Rebel Temptress (Historical Romance) (30 page)

Adam stood up slowly. "I begin to see how it is with you, Honor. Did you feel pity for me and think to tell me you loved me like throwing a dog a bone? Come to think of it, some of the missing pieces begin to fall into place. The love has always been all on my side. I should have been warned when you had very little physical attraction for me. That night I made love to you I thought I held a warm and loving woman in my arms, but you are cold, Honor. I do not need you and your charity." He had spoken softly, and his face was an unreadable mask.

"Believe what you will, Adam. I am not going to convince you any different."

"Do you never challenge fate, Honor? Must you always go along with whatever happens in your life, allowing yourself to be swept away with the tide and never putting up a fight?"

"Yes, I accept that which I cannot change."

"I should consider myself fortunate that you did not accept my proposal. I am well rid of you," he said, lashing out at her. '

Honor felt the sting of his words in the depths of her heart. He would leave today not knowing she loved him more than life itself. "You never had me, Adam. I never belonged to you."

It seemed that a mask descended over Adam's face at that moment. "I always intended to return Landau to you. I hope you will accept it from me now that I have no use for it."

"No, I could never do that. Perhaps you should sell it. Maybe Meagan would be interested in buying it from you. You could ask her."

They spoke like two polite strangers, neither of them willing to let the other see his hurt.

"I will take my leave of you now. I doubt that our paths will ever cross in the future. I will, however, wish you happiness, for I cannot find it within myself to wish you ill."

"I wish you nothing but the best, Adam. I would like to think of you . . . finding someone worthy of you. I hope you find the love that you deserve, Adam." Never had she needed her strength as she did at that moment. She would not cry and beg him not to forget her as she wanted to do.

"Do not say it!" he cried. "How cool you are as you dismiss me from your life for good." Then once more the mask slipped into place. "I warn you, when I walk out that door, I will never return. You can prevent my going with just one word, Honor," he said, unable to resist the attempt to try one last time. Inside he wanted to go down on his knees and beg her not to send him away alone.

"Adam, I cannot tell you what you want to hear. Please go now," she said, biting her lip to stop its trembling.

"Good-bye, Honor. May you always have what you want from life, although I am not sure you know what it is that you do want."

"Thank you for your kindness to me, Adam. I shall never forget your thoughtfulness to me." Honor looked at him, knowing she was seeing him for the last time.

He turned and left her without another word. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he found Meagan waiting for him.

"Did you and Honor resolve anything? Is she going away with you?"

"Why should you think that? Honor is just where she wants to be, and I shall soon be back home in Boston where I belong." He brushed past Meagan, and she watched him mount his horse and ride away, wondering what had taken place between him and Honor. If ever two people were meant to be together, it was her sister and Adam.

Meagan went upstairs and found Honor crying her heart out. Sitting down beside her, Meagan held Honor in her arms.

"Adam did not understand that I had to send him away. He believes I do not love him, and*now I will never see him again."

"Honor, are you crazed? Why did you send him away?"

"There were many reasons, but most important is my fear of hurting him, although I have already done that."

Meagan looked at Honor angrily. "You owe nothing to Jordan, while Adam offered you everything a woman could ever want. I could shake you for what you have done."

"I have not had much time to think, but I want to help Jordan regain his self-respect. It was I who caused him to lose it, and I shall try and help him find it."

"God, you make me angry. You must think you are some sort of do-gooder. Will you destroy Adam to help Jordan?"

"Meagan, please try to understand I have to do what I feel is right."

"You cannot fool me Honor, you feel guilty because you allowed Adam to make love to you, and you now think by punishing yourself you will wipe the slate clean of your guilt."

Honor sighed. "You may be right, but I can no more go against what I believe in than you can."

"No, you would not be the person you are if you were any different." Meagan was thoughtful for a moment. "I have an idea. Come with me to Paris. You and I will be the belles of the town."

"I have no money, I could not possibly accompany you to Paris."

"I have the money, you are my sister, all I have I will gladly share with you." Meagan smiled teasingly. "Except Pierre. Him I will keep for myself."

"I thank you for the kind offer, but for now I will remain at Green Rivers. I just buried a son and lost the man I love. Give me time to heal."

Meagan frowned. She would let the subject drop for the moment. Honor was very vulnerable right now, and she would not press her . . . yet.

19

Adam walked the length of his study, pacing the floor like a caged animal. He was besieged by conflicting emotions. Cursing Honor's name, he accused her of inspiring him to fall in love with her and then turning traitor to that love. He raised his hands in a hopeless gesture, cursing all women.

Anger burned in his heart. What a fool he had been. He had wasted years loving a woman who had been incapable of loving a man. Honor had never loved him; if she had she would have come to Boston with him after Aaron's death.

Suzanne pushed the study door open and poked her head inside. Adam had not heard her as she entered the room, so she was able to observe him without his being aware of it. There was such pain on his face that she wanted to rush to him and give him comfort. Since he had returned to Boston he very rarely went out and he never saw any of his friends.

