

“I know.” He looks away, breaking eye contact, but doesn’t say anything else.

“I was trying to make some major changes in my life at that time, I thought I had it all figured out too, but I was wrong.” I pause watching him.
God, why is this so fucking hard? 
“I didn’t intentionally try to fuck things up for us, but I did. I wasn’t thinking very clear. I was put in a situation and had to make a snap decision on the spot, which I did. I crossed the line with the law, and there was no getting out of it.”

He interrupts me, “You didn’t mess me up, Payce. I wanted what happened with us too.”

“Brax, yes, I really did, just listen. I knew it was a matter of time before I got hung up on the charge. I was scared shitless and my head was running a million directions, I got selfish and when I did, I tried to justify it, but it only fucked up shit even worse.” I hang my head down for a minute trying to muster up the courage to just say it and get it over with. “I couldn’t go to jail for however long without me ever having you. I wanted you to know what you meant to me, and in my nineteen year old head, sex was the way to do that.” I gnaw into my cheek.

“But you did that, Payce. You did show me and don’t ever doubt yourself about it again. I can’t explain it either, but our night with each other is the very same night I realized how much I cared about you. It’s the night I could finally admit to myself that I was in love with you…and even without saying it, I knew you felt the same way about me.” He squeezes my hand, reinforcing his point.

“I’d been hanging onto a ledge for so long about things, and I was about to let go. I couldn’t do that without letting you know first. I didn’t know how to do emotions or talk about things then, I’m pretty sure I still don’t have a handle on any of that now. At least not the way normal people do.”

“What happened to you? Did you know that would be the only night for us?” he asks me.

He’s finally ready to hear the truth about what happened.

I sit up, crossing my legs Indian style, and watch Brax match me, move for move as we face each other. He puts his hands on my knees, and I clench mine together, brushing against his leg with a couple fingers.

“Shit, as hard as I try to piece it all together, it still doesn’t make much sense.” I shake my head.

“Keep going, Payce,” he prods me on.

“Okay.” I nod and continue. “Back then, I’d been doing quite a few odd jobs for Ronnie, our old tatt dude, and they were adding up pretty quick. I’d asked him if he’d hang on to the money until I got a little bit saved up for us. Well, it was finally payday, and he handed me an envelope with almost a grand in it. Ronnie had been on me about getting my shit together and being a responsible young man.”

“Really? Stoner Ronnie, small time weed dealer of the neighborhood? Who would have thought?” Brax shrugs his shoulders.

“I know, but he was a pretty cool dude. He’d hooked me up with one of his customers from the tattoo shop, the man owned a demo company. The same one I run now.”

“No shit?” His face tenses and he clenches his teeth.

“It’s a long story for another time.” I roll my eyes. “Anyway, the man agreed to give me the job. It came with a company truck, a good weekly paycheck, and eventually some benefits. He needed someone dependable with a strong back and I jumped all over it. Things were finally going to turn around for all of us, I wasn’t stopping until it did.  While I sorted out the work arrangements over the phone at Ronnie’s, I handed Aaron the envelope and sent him to get us a hotel room for a week. About an hour later, he came back.”

“Did Aaron get the hotel?” he asks me, but he already knows the answer.

“No clue. I was so busy rambling on about the job that I didn’t even think to ask for the money back or find out about it. Honestly, Brax, I was so damn relieved to finally have something go right for a change. I had the whole plan laid out in my head. I’d keep us in a hotel room until I could get a few checks under my belt, then I was getting us three into an apartment.”

“Payce, it was never your responsibility to take care of us, you know?” He puts his hands around mine, which are now balled together.

“Yeah, it was. I took on that role myself, and it’s what I was doing, period. I didn’t ask for permission. We all needed a start somewhere and at least in a hotel, we could live like normal people who had electricity, a place to take a hot shower, and food to eat. Our sleeping in abandoned houses or warehouses was over, so was starving and freezing half to death on the streets. We’d all lived on the streets since we were what, fourteen or so? Now I had a chance to get us off of them.” I take a deep breath. “Aaron and I went over to Z’s Jip Joint to stock up on some munchies for the night, then we were coming to get you and head to the hotel.”

“I’m confused, Payce, what the hell happened then?” He squeezes gently on me.

“We had the food and I went to the back coolers to grab some drinks for us.” I rub my brow. “When I turned back around, Aaron was bending over getting something. His shirt was riding up his back, and I saw a gun tucked in the back of his pants. The problem was that the cashier saw it at the same time too. She was an older woman, and let’s be honest, we all looked pretty fucked up back then. A look of terror crept across her face and she took a step sideways. Just as she held her arm out, Aaron snapped to what was happening and reached for the gun.”

“What the hell was he doing with a fucking gun?” Brax sits up straight, he’s pissed.