Suzanne removed her bonnet and placed it on Adam's desk. She blamed herself for the pain her twin was going through. If she had not interfered perhaps Adam and Honor would now be together. She realized it was time she told her brother the part she had played in wrecking his life.

"Adam."

He turned slowly to face her. "I did not hear you come in, Suzanne. Are Brad and the children with you?"

"No, I am here alone. Fritz tells me you have not gone to the office in two days. Are you ill?"

"No, I just did not want to face anyone. Can a man not decide he does not want to go into his office without everyone's thinking he is ill?"

Suzanne sat down and patted the cushion beside her. "Come and sit beside me, Adam."

"Why? So you can lecture me?"

"Please, Adam, there is something I want to tell you. I should have told you before now, but I suppose I was afraid you would be angry with me."

He walked across the room and sat down beside her. "This sounds interesting. What have you done that could incur my anger?"

Suzanne looked uncomfortable for a moment wondering how to go about telling him of that day in the garden at Landau, when she had hurt Honor so badly. "Adam, I knew that you loved Honor, but I thought she would be bad for you and I do not think that I fully understood how deeply your heart was involved."

"I see no reason to hash this out. There is no point, is there?"

"Adam, I hate to see you suffering. It is as if you have given up on life. You are a very handsome, loving man with much to offer a woman. Could you not put Honor out of your mind and heart and look to the future? Perhaps you could learn to love again."

He raised his eyebrow. "I have heard this all before, and I damned sure do not want to hear it again. Why not run along home and do whatever it is you do when your brother kicks you out of his house."

Suzanne blinked her eyes. It was not like Adam to speak so harshly to her. She feared he would never want to see her again when he learned what she had said to Honor. She took a deep breath, knowing how difficult it was going to be to tell him that it was her fault that he had lost Honor.

"Adam, I fear it is all my fault that Honor would not leave her husband to go away with you." Her words hung in the air as tense moments passed. Suzanne saw the different emotions that passed fleetingly over her brother's face.

"I think you had better explain, Suzanne. What are you saying?" he whispered.

"Do you remember that night you found Honor in the apple orchard and brought her to the house?"

Adam's eyes became dark and piercing. "Of course I remember that night. I very rarely think about anything else. Why do you ask?"

Suzanne avoided his eyes. "The next morning, Honor and I were in the garden talking and she told me she had loved you for a very long time. I asked her if she was planning to leave her husband and go away with you."

Adam took a ragged breath and let it out. "What was her answer?"

Suzanne looked her brother in the eye, and she could have cried at the sadness she saw on his face. "She . . . told me that if you asked it of her she would go anywhere with you."

Adam jumped to his feet. "No, that is not possible. Honor told me that she would never leave Jordan because of Aaron." He paced the room, unable to believe what his sister had just told him. If that was true, then why did Honor change her mind? He swung around to face his sister with a feeling of dread.

"What did you say to her, Suzanne?"

She stood up and walked over to him and reached out her hand to touch him, but he backed away from her with a wild look on his face. "My God! What did you say to her?"

"Adam, please believe me, I thought I was doing what was best for you. I am sorry."

He swallowed a lump in his throat and closed his eyes for a moment. "Tell me what you said to her."

"I pointed out to her that it would harm your career and be detrimental to your social standing if you were to marry a divorced woman."

She watched helplessly as Adam placed his hand over his eyes and lowered his head. After what seemed an eternity he raised his head and looked at her. "Do you have any idea what you have done, Suzanne?"

"I think I am beginning to, Adam."

"You played God with other people's lives. Do you have any idea what you did when you sent Honor back to that monster who is her husband? You have no notion what life has been like being married to him. When I think what you have done I could almost hate you, Suzanne."

"No, Adam! Please do not say that," she pleaded.

Suzanne cried out in agony when she saw the tears in her brother's eyes. "When I went to her after hearing about Aaron's death, I begged her to go away with me, but she refused. I said some very harsh things to her that day thinking she did not love me. She had been through so much and I hurt her so badly that day, thinking I was the one who was being treated unfairly." Tears rolled down his face as he talked and it seemed that he was talking more to himself than to his sister.

"I thought she was weak by not reaching out for what I offered her. But she was strong. God, was she strong! I can see that now."

"Adam, perhaps you could go to her now and bring her home with you."

"No, how could I ever face her again? No, I will not go to her. I will never see her again."

"Adam, please forgive me."

He looked down at his sister as if he had forgotten she was in the room. "There is nothing to forgive, Suzanne, what you did you did out of love for me. Starting today, I plan to purge myself of Honor's memory. I no longer want to love her. I have wasted too much of my life on her already."

"Adam, my dear, dear brother. I hurt so badly for you."

"Spare me your pity and go home where you belong."

"Let me stay with you for awhile, Adam. We can talk."

"No. I want to be alone. He turned his back to her and there was nothing for her to do but leave. Adam did not hear her as she left the room and closed the door behind her.

"You are no longer a part of my life, Honor. From this day forward I will never allow you to dominate my feelings. You are dead to me." He lowered his head. "You are dead."

* * *

A week had passed since the day Adam had sworn he would wipe out Honor's memory from his heart. He threw himself into his work, sometimes staying at his office long after everyone else had gone home for the day.

Tonight he had elected to bring his work home with him. His briefs were spread out on the desk in front of him as he reached for the brandy bottle and poured himself another glass, thinking he had already had too much to drink, since the figures he was working on seemed to dance before his eyes.

There was a knock on his study door and he frowned. Who would be calling at this hour, he wondered.

"Come in," he said irritably.

"Adam, Fritz said it was all right to disturb you," Vanessa Handson said as she entered the room, closing the door behind her.

Adam stood up slowly. "How are you, Vanessa?" He smiled at the beautiful woman whom everyone had once believed he would marry. Her hair was golden in color with red highlights and her lovely face was flawless, but even now he was unmoved by her beauty.

She advanced into the room and removed her gloves as she sat down on the edge of his desk and looked up at him through veiled lashes. "I have missed you, Adam. Why have you not been to see me?"

He took her hand and raised it to his lips. "I have been buried under tons of work. Are you not afraid you will start tongues wagging by coming here alone at this hour?"

Vanessa laughed, showing off her perfect teeth. "Oh, I do hope so, Adam. My life has been so dull lately one could conduct a Sunday school lesson by it." She stood up and took both of his hands in hers and led him over to the sofa. "Let us talk for awhile, Adam."

He sat down beside her. His eyes moved over her taking in the low cut of her expensive pink gown. "You are as lovely as ever, Vanessa. I am surprised that some man has not rushed you off to the altar before now."

"Perhaps I have been waiting for you, Adam. I can remember a time when the two of us were very close."

"That was a very long time ago, Vanessa."

She looked at him with a pout on her pretty face. "Have you changed so much? Do you ever remember the night we made love in my mother's garden?"

Adam gave her a half smile. "How could I ever forget that?" he said gallantly.

"Then there was the time when we went on that picnic at Penrose. That day I thought you loved me."

He raised a dark eyebrow. "I never told you that I loved you."

"But you led me to believe we would be married," she said tearfully.

"Vanessa, do not play the helpless virgin with me. I was not the first man to be with you. It has never been my style to deflower innocent girls, and I do not remember asking you to marry me." Adam knew he was being unduly harsh and thought it was because he had indulged in too much brandy. The tears in Vanessa's eyes struck a chord of pity in his heart.

"I never knew you to be a cruel man. How can you say such things to me?" Vanessa asked.

"Forgive me, I am overly tired. Perhaps we should have this talk another time."

She moved closer to him and Adam watched fascinated as the mask of politeness left her face and the gleam of seduction blazed in her eyes. She opened her mouth invitingly. "I love you, Adam, I have for a long time now." Her voice was deep and he felt a flicker of something fan to life. Perhaps Vanessa would help him wipe Honor's memory from his mind and heart.

His hand moved slowly around her neck as he pulled her face closer. "Is that an invitation?" he whispered.

Vanessa stared into his eyes. He was so male, so handsome that her heart quickened. When his lips covered hers she could taste the brandy on his mouth. Her arms went around his neck as she surrendered herself to the wonderful feelings he had aroused in her. She had been with many men, but none had ever made her feel the way Adam had. She had received many proposals of marriage, but she knew that the hope that Adam might one day turn to her had kept her from accepting any of them.

Adam felt her lips part as he shoved her back against the sofa, pinning her body beneath his. His hand moved down her throat and over her breast. He deepened the kiss, willing himself to feel something. He knew he had drunk too much. If he could only pretend that Vanessa was Honor. He needed a release; he had been in agony for so long now.

He felt her hands unbuttoning his shirt and resisted the urge to push her away.

"Love me, Adam, love me," she moaned.

"Shhh . . . do not talk," he said as his lips traveled down her throat. "I need you. I need someone," he murmured.

Vanessa thought she would be completely mindless by the time he finally took her. "I need you too, Adam."

"No, not your voice. Her voice," he told her.

Vanessa felt the front of her gown open and she gasped from the heat from his lips. "Honor, Honor, I love you," he whispered drunkenly.

His words were like a cold dash of water in her face. "What did you say, something about my honor?"

He raised his head and looked into her face. "No, my Honor. My beautiful, lovely Honor."

Vanessa's eyes widened. "You are speaking about a woman!" she said in disbelief, hoping she had misunderstood him.

Adam tried to clear his mind. "Too much to drink," he said, slurring his words. The amount of brandy he had consumed earlier was beginning to make his mind muddled.

"Who is Honor?" Vanessa demanded to know.

"She won't let me go, damn her."

Vanessa shoved against Adam and he sat up, feeling dizzy.

She refastened her gown and glared at him. "No man has ever called me by another woman's name when he was making love to me. You will pay for this, Adam O'Roarke," she said angrily.

Adam leaned back against the sofa.  "I did not invite you here tonight, you invited yourself."

"Who is Honor?"

Adam closed his eyes. "Do not speak her name."

"Where did you meet her? I know of no one by that name."

"Go away, Vanessa. I am tired."

"Drunk would be more accurate."