“I have no idea.” I shrug my shoulders. “Aaron was scared at the time, I’m still not even sure what he was thinking, but when he went for the gun, that old lady bolted. She moved on the alarm button under the counter. Aaron stood there with the gun trying to explain it, but words were more like grumbles, it didn’t make much sense. Remember how he always used his hands to emphasize things, well he was doing that apparently forgetting about the gun in his hand. I only caught bits and pieces of mumbled words, enough to know the gun wasn’t loaded, but it was too late. It never snapped that he was making everything worse. I guess he was scared shitless, but so was the woman.”

“And you jumped in the middle of it, didn’t you, Payce? Why the hell would you do that?” He’s fucking furious, I expected it.

“I didn’t do anything, Brax. I snatched the gun out of his hands, that’s it. In that split second, it was pointed in her general direction, but I swear not on purpose. I was pushing Aaron toward the door and he got out. She never caught a good look at him because she was focused on me during all this, and when we entered he was turned around talking to me. My face was all over the security screen behind her, I had no doubts that I’d match up somewhere in the system with my juvenile record. There was no sense in both of us going down.”

Brax shakes his head, disagreeing with me.

“Once Aaron was out the door, I took off behind him. I still had some stuff in my arms, so there was the attempted armed robbery charge they slapped on me. I knew it would catch a quick warrant status on me and I’d be on high alert tracking then. A few hours, maybe a day or two before they caught up with me, tops. As soon as I stepped out of the store, I put the items back inside the doorway and fled the scene.” I wipe the sweat off my forehead. “Aaron was half way down the creek taking the shortcut trail to get home. I yelled out to him and told him to go sit tight at the hotel, if no one tracked him there by morning to send someone for us.”

“That’s bullshit, Payce. Aaron squelched on you. They couldn’t have identified you or known where you were that fast,” he yells.

“I gave the woman my name, Brax. Come on, they would have found a way to hang Aaron and tie you up in it too, it was just easier if I told her.”

“There’s no way they could, Payce. Possibly Aaron, but not me, I wasn’t even there. It shouldn’t have been put on you either.” He runs his hands through his hair.

“Brax, every single time I got in trouble, they always tried to find a reason to bust you two with me, I just never told you about it. This time I wasn’t risking any of it, period. I had a major charge coming, now that I was legal age. I knew they’d slam me on it. That crap they tell you about not being able to bring up your juvie record is a load of crap, they can. It was my place to protect you both and that’s what I was trying to do. I’d been in and out of the system so much that I could cope in jail, but you two had never even been arrested. I wasn’t risking it with either of you, especially you, Brax.” I exhale and wait to see what happens next.

“Fucking bastard...” He turns twenty shades of red.

“I’m not a fucking bastard. I was trying to…” I try to finish, but he interrupts me, again.

“Not you, Payce, Aaron, he’s the bastard. For fucks sake, he was carrying a damn gun. We never did things that way, no matter how bad it got for us. What in the hell possessed him to get a gun and where did he get it? God, what was he thinking?” He points at me. “And you-you always did run to the rescue when shit hit the fan, but he messed things up, not you. Typical Aaron, always leaving it for you to figure out, not giving two shits about anything you’d have to go through because of his dumbass.”

“Nah, I was just the oldest, Brax. Like I told you, I took it on myself to look out for you two. Besides, none of it really matters anymore because it’s all in the past now.” I squeeze tight against his hands. “Let this go, Brax, it’s not important anymore.”

“Really? Are you serious, Payce? Because from where I’m sitting, it’s real fucking important, but we’ll talk about that in a minute. Keep going.”

“Nothing else to say about it, you wanted to know what happened, now you do.”

“Oh yes there is more to say. You knew you were about to get locked up and you didn’t say a damn word to me about it? You never even thought it might be something you should mention? Well fuck you, Payce. I was never quite as weak as you always thought I was.”

“Whoa…wait up a sec, Brax. I have never said or thought that about you. Not even once. In fact I knew just the opposite. I thought that you out of everyone would understand why I did it.”

“No, I don’t. Let’s skip to the part where you thought it was okay to tell me to fuck off.” He crosses his arms across his chest. He’s waited this long to hear the truth and I’m not holding back.

“I came back to the warehouse after the robbery. Aaron was supposed to send for us when it was safe.”

“Oh hell, Payce! How many times have you tried running that one through your head? Seriously? Aaron always had a way of making you feel sorry for him, it was all a game with him.” He rubs his eyes.

“Maybe, but what does it matter anymore, really?” I raise my hands up, asking him.

“It matters because Aaron fucked up the one thing in my life that I was certain about…you.” He takes me by the arm.

I grin at him, kind of taken back. “You were certain about me? Ha, talk about flipping the script, huh?”
Thank fuck it wasn’t just me who had feelings that deep.

“No it’s not. I just told you, I knew that night. I guess I’d always had known that my feelings about you were more than what we ever let onto. But that night, our first and last night together, you had me for life if you wanted me. Only you didn’t, Payce.” He breaks eye contact and looks down.